FOB at the birth

[angelpkj]

FOB ended our relationship when i was 5 n half month pregnant
he didn't want the baby still
for all of my pregnancy but one weekend he has spent it going out fri-sun

recently he's made more effort he's started giving me money the past 3 week
50 one week then 10 the weeks after

its not much and part of me thinks he only givin me a tenner to shut me up cause he's still going out every weekend spending alot dispite not working or maybe i should be grateful he's finally giving me something??

the way he acts in regards to constantly going out etc has resulted in his ex stopping him seeing his 5 year old daughter
i told him if things dont change he's looking at the same fate in regards to our son who's due in 3 weeks

my heads a mess
he's come to my first two antenatals but since i've found out he's still taking drugs on weekends and lying to me about stuff i have asked him not to come to anymore-when he was comming my antenatal he just made me feel so embarresed,sat in a room full of cute dads playing the good dad role and my FOB was sat there acting and looking like he belongs on jeremy kyle

i don't think i can handle him being at the birth
the only reason i feel for him to be their is cause he's babys dad
my mum hates hisguts for everythin he has done to me so there will just be tension if he's there
i dont think i can emotionally handle him being there watching me in pain and going thru the birthing process,to then leave me and go back to his life of going out and drugs i think that would hurt me so bad to go thru all that and then a few hours or a day later he goes out

he has deffo made effort,but when he f*cks up it just brings it straight back to square one,im constantly in limbo about how long can he keep it up before he screws me over again
enough has to be enough
its a massive choice to make to chose not to let him be at the birth-i dont wanna look like the big bad mum who was bitter but im aware thats how it will look
he thinks i should put all my feelings aside and has a so what if u dont want me there attitude i should be able to see my son bein born so this makes me doubt what to do

massive rant but please if anyone can share storys or advice anything would help

 

[lou_w34]

There is no way in hell i would have let FOB be at the birth.

He didnt pay for a single thing and did sod all. So when i went into labour, i let him no i had had LO after i had her. And to be fair, ive been prooved right, because at 16 months old he has seen her once.

Dont do ANYTHING you are not comfortable with. It will be you going through it, you will be in such a vunerable posistion that you are only going to want people there who you truely trust.

If you want he can wait in the waiting room and see the baby after, but if you dont want that, just tell him after you have had the baby, if he asks why you didnt call him say there was no time.

I no he is the babies father, but in situations like these, the mothers wishes have to take priority.

xx

 

[angelpkj]

yeah FOB hasn't really done anythin i've done it all on my own so far,think hes bought a changing mat and baby moiniter but i've done everythin from picking and buying his wallpaper to picking and buying his toys

just really scared of regret
like after the birth wishin he'd of been there,not sure why i would i think i still have happy family images in my head :/

 

[chels24uk]

he sounds like a total knob. i wouldnt allow him to be there. At the end of the day, its a privilage to see a child be born, not a god given right! You need someone there who is going to support you and make you feel comfortable as your the one whos going to be doing all the work. Dont feel bad by standing your ground and saying no! If it comes to it, just dont tell him when you go into labour. My ex is a prick to, has said during my whole pregnancy he doesnt want the baby - but made no effort to put something on the end of it! Hasnt paid a penny and shows no interest. He went out this weekend and got hammered, hes supposed to be saving to get his arse down here for his sons birthday start of May! Can see that not happening.
You do what you feel is right for YOU and your baby. Sod what he wants and feels. He hasnt taken you or baby into consideration when hes been going out everyweekend instead of helping towards the cost of preparing for a baby xxx

 

[purpledahlia]

I wouldnt let him be there, and FOB wasnt at LO's birth i didnt tell him i was in Labour because he would have pushed to be there '' its his right '' he said, erm no its not, its MY body and its yours too, if you dont want him there tell him hes not to be there. say your only allowed one person and you choose your mum who will actually properly support you no matter how it goes. Dont be bullied into it if your not comfortable with it!

 

[Torz]

I wouldnt do it either, if you dont want him there then dont. You can still have those family images, family dosent always equal mum, dad & baby, family is anything you want it to be.

 

[jocelynmarie]

My situation is different, but I don't want FOB in the delivery room with me either. At first I had said maybe for the very end of it, but when it comes down to it, he will stress me out and its not fair to me to allow it.

I'm going to tell him he can be in the waiting room and we will get him as soon as baby is born, but I just know that I don't want him in the room with me patting my hand or telling me to push. I will likely kill him!

 

[MrsRabbit]

You don't even have to let your husband in the room if you don't want to. Your birth - you get to say who attends - even if it's his child.

I had to tell the nurses to keep MIL out of the room while I was pushing - like I need her seeing my vagina. Weirdo. LOL.

 

[lal]

I had told FOB he could be in waiting room and see the baby as soon as he was born. That day he ended up in the room with me the whole time though, even though he was a TOTAL jerk right up to the last minute I didn't mind him being in there because he kind of snapped to reality that day. He by no means was trying to work things out or talk about any of that, but he definitely realized how important it was...when the time came to start pushing, I wouldn't have cared if 8 of his cousins had been in there too by then I wasn't paying attention. But it was a huge deal to him, and he told me thank you for letting him be there. I'd say just offer the waiting room, and if you feel up to it when the time comes let him in, that way you don't have to if you don't want to and also he will know it was your choice and not his right.

 

[Jade--x]

I wouldn't have him at the birth. Labour and child birth is hard enough..and totally emotional and stressful and beautiful and amazing..and it's something you'll remember for the rest of your life. It's your body and your the one going through it don't do anything that's going to make you feel uncomfortable or awkward or less enjoyable than being in pain for hours on end should be lol.
He may be the father of the baby but your the mum and what you want comes first

 

[LauraBee]

I got really emotional about FOB being at the birth. I hadn't seen him for 8 months (he was VERY indecisive throughout) but I still thought everyone had the right to see their child being born. Eventually, I decided that if he was responsible enough to show up then he could be at the birth.

I ended up being induced, so he knew when the baby was going to be on her way. I phoned him half an hour before my waters were broken (10am) and he said he couldn't make it 'til 4pm. Then at 3pm, he asked if he should come down, I had already been moaned at for swapping my mom with my friend so explained that if he told the receptionist that he was the dad it may be okay. He decided not to risk it. At midnight, I was told I would be likely to need a c-section after two more hours of no progress and the nurse I was with said that she'd be happy for FOB to replace my friend in theatre. I had been texting him updates all night, which he replied to, but when I tried to phone him to invite him down, there was no answer. At 4am, I went down with my friend, who was the first non-medical person to hold my baby. FOB didn't come to the hospital until baby was half a day old.

So the short version was that after a lot of debating, I offered FOB to be at the birth, but he didn't show up. Even though I expected this to happen, it still really upset me purely because I gave him that opportunity, if I had stuck to my gut instinct to not allow him anywhere near the birth, I would have felt better but I would regret him not being there because it would have been my fault.

I can't advise you on this, I'm sorry, but mine was a lose-lose situation either way. I hope you make the choice right for you, because labour is all about you and your feelings.

 

[angelpkj]

aww reading some of these storys gives me mixed feelings cause as much of a d*ck FOB has been
he still does make effort in some areas
it doesn't make it right and take away all the wrongs he's done but on the other hand he comes my antenatal he wants to be at the birth and this and that so it sorta messes with my head
im just strugglin to put everythin behind me whats gone on he says he wants to put things right but he always ends up messing things up again its a circle

thinking about all this over past few days and i dont want him there purely because im scared of gettin let down
giving birth and then few days later he goes out for the weekend or somethin

id want to give birth and him to support me for abit cause my emotions are gunna be everywhere so him going on a night out so soon after is gunna make me feel "stuck holding the baby" type thing even tho i sorta am,part of me wants to believe him when he says he wants be involved