Harder time bonding with 2nd baby...

[MyFavSurprise]

I never expected to feel the way i do.. But this time around I just don't feel connected like I did the first time. I love both of my boys of course, but sometimes I don't even feel like Koah is mine, I don't understand what is so different.. He's almost 11 weeks now and I am just starting to look at him as my own..it feels so unfair, to both of us.

My husband and I wanted to have a baby so badly and were so excited.. we have a 4 year old that was my first from a different father (who I was not with and he never met my son) and we wanted another, we want a big family, we're looking at having at least 4 kids..

Anyway, I guess I had a somewhat difficult pregnancy, but I had the medication free birth that I was hoping for and it was incredible (I say now, at the time..ouch) and they put him on my chest all gross and covered with meconium and I was just saying "that's our baby that's our baby" over and over..but it turned out that he aspirated some of the meconium causing a pneumothorax and right away they took him to the NICU because he was grunting. My husband sent me a picture from the NICU and I felt like I was looking at somebody else's baby. I ended up having a slow hemorrhage so it was so long before i finally got to go see him.

Holding him, I didn't feel that connection, with my first I felt like I could feel my heart split as he took a piece.. I wanted that so badly this time too.

He was only in the NICU for 3 days and we went home together. My mother in law, who has the best intentions, kept wanting to hold him in the other room and I felt like I couldn't tell her no, but my heart broke each time she held him or tried to fix his crying. I'm his mother, I needed to do that. I kept crying and crying every time he was away from me, I felt like I needed to be alone with him. I wanted to be alone with him and just look at him and cry. I don't know how to explain. Then he ended up in the NICU again for 3 days, but I barely left his side.. I felt happy that I was able to get time with him alone.

I finally told my husband all of this the other day and I think that's when I finally started to heal. It's like logically I know that I love him, but I couldn't feel it. My husband wanted to make sure I don't feel like hurting him, which I never have and couldn't imagine.. but maybe it is postpartum depression somehow. I don't feel like hurting him but I have thought that maybe they'd all be better off without me, either by just driving away one day, or the other option. I am normally such a loving mother, I feel like my kids are little pieces of my heart..so none of this makes any sense to me.. I hope maybe somebody else can relate, it's hard and scary to even admit that I've felt this way.

This is my boy.
https://i68.tinypic.com/if3p1k.jpg
https://i65.tinypic.com/2iic2dv.jpg
https://i68.tinypic.com/259bkfk.jpg

And us
https://i64.tinypic.com/fvie81.jpg

 

[donnarobinson]

He's beautiful Hun congratulations
I haven't got any advice really but wanted to send hugs
I think after a difficult start birth etc and him being nicu it must be difficult your a great mom x

 

[Cjayne]

I felt like this.

DS1 was the apple of my eye and we stayed in the hospital for a week after he was born as he was poorly. I had an easy pregnancy until the end.

DS2 - I had a terrible pregnancy. I was in hospital for 1/3 of it - in agony the rest. I refused to name him while I was pregnant as I was so terrified that he'd be poorly like DS1 and I was afraid to bond. When he was born he was taken to the NICU for a week and due to my own health issues I was only allowed there a few hours a day.

About a month after he was born I finally admitted aloud that I had issues bonding with him. He was the best baby in the world- has always slept, always ate loads - and laughed since being a couple weeks old (Laughs at everything) Hes so amazing, so laid back... Everyone that meets him says how they've never met a baby like him.

It took me admitting it aloud to realise how stupid and selfish I was being. It took for him to be poorly at about 4 weeks old for me to see how much he needed me. Until then I had been afraid that he would ruin my relationship with DS1 - but from this point I saw that their relationship was growing and it was amazing.

DS2 turns 1 in a couple weeks and now they are both exactly the same in my eyes. Such different little boys, but both my number one. I feel terribly guilty and cried often, but I think it was my terrible pregnancy and the NICU experience that got us off to a rocky start - perhaps with a dose of depression xxxx

IF you need to talk - PM me

 

[Taurus8484]

No advice either but he is just gorgeous....xx

 

[SarahBear]

It sounds like a rough start and some post partum depression. I would seek help for the PPD and move forward from there.

 

[frangi33]

Oh my gosh I just have to say he's the cutest baby ever! I'm sorry your feeling this way. Its a concern I have and wish you all the best, it sounds like you're making the right steps hun x

 

[Snufflepop]

I felt a bit like this with my 2nd baby who is now 8 weeks old. With my first I had an amazing pregnancy, loved my bump and a wonderful birth. I loved every minute of it and when my daughter was born I loved her instantly. We had a wonderful year where she was my world. Then I fell pregnant with no 2. It was very much a planned pregnancy but it was so different to my first experience. The pregnancy was much harder and with a toddler to run around after it made it worse. I felt like I resented the pregnancy because I felt like my little girl lost her fun mummy for 9 months. I didn't feel any connection to my bump but just kept thinking that when baby arrived I would have the same instant bond. Then my birth was a horrendous experience that left me completely shell shocked. I couldn't bond with my baby straight away and it just felt like he was a stranger. I was physically off my feet for a month and having to see my darling girl going out and about with my dh and not having any time with her was awful, I missed her so much and blamed the new baby. I felt like I had ruined our perfect existence by adding another person and wished I could turn back the clock and stick at one child. I went about everything as normal and nobody would have known how I felt but I felt like changing him and feeding him I was just going through the motions doing what I had to. Slowly but surely as I recovered physically life got easier and as my little boy has started smiling etc I am growing to love him. It's early days but he is starting to melt my heart and I have no doubt in a few months time I will love him as much as my dd.
Anyway, no specific advice but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling this way. Hugs xx

 

[misspriss]

I had a rough time bonding with my first, he was preemie and was in the NICU for 18 days. I didn't get to see him for over 24 hours after he was born (except the doc holding him up real quick before he was whisked away). The NICU can do that.

It was my first and I didn't really realize how different it was until I had my second, we had immediate skin to skin, etc.

But DS is 3 now, and we have a fantastic bond. It will come, I promise!

 

[MyFavSurprise]

Thank you all so much for replying, this thread itself has helped me so much, just knowing I'm not alone. Being able to admit it has brought me so much closer to him, I can only see it getting better from here

Thank you for sharing your stories