Freaking out about decisions... need advice

[ArmyWifey11]

Ok so this will be my first child and I have just moved to a new state. The are NO birth centers in my area which would have been my first choice. I had a consultation with a midwife last month and we talked about their doulas and hospitals in the area. And it didn't sound good. The hospitals here apparently are not very understanding with parents wishes. So I'm freaking out. I've also been to a couple doctors in the area and absolutely did not like them at all.
So after the consultation with the midwife my husband and I were leaning towards midwife prenatal care and home birth. Since that seems like the only choice we have left other than the hospital that we were trying to avoid in the first place.
But now I have all this family saying that my choice is stupid and dangerous and it's my first child I won't be able to do it. I will probably in up in the hospital in an emergency situation so why not just do the smart thing and go with the hospital and insurance doctors.
I don't know what to do. I ALWAYS thought I would do something besides a hospital. But now everyone has me terrified. What if I can't do it? I have never done this before and have no clue what to expect. I know if anything goes wrong with the baby my husbands family will have no problem blaming me and making sure I know I did the wrong thing.
I was confident and excited now I'm just scared and stressed out. I'm sorry for this long post and I don't really know what I'm asking you guys for. But I have no one to talk to about this.

 

[madasa]

Yes, you can do it.

If things do not go well, you will transfer in. In birth, it's not like everything goes OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.... ARGH NO EVERYHTING IS GOING WRONG ARGHHH ARGHHHH PANIC, RUN ROUND SCREAMING WIG WAM HELMETS!!!!

Birth usually takes TIME. If something is not right, there are warning signs that the midwife would pick up on and transfer you to hospital in good time.

Don't listen to the people who are trying to put you off. "You will only end up in an emergency situation anyway - " this just shows their ignorance and fear of birth! So no need to be listening to them for advice and opinions on your choices.

 

[aliss]

The main lesson I learned from my horrid overmedicalized hospital birth was that my instinct was always right and that allowing others to butt in would only make things worse.

Your gut is telling you what is right - what is best, most relaxed, safest for you. I would, in your situation (I understand in Arkansas that home birth is a very bizarre idea for nearly all considering what, a 90+% epidural rate?), not even tell anyone until after the birth. Let them think you'll be at the hospital. Let your OH lie to them on the phone, whatever. Their opinion doesn't matter.

Have you read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth?

Where in Arkansas do you live? You are not too far from Ina May Gaskin's farm, perhaps you could consider that.

 

[ArmyWifey11]

The main lesson I learned from my horrid overmedicalized hospital birth was that my instinct was always right and that allowing others to butt in would only make things worse.

Your gut is telling you what is right - what is best, most relaxed, safest for you. I would, in your situation (I understand in Arkansas that home birth is a very bizarre idea for nearly all considering what, a 90+% epidural rate?), not even tell anyone until after the birth. Let them think you'll be at the hospital. Let your OH lie to them on the phone, whatever. Their opinion doesn't matter.

Have you read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth?

Where in Arkansas do you live? You are not too far from Ina May Gaskin's farm, perhaps you could consider that.

I wish I could convince my husband to lie! If he didn't open his big mouth we wouldn't even be having this problem. I love him to death but seriously if the guy could lie dealing with the in-laws would be sooo much easier.
Yes I just bought her book today. I'm excited about reading it!
I believe her midwife center is about 6hrs from us. I wish it was closer!
I think I'm more set on doing this at home now. I went from freaked out and hurt about what they said to just plain pissed off. If they don't think I can do it then I'm sure as h*** going to prove them wrong. They may have given me the best motivation ever. (Gosh I sound mean don't I? Wanting my husband to lie and being pissed off and trying to prove people wrong )

 

[aliss]

Haha! I am up against a lot of opposition myself due to a previous dystocia birth (hospital) but as I said, my biggest lesson was to trust my gut. Mother's instinct is no joke. At the end of the day they cannot drag you to the hospital unless you want, so lock the front door and do your thing!

 

[oread]

I totally agree that you should trust yourself! This isn't their birth, it is YOURS! They are just afraid, and sound a bit controlling. Home birth isn't any more dangerous than in a hospital. I went with the hospital first time around and I regret it - it wasn't terrible or anything, but meh next time I will not hesitate to go for a home birth! I'm actually super excited about getting that opportunity.

Something that really pisses me off is when people are like "but the BABY is most important!!!" Because um.... no shit. I don't know a single mother that would intentionally risk their baby just to get the birth experience they want. You can have both a healthy happy baby AND a wonderful birth experience.

 

[jasminejo24]

i did so much reasearch on homebirth before i made my descision (unfortunatelly due to my downstairs neighbour being a noisy inconsiderate
!@&%#* im going to hospital but the hospitals are pro natural birth where i live. if i move before the birth im having homebirth tho)
people told me i was a bad mother for choosing homebirth and i thought why? then i thought you havent read all the medical studdies i have, you havent asked moms for there opinion, your just saying no to something you know nothing about
so from then on anyone who said "you cant have a home birth its dangerous"
i told them to write ma a 2000 page essay on the pros and cons of home birth then come back and discuss it with me that soon shut them up and im sure if they actually bothered to reasearch it then they would see its not really risky at all

tell people the mw are trained in all aspects of birth unlike some nurses and doctors who have never seen a natural birth. tell them the midwife brings medicin to clot the blood in case the mother starts to bleed badly, they bring portable respirtors for baby etc and either way your midwife knows if you can do it or not and if she thinks there is a chance of something going wrong she wil sugest you go to hospital

 

[madasa]

Whatever you do, do it for YOU. Not to prove anything to anyone else. For you and your baby. Start putting the two of you at the top of the list of "Important People" in your own mind. Other people really don't matter, aside from your OH, but even his wishes are secondary to yours in this matter. This is YOUR journey.

 

[SarahBear]

My advice:
Watch: The Business of Being Born.
Read: Ina May's Guide to Natural Childbirth.

Home birth is only a stupid choice if you're having a high risk pregnancy. Hospital birth is a stupid idea if you're having a low risk pregnancy AND the hospital doesn't respect your wishes and is quick to jump on interventions.

 

[amjon]

I had a fairly good labor/ delivery experience in the hospital (even though I was induced). The end happened so fast they didn't get a chance to do many of their interventions though (didn't even have time to break down the bed ). I planned on a birth center, but ended up in the hospital. I'll have to go hospital with my next pregnancy (as I'm high risk), but I'll try to insist on having few interventions and going as natural as possible.

 

[jasminejo24]

heres a tip
if you go into hospital then be armed with the words i do not consent to ....
if there are things that you def dont want then laminate a piece of paper with i do not consent to written in big letters then all the things underneath
for example im sure if you say and have in writing the fact that you do not consent to the use of pitocin then i dont think legaly they can give it to you
also get a douls aor make sure your birth partner is ready to fight to the death to keep unwanted interventions away from you

i agree with watching the buisness of being born do what you feel is right for you ignore anyone who has not spent at least an hour looking up the pros and cons of homebirth

 

[Pielette]

Many people fear childbirth. They see it as painful and scary, and think about all the things that could happen. They think that women can't cope with it without intervention and pain relief. This, quite frankly, is IGNORANCE.
I remember when I was doing my NCT course, and my course leader asked the question, 'Who believes labour and birth to be painful?' Every person there, with the exception of myself and my husband, raised their hands. Then she said, 'Why?' Not one of them could answer her.
Not so long ago, mere decades in fact, home birth was the standard. Hospital births only came in around the 1950s, I believe, and women were deeply mistrustful of them. Rightly so in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, they have their place, there will always be emergency situations which we need help with. The fact is that I'm not going to go to a hospital just in case. Just in case what? Ok so I'm going to cross the road now, I'd better go to hospital in case I break my leg. Well what if you don't break your leg? Well in that case I'm at the hospital for no bloody reason!
Bad mother for considering home birth? Ha! No way. My son was born in the most loving, peaceful way possible, he had a wonderful start to life thanks to my choices. Birth doesn't go wrong in the space of a minute. The warning signs start early and are spotted early, and if you are comfortable, relaxed and positive there is significantly less chance of anything going wrong.

People don't understand because it is contrary to the norm these days, and they have not done any research. Smile sweetly and let them get on with their scare-mongering. Women are STRONG, believe in your body!

 

[jasminejo24]

you know another good point is half the drugs they gave women for labour and birth 10 years ago are now not used because they caused all sorts of problems i wonder in 10 or 20 years from now how many of the drugs they use now will be out of commision due to health risks?
this it why im going to a mainly midwife led center and trying to do the whole thing on gas and air because it leaves your system quickly and a birth pool

 

[flipflopfan]

One thing I learned about other people and their opinions is that it's not my job to convince them of what I know or intuitively feel to be true for me. I knew that home birth was right for me, but my parents, being the generation they are, assumed this was very risky. At first I felt pressured to convince them of how safe home birth is, but then I realized that was just a waste of time and energy. What I needed to do instead was focus inward and figure out what my truth is and face any fears that pop up.

It sounds like this might be a great opportunity for you to look at any fears that have come up since your family has been trying to convince you to go to the hospital to give birth. What part of you is influenced by their words? Does that part of you feel small, out of control, or alone? If you're into delving inward like I am then I highly recommend the book "Birthing from Within"--it's awesome for exploring any fears you have surrounding birth, using tools like drawing, creative visualization, things of that nature. Also, a woman named Laura Shanley has a wonderful website--do a google search for unassisted birth and you'll find her site (this forum won't let me post the direct link because I haven't made enough posts yet ). The articles, stories and interesting information about unassisted birth isn't necessarily just for women who've chosen to give birth unassisted, it's also for anyone who is looking to deepen their trust in the natural flow/rhythm of birth and also to help them let go of any fear.