Forgotton pain...

[fluffyblue]

Hi girls

Does pain ever go away

I have never ever shared this with anyone but having just had Ollie and seeing my mum wasting away with Alzheimers I dont have the family network around me to talk to basically because we didnt tell a soul about it.

I was 15 nearly 16 when I lost my baby at 20 weeks in 1987. I unfortunately fell pregnant on my first time with a boy who at the time was the love of my life, he didnt think so and scarpered as soon as I got the positive.

My mum was really strict and made my life hell even though I was at school at the time, spose I didnt really know better but I carried on with life as normal etc.

I sometimes visit the stillbirth/sids section but dont feel like I can post in there because I feel my story isnt worthy - I just look at ways to cope. Unfortunately I lost my little girl due to extreme premature labour. She was called Jessica well thats what I named her (Jessica was a big name in the 80's). I didnt get pictures and to be fair we didnt talk about it much.

Jessica was 240grams and 6 inches long. I cant remember much else

Im now 39 and have gone onto have 3 beautiful children but have lost 5 angels along the way, spose it was embarrassment that held it all in all those years but now I think I can release and grieve along with my other angels because I know I am not going to have any more children.

I know some of my BNB buddies may be surprised by my post but its something which ive kept inside for so long its been buried there, ive been so emotional lately with my mother and alzheimers and her debilitating memory that I need to "empty my closet" as such. I just read so many posts and want to share and express my sadness but sometimes I just dont know what to say I must seem like a "lurker" at times but I just sometimes need to know how to cope with my secret emotions.

Thanks for listening I dont expect sympathy just wanted to share xxx

 

[jojo23]

awe hun what a hard thing for you to go through!! im so so sorry for all of your losses... dont ever feel you are not worthy, even though you may feel alone you are definitely NOT! it must be so hard for you to have kept it inside for so long hun.. and esp being so young at the time!! i wonder would it be worth seeing someone to have a chat about it just to finally get it out there and recognize that it happened to you.... just allowing yourself to come to terms with it finally. so sorry to hear about your mum i have no doubt that your mum losing her memories also is making you think of jessica and your memories. we are all here for you hun and i really hope everything works out for you. feel free to pm me anytime even just to vent! to all your little angels esp jessica and hope your mum is ok!! xxxx

 

[fluffyblue]

Thanks hun really appreciate it alot, have been visiting the loss forums alot lately but it seems ironic as its where I started my BNB journey as well its amazing the comfort you get from this section even though its the section you least want to be in (iykwim) xx

It was actually my hubby who suggested I write about it in here to get it out and be able to talk freely about it x

 

[jojo23]

oh i know hun its terrible that we ever have to be here but thank god that its here because id never have gotten through things otherwise. its amazing how much just writing your feelings down and having a little support helps. i had a mmc at 22 weeks so i know how hard it is to go through the emotion of losing a baby so late. even though losing a little one at any stage is horrific!!! sounds like you hav a lovely hubby to support you too hun! people sometimes amaze me at how much support they give, even when at times we think we dont deserve it and should b moving on with life! i know you'll never forget your little jessica or any of your other little angels you lost hun but i think your amazing for going through all of this and it gives me hope that you have 3 gorgeous children to be absolutely so proud of!!! xxxxx

 

[kam78]

I am so very sorry sweetie!! Can't even to begin to imagine how YOU feel... I can say, from reading your post... You are a remarkably strong woman! You have 5 beautiful lil angels watching out for you and your family... ♥ Well, I believe they are all together AND with our lil angels as well, playing & laughing, I can almost hear their lil giggles.... Hope my Emma plays nicely : )

I am very new to this journey but have learned so much, ecspecially from the ladies on this forum... One thing I have learned that has helped me a LOT, is I talk about my Em... Alot or if I'm not talking about her, God knows I'm thinking about her... I feel if I do, I'm keeper her memory alive & that is one of MY worst fears, that is will be overlooked or forgotten, so my goal is... She will not be... Just posting on here & talking with these wonderful welcoming ladies have done me wonders too! So, girl, jump right in and we'll listen ... If there's anything I can do for you as well, just message me ... anytime...

I think you are on the right road & you are gonna be just fine... ((Big Hug!)) ~ Sounds like you have an amazing husband as well, Good Job Husband... He pushed you in the right direction : )) So, be a team, lean on him, vent to him, cry or scream at him when you need to, doesn't matter how long it's been or what has happened... I hear time is a healer and God I hope so but I think family & friends are a Godsend ♥

You take care babe! Xoxo

 

[hannpin]

 

[SassyLou]

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry and I really admire you for sharing this with us .
I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry about your mom You have been through a lot and it helps to talk it out, I hope you have people around you that you can talk with. I at the moment am an empty shell of a person and I am heartbroken

 

[fluffyblue]

I am so sorry and I really admire you for sharing this with us .
I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry about your mom You have been through a lot and it helps to talk it out, I hope you have people around you that you can talk with. I at the moment am an empty shell of a person and I am heartbroken

Hi hun ive read your story and can really feel your pain, my loss was so young and then I went onto have Ben, I then lost another and then had Laura but unfortunately then went onto have another 4 losses before I got Ollie, yes I have been blessed but have had so much pain at one point I thought my face would break through the plastic smile permantly stuck to my face.

I am nearly 40 too and thought we would never get to this place we are in today but im here. Dont give up if you really want this as you will never forgive yourself hun.

It will get better I promise you, no it doesnt ever go away but it gets bearable. Hope you are ok, pm if you want to talk xx

 

[SarahJane]

It is so unfair that you had to go through what you did without the support you really needed.

It is ok to be sad, it is ok to cry and most importantly it is ok to remember Jessica. She is still with you.

It is never too late to talk so if it helps, do it

Take care of yourself hun x