Half-sibling from estranged father...

[ClairAye]

Hi, all!

I've been trying to figure this out since my ex had another child last year but I do not know how to tell my kids!

They are 5 and 3.5 and I have no idea how to do it. I don't believe there is a chance of them being involved with each other. I don't want to tell them when they are older and have them mad at me but I don't want to tell them now as my eldest likes babies and my youngest really wants a little sibling but I don't want to hide him from them and have them find out on Long Lost Families in their 40's!

Has anyone been in this situation? I'd love to know how you handled it. Thanks!

 

[rose_heart85]

Hi. Have you spoken to your ex about telling your kids they have a sibling? If you do tell them, I would keep it simple, that they have a brother or sister with a different mommy. There could be follow-up questions quickly from them or possibly with time. I think it’s great that you want to share this information with them instead of them finding out later in life.

 

[ClairAye]

Hi. Have you spoken to your ex about telling your kids they have a sibling? If you do tell them, I would keep it simple, that they have a brother or sister with a different mommy. There could be follow-up questions quickly from them or possibly with time. I think it’s great that you want to share this information with them instead of them finding out later in life.

Thanks for the reply! No, I haven't heard from him in almost 3 years so that is where it gets hard, the kids do not know their dad nor have any memory of him so it's having to drag up both of these things at once.

 

[rose_heart85]

Hi. Have you spoken to your ex about telling your kids they have a sibling? If you do tell them, I would keep it simple, that they have a brother or sister with a different mommy. There could be follow-up questions quickly from them or possibly with time. I think it’s great that you want to share this information with them instead of them finding out later in life.

Thanks for the reply! No, I haven't heard from him in almost 3 years so that is where it gets hard, the kids do not know their dad nor have any memory of him so it's having to drag up both of these things at once.

Do they ever ask about their dad?

 

[ClairAye]

No, my son has seen baby photos with him and he's been brought up briefly but nothing extensive. I guess when he does ask I could mention it then?

 

[MindUtopia]

This is only coming more from the experience of being a child in that situation (though a slightly different one), but I think I personally would leave it until he's older and starts to ask questions. I have a half-brother who I barely knew as a child (and have only seen a few times as an adult like 15 years ago). I wasn't especially interested in knowing anything about him anyway and the difference was my dad wasn't involved in his life either. I think if that hadn't been the case and my dad had a relationship with him but not much with me, I would have been really hurt. I think it's likely to be a painful thing to digest either way, but I think I would leave it until they're older and it comes up in conversation and they want to know. My mum generally did a good job of shielding me from the hurt and the drama and I think that was probably the best thing to do.

I do have a friend who is in a similar situation though and she's doing the same. Her daughter is the same age as mine and her dad left when she was pregnant and has never met her. He met and married someone else a few months later and then now have two children. My friend's daughter knows nothing about him and doesn't know that she has two half-siblings. She has no intention of lying about, but for now, the question hasn't come up and I think if it did, she'd divert from it for now as she's still a little too young to understand how adults can make such frankly immature and hurtful choices.

 

[Wobbles]

I take it Dad doesn't see his 2 children with you? I'm just wondering how they don't know about it ...

It sounds like it's best left alone at this time and you will know in the future when and if it's time to tell them x

 

[oliv]

I can only share my experience and its a little different from yours.

My mam and dad split when I was 3. I seen my dad every Sunday and when I was 7 I found out I had a half brother who was 2!! My dad never told any of us (4 kids), my cousins all knew and my mam found out two months before we did and begged my dad to tell his but he told her to mind her own business.

I was heartbroken! But at that point I had a relationship with my dad (we don't talk now). I in no way blamed my mam, it wasn't her job to tell us it was his!

As you said your kids don't know him so are less likely to be upset by it. I would tell them in passing and just deal with any questions they have.

 

[ClairAye]

Thanks for all the replies! There has been no contact from him in 3 years, that is why they don't know. I know someone who found out in their 20s that their mother who raised them had had two children about 30 years prior, they weren't mad at their mother but it was a huge blow. I know it's not the same as this is a guy they don't know but I just don't know the best time to do it still, it's a pretty big thing but if I tell them now once they probably will not remember.

Thanks again fir the advice!

 

[Scout]

I know this thread is a bit old, but I'm in the same boat. DD is 4 and has never met her dad. He had a son with someone else before I had daughter. He sees this son occasionally (or did when I was seeing him), and now since me he's had another daughter with someone else. He left this woman before the child was born, but was there for the birth and I think has seen this child (child is less than a year). It's so hard to know what to say and when.

 

[babyv13]

i'm in a similar position! FOB has an older daughter (7) that he has never met and i was hoping that questions would have come up by now so that i could casually tell my DD that she has a half-sibling. i don't want it to be a big announcement or drama one day. plus i cannot rely on FOB to take responsibility for it because he never has and never will his other daughter's mum got in touch with me about a year ago as she wanted me to introduce DD to her daughter but i don't feel it's the right time yet given how complicated a situation it is and how young my DD is. i'm hoping that i will find an opportunity to tell DD naturally and then when she's older she can decide if she wants to meet her half-sibling, which i assume i'll have to facilitate.

it's a toughie isn't it!

 

[ClairAye]

i'm in a similar position! FOB has an older daughter (7) that he has never met and i was hoping that questions would have come up by now so that i could casually tell my DD that she has a half-sibling. i don't want it to be a big announcement or drama one day. plus i cannot rely on FOB to take responsibility for it because he never has and never will his other daughter's mum got in touch with me about a year ago as she wanted me to introduce DD to her daughter but i don't feel it's the right time yet given how complicated a situation it is and how young my DD is. i'm hoping that i will find an opportunity to tell DD naturally and then when she's older she can decide if she wants to meet her half-sibling, which i assume i'll have to facilitate.

it's a toughie isn't it!

It really is! I have been told since that he's done the same to his youngest as he did to our children but I cannot confirm so who knows what the situation will be.

I would love the three of them to have a relationship one day when they are still young so it's not a huge surprise but I don't know. It really is such a tough situation!

 

[Shezza84uk]

I have half siblings I’ve never met but my dad told me about them and sent me photos of them I plan to meet them next year because they live in the states, I have a few family members with similar situations and where the father wasn’t involved the mums came together and built a relationship with the siblings. It’s so lovely to watch despite the absent father, I would tell them or reach out to the mother and see if they would like the kids to be in each other’s lives.


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