FOB passed away, which surname?

[kat_s]

Hi everyone I haven't posted before, i've been lurking a little but I need some advice. I'll also start posting regularly, everyone seems lovely on here.

Basically, before I found out i was pregnant, the baby's father (my fiance) sadly died in a car accident and I'm due at the end of march

I've always thought that I'd give the baby his surname as he's still the father, even though they'll never meet but my mum is completely against it, she said "he's gone and not coming back, so whats the point?" but I feel like I should use his surname.

the rest of my family and my fiance's family are saying it's my decision, as 'the last thing I need is people nagging me about what to name it' and it's not uncommon for my mum to nag.
What would you do?

 

[BrandiCanucks]

If the relationship was good, which I assume it was given he was your fiancee, I would honor him and give the baby his last name, regardless of what your mother thinks. She's not going to disown her grandchild over a last name. He may be gone physically, but he's still the baby's father.

Another option is your last name hyphenated with his. So sorry for your loss

 

[Mushymilkfor2]

I think you should definitely give your baby his last name! Just because he's not here doesn't mean your baby shouldn't get his last name. That would be like changing your last name if he passed after birth, it seems silly. At least it does to me.

I think your mom is being selfish by making you feel bad for choosing to use the father's surname. But, like the previous poster said, you could always hyphenate to compromise.

 

[CloverMouse]

I agree, the baby should have it's fathers name. Had he passed after the baby was born it sounds as if this wouldn't be a question.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, But I feel like he should be honored in this way. It isn't as if he bailed when he found out, he was taken too soon.

 

[Tigerlily01]

I wouldn't listen to your mom, and do what feels right to you. If you want to share part of your name with baby, your could hyphenate the baby's name, or if that doesn't matter to you, you could use FOB's last name. Or if neither of those feel right, use your last name and honor him in another way.

 

[threebirds]

So very sorry for your loss.
You do have quite a few options and should def do what you think is best. You could give your baby:
His last name
Both of your last names hyphenated
Your last name but with his last name as a middle name
Your last name but with his first name (or a feminine version of it) as a middle name

I think you are right to honour and include him in some way in your baby's name but you might also want to have the same last name as your child. Dont worry, im sure whatever you decide will be 'right' for you and you'll find a good way to include him x

 

[Foogirl]

Sorry for your loss. It is a tough decision, but I would do whatever you feel comfortable with. If it were me I'd be more likely to use his last name as a middle name, but it is a totally personal decision.

 

[the why bird]

So very sorry for your loss.

I'd give baby whatever surname you would have given him/her if your fiance was still alive. It's not like he chose to leave your lives. Your child might appreciate that link.

 

[JJKCB]

first off im sorry for your loss must be horrible to lose your fiance but what an amazing gift finding out your pregnant, your baby will always be a little living part of him

2nd of all your mother sound like a ridiculous, selfish, childish person, its the only real link your child will ever have to his father you child DESERVES that link to his dad, its not about anyone other than the baby - I mean if your dad died would you change your surname because he gone and not coming back?
just the stupidest thing I think Ive ever heard

 

[Pielette]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In your position I would give baby his last name. I would feel it's still (and perhaps more) important now to give baby his name.

If you're comfortable with that then I would just do it and ignore what your mum says. Although if you'd prefer you could hyphenate your names as pp have suggested, or incorporate his first name somehow. But ultimately it is your decision and you should go with your gut instinct. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do in this situation.

 

[wannabemomy37]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss hun that's terrible

Personally if it were me I'd honor him in another way, as I'd like to have the same last name as my baby for legal purposes and whatnot. I love the idea of his last name as baby's middle name (girl or boy) or depending on the name I'd even consider using his first/middle name as baby's middle name so long as it went nicely.

In the end it's your choice.

 

[HazzaB]

I'm sorry for your tragic loss.
The choice of the babies last name is entirely up to you. Do what you think is best.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'm so sorry for your loss . I would do what feels right to you. If I was in your situation I'd use your LO's fathers name (if that's what you would have done if he was still here), or double barrel it with your name.

 

[LoveCakes]

So sorry for all you have been through. Have a think about you would have done, I'm sure you know what's best.

Ignore your mum it's your decision and if you give in now she'll keep nagging to get her way about other things in the future.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy is amazing.x

 

[SweetWitch]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

If you wanna use FOB's last name, then do it, the decision should be yours only. I don't think anything is wrong with it. But hyphenating the surnames is also a good idea

 

[Notabene]

So sorry for your loss.

I think it would be lovely to honor your fiance in one way or another if you feel that's the right thing to do.

I am however thinking -and I really hope you don't take offence to this as no one can ever replace your fiance, and you are probably no where near ready to think about this- but you might one day meet another guy, and you may want to marry him, take his surname and maybe have a baby with him. If that happens, your baby will be the only one with his surname, and may feel left out somehow? (or alternatively, you might choose at that point to change your baby's surname, which may 'hurt' a bit?)

If I were you, I'd consider giving the baby a version of your fiance's name, but maybe not as his surname?

So, either:
Your fiance's first/second name as your baby's middle name, or
your fiance's surname as your baby's middle name.


But at the end of the day, this is a decision you need to make, and I think you should listen to your heart, and not so much your mum...

Hope you figure it out.

x

 

[JJKCB]

So sorry for your loss.

I think it would be lovely to honor your fiance in one way or another if you feel that's the right thing to do.

I am however thinking -and I really hope you don't take offence to this as no one can ever replace your fiance, and you are probably no where near ready to think about this- but you might one day meet another guy, and you may want to marry him, take his surname and maybe have a baby with him. If that happens, your baby will be the only one with his surname, and may feel left out somehow? (or alternatively, you might choose at that point to change your baby's surname, which may 'hurt' a bit?)

If I were you, I'd consider giving the baby a version of your fiance's name, but maybe not as his surname?

So, either:
Your fiance's first/second name as your baby's middle name, or
your fiance's surname as your baby's middle name.


But at the end of the day, this is a decision you need to make, and I think you should listen to your heart, and not so much your mum...

Hope you figure it out.

x

im sorry but I dont agree at all (coming from a family where my mother divorced my father and remarried)

if he was alive and she met someone else she would not change the child's name...

even if she does 'remarry' and even if the guy is great he wont be 'replacing' the father (which is what changing the name would signify) its not the fathers fault that he couldn't be there and its the child's link to his/her family

and

the OP has already said she is still in touch with the in laws etc... so if she meets someone else would they suddenly not be the kids family? would you just irradiate that and instil a new family on the 'new' fathers side

the mother is free to move on and be happy by all means when shes ready but that should in no way impeach on the child's links to their father and other side of the family - to essentially wipe out a child's heritage because its easier for you is just selfish and ridiculous, it should be all about the child

 

[Notabene]

So sorry for your loss.

I think it would be lovely to honor your fiance in one way or another if you feel that's the right thing to do.

I am however thinking -and I really hope you don't take offence to this as no one can ever replace your fiance, and you are probably no where near ready to think about this- but you might one day meet another guy, and you may want to marry him, take his surname and maybe have a baby with him. If that happens, your baby will be the only one with his surname, and may feel left out somehow? (or alternatively, you might choose at that point to change your baby's surname, which may 'hurt' a bit?)

If I were you, I'd consider giving the baby a version of your fiance's name, but maybe not as his surname?

So, either:
Your fiance's first/second name as your baby's middle name, or
your fiance's surname as your baby's middle name.


But at the end of the day, this is a decision you need to make, and I think you should listen to your heart, and not so much your mum...

Hope you figure it out.

x

im sorry but I dont agree at all (coming from a family where my mother divorced my father and remarried)

if he was alive and she met someone else she would not change the child's name...

even if she does 'remarry' and even if the guy is great he wont be 'replacing' the father (which is what changing the name would signify) its not the fathers fault that he couldn't be there and its the child's link to his/her family

and

the OP has already said she is still in touch with the in laws etc... so if she meets someone else would they suddenly not be the kids family? would you just irradiate that and instil a new family on the 'new' fathers side

the mother is free to move on and be happy by all means when shes ready but that should in no way impeach on the child's links to their father and other side of the family -to essentially wipe out a child's heritage because its easier for you is just selfish and ridiculous, it should be all about the child

Hmmm... I don't think you've read my post properly. You're certainly reading things into it that I never even mentioned (and which I would never agree with either.) Sorry if my post wasn't clear, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

Either way, OP, I believe you should do what you feel is right. No one else can tell you what that is.

 

[SabrinaKat]

Hi,

Having had a partner who died suddenly (blood clot), it was a pretty rough time and it took me a long time to deal with it (I met somebody many years later and we are happily (well...usually!) married and have a LO), so I'd imagine that you are going through a pretty hard time at the moment.

I'd suggest either using your boyfriend's last name as a middle one or perhaps hyphenated with your own. Your 'in-law's' and the FOB's family will appreciate the thought and it is lovely to think that a little part of your partner is around. I don't think it appropriate to comment about your mom, but I think there is probably some tension/stress already there? The most important thing is you do what YOU want.

(Incidentially, my LO has his dad's name, but I kept mine (degrees, work, etc) and it has never caused any problems, so let your decision be guided by what YOU want to do)....

hugs

 

[pinkribbon]

I don't think there's a 'right' answer in this case. I think I'd give the father's name in your shoes.

I'm so sorry for our loss.