FOB wants to stop LO from seeing my family

[kirstybumx3]

Hi,
I don't like posting my business publicly but it's the only way I can really ask questions and get answers without it getting too personal. I can't seem to find what I need in google.

To cut the story short my partner left me and LO a little over 4 months ago now. He said he wasn't happy, tried to make it work, was with someone else within a week of leaving.

He has basically told me I am not to have anyone in my house around Rio, which I've agreed is fine. I have no interest anyway. He's told me I must not leave my son anywhere to go out, he's also said he will not have Rio if he knows I plan on going out.
He said he doesn't want Rio around any of my friends that don't have children as they are all piss heads, this is not true.
All of this I agreed to for a quiet life.

But, last weekend I went out for lunch and a couple of drinks and left LO with my mum, whilst I was out she asked if she could keep him overnight and I said yes.
My ex has gone mad about this. 1 because I went out, 2 because I left LO overnight.
He has now told me that I am not to take my son to my mums house at all. And when I asked why he simply said 'because I don't like her, and I have as much right as you to say who my son sees, so I don't want him there'

Is he allowed to put these 'rules' in place? I don't want my LO to stop seeing his grandparents. I don't even want to have to mention to my mum that this has been said. But I know he will stick to his wishes just to try and be mean.
I don't know how much more of this I can put up with. I am basically his puppet and have to do what he says because I've got our LO. And whatever I do influences him. I'm so fed up.

Does anyone have any insight on what his actual rights are in regards to this please?

 

[Ceejay123]

No - at the end of the day, he can't. Yes you have equal rights, but neither of you have the right to dictate/control what your child does while in the others care.

How much does he see him? X

 

[MiniKiwi]

He sounds extremely controlling Have you got any sort of formal care arrangements? Through the courts?

He's way out of line here. He's just trying to control you completely, stop you from having any sort of life other than caring for your son full time. You deserve a break, a night/day out and if your mother is fit to care for your son then there is no reason why she shouldn't.

 

[noon_child]

He sounds extremely controlling Have you got any sort of formal care arrangements? Through the courts?

He's way out of line here. He's just trying to control you completely, stop you from having any sort of life other than caring for your son full time. You deserve a break, a night/day out and if your mother is fit to care for your son then there is no reason why she shouldn't.

This. He definitely sounds like he has control issues. Is he on the birth certificate? If not he actually doesn't have any automatic rights until he applies through the courts. If you are giving him access you are doing so from your own generosity and feeling your child should have a relationship with his father. If he is on the birth certificate he has rights but also more responsibilities to your CHILD, not over you or what you do. Stopping you from having a life has NOTHING to do with wanting his child cared for!

 

[teal]

He has absolutely no right to make these types of demands. Honestly, who does he think he is saying you can't go out? Your child deserves to know their grandparents.

 

[Kirsty3051]

I understand that he's his son too but honestly, if OH spoke to me like that, I'd tell him to go fuck himself. You're a human being, not a dog that is expected to take commands. Unless he has a valid reason for not wanting your son to have a relationship with his grandparents, he needs to keep his mouth shut. "I don't like her" is not a valid reason, it's him trying to control your actions now he's not around. He's not your partner, he's not your husband, and as long as your son is being well looked after, he should respect the choices that you make for him.

Some people smh.

 

[daneuse27]

So he leaves you to be a single parent, but then doesn't want to allow you to get help from family/friends?

I would tell him to go fuck himself. You deserve a break/night out every now and then. He has no right to make any demands. You're the primary caregiver now, so you decide whats best and what works for you and your LO - what your ex wants is irrelevant.

 

[ClairAye]

So he leaves you to be a single parent, but then doesn't want to allow you to get help from family/friends?

!!!! This! I would laugh and tell FOB to fuck right off if he had the audacity to say that to me!

 

[CandyDay]

He can't force you to not let family around your Lo. And he can't force you to not have visitors over either. It's your house not his he has no right to try and force you to do those things. He is being ridiculous. I would keep track of these things by writing them down in case you need them for custody issues. If he texts you or emails you about stuff like that keep them just in case you need them later on. He sounds too controlling.

 

[moomin_troll]

I seriously go off on one if they spoke to me like that. He has no right to tell u, u can't go out and who can see ur baby. What a tw*t!

 

[Proserpina]

I don't know the rules in other countries, but in joint custody arrangements in America, neither custodial parent has any say in who the other exposes the children to. So long as the child is not in immediate danger, the courts will not care who the other partner has around them.

Some parents are able to push through a "morality clause," i.e. you cannot let the children see you sleeping over with a new partner. But these turn the other parent into the stalker morality police and are notoriously difficult to enforce.

So, in other words, unless your mother is a drug-addled meth head or something, he has no grounds for forbidding your daughter from being around. In fact, children in single parent homes can usually benefit from the stability and continuity of relationships with their grandparents, so he clearly doesn't have your daughter's best interests in mind.

OP, have you considered going "no contact" with your ex? By that I mean, he isn't allowed to contact you unless the matter directly pertains to the care of your child. Use Google calendar to set up visitation and tell him he has no legal say in who you expose the child to when he doesn't have visitation. Tell him he has to use email if he wants to contact you.

I did this with my ex in early September, and I feel like I'm breathing clean air now, not having his crazy in my life anymore.

 

[AnneD]

Hi,
I don't like posting my business publicly but it's the only way I can really ask questions and get answers without it getting too personal. I can't seem to find what I need in google.

To cut the story short my partner left me and LO a little over 4 months ago now. He said he wasn't happy, tried to make it work, was with someone else within a week of leaving.

He has basically told me I am not to have anyone in my house around Rio, which I've agreed is fine. I have no interest anyway. He's told me I must not leave my son anywhere to go out, he's also said he will not have Rio if he knows I plan on going out.
He said he doesn't want Rio around any of my friends that don't have children as they are all piss heads, this is not true.
All of this I agreed to for a quiet life.

But, last weekend I went out for lunch and a couple of drinks and left LO with my mum, whilst I was out she asked if she could keep him overnight and I said yes.
My ex has gone mad about this. 1 because I went out, 2 because I left LO overnight.
He has now told me that I am not to take my son to my mums house at all. And when I asked why he simply said 'because I don't like her, and I have as much right as you to say who my son sees, so I don't want him there'

Is he allowed to put these 'rules' in place? I don't want my LO to stop seeing his grandparents. I don't even want to have to mention to my mum that this has been said. But I know he will stick to his wishes just to try and be mean.
I don't know how much more of this I can put up with. I am basically his puppet and have to do what he says because I've got our LO. And whatever I do influences him. I'm so fed up.

Does anyone have any insight on what his actual rights are in regards to this please?

Let's get this one straight.

- he left you and was with another woman within a week, which is basically equivalent to dumping you and your son for another woman
- You are not allowed anyone in the house around your son = you've got to be single for the rest of your life
- you're never to leave him anywhere to go out = see above. Because if you went out, you might meet someone, oooops
- your friends are not allowed around your son = isolation from friends = support network shrinks to family only
- you went out for a couple of drinks = there is a life for you after your ex, how dare you?!?
- your son is not allowed to see your mum (because your ex doesn't like her) = isolation from family = support network does not exist = you're on your own = he has total control over you and the kid = you're up shit creeck without a paddle (and you don't have a canoe either)

Meanwhile, he has a whole new relationship, goes out as much as he pleases, gets to see his kid and his own family as he pleases, meets up with friends whenever.

Now tell me, what's that ex of yours smoking and has he always been like that? I assume your 'agreement' was completely informal?

The guy is nuts. Stay well away, document everything, get a lawyer and go for full custody. If he keeps acting like a psychopath, get a restraining order.

 

[Mummy1995]

Honestly I'd probably just laugh in his face. He has no right to dictate anything to you so just ignore him! What a prick

 

[whattoexpect]

I would def be inclined to set something up formally with a family court.

Controlling is a slippery slope to abuse, and even though it may have been his choice to leave sometimes things just "click" for these guys and you never know when your safety or the safety of your LO will be in question.

He sounds aggressive and mean and I am sure that this is not something new. You are probably lucky to be rid of him, but I would get all of this documented and proper support/visitations set up to protect you and your family.

May be over the top, but I have some experience with domestic abuse and telling FOB off may do more harm than good.

Best of luck in this difficult time.

 

[Sinead]

This is still domestic abuse. He is aiming to continue to control your life. Just ignore him and YOU decide who LO sees when he is with you. I would be tempted to get something legally in place as until you do you would have no grounds if your ex decided to take LO. (I never realised this at first). If you have any of what your ex said including text show your solicitor HTH.

 

[JessyG]

He sounds horribly controlling. If my oh ever said that to me I would laugh in his face! What you are not to go out but I bet he doesn't have lo overnight very often and goes out when he is 'free' why on earth should the rules be different for you. I understand the idea of not introducing partners to children too soon but has he followed this rule as you say he has met someone already?

Do you have sole custody? How often does he see/have him during a week.

Ps he sounds like a dick head. You are far better without him!

 

[Topanga053]

I COMPLETELY agree with Anne!!!

He sounds abusive and I'm sure this behavior isn't new.

To your question, I would consult an attorney in your area and get a formal custody order in place. That will also ensure that YOU know what the rules are in your area, so you fully understand your rights. I have a bad feeling that this situation with escalate quickly without the courts and a formal schedule in place. If you can't afford a lawyer, there are usually organizations who take clients for free or reduced charge (check to see if your local law school has a legal aid clinic, for one. Also call your local bar association for ideas... They should be able to suggest resources in your area.) also, don't be afraid to ask lawyers for a free consult or to adjust their fees. Lastly, I don't know what happened in your relationship, but if you do consider it an abusive one, some local DV organizations partner with local attorneys to provide services to its clients for free.

Regarding your relationship, I know you didn't ask, but I'm concerned. What you described reeks of an abuser and that level of control usually doesn't materialize overnight. I also find it interesting that you don't seem angry or overly concerned about his behavior and seem like you've simply agreed to do everything he's asked. I could be totally off base, but again, that suggests to me that you're used to his behavior and used to doing what he wants. If that's true, you might want to consider meeting with a DV organization or therapist to figure out how to break out of this cycle of control and not carry this with you as you move forward.

Sorry if I'm completely off base, but I just got a feeling from your post and I felt it would be wrong to not at least mention it. Only you know what happened before you broke up, but I got concerned.

I hope you get everything sorted out. Xoxox

 

[baileybubs]

Aw hun I agree with all the other ladies, he cannot dictate any of that to you at all.

I do agree a little with a PP who mentioned treading a little carefully, initially my thought was tell him to fuck off, but if he has these controlling issues if you "disobey" him (as he will see it) then he could retaliate by taking your LO or even being violent/aggressive. This is definately controlling behaviour he is demostrating which is a form of abuse.
Definately look into legal custody hun so you have full custody and it cant be outlined to him that you can do whatever the hell you want!!

 

[tallybee]

Sorry but what a complete arsepiece. The other ladies are right. Best of luck hun you deserve better than this - it'll be a difficult road asserting yourself against someone used to exerting such control, but it will be worth it in the end. You don't want your son growing up thinking this is the way men treat women. x

 

[Googiepie]

He has no right to do this to you. Is he still with that new person?if so, does she come around your son? If I was you, I'd laugh at him and tell him to fuck off. My ex has said before if we broke up, I wouldn't be allowed other men around our child I told him to shove his head up his ass! You need to have a break, to go out, etc. He can't tell you not to. Sounds like he doesn't want you to meet anyone new. What are you supposed to do, be single and in isolation for the rest of your life? Tell him to give his head a shake! This is abusive behaviour and you should not put up with it. I would get something in writing through the courts.