Friend with bulimia - help ***UPDATED***

[LJaydow]

My best friend has recently told me she is making herseslf sick. She was hospitalised a couple of weeks back because she ruptured her oesophagus and has had to have stitches in it.

A few days ago, her mum had enough of everything and kicked her out. My friend has bipolar and is refusing medication and psychiatric help. Her mums mum died recently and they have both been struggling to deal with this. She is living with me now as she was staying in a hostel and I couldnt see her out on her own. She has tried ringing her mum but she wont answer the phone to her and wont answer the door if she goes over. Her younger brother keeps phoning her asking when she is coming home.

Since she has been here (3 days) she hasnt kept anything down. I asked her if she is still doing it and she said occasionally but she hasnt kept a meal down. She came downstairs with bloodshot eyes and denied having been sick even though I heard her.

My HUGE concern is that I found blood down the side of the toilet and in the sink this morning. I dont know what to say or do? She wont be able to stay here forever as she is in my OH's daughters room, but of course I wont throw her out or anything. I am on edge all the time because I have a phobia of sick but I just keep thinking im going to find her collapsed somewhere if she carries on. She is covered in bruises because she isnt getting any nutrition, and she is now a size 10 from a 16 which has taken the space of a few months.

I just dont know what to do - she makes excuses every mealtime to go to the shops, out to the car, going for a bath etc, and i cant just sit here and let it go

 

[jen1604]

Honestly hon if she isn't keeping anything at all down you can't deal with that on your own and she may need to be hospitalised.

Can you give your GP a call and explain the situation, they will know where to go from there? Or is she under the care of any kind of mental health professional/ eating disorder unit at the moment?

you're being a great friend to her

 

[LJaydow]

All I know is that she was taken to hospital for the ruptured oesophagus and thats where the bulimia came to light so as far as im aware theres no ED clinic.

They have wanted her on antidepessants for a long while but she is scared that by taking them her personality will change and no one will like her.

Every night she has been here she binges then goes out or goes for a bath, she leaves in the morning with no food. She has a very busy job so its likely that she doesnt attempt lunch either. She just drinks tons of water.

It doesnt feel like im doing enough, but she wont stop because i want her to she has to want to herself and she has already said she doesnt want to stop but what with the blood etc im scared of what will happen. Im the only one who is willing to help her

I'll give my gp a ring and see what they say - might it be worth ringing a mental health unit at the local hospital?

 

[jen1604]

I have bulimia myself but it hasn't been anywhere near as severe as your friends is for a long long time.

For me the first step was the GP and they referred me to the unit and the counselling etc etc, so I reckon give them a try before you try the hospital.

It's tricky that she doesn't want to get better, as there is only so much you can do without her 'permission'. Does she fully understand how much damage she is doing/ could do to herself?

You really are doing enough but it's so sad that you're the only one willing to help. Xx

 

[LJaydow]

I think she does understand and i dont think its bothering her all too much. She is very depressed and I think mentally she isnt too bothered what happens to her right now.

My heart is breaking for her - she is distraught that her mum has effectively washed her hands if her because she thinks she is 'killing herself'. What I dont want to do is do something that she will see as breaking her trust - if im the only one she is talking to and she is living with us then at least she has someone.

Im trying to see if one of her mums friends would mind talking not only to her mum but to her too

 

[louisiana]

could u try speaking to ur friends mum?
its difficult if shes not wanting to help herself,but u could just let her know some options of where she can get help.and be there for her

 

[hellohefalump]

I had terribly bad bulimia when I was a teenager. I'm afraid, that there's not a lot you can do other than try to get her to realise that there is more to life than just food, and weight. At the end of the day, if she's so deep into it that she can't recover on her own, she will need to get some proffessional help.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry. I know there must be something else deep inside going on with her it's just manifesting itself through her Bulimia, do you know of any trauma in her past? It could have even been people making fun of her or calling her names cause of her weight She needs help and she can't I don't think get over it on her own and eventually is will start to cause problems for you. Try to convince her to go for some kind of help. You are a good friend and I am glad she has you. All The Best

 

[LJaydow]

Thank you so much all of you for your supportive words

I spoke to my OH and said that I needed a friend of her mums to either talk to her or speak to her mum. He managed to get hold of her mum and her brother and they came over to see her today. After lots of tears and explaining and talking, she has agreed to follow up the appointments she has at the Dr's and to give the ED clinic a chance when she is referred. She has gone home with them tonight.

I dont know if it will all go smoothly, and i am not expecting it to be a quick resolve, but thank you for your advice.


xxxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you so much all of you for your supportive words

I spoke to my OH and said that I needed a friend of her mums to either talk to her or speak to her mum. He managed to get hold of her mum and her brother and they came over to see her today. After lots of tears and explaining and talking, she has agreed to follow up the appointments she has at the Dr's and to give the ED clinic a chance when she is referred. She has gone home with them tonight.

I dont know if it will all go smoothly, and i am not expecting it to be a quick resolve, but thank you for your advice.


xxxx

I am so happy to see your post, I pray it all works out for her. She needs people on her side right now not throwing her out or not talking to her, she needs some patience and some counseling to get to the bottom of her problem. Glad she has a friend like you

 

[jen1604]

Thank you so much all of you for your supportive words

I spoke to my OH and said that I needed a friend of her mums to either talk to her or speak to her mum. He managed to get hold of her mum and her brother and they came over to see her today. After lots of tears and explaining and talking, she has agreed to follow up the appointments she has at the Dr's and to give the ED clinic a chance when she is referred. She has gone home with them tonight.

I dont know if it will all go smoothly, and i am not expecting it to be a quick resolve, but thank you for your advice.


xxxx

Fantastic news.

Recovery is a really long and hard journey but I'm so pleased she's starting out on it

 

[LJaydow]

***UPDATE***

I saw her yesterday, as her mum had texted me saying that things were bad again.

She is still making herself sick, and is now taking laxatives too as she cannot bear the thought of any food products in her body. She said she feels physically sick at the thought of her body having to deal with food in her body. She was telling me she uses markers, brightly coloured food, to make sure that she has brought everything up, drinks gassy drinks to aid the regurgitation. As far as I know she is still bleeding in the throat, and now her nails are peeling off like paper, and her teeth are breaking and falling out. Her hair is coming out and her psoriasis has come back. She keeps making excuses to people that shes lost half a tooth or a nail on nights out, and takes laxatives at work for 'a dare'.

She spoke about the bulimia with such happiness, and said she would only stop if she got pregnant (she had a termination a couple of years ago, her mum pretty much forced her into it), as she would have to eat for the baby, stop the drink and drugs and it would be a reason for her to carry on. She also said she would only get help once hospitalised for it, and that she doesnt want to stop and only said she did to get people to back off. Apparently theres things she thinks about that she is so ashamed of and that she is still doing now that only she will ever know. I, like her, used to have a drug problem a few years back and I know that she has sold her body for money/drugs then. She is in financial difficulty at the moment because of the drugs now, and is working in a pub after her 9-5 job not only to get more money, but im pretty sure as an excuse to not go to hospital appointments.

She is taking cocaine every day, and views it the same as cigarettes now, and does it at work - that she cannot stop either. She will do it during the day on her own, just because she needs to.

Her nan died over a year and a half ago, and she would be the only one able to whip her into shape - no one else. Her mum has told her it would be best if she moved out, as she is being so disrespectful to her and her brother. Her mum doesnt know that she was buying drugs for her brother too. Apparently she started trying to make herself sick since she was about 11, but up until a couple of years ago she couldnt actually do it, she just used to heave. Now she can do it, theres no stopping her. She knows being thin hasnt made her happy but men are more interested in her now which she has always craved - i think she wants male attention and company. Her dad was associated with crack cocaine and i think got put in prison for it, but walked out on her when she was young.

She cries so much about how unhappy she is, that she doesnt see the point in talking about it - then says she doesnt need a counsellor when shes got me. She is so sad, but is so terrified of putting on weight that she wont get help. She doesnt care for what she is doing to her body and since i last posted on here its all gotten worse and she is doing her very best to hurt herself more. Its so much worse than I thought. The more i look into it online the more i see that its been around for a while. She has recurrent urinary tract infections, high blood pressure, lots of root canal treatment etc

I dont know what to do - she says shes lying so much she doesnt know what is truth anymore. How do I help her?

 

[LJaydow]

Anyone?

I dont know what to do. I want to help her so much, but im scared there is too much for me to able to deal with. My past is littered with depression, anxiety, drug abuse etc, and i am concerned that i might dig up old issues. That sounds so terribly selfish, if it were not for LO then I wouldnt think twice - ive overcome those issues once already and im sure i could do it again, but i dont want to be a bad mother to Jack by opening up old wounds. It is only for him that i am having reservations over this, and for the fact im not qualified in any way, shape of form in dealing with something this fragile and this many issues.

 

[laurajo24]

Just read your post and didn't want to read and run but honestly, I have no idea what advice to give you.

She seems intent on destroying herself and won't accept any help. When it comes down to it, I think the only way she will ever get help is if it is taken out of her hands (if she is sectioned or something) Not saying you should do that but that is the direction she is going. You said in your earlier post you were worried about finding her collapsed. I hope and pray that if that happens, someone as caring and worried as you finds her.

You are a good friend for being so concerned. But she is not your responsibility - you need to put LO first which reading your post, you obviously are. She needs professional help. Just knowing you are there for her when she is ready is fantastic.

 

[LJaydow]

I phoned social services today and spoke to the vulnerable persons section. Apparently they cannot section her as she is taking drugs daily and will not be able to get an accurate mental health assessment due to this

 

[laurajo24]

aw hun. at least you are trying.

i really hope she can get help soon. the stress can't be good for you. wish i could help more but i really don't know what i'd do in your situation!



your little boy is a cutie by the way!

 

[LJaydow]

Well - apparently she will be moving back in here again as things have taken a turn for the worse with her mum and she cannot live at home anymore.

I dont know what to think really - im glad she will be here in some respects so i can keep check on her, but in the same breath it kills me to see her like this and to have to deal with it and be her carer

Thank you, hes kinda sweet!

x

 

[LJaydow]

Well I emailed her and this is what I got in reply:

************************************************

Wow...you made me cry.

I really dont know what to say to that....thank you.

I know that sometimes it may be hard to recognise me at the moment, i am having a tough time myself every time i look in the mirror.

I hate who i have become and continue to be. I want to start again and feel like I can only start afresh once i have ended this one. I have hurt too many people this time around and i dont know how to make things right. I feel like i am finally ready to give up.

you have been a complete rock throughoout my goods and bads and for that i thank you.

Mum is not who she used to be and i am pretty sure that it is becuse of me. She lost it iinfront of Martin last night and for that i cannot forgive her. Too much has happened and i dont think that we will ever be the same again. I have to be out by next weekend.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Feltzy]

It sounds like your friend is on major self destruct mode! I had bulimia up until I was about 23 but I have been well for 4 years now. She needs some professional help asap, whether it be counselling or antidepressents. Could you tell her that if she is to stay with you then she must get some help, book an appointment at her drs and go with her to offer moral support. She's so lucky to have a good friend like you.

 

[LJaydow]

I think this might be what will have to happen - I just hope she will do it. xx