On the 16th December 2010 I got a very faint positive.
I posted about this, and later that week had a blood test done. My pregnancy tests were fading but my blood test was a strong positive.
My Dr warned me that the worst could happen, and to prepare myself, but made me an appointment for a week's time to check ym blood levels again.
My next blood test was fine, and a POAS test was a strong positive too.
By this time I was almost 7 weeks along.
Everything was fine from then on, and I went to my 12 week scan (12 wk 3 days) with mixed emotions, preparing myself for the worst.
Baby was perfect, and everything was ok.
I went home ecstatic and so excited that this could finally be the one.
At 16 weeks I had another scan, because I was now in the high risk category (my Dr put me there herself to make sure I got extra scans). Everything was still fine and I couldn't of been happier.
I had my gender scan at 20 weeks 2 days. My little girl, Marley, was contently sucking on her thumb and as the sonographer said, "very stubborn to work with". Just like her mother.
All went downhill on the 14th April.
My waters ruptured, and after being rushed to A+E and checked over, the Dr's decided I hadn't lost enough fluid to threaten Marley, and after a quick scan, all was ok. They kept me in a couple of days just to check me over, and gave me antibiotics to prevent infection.
On 17th April, a mere few hours after returning home from my stay, my waters broke fully. I started having contractions.
I knew this was it.
I decided not to ring an ambulance, as I wanted this to be as nature intended, and to spend some time with Marley before she was taken away.
My labour wasn't long, only 5 hours. And it wasn't painful. I was too emotionally numb to feel any physical pain.
At 6:46pm, Marley came into the world sleeping. At 7:22, I passed the placenta.
We cleaned up Marley and wrapped her in a blanket. We spent some time cuddling her and taking in her beautiful features before we called the hospital.
At around 8:30, they took her away.
I was kept in, scanned and checked over, just to make sure everything was ok with me, and the next morning Marley was brought to me in a tiny casket, with a tiny babygrow. They gave me 2 teeny little teddies, which said "for tiny hands to hold" on them. I'm keeping one, the other was buried with her.
On the 21st April we buried Marley, with some photo's of mummy and daddy, grandma, and a lock of our dog's fur, because he didn't leave my side the whole time I was pregnant. He knew before I did, and I know he'd give his life to protect our little one if she was with us.
The pain I'm feeling can't be described.
I feel like if there is a God, I am his plaything. something to tease and taunt with something i woould give anything for, and then just take it away.
I have given up with my ttc journey.
I can't deal with this pain again. i can't begin to think what i'd do if this happened again.
Everyone keeps saying it'll happen, and that things are improving that can help me, but i dont want that risk.
I cant function anymore.
and it feels like no one understands.
I posted about this, and later that week had a blood test done. My pregnancy tests were fading but my blood test was a strong positive.
My Dr warned me that the worst could happen, and to prepare myself, but made me an appointment for a week's time to check ym blood levels again.
My next blood test was fine, and a POAS test was a strong positive too.
By this time I was almost 7 weeks along.
Everything was fine from then on, and I went to my 12 week scan (12 wk 3 days) with mixed emotions, preparing myself for the worst.
Baby was perfect, and everything was ok.
I went home ecstatic and so excited that this could finally be the one.
At 16 weeks I had another scan, because I was now in the high risk category (my Dr put me there herself to make sure I got extra scans). Everything was still fine and I couldn't of been happier.
I had my gender scan at 20 weeks 2 days. My little girl, Marley, was contently sucking on her thumb and as the sonographer said, "very stubborn to work with". Just like her mother.
All went downhill on the 14th April.
My waters ruptured, and after being rushed to A+E and checked over, the Dr's decided I hadn't lost enough fluid to threaten Marley, and after a quick scan, all was ok. They kept me in a couple of days just to check me over, and gave me antibiotics to prevent infection.
On 17th April, a mere few hours after returning home from my stay, my waters broke fully. I started having contractions.
I knew this was it.
I decided not to ring an ambulance, as I wanted this to be as nature intended, and to spend some time with Marley before she was taken away.
My labour wasn't long, only 5 hours. And it wasn't painful. I was too emotionally numb to feel any physical pain.
At 6:46pm, Marley came into the world sleeping. At 7:22, I passed the placenta.
We cleaned up Marley and wrapped her in a blanket. We spent some time cuddling her and taking in her beautiful features before we called the hospital.
At around 8:30, they took her away.
I was kept in, scanned and checked over, just to make sure everything was ok with me, and the next morning Marley was brought to me in a tiny casket, with a tiny babygrow. They gave me 2 teeny little teddies, which said "for tiny hands to hold" on them. I'm keeping one, the other was buried with her.
On the 21st April we buried Marley, with some photo's of mummy and daddy, grandma, and a lock of our dog's fur, because he didn't leave my side the whole time I was pregnant. He knew before I did, and I know he'd give his life to protect our little one if she was with us.
The pain I'm feeling can't be described.
I feel like if there is a God, I am his plaything. something to tease and taunt with something i woould give anything for, and then just take it away.
I have given up with my ttc journey.
I can't deal with this pain again. i can't begin to think what i'd do if this happened again.
Everyone keeps saying it'll happen, and that things are improving that can help me, but i dont want that risk.
I cant function anymore.
and it feels like no one understands.
you have been thru a terrible ordeal!! 
