Giving up after many years of TTC

[WinglessAngel]

I've been a member of this forum for a long while now and haven't been in in a long time though.

Hubby and I have had a talk tonight. I spent a long while crying in his arms because I just can't handle it anymore.

I spent nearly 10 years with my ex whom was abusive but thankfully we never ended up with children together. Now my relatively new husband and I have been actively trying for 3 years seriously and trying before that for nearly two, so a total of nearly 5 years.

I'm at a point where I hide all baby photos from my friends' news feeds on FB and all mention of their children. I have no doubt they are wonderful kids, they are awesome blessings but here I sit nearly 15 years in and at 34 years old and having lost many a pregnancy early on or through chemical loss already. I can't do it anymore.

We can't afford fertility treatments and doctors because I'm on Medicare and they do not cover these costs. We can't afford it to pay out of pocket, though he's offered to sell his antique boat, antique RV and antique Cadillac that he's had for decades now and I don't think it's fair to him so I've turned him down on that front. He understands that I wasn't asking him to but he was offering, I still said no. This I feel strongly about.

My ex and I are currently in a heavy court battle where I've chased him across the western half of the states via attorneys and a PI. I've had to find him three times after he's run away every time now. Between the attorneys from 2 states and me being in a third state and issues external to this court battle my mind and body cannot take it anymore. I'm fighting tooth and nail against my ex because the courts awarded me close to 35K in the original order plus interest and division of property. He now owes me around 10K more than that just in interest alone. It's been a 4 year or so battle thus far.

I have decided with my husband's blessings, that I will run out what tests I have left for my Clear Blue fertility monitor and then I need a permanent break. Or at least until I can get to a point in this court case where I either see money coming in or see my ex in jail for non payment. Either way, both options are still likely years away still yet. Even then my age is still against me even now at 34.

So the end result is my hiatus/break from trying may end up being permanent. I'm not the type of woman who just gives up. I'll sit and think and think and sit and think until I come up with a solution, it's partly because of my ways of thinking that were cemented in me from my old line of work, corporate accounting. You can't find the answer, it's there, look harder, look deeper, don't give up because you can't. I looked at TTC the same way.

In the end, I have to give up, if not for a while or permanently. I know this isn't what a lot of women on here are going to want to hear but someone has to say it I guess at some point in time. My decision is set and no amount of talking is going to change that because in the end only I know how my body works and what it needs and more importantly what my mental state needs.

Right now I need away from it all, I need to be able to get it out of my head because if I don't I'll end up crying everyday over it all.

Thanks for allowing me to vent and reading this if anyone does, sorry for the book.

 

[happymrs]

I'm so sorry, only you know how much you can take and how long you can wait. You have to put yourself first, this might seem selfish but if you don't take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically then life will never be good. You sound like you have a lovely man, just enjoy the good things as much as you can to help yourself heal.

You may find that some time down the line you feel the strength to try again and maybe nature will take over at some point. Whatever happens, put yourself first and everything else will follow.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

 

[WinglessAngel]

Thank you Happymrs. Hubby and I both agree on that. I know it's been stressful for him too. We both need away from it for a while for sure. It's never been an issue big enough to break our relationship, so far nothing has lol. We have an excellent relationship with each other but in the end it's something that has to be done and it's finally been decided. I feel we're one of the lucky minority in the fact that our marriage is so rock solid and we both feel that talking about things that bother us is important. We've had minor disagreements which we've always talked about but we've yet to ever have a full blown fight about anything. I'm thankful that our communication between each other is so solid that it prevents any of that.

My health is slowly failing as each year goes by as well. My doctor has of yet to be able to control my asthma well enough for me to go a day without an attack. The rest of my body, well, it sucks to put it plainly.

I knew this was a decision that was going to come at some point in the back of my mind the last few years and yesterday I just couldn't get it out of my head and it let loose. I had a major meltdown and fell apart yesterday evening and poor hubby picked up my pieces for me and put them back together. He always does that so well. I'm pretty strong on most fronts but I usually have a meltdown about once a year. Having PTSD on top of it all makes it harder to keep it in at times so I have my meltdowns.

But in the end if I keep going it's going to wear at me and keep wearing me down until there's nothing left. To top it off my ex whom said after 2 years of being together and telling me he wanted kids, then saying no he didn't, and see sawing back and forth on the topic for another 8 years, went and got married and had a baby with his new wife in the first 6 months they were married. Marriage was also something he used to dangle in my face also. I told hubby it's just not fair. Some people shouldn't have children and then they can all they want, and some like us, struggle and struggle and now here I sit, only to give up. My ex is an abuser in so many ways and I feel terrible for his new wife and his little boy. I wish I had the strength back then to put him in jail where he belonged rather than allowing it to continue and never reporting him. Maybe then his wife wouldn't have had to file for help against him and in the courts for domestic violence and wouldn't ever have been permanently tied to him via their child.

It's a lot to take in sorry. Anyhoo, the sentiments are truly appreciated.

 

[happymrs]

Sometimes just letting it out and venting your frustrations can help you start to move forward.

All the best.

 

[Destiny08]

So sorry. I've only been trying almost 2 years and I'm 24 and already i feel like giving up, so i can't imagine the struggle you've had.

I hope times get easier for you! And i'm glad you have the support of your husband

sending good thoughts your way.

 

[WinglessAngel]

Thank you

 

[WinglessAngel]

So an update Hubby and I quit trying. I found out 2 days ago I'm preggo again. I'm now as of today 7 days late and have an appointment with a high risk doctor on the 16th for an ultrasound and consult. We're happy but worried. I'm now on oxygen therapy for the severe asthma and was diagnosed with tachycardia and high blood pressure among other things in September or so so it's a lot to deal with. 12 more sleeps and we find out if mini me blob is doing ok. if mini me is alright then I'll start baby projects etc. Until then we're in limbo and just trying to make sure I take it easy, stay hydrated enough, no heavy lifting etc and get lots of rest.

 

[minties]

Wow that is lovely news! I am so happy for you. I hope you can get the rest your need and that you finally get your long awaited baby .

I had unprotected sex from age 15 to 28 before I finally had a child (that sounds aweful, but I was in a relationship with one person from age 15-19 then my current OH from 2001-now)

 

[WinglessAngel]

Thank you! I'm really happy. Everything points to normal and healthy pregnancy so far. But the concerns and worries are still there. 11 more sleeps and we (hopefully) get to see mini me! I was actually in a relationship for a week or so shy of 10 years with my ex before current OH. Hubby and I have been married now for a few years and I was never legally married to idiot ex. I've had 6 losses over the last 14.5 years spanning the two relationships, 4 with current 2 with ex. So I'm taking it very carefully. I do find it funny though that hubby is going to be a daddy again after 36 years if all goes well. My step son is a year older than I am lol! I have 2 grandsons too by marriage. I'm now 35 and hubby is 62.

 

[helloeveryone]

Congratulations ,,,hope your next scan goes well, it is nice to see a good update.xxx

 

[WinglessAngel]

Thank you! I wanted to give an update since I had posted this thread out there. We're really happy!

 

[ThiaC]

Hi WinglessAngel, I wish the best for your pregnancy!

On psyc&*@$#ic violent exes... I had one, and I get you. I feel that I should be doing more to put him behind bars, but at the same time I just want to forget it all.

LEAVE IT. It's not your responsibility. Just focus on your health, relationship, your life.

I don't know where he is, with whom, does he have kids. I've had lots of mcs, and like you said, PTSD sucks ass, it never totally leaves you.

The best revenge, is to live a happy life, like the intelligent incredible woman you are
Just by being alive, you are affecting me, and others, in positive ways! The world is a better place because of your existence.

 

[WinglessAngel]

Yes it does and I appreciate the kind words! Unfortunately (I forgot to update here) I lost mini me on the 8th. I go in for more testing tomorrow and find out the results of my blood test to find out if I have a blood clotting disorder also. I'm hoping and praying it's just a simple problem that has been overlooked and can be readily fixed. This is my third MC and the doctors are finally taking notice and saying it's a medical issue and not a fertility issue to get the insurance to cover my testing and medical needs.

 

[ThiaC]

I'm so sorry,
hoping that it's something clear and fixable!

My docs found no problems in me after 5 mcs, so I did a "health recovery plan" for 3 months, now trying again, now on first month.. No idea if this will stick...

Let's keep positive, most women get a sticky one sooner or later! It only needs to go well that once