For those on good terms with FOB - do you do family things together

[amygwen]

Hi everyone

My FOB and I have been engaged since a little after LO was born, but been together as a couple for over five years. I have decided I don't want to be with FOB anymore and told him he needs to move out. With that being said, he's moving back in with his grandmother and wants to see LO still (and I want him to continue to be involved). We've worked out an arrangement for the days he will have LO and we've both agreed.

Now, even though you and FOB may not be on the best of terms, do you still do family things together, i.e. go to the movies, go to the park, etc. on random occasions? FOB was wondering if we could continue to do things like that so that we are all together and on 'happy' terms around our LO, but I'm not so sure it's a good idea. I don't want to confuse LO, but I'd be willing to take an hour out of my day every so often to do something as a 'family'. Does that make sense?

Thanks a lot in advance for the advice.

 

[Boomerslady]

Me and FOB have been split for 2 years now. He has Ben for 3 nights a week and has had for about 18 months. At first we tried to do things together. We had a day out at the farm and I went to Bens nursery Xmas concert with him (the nursery he goes to on FOBs days). While it was fine and we acted like friends it was a bit weird. However the moment I met someone new he changed. He's very bitter even now but we're still civil. I think those family days perhaps gave him hope we might get back together.

All I can suggest is try it and see how it goes. Sadly as friendly as you are things happen and people change. As much as ill always love FOB as a person and a Dad to my boy, I don't like him that much anymore!

 

[Alexas Mommy]

When my daughters father and I split, I wanted to keep him involved as I knew he felt like crap and also didn't know how to do the parenting thing alone. I split with him December 16/09... a few weeks before Christmas-but i let him come over while she opened her gifts etc. It was rough for him, but I always gave him the opportunity to spend family days with us, but he rarely ever did.

Now that we are both in serious relationships we don't try to do things together, of course, we just lead our own separate family lives-we get along great, though.

If you are the one who ended it, he is probably hurting more than you right now, and his idea of spending time together as a family might be a plan to get you back. I don't know him, but it does seem like a typical thing that an ex would try.

Do what you feel is most comfortable or right!

 

[Becky61]

Hi
FOB & i split when i was 6 weeks pregnant, we had only been together 10 weeks, so the split wasnt too painful.
We tried getting back together once when i was 7 months pregnant, & again when lo was 5 months old. It just doesnt work. We are better as friends.
Fob has lo once a week, visits lo at mine twice a week, & we have 1 family day once a week ie. a meal or a shopping trip together. We live in England, but have scheduled a holiday to Wales, all 3 of us, to visit fob parents (the other grand parents!)
Sometimes it makes the "line" between los mummy & daddy, & a relationship, slightly blurred, but we know after trial & error that it doesnt work, & we are always very honest & open & talk about our feelings.
This may well all change when we get new partners (he is currently dating someone, & things have stayed the same so far).
Work out whats going to work best for you, your kids, & your ex. Your "line" maybe blurry too, as you were together so long. Make sure you regularly talk to each other about how your feeling.
Good luck! Time is everything in a situation like this, its been nearly 18 months since we found out i was pregnant, & we are still finding our feet!
All the best
x

 

[amygwen]

Me and FOB have been split for 2 years now. He has Ben for 3 nights a week and has had for about 18 months. At first we tried to do things together. We had a day out at the farm and I went to Bens nursery Xmas concert with him (the nursery he goes to on FOBs days). While it was fine and we acted like friends it was a bit weird. However the moment I met someone new he changed. He's very bitter even now but we're still civil. I think those family days perhaps gave him hope we might get back together.

All I can suggest is try it and see how it goes. Sadly as friendly as you are things happen and people change. As much as ill always love FOB as a person and a Dad to my boy, I don't like him that much anymore!

I can see what you mean. I'm sure if/when the time comes and I meet someone new - he will also be very bitter towards me. He's semi-bitter now and I don't even want to be in a relationship with anyone! I can see what you mean about the family days giving him hope that you would get back together. I think he may use "family days" as an excuse to see us all together and maybe hope that it may rekindle our relationship. Thank you so much for your advice. This is all new to me and I'm just not really sure what is best, but like you said - I can try it and see how it goes.

Next week will be our first time attending a dance rehearsal of DS and not being a couple. We will see how it goes!

When my daughters father and I split, I wanted to keep him involved as I knew he felt like crap and also didn't know how to do the parenting thing alone. I split with him December 16/09... a few weeks before Christmas-but i let him come over while she opened her gifts etc. It was rough for him, but I always gave him the opportunity to spend family days with us, but he rarely ever did.

Now that we are both in serious relationships we don't try to do things together, of course, we just lead our own separate family lives-we get along great, though.

If you are the one who ended it, he is probably hurting more than you right now, and his idea of spending time together as a family might be a plan to get you back. I don't know him, but it does seem like a typical thing that an ex would try.

Do what you feel is most comfortable or right!

Thank you so much for your advice.

It means a lot, because you are both in serious relationships now, I'm sure that you don't have a 'family' type of relationship. Did you break it off with FOB? Or was it mutual? It makes sense that he's hurting more than me right now because I did break up with him and he may have some false hope that we would get back together in the future. I don't have any intention of getting back with him, but I did think it'd be nice to stay on good terms and do things together. Although I do think that will all change when I meet someone in the future. Thanks for your advice!

Hi
FOB & i split when i was 6 weeks pregnant, we had only been together 10 weeks, so the split wasnt too painful.
We tried getting back together once when i was 7 months pregnant, & again when lo was 5 months old. It just doesnt work. We are better as friends.
Fob has lo once a week, visits lo at mine twice a week, & we have 1 family day once a week ie. a meal or a shopping trip together. We live in England, but have scheduled a holiday to Wales, all 3 of us, to visit fob parents (the other grand parents!)
Sometimes it makes the "line" between los mummy & daddy, & a relationship, slightly blurred, but we know after trial & error that it doesnt work, & we are always very honest & open & talk about our feelings.
This may well all change when we get new partners (he is currently dating someone, & things have stayed the same so far).
Work out whats going to work best for you, your kids, & your ex. Your "line" maybe blurry too, as you were together so long. Make sure you regularly talk to each other about how your feeling.
Good luck! Time is everything in a situation like this, its been nearly 18 months since we found out i was pregnant, & we are still finding our feet!
All the best
x

Hello! Thank you so much. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. I'm sure it'll take a lot of 'trial and error' sessions to realize what's right and what's wrong.. Hopefully everything goes right the first time, but obviously it likely won't. Thank you!

 

[Alexas Mommy]

It was me who broke it off with him, yes.

It is great if you two can remain friendly, or even be friends- ex-OH and I had been together for 8 years, so it is possible even in long-term relationships, it just takes two minds to be on the same page.

When my current OH and I started dating, I told him I was still good friends with my ex-unfortunately most men see this as a threat, so I did tone down our friendship a bit for OH's sake. My ex and I still get along great of course, but I don't involve him as much as I used to.

Good luck!!

 

[fairydust87]

Yes we do but were friends and both single atm. Im not sure what it will be like when either of us gets a new partner but for now it works well x

 

[ellebelle]

We do, but I'm sure one day when either of us moves on that will come to an end.
Just today we went to the carnival together.
I don't think it will confuse our children, we want them to see their parents very much in good terms with one another rather than enemies that are deadpan and neutral to eachother.

 

[beanzz]

No, OH got a new girlfriend pretty soon after we split. I let them do "family outings" with LO as I think it's important for LO to bond with his girlfriend as they're living together now and LO sleeps over there every other weekend. Now me and my OH are doing the whole family outings thing with LO so that he and Oakley can bond. They've got a good friendship going on and LO gets excited when OH comes in. I personally think its better we keep things seperate as I think it could confuse him with us both having partners now... but I will invite FOB along to things like school plays, parents evenings, sports events if LO ever starts a sport, etc. etc. when he is older.

 

[Kate&Lucas]

We do. It took a while for us to get into a place where we didn't want to beat the shite out of each other (publicly), but now and then a family day out is nice. I always find it puts Lucas in a better mood too.
We do birthday parties together too and FOB comes round for dinner every so often. Lucas loves it.