Getting back on antipsychotics, experiences? (very long)

[tinymumma]

I stopped taking mine before OH and I got together as my previous partner was stealing them and I couldn't renew my prescriptions and was black listed for abusing the medication.
When my current OH and I got together my psychosis all but disappeared. I began to have my own head back and I haven't had an episode in a year. I have drug and trauma induced psychosis that was hightened with PTSD from being in a DV relationship.
Now my partner and I are in an extremely difficult financial situation where we were originally staying with my mother but OH no longer wanted to. He then lost his license to DUI (drinking) and has to stay with his mother to be able to get to work. My mother lives on one side of the city, his mother, the other. So we are over two hours apart, more by public transport.
OH and I fight all the time and Leo is beginning to feel the stress and that something just isn't right. OH and I have had a lot of hurdles in our relationship. We did have our own place but got behind on the bills since his job couldn't come up with the hours, so we couldn't renew our lease. We were told this the day before our son was born.
With all the stress, anxiety, fights and trying to deal with being alone and juggling houseworl and my son, I'm close to breaking point. I can feel my mental health slipping. I cannot let myself have an episode, otherwise, legally I'm seen as an unfit mother and our son is removed from our care.
When I have an episode it can last anywhere from half an hour to a week. Basically, I pass out and that's all I remember. Then I wake up, kind of like I've had a power nap, except this isn't the case. My body walks and talks but it's not me. When I have an episode, myself and everyone else around me is in danger. I've been known to attack people, bash my head against walls, I once stabbed my ex and I even tried to put a trainees hand in the deep fryer at work. I wouldn't be able to bear waking up tied down to a hospital bed and know that my son is gone, probably my OH.
I want to get back on my antipsychotics but I don't know if they're safe as I'm ebf. If they aren't, what other ways can I try and keep myself from having an episode? It's hard to tell when I'm about to have one, sometimes it can be when I reach a certain point of any emotion, whether it be happiness or a negative emotion. Sometimes it can just happen put of the blue for no apparent reason. I have dealt with it long enough to deal with the voice. It's only one and no, it's not me. I have built myself up enough to be able to ignore what it says, although I do usually tune out of conversations or just go blank, sometimes for an hour. I can stop myself from hurting myself now but my body shows I wasn't so strong in the past. Please, what can I do?! I don't want to lose my son, my OH, or myself :'(

 

[Brightxeyes]

Can you speak to the doctor about the situation with the medication, surely they can understand an abusive ex may have stolen prescriptions.

Or even speak to your midwife/health visitor and they may help push for the medication for you.

Have you considered therapy and counselling rather than meds? And a girl I know of has accupuncture to help with migraines and her psychosis. Maybe that's worth a look into??

I understand the fear of being classed as an unfit mother, I was worried my depression alone would be considered enough to be used against me. So every time midwives n doctors have asked how I was coping not being on my meds whilst pregnant I said I was fine, despite having a number of breakdowns and massive panic attacks.
And I'm always scared that if me and my other half ever fall out, my depression is an easy thing to be used against me if we were ever to split.

I hope you get the support you need, but you need to speak to a doctor and they have a duty to help you as much as they can and point you in the right direction

 

[tinymumma]

I'm definitely open to other alternatives to medication. Antipsychotics are crazy things. They just make me numb. I don't have emotions, I basically become a zombie. Which is not good at all, especially now that I'm a mum.
I am going to the doctor, probably tomorrow and I want to get councelling and therapy just for dealing with everything else, let alone the psychosis itself. I'm just really scared....

 

[Brightxeyes]

I reckon if you get the support you need for the stresses you have going on it may make you feel better all round and not need the medication

My anti depressants made me feel like a zombie too. It's not nice. I couldn't imagine looking after a newborn whilst on them, so I'd definitely take alternative routes if you can. I'm avoiding anti depressants like the plague.

You'll be okay it is scary especially as you can't remember things that happen, but just get the help you need and you'll be fine you won't lose your baby. You're taking steps to ensure you're fit and well around your baby. That says a lot

 

[tinymumma]

Thank you That means a lot xx

 

[Linnypops]

I think if there were any chance I might have an episode like that (I'm very sorry you've had them, sounds awful) and the fact that I bf'd meant that i couldn't take medication for it i'd probably switch to formula. Is it really worth breastfeeding if there's a possibility you might harm someone, yourself, have your child taken from you? It might be for you - only you know what the chances are and can weigh it up, but from the outside it just doesn't seem worth it ....

 

[newbie1992]

I would agree with the above post, seems far more dangerous to avoid medication, imagine if you did have an episode, something awful happened, and your child was removed from your care..?

Would be much worse than just switching to formula.

I would do it for the safety of myself and my child but its your choice.

 

[purplecupcake]

What you are describing is called dissociative fugue, which is extremely rare and usually is not an ongoing problem. It is not, in itself, considered a psychosis. These episodes are not treated by antipsychotics unless they are caused by schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I think you should speak to your doctor because it doesn't sound like you were either diagnosed correctly or were not fully educated about your condition. Antidepressants may be a better avenue instead as they are more commonly used to treat PTSD and general anxiety.

I personally cannot imagine feeling comfortable taking care of my son knowing at any moment I could hurt him, either by my own hand or by leaving him alone for extended periods of time. If you are honestly at this level of mental instability where you are capable of hurting yourself and others and committing violent crimes, you need to be very closely watched by a psychiatrist, if not in an inpatient facility.

Again, another thread where you tell us how rocky your relationship with your OH. It honestly seems like he causes you a lot more issues than he does good for you.