I most certainly did not
choose to FF. I planned to BF throughout pregnancy. Had a terrible labour resulting in EMCS. In recovery I think Alice was rooting when I first held but my blood pressure remained very low for a good hour afterward so I had numerous Docs and MWs around trying to get my BP up so noone could give me a hand latching on.
I had a disgusting lack of support in hospital due to understaffing and also the MWs who did help clearly didn't know what they were doing and showing my incorrect and painful ways to latch (like forcing my nipple into Alice's mouth).
Alice really struggle to latch on and I spent 3 days and 2 nights in postnatal with no sleep and dealing with trying to feed her on my own.
I remember crying on night 2 because I struggled so much trying to get her to latch, when I asked for help the MW She-Hulk came stomping in with a right sour puss on, shoved my sore nipple in her mouth and immediately stomped out after grumbling at me 'you know you can't go home until you establish BF'. She said she would be back in 10 minutes to see how I was getting on, she never came back.
That same night Alice was crying to be fed a lot and all the other mums in my room were FF and tutting because she was waking them up. All 4 of those ladies got a decent sleep that night because instead of helping me BF, they were FF the other ladies' babies.
I felt so alone that night.
Anyway so I was discharged the next day when BF hadn't been established and the MW noticed she was jaundiced. Luckily I'd been seen by a BF support lady who had shown me proper latch technique but Alice would latch still, she told me to persist.
That day Alice continued to refuse to latch and was very sleepy. I was frantic out of my mind with worry that she was sick. She went hours without feeding. DH and I looked on kellymom, I called the national BF helpline twice but nothing worked. We eventually decided to give her 1oz at about 9:30pm because I was terrified she was septic. She guzzled it down! Anyway so that night I stayed up till 4am hand expressing 7mls of colostrum. I tried cup feeding but she didn't like that so I put it in a bottle and she guzzled it. I think we also had a bit more success at latching her because she was mote alert as she had some food in her.
The MW came out the next day (and my milk had come in) and sent us straight back into hospital. Alice had lost 11.5% of her body weight and her jaundice was worse. Bloods showed her jaundice was *just* under the treatment line and she was mildly dehydrated.
They initially were going to send us home as long as Alice had a good feed off me in A&E. We tried for an hour and both DH and I say that was the worst hour of our lives. Whenever we tried to latch her on Alice would SCREAM and frantically shake her head in distress. A nurse came in to help and made it worse by trying to shove the nipple in her mouth. I was in tears, my breasts were so painful and Alice's cries pierced my heart.
Because she wouldn't feed, they admitted us and said they would give me BF support. That consisted of giving me a breast pump and telling me to get on with it. I was stuck on that pump constantly for 2 days (on the 2nd day a nurse who knew more about pumping gave me an extra pump so I could double pump) getting pitiful amouts whilst topping up because the consultant wanted her to have a certain amount of fluids each feed due to the jaundice and dehydration.
We got home eventually once she put on weigh and her jaundice levels got a bit better. I carried on pumping as if my life depended on it and trying to latch her one. She carried on refusing to latch (latch problems aren't a 'lie' as previously stated, they are extremely prevelant as evidenced on this thread and it's also discussed on kellymom and babycentre) and screaming the house down if we tried. And boy did I try and try and try.
I was falling and falling into a pit of depression over my failure to successfully BF. And when she started to refuse my EBM point blank (2oz which took me 90 long and uncomfortable minutes to express) I reached rock bottom and had to give up before I went insane.
Without telling anyone, my mum, DH, friends etc I carried on trying to get her to latch and was looking into relactating. I only stopped that last week because we weren't making any progress and Alice still got distressed at the breast. It was getting us both too stressed out.
I do feel like a failure. I couldn't go into labour naturally (was induced due to overdue and pre-eclampsia), couldn't give birth naturally (got to 36 hours and 9cm before the EMCS decision) and I couldn't feed my little girl naturally. It's shocked me how low I've felt about it. I always said when I was pregnant if I struggled I wouldn't beat myself about it but I have and still am.
I feel so guilty especially as we found out at 3 weeks Alice has a congenital heart defect and I wish I could give her milk and protect her from getting sick.
I feel guilty because I'm not the only one who had a tough time of things but others have succeeded where I haven't. I still ask could I have done more? But DH says whenever I say this to him that I tried my best and beyond my best and was driving myself into PND by doing so.
Sorry for going on. But that's my story of why I didn't choose to FF but ended up doing so.
Oh, and she also has a cows milk protein intolerance, so FF was fun, fun, fun til that was sorted when she was 5 months old
She was wrong, and I was stupid/uneducated, lol.
that's made me cry hearing about that! (bad PND day). Well done you for standing up for her 
