Grandmother and crib, pls advise

[Rachel89]

Dear mommy's,


My mil and I have a strained relationship. I do my best though and am nice to her, but I also do not pretend that we are besties.

I start with this so you guys have a tiny idea of the nature of our relationship. I do not tell her anything as to not strain it, so if something is up OH talks to her.

So I do attachment parenting, and with my son I also did a lot of holding. Yes, barely ever put him down, he did have colic as well though. But I love thecloseness and the bond, especially for breastfeeding even more so that I have a low supply due to breast reduction.


Mil doesn't understand the holding the baby thing, and believes in putting baby down as soon as they are fed etc. so to her it is very odd.


Before baby was born, she told my OH that she wants to purchase a crib for when baby is there. OH knows well that baby will not be going there for babysitting, as I am a SAHM. And DS went there when he was 18 months for babysitting and that was maybe 1 every two months.


So I told him to tell her not to purchase a crib as when we visit I sill not be putting baby down. It is not my parenting style, and not necessary during a 30-60 minute visit.

So he tells his mom all this and now baby was born at 4 weeks early. and she bought the crib anyway.


Keep in mimd that MIL lives right down the street too. Tomorrow we will be going and she said she will be disinfecting the crib. Baby just turned two weeks old and am not going to put baby down while there. Baby was in the hospital for jaundice and being late premature and I was deprived of baby for a week and missed out on a lot of bonding time so no way.

How would you guys handle this?

 

[Shandelion]

Simply explain that you said you wouldn't use it and will not do so now. I had to do that a lot as my family is strongly against attachment parenting. Draw the line and hold it to prevent future problems.

 

[staralfur]

Just don't put the baby down. The crib being there doesn't mean you have to. If she tries to push it then kindly remind her that you've already said it wouldn't get much use. Could be that she just wants to have something for the baby at her place. Unless it becomes an issue where she's pestering you to put your LO down there then I'd just ignore it.

 

[laura109]

Bless you! The joys of others trying to take over eh?

I also have a mum who believes they need to be put down or they will become clingy beings! I found it annoying when my dd was born as my sisters also gave me the dont hold them all the time. I used to take naps with my lg on the sofa with her on top of my chest and i let her lay on the bed with me. Shes now almost 11 months and shes happy playing on the floor and has never been clingy or cried when i leave her! So there theory was not proven to be correct.

Just start as you mean to go on and hopefully your oh will back you up. Its a horrible situation to be in. People really need to back off. I think they enjoy having a baby in the family again and they want to mother it themselves abit. My oh mum does not really get involved with our dd as she is all for his sister and her baby. Hope your mil lets you do things your way xx

 

[noon_child]

I don't think you need to handle this at all, there is nothing to "handle". You told her not to bother but she made the decision to buy one anyway and she made the decision to clean it. All choices an adult can make, but they don't affect your choices. Just hold the baby!

IF she brings it up "If you want to put her down I've made the crib ready" or whatever. Just say "Thanks, I'm alright at the moment" and just hold the baby.

There is no need to criticise her decisions, get on the defensive or launch in to a lecture unless she actually attacks your parenting.

Because you disagree about a lot of stuff, you view her actions as passive aggressive judgements about your choices (which they may well be, but it doesn't matter because she is just a bystander). However maybe she just thought it would be a nice thing to do, a normal thing, for a grandmother to prepare a place for her grandchild to sleep IF NEEDED. All she has really done is given you an extra choice (for the future as well as now) which, because it is a choice, you don't need to take.

In short, I just think you carry on enjoying holding your baby!

 

[laura109]

I think the op is saying her mil does not believe in that kind of parenting where you wear the baby close to you etc. she feels like her mil is going to try control the situation and say put the baby down if you hold her all the time she will become clingy etc. i think shes being helpful to get the baby a cot but people shpuld not tell you how long you shpuld hold your newborn. I understand where shes coming from. She does not want to be made to parent how she does not want

 

[Rainbow82]

I don't think you need to handle the situation at all you said a visit is only 49-60 mins if she asks if you'd like to put baby down just say no you are fine I doubt she would press the issue but if she does just explain that you want to have as many cuddles as you can after being separated for a week. One of my favourite things to say to all the people who like to say things like I'm making a rod for my own back etc is that no gravestone says I wish I'd cuddled my children less but plenty of people say they wish they'd cuddled them more while they were babies.

 

[Indi84]

Why don't you just ask your mil to cuddle the baby instead of putting him down? Then she can choose, you hold baby, she holds baby as long as someone does.
I don't often put mine down as he had silent reflux, I wear him in a sling most the day but when I visit my mil she loves cuddling and holding him. I love having him close but dh often wears him for his at a time on the weekend, I'm hoping mil will try the carrier too!

 

[Larkspur]

I think the op is saying her mil does not believe in that kind of parenting where you wear the baby close to you etc. she feels like her mil is going to try control the situation and say put the baby down if you hold her all the time she will become clingy etc. i think shes being helpful to get the baby a cot but people shpuld not tell you how long you shpuld hold your newborn. I understand where shes coming from. She does not want to be made to parent how she does not want

Yes, I think everyone understands that's what she's concerned about, but at this stage, the MIL has not actually tried to force her to do anything, or even said anything in particular to her. There's no point worrying or working herself up over something that may prove to be very simple to handle.

Nobody can make you parent in a way you don't want to parent. It is as simple as politely saying, "No thank you, this is the way I prefer to do things."

 

[hanni]

Just say "no thanks" and don't put baby down. Her waste of money, you told her not to!

My MIL is like this, she bought a potty for my son when I was about 30 minutes pregnant and everytime we go she bangs on about potty training him and asks if she should get it out. I just say no, that's not what we're doing and leave it at that.

 

[Rachel89]

I think the op is saying her mil does not believe in that kind of parenting where you wear the baby close to you etc. she feels like her mil is going to try control the situation and say put the baby down if you hold her all the time she will become clingy etc. i think shes being helpful to get the baby a cot but people shpuld not tell you how long you shpuld hold your newborn. I understand where shes coming from. She does not want to be made to parent how she does not want

Yes, I think everyone understands that's what she's concerned about, but at this stage, the MIL has not actually tried to force her to do anything, or even said anything in particular to her. There's no point worrying or working herself up over something that may prove to be very simple to handle.


Nobody can make you parent in a way you don't want to parent. It is as simple as politely saying, "No thank you, this is the way I prefer to do things."

Actually the reason I am is because we asked her notto buy it and explained why and she bought it anyways. This is the reason. And she wants me to put the baby in it to see how she fits in it, today.

 

[Larkspur]

I think the op is saying her mil does not believe in that kind of parenting where you wear the baby close to you etc. she feels like her mil is going to try control the situation and say put the baby down if you hold her all the time she will become clingy etc. i think shes being helpful to get the baby a cot but people shpuld not tell you how long you shpuld hold your newborn. I understand where shes coming from. She does not want to be made to parent how she does not want

Yes, I think everyone understands that's what she's concerned about, but at this stage, the MIL has not actually tried to force her to do anything, or even said anything in particular to her. There's no point worrying or working herself up over something that may prove to be very simple to handle.


Nobody can make you parent in a way you don't want to parent. It is as simple as politely saying, "No thank you, this is the way I prefer to do things."

Actually the reason I am is because we asked her notto buy it and explained why and she bought it anyways. This is the reason. And she wants me to put the baby in it to see how she fits in it, today.

So just say, "I'm sure she would fit fine, she's a baby, but we're not planning on using a crib."

I mean, you told her not to buy a crib and she did anyway, so if you just put your foot down, it's her problem. It's not like she is going to snatch your baby out of your arms and force her into the cot, is it? And if she put her in the crib while she was holding her, just pick her up.

If my MIL had, say, bought formula, when she was fully aware I was breastfeeding, I would have thought it was a dumb and pointless thing for her to do, but it wouldn't especially worry me, because it's not like she could use it without my permission.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am married 25 years have 3 sons..Please choose your battles well.. This is really NOT a big deal, I know it may feel like one, but trust me it isn't... I am a good daughter in law and I just pray I get one out of 3..Grandmas get excited and want to help, that is all it is... I figure since I am a really good DIL that I will be blessed with one.....Good Luck

 

[lau86]

I personally don't think she should've bought a crib if you told her you wouldn't be using it, what's that if not undermining you? It's hard to just get over it like the others are saying as we are a bit sensitive and hormonal after having a new baby.
If it was me and she asked me to put baby in the crib to see if it fits (how ridiculous!) I would just politely say 'she is settled and I don't want to upset her' or something to that effect. She will soon get the message and if she tries to be so arrogant as to make out she knows best she is just going to look stoopid

 

[Scout]

Don't really know why this would be an issue. MIL bought something with her money that's staying in her own house; you don't have to use it. I'd only have an issue if she tried bringing it to my house. If she asks you to put dd in it, you can politely refuse. She can't make you use it. And she may have bought it as a 'just in case' type thing. What if something happened and you needed to leave dd with her? I'm a SAHM too, but my mom bought a pack n play, just in case I ever needed to leave dd with her, not that she expected me to use it when I was over visiting.

 

[staralfur]

I think the op is saying her mil does not believe in that kind of parenting where you wear the baby close to you etc. she feels like her mil is going to try control the situation and say put the baby down if you hold her all the time she will become clingy etc. i think shes being helpful to get the baby a cot but people shpuld not tell you how long you shpuld hold your newborn. I understand where shes coming from. She does not want to be made to parent how she does not want

Yes, I think everyone understands that's what she's concerned about, but at this stage, the MIL has not actually tried to force her to do anything, or even said anything in particular to her. There's no point worrying or working herself up over something that may prove to be very simple to handle.


Nobody can make you parent in a way you don't want to parent. It is as simple as politely saying, "No thank you, this is the way I prefer to do things."

Actually the reason I am is because we asked her notto buy it and explained why and she bought it anyways. This is the reason. And she wants me to put the baby in it to see how she fits in it, today.

We told my MIL we were cosleeping and she bought a crib anyway. She also lived 4 hours away and we visited all of like 5 times before she was in a toddler bed. Never used the crib and I think she knew it wouldn't get much if any use but she wanted one because she was excited about her grandchild and wanted to have stuff at her place for her.

I don't really see the harm in putting the baby down for 5 seconds to humour her. She can't exactly force you to put your LO in there for any extended period of time. Put her in the crib, say "yep, my small infant does in fact fit in this crib", pick her up and then you're done with it.

I'm no stranger to MILs pushing their opinions but I agree that this isn't a battle I would personally choose to fight, unless of course she grabs your LO out of your arms and shoves her into it.

 

[lau86]

It sounds like op feels pressurised by her MiL... My MIL, well she wouldn't do this but if she did I would humour her too and 'try' the baby in the crib. I remember my mother in law saying she didn't want to breastfeed hers and feeling very offended as I was a new mum trying to succeed bfing. The way she said it was like bfing was dirty. Yes it was irrational of me to be annoyed but also she didn't need to say it? Like, not sure why the MIL needs to push the issue of the crib, it sounds like a power battle, why is MIl doing this if it's not her baby? It's not a mother in law issue it's about their relationship.

 

[Rachel89]

Don't really know why this would be an issue. MIL bought something with her money that's staying in her own house; you don't have to use it. I'd only have an issue if she tried bringing it to my house. If she asks you to put dd in it, you can politely refuse. She can't make you use it. And she may have bought it as a 'just in case' type thing. What if something happened and you needed to leave dd with her? I'm a SAHM too, but my mom bought a pack n play, just in case I ever needed to leave dd with her, not that she expected me to use it when I was over visiting.

She explicitely said she wanted us to use it,and when we said we were coming over she said right away she will be putting it out. And also told us how we cannot be holding the baby every second as we have a toddler (and we babywear). Whenever we explain she dismisses that it is impossible we won't be using it.


She insists on putting it out for every time we come over.

Edit: i see everybody's point of view and do agree. It isabout her undermining me as she has before (on a bigger scale than this though). And it just makes me feel so pressured to use it. I know it is her problem, her money, but she keeps mentioning it, and saying we will use it etc. let's see how she fits in it, knowing how we feel about it.

 

[Shandelion]

She explicitely said she wanted us to use it,and when we said we were coming over she said right away she will be putting it out. And also told us how we cannot be holding the baby every second as we have a toddler (and we babywear). Whenever we explain she dismisses that it is impossible we won't be using it.


She insists on putting it out for every time we come over.

Edit: i see everybody's point of view and do agree. It isabout her undermining me as she has before (on a bigger scale than this though). And it just makes me feel so pressured to use it. I know it is her problem, her money, but she keeps mentioning it, and saying we will use it etc. let's see how she fits in it, knowing how we feel about it.

How did today go?

I know well how it feels to be so pressured. My grandma was really upset that I wouldn't keep my son in the electric swing she bought, in front of the tv. I just kept carrying him and holding him. I had kept telling her I wouldn't use it, but she bought it anyway. Let me know how hard she looked for it, all the time.

 

[sethsmummy]

i would honestly just have to put her in her place. Im sorry all those saying its not an issue.. it is because it will only get worse and worse. if she mentions the crib again before or while you are there politely say "we have already told you we will not be putting the baby down in a crib. I am sorry you went and spent money on one but i will not be using it. Thank you for the kind gesture though".