FOB Issues

[MissMamma]

So some of you may already know i am now a single mum. It was for the best and I'm glad i am no longer with that man but he is being impossible. I am hoping some girls in a similar situ may be able to help me out...

Since we have split things have turned nastier and nastier and this last week he has been aggressive, violent, angry and downright nasty. He has kicked my furniture, blocked my way, once so that i missed the bus to college [they go once an hour and i was only meant to be in for two hours in the afternoon], thrown clothes and toys all over my living room floor, he has tried to snatch my sleeping baby off my chest and take her away from me when she was really ill [with sickness, diarrhea and a horrible cold], he snatches things out of my hand, refuses to leave my house when i ask him to, takes my phone so i cant ring anyone and just generally talks aggressively and shouts down at me.

I know i should be grateful that he's still showing an interest in being part of Raphi's life but it honestly feels like he's purely doing it because he knows how much i hate being away from her

I just dont know what to do anymore, i cant win. He is stronger than me and easily physically stops me from doing things and there's no way i can force him to leave if he doesnt want to.

My mum is sure he is trying to sabotage my attempt at college so that i dont become any better than he is and i'm really starting to think she could be right. I feel like giving up already, i have so much shit going round in my head i just cant focus on college work and then in the evenings when i'm supposed to be concentrating on work i get 11+ missed calls off him and texts every two minutes.

I am so sick of not knowing what to do or how to deal with him.

Tonight i asked him to not come into my house again unless it is an emergency with Raphi or we have agreed to it in advance. Every time he comes round we argue and more often than not its in front of Raphi. I hate it. she clearly knows whats going on as she starts to "shout" and join in. It breaks my heart. Anyways, he refused to leave and he refused to stop arguing. If i ignore him or stop talking back he gets violent.

How can i resolve things? I just want to be able to agree to a reasonable timetable of who will have Raphi when and have his word that he will not try and come into my house.

 

[MikaylasMummy]

Get a protection order.I'm sorry but you need to be stronger than that to let him ruin your future is to let your child down.go to the police and get help.his behavior is deplorable and he can't get away with that and throwing your babies toys/snatching her sleeping from you..do you trust him to be alone with her?

 

[divershona]

Oh no Jessie thats really not good that slinki is being like that with you, and especially infront of Raphi.

personally i'd call the police out and say that he's being violent and threatening, they might get an injunction out againt him which will mean that he could be arrested if he comes near you or Raphi again, and you two could somehow come to an arrangement for him to see her somewhere publicly if you still want him to be in contact with her or under supervision. Would it be possible for your mum to be there when he comes to see Raphi? that way you have some back up etc?

 

[MissMamma]

The sad thing is i know i'm not being very strong but i am so ashamed of how my life has turned out. I cant believe i spent four years with this man and never realized how horrible he was. I feel like the things he does aren't severe enough for a protection order, that i would be making things worse but his behavior is deplorable. But he does love his daughter and i do trust him with her. I want her to have a dad.

I have threatened with the police but he took my phone from my hands so i couldn't call them and i feel a bit silly, he's not actually ever hit me, i feel like i would be wasting police time. And i do want him to see raphi, not for his sake but for hers she adores him and was always a daddys girl. But it breaks my heart to think she might take up all his horrible traits if she spends too much time with him which is what happened to my baby cousin when my auntie gave up the fight with her ex and her son lived with his dad or majority of the time! and he would downright refuse to be in the same room as any member of my family!

 

[MikaylasMummy]

him trapping you in your own house, staying when you have asked him to leave, taking your things and refusing to give them back, violently throwing your belongings around your house are all grounds for a protection order or injunction (here it is called an avo) against him..there doesnt need to be an actual act of violence towards you(at least not here anyway) just the threat of one. go into the police station and tell them what has been happening and they will help you.they wont tell you you are being silly. i feel sad for you cos i do understand and i am so sorry he has gotten you to the point that you feel silly complaining for being treated like this!please do whats right for your child and at least speak to the police.then maybe next time he comes into your home uninvited call the police straight away and have him arrested for tresspassing

 

[AirForceWife7]

Please hun ... PLEASE for you & your daughter's safety get a protection order So sorry you're going through this. He sounds so controlling & possessive.

 

[x__amour]

Jessie, I'm so sorry! That's awful! I definitely have to agree with the protection order!

 

[Strawberrymum]

Go to the police. You got to do it for your daughter. Don't be scared to go

 

[Cassie_x]

Oh hunni . You can't let him carry on like that? Refusing to leave your home, and being aggressive all in front of your little baby. You need to go to the police. I'm sorry, but please be strong. You need to for little Raphi.

 

[lauram_92]

He sounds horrible. I'd definitely speak to the police or even a Health Visitor about what to do. And I'd maybe ask for an injunction so he can't come to yours and only allow him supervised visits through the court? I hope things get better!

 

[wishuwerehere]

If he is being aggressive, you NEED to go to the police.
Don't answer the door to him! when you get home lock it from the inside! or did he used to live with you? does he have a key? Change the locks. Tell him if he wants to see Raphi you'll come to him, somewhere public!

 

[annawrigley]

FOB is the same. I don't have any advice becauseeee

The sad thing is i know i'm not being very strong but i am so ashamed of how my life has turned out. I cant believe i spent four years with this man and never realized how horrible he was. I feel like the things he does aren't severe enough for a protection order, that i would be making things worse but his behavior is deplorable. But he does love his daughter and i do trust him with her. I want her to have a dad.

That's why I've not done anything either :/

I have threatened with the police but he took my phone from my hands so i couldn't call them and i feel a bit silly, he's not actually ever hit me, i feel like i would be wasting police time. And i do want him to see raphi, not for his sake but for hers she adores him and was always a daddys girl. But it breaks my heart to think she might take up all his horrible traits if she spends too much time with him which is what happened to my baby cousin when my auntie gave up the fight with her ex and her son lived with his dad or majority of the time! and he would downright refuse to be in the same room as any member of my family!

Also agree with the bolded there! It's so draining isn't it!

xxxxxx

 

[MissMamma]

anna drained is exactly the word!

I skipped college today because raphi is on antibiotics for a chest infection so nursery wont have her, he came round to pick her up and it all happened again. I asked him to stay on the doorstep whilst i got her hings together but he ignored me came right into the house, threw more shit on the floor and went on my laptop, without asking :/ i now have the non emergency number for the police and hopefully if there's a next time i'll actually have the balls to ring it!

I just feel like i cant cope with this, the HUGE amount of college work i have and the fact that my house is falling down and the landlord is a useless lump of shite

I have never thought about talking to a health visitor about it though, whoever mentioned it thanks, i am definitely going to go see mine because she is lovely and hopefully will be able to help. If only just to have a chat with her!!

 

[MissMamma]

...and thanks everyone for the support i am feeling so useless atm and as per you are all stars

 

[annawrigley]

I have the non-emergency police number on my phone too! And he's the reason I dropped out of college last year, I lasted right up til May then he just started causing loads of shit all the time so college was the last thing on my mind, they were so unsympathetic though just basically told me to deal with it. xxxx

 

[MissMamma]

sorry to bring you all down again but wow! i feel like utter shit. i'm starting to believe he does this purposefully on a sunday night because he knows i have college in the morning :/

i am still really struggling with him. i dont want to do anything to upset or anger him but i feel like i am being walked all over.

he told me an hour and a half ago he was having raphi tomorrow, i said that wasnt fair at such short notice. i wanted to involve a third party to help us come to an agreement about who would have Raphi when but he refused. He said if i involve anyone else he will walk away and never see Raphi again, so what choice do i have but go with the schedule he arranged :/

i want to take her away for five days but he has said no because his family are coming down that week. I will be back on the tuesday and have said he can have her the rest of the week if he wants but its not good enough for him. he says i can only go away if i leave her.

he has also said i need to wean her off breastmilk because the fact that my milk will dry up if she is away from me too long is a "shitty excuse". i express every night she is away from me but i have always struggled expressing and have never been able to get much out and he knows this.

i feel absolutely sick. i dont know what to do. i dont want to live the rest of my life tiptoeing around this prick but i dont want to spend the rest of my life having to deal ith his anger either or being the reason my baby girl doesnt have a daddy and one day having to explain that to her

somebody come and take control of my life please. i just want to curl up with my baby and never leave my house ever again.

ETA: I am also looking at which universities i want to go to next year, something i have been ridiculously excited about for a long time. Originally i wanted to go to Brighton or Liverpool but FOB said it was too far away. So now i'm looking at manchester, sheffield, preston and huddersfield all places that dont particularly excite me but do the course i want and i thought would be near enough for FOB. Apparently not. Manchester is just over half an hour away on the train and he as said its too far. I have to stay living where i do now and commute or leave Raphi with him during the week and come home to see her on weekends! :/ i know this is totally out of order but i dont know how to do anything about it?!

 

[MikaylasMummy]

Ok first of all If there is no custody agreement you DO NOT need his permission to take her away.you also do not need his permission to get a third party to draw up a custody order.he would be forced to go or you get what you want!take her on the holiday it's too bad for him and DO NOT leave her!!he can't dictate what you do!and as for giving up breastfeeding don't do it!!he can't tell you what to do in that respect either!stay strong hun

 

[annawrigley]

he told me an hour and a half ago he was having raphi tomorrow, i said that wasnt fair at such short notice. i wanted to involve a third party to help us come to an agreement about who would have Raphi when but he refused. He said if i involve anyone else he will walk away and never see Raphi again, so what choice do i have but go with the schedule he arranged :/

This is really weird Pretty much exactly that happened with FOB the other day, it was basically 'let me have him when I dictate to you or I will never see him again'. If you saw my 'dont know what to do' status on FB the other day thats what it was about. I have just given in now because like you I don't want to be the reason he doesn't see his dad xx

 

[smatheson]

to both op and Anna. You guys shouldnt have to go through that! That is horrible that they would say they would never see their child again.

 

[bbyno1]

Omg 1st of all i really feel it for you
I don't really know what advice to offer,as i havn't been in this position before.
Sounds like a difficult one though. When they say 'do this and that or i won't ever see LO again' do you believe that? Sounds like that is just a threat so you do go along with what he wants/says. If he is a good dad and cares that much about his LO then he surly can't mean that.