Had a break down today

[schmetterling]

Hey ladies,

So I found out I was pregnant last Friday. To be honest, I still don't actually believe I'm pregnant. I'm not sure why but it just doesn't feel real. We got pregnant our first cycle trying and I am currently still breastfeeding my 20 month old. I think I was just expecting it to take a lot longer so it came as such a shock! I know I will be thrilled when it sinks in...we wanted to get pregnant so bad!

Anyway, we are planning a home birth this time and we had a meeting with a potential midwife today. We hit it off instantly and I absolutely love her. Then about 10 minutes in she asked when my due date is again (I guess she thought I was further along than I am) and when I told her it was at the end of August she said she couldn't take me because she just found out she is pregnant and is due 2 days before me. I don't know why it hurt so bad, but I was devastated. We stayed talking with her for an hour with just made it worse because I really think she is perfect for us and I'm so disappointed. I actually just had this great feeling before we went to the meeting that we were going to love her and not interview anyone else. Sigh. She gave us some recommendations (including the midwife she is going to use...which is a little risky because we are due at the same time) but I just feel so lost and like I don't know what to do. I mean, obviously I do. We will interview more midwives and hopefully find one we love as much. But I'm scared we won't. And I'm scared because I don't feel pregnant. And I'm scared that my progesterone (which I asked her to check since I'm breastfeeding and my daughter came a month early) will be low. And I'm scared of the risk of having another preemie and having to do another NICU stay. I know early pregnancy hormones are playing a role in this, but I just feel so lost. All I want to do is be excited about the sweet little sprout growing in me, but I feel completely overwhelmed. And it doesn't help my stress level that the holidays are around the corner.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm sure things will work out for the best, it's just hard to see that right now.

Hope you all are having a great day! Thanks for reading and as always, for being such a supportive group!

 

[Tjkitty]

Big hugs!

 

[kimberleyrobx]

Hugs all round! xx

 

[dan-o]

Aww what a shame, hopefully the other lady will be just as good. You're so lucky, wish I was allowed a homebirth.

I am also breastfeeding and pregnant, no idea what to expect, in that respect! (My LO is 8m) How does it affect progesterone? I've not had betas done this time so I don't know what my P4 level is, or if its low/high or what!

 

[schmetterling]

Thank you so much ladies! Just needed to get it off my chest. I am still really overwhelmed mostly just because the holidays are next week and I still haven't interviewed any other midwives. I made an appt with one who is 40 minutes away for Monday but the other ones haven't called back. It sucks because there are, from what I can tell, 4 really good and experienced home birth midwives in the area. One is due at the same time I am, the other is her midwife so may be at her birth, the third is on maternity leave and the fourth is the one we are meeting Monday who lives 40 minutes away. There are a few others we need to talk to but they aren't as experienced. I'm sure it will work out though and be great, I just need to set up meetings with all of them and pick the one we are most comfortable with.

dan-o: Breastfeeding doesn't usually affect progesterone noticeably in pregnancy, meaning normally things are perfectly healthy and normal while breastfeeding. But prolactin (the hormone responsible for making milk) can decrease progesterone a little bit and since I have a history of premature labor they think one possibility is that my progesterone became too low (though I was not breastfeeding at the time). Anyway, I'm sure it will be fine but I wanted it checked just for my peace of mind.

 

[EarthMama]

Aw big hugs! I can relate to your post a lot. I am also breastfeeding my 22 month old and I wanted to be pregnant again soo bad! I've had two losses this year and all I want is my rainbow baby!! So bad!

But I'm starting to feel anxious thinking about this pregnancy working out and me ending up with another newborn! eeek! Things seem to be going better with this pregnancy so I'm definitely getting slammed with the reality check of having another baby to care for in August...and it freaks me out! I'm so tired right now and just feel pretty run down and lousy and barely keeping up with my son so I wonder how I will handle another? Oy, it's a lot to take in! I also can't believe I am pregnant again although I wanted to be soo badly.

I hope you find another midwife you gell with! On the flip side maybe you and that pregnant midwife can be mommy friends since you hit it off so well and your babies will be so close together in age.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing in regards to midwife or even when it is time to look for one.

 

[schmetterling]

Aw big hugs! I can relate to your post a lot. I am also breastfeeding my 22 month old and I wanted to be pregnant again soo bad! I've had two losses this year and all I want is my rainbow baby!! So bad!

But I'm starting to feel anxious thinking about this pregnancy working out and me ending up with another newborn! eeek! Things seem to be going better with this pregnancy so I'm definitely getting slammed with the reality check of having another baby to care for in August...and it freaks me out! I'm so tired right now and just feel pretty run down and lousy and barely keeping up with my son so I wonder how I will handle another? Oy, it's a lot to take in! I also can't believe I am pregnant again although I wanted to be soo badly.

I hope you find another midwife you gell with! On the flip side maybe you and that pregnant midwife can be mommy friends since you hit it off so well and your babies will be so close together in age.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing in regards to midwife or even when it is time to look for one.

Wow, EarthMama -- we are in a similar situation!! I am due in August as well with this little one, so our kiddos will have almost the exact spacing! I'm also really nervous about having a newborn and toddler. I mean, my daughter LOVES babies but she also loves having all the attention to I'm concerned about that. I'm hoping she'll just enjoy helping me with the baby. I'm also hoping she won't wean so that she can enjoy a nursing relationship with me still after the baby is born. My milk supply has already drastically decreased and she's getting frustrated, but hopefully she'll hold onto her nap time and morning time nursing sessions at least. I'm also dealing with guilt over not feeling pregnant. I was so excited with my daughter and this time I just don't feel much. But honestly I'm sure it's because for whatever reason I don't really believe I'm pregnant. I haven't had any symptoms, breastfeeding doesn't hurt and beyond the positive pregnancy test and lack of period, I wouldn't ever guess I was pregnant! I did have my progesterone checked on Thursday with that wonderful midwife I saw and I'll be getting those results soon. I think that will reassure me that I'm actually pregnant and things are ok. I'm sorry you are feeling anxious! I think it's completely natural. The thought of having 2 kids can seem overwhelming especially on days that it's difficult to take care of one. The thing that helps me is knowing that millions of moms have done this before me and all ended up getting through, so I know I will too! And we want a big family anyway so I guess this is just the beginning, lol. Hope you have a very happy and healthy pregnancy!!

Anyway, I have 2 midwife appointments set up now for next week and hoping to set up a couple more as well. I didn't connect with either on the phone but I'm hoping I will in person! Do you know where you want to give birth? It's certainly overwhelming finding the best option! Sometimes I think I should just go back to my midwife I had with my daughter who I absolutely adore but I really want a home birth so we'll continue the search!

 

[schmetterling]

Also I'm so sorry about your losses! *Hugs*