Has TTC taken it's tole on ur marriage?

[DaisyDuke]

I'm really starting to question mine, and i thought we were rock solid. DH has been an arse hole of late. I don't know how much more i have to give? How do u get past it?

 

[CurlySue]

How do you cope with it? Well, it's not easy but it's probably obvious in a way. You back off. You find another outlet. You stop making your entire life revolve around whether or not you will get pregnant that month. Men are different to women. They care. They want a baby too but it's not the be all and end all of their life. They do not symptom watch because they can't. They don't really know what a 2 week wait is because they are not always conscious of their bodies and whether or not they feel 'different'.

Trying to conceive is biological to us. It's in our blood. Maternal instincts are inbred. Paternal instincts only become apparent when the child is born. I learned that in a psychology book I once read. We cannot expect them to feel the same way as we do, or have the same depth of feeling, because they're not fighting nature each and every time they get a negative pregnancy test.

To be perfectly honest, TTC talk is boring. I can only imagine how it would be to an outsider listening to us, day in day out. Constant talk about babies. About pregnancy. About periods and symptoms. It makes life a biology lesson rather than a life. I can only imagine that my husband is so fecked off with all of it and I don't blame him.

When we are devastated each and every month because we 'failed' it makes them feel like we are only having sex with them to make a baby, not because we love them or because we want to. They become a sperm donor. You can imagine how resentful that must make them.

As difficult as it is, we need to 'save' them from it. For the past two months, other than our fertility appointment, I have 'absolved' other half of his TTC responsibilities. He knows when we are fertile, if we are fertile. But, he doesn't have to listen to me drone on about symptoms or the like. If I need to speak to anybody about it, I speak to my mother. Or my friends. I keep him as far away from TTC talk or baby talk as possible because it's the only way that it doesn't become a broken record.

Our marriage is the most important thing. Until we conceive that kid then the kid is not the priority. It's a much wanted bonus.

 

[FJL]

We have definitely had our ups and downs with our TTC journey, but on the whole it has made DH and I stronger than ever.

Something like this will either make you or break you.

Trust me, we've had our fair share of fights and tears. Communication is the key that is for sure.

I used to think DH and I were rock solid, now I know that we're unbreakable.

 

[DaisyDuke]

Thanks, he is now saying he doesnt want to bd unless he is in the mood and gets a momoth session out of it, including things he knows i dont enjoy. Trying to save u the details. X

 

[miel]

mine is really understanding he get me ...ttc have bring us even closer i have to say ..he knows what i endure he doesn't mine to share the burden with me ...

he feel and see thing like me ...we went to our yoga class together 2 weeks ago ( first time at the location ) we got there a little bit early to make sure we will be on time ...anyway the class before us of course we did not know but it was a prenatal class ...all the ladies with all kind of shape bumps walking out ...i don't say a thing but i can tell he is looking at me and he feel the same way...the always why ? why them and not us ? anyway last week end he decided we get there right before the class start ...we do , we get ready mats on the floor and all ...and at the last minute this woman walked in , first i am looking at her (she is putting herself just across the room front of him and i facing us )i am thinking mmm? does she have a bump ? is she preggo ? i turn side way and look at my husband , he make a sign with his head confirming she is ...but just the way he looked at me i can tell he gets me , my feelings ...i truly believe he feel the same way ...we are in the same boat him and i and we can only do this together not one without the other , morally and mentally ...

so i do agree with what you said Curlysue but on the same time because they are men does give them excuses either to make you feel that because the woman is the ones making most of the ttc thing does mean she will be the ones responsible if the boat of relationship in the mariage is sinking a little...

anyway to answer your question...no our problem ttc does not affect my mariage so far.

 

[DaisyDuke]

We have definitely had our ups and downs with our TTC journey, but on the whole it has made DH and I stronger than ever.

Something like this will either make you or break you.

Trust me, we've had our fair share of fights and tears. Communication is the key that is for sure.

I used to think DH and I were rock solid, now I know that we're unbreakable.

Thanks i thought we were rock solid to, now i fear we may be breakable. He isnt a very supportive person as it is. For example at my nans funeral last week he didnt even put his arm round me as i sobbed, not even as we were sat down in church.

 

[DaisyDuke]

mine is really understanding he get me ...ttc have bring us even closer i have to say ..he knows what i endure he doesn't mine to share the burden with me ...

he feel and see thing like me ...we went to our yoga class together 2 weeks ago ( first time at the location ) we got there a little bit early to make sure we will be on time ...anyway the class before us of course we did not know but it was a prenatal class ...all the ladies with all kind of shape bumps walking out ...i don't say a thing but i can tell he is looking at me and he feel the same way...the always why ? why them and not us ? anyway last week end he decided we get there right before the class start ...we do , we get ready mats on the floor and all ...and at the last minute this woman walked in , first i am looking at her (she is putting herself just across the room front of him and i facing us )i am thinking mmm? does she have a bump ? is she preggo ? i turn side way and look at my husband , he make a sign with his head confirming she is ...but just the way he looked at me i can tell he gets me , my feelings ...i truly believe he feel the same way ...we are in the same boat him and i and we can only do this together not one without the other , morally and mentally ...

so i do agree without you said Curlysue but on the same time because they are men does give them excuses either to make you feel that because the woman is the ones making most of the ttc thing does mean she will be the ones responsible if the boat of relationship in the mariage is sinking a little...

anyway to answer your question...no it's our probleen ttc does not affect my mariage so far.

Thanks ur dh sounds wonderful, as under ur name says 'married to an amazing guy' i have looked at that since June and thought wow, i bet for her to put that he really is. TBH i'm a little jelous in a i'm happy for u way and i wish my dh was like that. All i can say is wow what a wonderful man u have married, i'm sure i don't need to tell u how lucky u are. I bet he worships u

 

[FJL]

Have you sat him down and told him how he makes you feel when he is not being supportive? If not, then I think you need to do this and if need be give him the hard facts of how you're feeling about the 2 of you. It might give him a wake up call.

Like CS said, Men are programmed different and as much as they may want a baby, I definitely think it is harder on us women because we're the ones that have to suffer through the TWW, watching every little symptom etc...we're the ones that have to endure the painful and invasive tests and treatments etc.

We have to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't mind readers so we have to tell them how we're feeling and how what they're doing (or not doing) is making us feel. If they still choose not to care or change their ways then at least we know we've put our cards and hearts on the table.

I've gone ballistic at DH a few times because after my 2nd Lap and a few other things he's pissed off and left me at home alone in pain while he's gone out and done stuff. I told him that while he can't physically go what i'm going through, he should bloody well be there for me while I am going through it, that I can't just get up and do things to take my mind off it all because I'M NOT ALLOWED!!! That its easier for him because he can try and live normally while waiting but I can't because I have to change my whole life and activities around for treatment etc.

He is much better now...but if i'm not open and honest with how i'm feeling then he can tend to forget.

 

[miel]

oh sweetie i hope you two can find you way back to understand each other ...

 

[butterflies]

I'm really starting to question mine, and i thought we were rock solid. DH has been an arse hole of late. I don't know how much more i have to give? How do u get past it?

sometimes they just don't quite see it through our eyes. DH gets a bit huffy about it at times, but it does pass

 

[miel]

Daisy do you think having lost your little angel made him harden a little with the situation so he doesn't get hurt again?

 

[DaisyDuke]

Have you sat him down and told him how he makes you feel when he is not being supportive? If not, then I think you need to do this and if need be give him the hard facts of how you're feeling about the 2 of you. It might give him a wake up call.

Like CS said, Men are programmed different and as much as they may want a baby, I definitely think it is harder on us women because we're the ones that have to suffer through the TWW, watching every little symptom etc...we're the ones that have to endure the painful and invasive tests and treatments etc.

We have to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't mind readers so we have to tell them how we're feeling and how what they're doing (or not doing) is making us feel. If they still choose not to care or change their ways then at least we know we've put our cards and hearts on the table.

I've gone ballistic at DH a few times because after my 2nd Lap and a few other things he's pissed off and left me at home alone in pain while he's gone out and done stuff. I told him that while he can't physically go what i'm going through, he should bloody well be there for me while I am going through it, that I can't just get up and do things to take my mind off it all because I'M NOT ALLOWED!!! That its easier for him because he can try and live normally while waiting but I can't because I have to change my whole life and activities around for treatment etc.

He is much better now...but if i'm not open and honest with how i'm feeling then he can tend to forget.

Yeah im a real talker im extremly open with my feelings. I have talked and talked it thro told him what i need him to do, he gets annoyed i bore him. He's like can i press play on the telly now (sky plus etc).

 

[DaisyDuke]

Daisy do you think having lost your little angel made him harden a little with the situation so he doesn't get hurt again?

Do u know we just discussed this, he said it didnt hurt him just dissapointed him. He never cried just got angry at me for crying etc.

 

[DaisyDuke]

Just wanted to add i love my dh so much, i dont just want a baby i want his baby i want us to be a family. I know i paint a bad picture but despite all that i know he loves me, im just scared as his parents were terrible role models on how to have a healthy marriage, its left him incapable of acheiving it himself. Im always the driving force to make it healthy and balanced etc, i scares me im loosing the fight cos without my fight i worry we wil fall apart. IFYKWIM?

 

[miel]

so like Curly said you best option is to back up a little and giving some breathing room as obviously talking to him doesn't affect him right now...
so sorry i don"t get him how he can look at the distress you are in and not offering you support , security and comfort ...i mad at him

to you sweetie

 

[DaisyDuke]

Thanks Miel i appreciate ur responses and support so much

 

[vineyard]

It's definitely hard. We have gotten stronger because of it but there have been times in between that were/are rough. I think sex and money are topics of frequent fights among couples and TTC involves both touchy topics. My husband and I started a weekly date night with rules. 1. No talking about money. and 2. No talking about babies. It has really helped to have a night out(or in) without talking about either of those things and just focusing on us.

 

[Trying4ever]

Yeah its a tough one.....I wouldn't worry about it too much daisyduke......but definitely give him space.........at first we used to end up having a massive row when I was pissed off he wouldnt bd as it was my time of the month!!..Ovulation that is. Obviously that didnt help. He just didnt understand. So then I used to think, well if it happens it happens, its his choice aswell....not sure if you watch 'friends' but I remember watching a few years back when that woman (forgotten her name) really really wanted a baby with her husband chandler but they had had a masssive row (cos maybe he dropped crumbs in bed or something) but then she slyly went all forgiving on him and said she was sorry and that they should kiss and make up and in the end they bd...straight after she jumped out of bed telling him that she was still pissed off with him and that the argument wasnt over!!! ...Chandler realised he had been 'used'....but i do believe men are from mars and women from venus so I just give my hubby space now and wait till he talks about it with me ....and it works...he brings the topic up more now....the other day he asked when i was having my hcg jab and i said i hadnt even started the clomid but that i would let him know

 

[Nathyrra]

I would say, the longer this has gone on-the better we actually get on. We give eachother space when it's needed and we talk regularly about it. We came to arrangement on the crucial days he will do it whenever and wherever, and on the non crucial days we do what he wants. It works out well for us anyway. We haven't argued about TTC for a fair few months now.

I really do think Infertility is one of the most trying things a couple can be put through together. Everyday you wake up in one piece, the stronger you get. It's hard reaching a common ground, but once you find it things just go from strength to strength. x

 

[Omi]

I dont think it sounds like all is lost, hun! As more eloquent people than me have put it..its a bridge you cross, you know. Im like you i talk a lot!!!! And i too have been told off for talking about it too much.

We had a drunken fight a few weeks back (related to the fact i was told my ex's twin brother's wife was pg and due the same month as i was (we know of them well)..and they live their parents , have no steady jobs etc..but i digress) I was feeling a bit delicate, you know...when you just want someone to cuddle you and say everything will be all right. Was it eff! Yes, we were drunk, so that is most likely why we fought, but he did say to me ' all this baby talk is BORING! I wanna make babies not talk about it'.

Needless to say, i sobbed my little heart out, but its true! They have feelings too, just not the same ones we have, For instance, i know my oh wants to have ababy as badly as me..but he's terrified of going through more dissapointment. And being a man...he forges on, tries to rationalise it- which is the opposite of me, anyway. Im a fairly up person..but heck, id be lying if i said i dont think about it 24-7.

If nothing else tell him how you feel, but dont invite a discussion. Add that you can see his point, his feelings, but that you dont need much but some aknowledgement/ to vent now and then.

As someone else said, back off talking to him about it. I sometimes even say, oh, im sorry but this is baby related you might hate it...but most of the time he's happy to listen. It might just be that their feelings are being counted that matters.

Give it time hun....im sure all is not lost. But as already said, focus on you as a couple not a ttc couple and things might just grow from there..

I think we have a very good relationship and there are many times when he'll just throw in 'we'll have one, that'll be us, dont worry etc' But that doesnt mean its not stressful and even painful, hun. It is..im sure he feels it as much as i do..i think the difference is that he feels it for him and me, us that is..but he doesnt talk about that.

Big Hugs, Hun!