Has your infertility cost you a friendship?

[MrsF]

sorry for the glum thread ladies, but was wondering if this has happened to anyone else?

since my dear friend told me she's pregnant (she told me at 14weeks), our friendship has changed and i feel very unwelcome in her life. I'm trying to rationalise it, i've tried to talk to her, but i always come back to the fact that if i wasn't infertile, i'dve been more involved (there have been problems surrounding the pregnancy which i was unaware of,and other people have been there for her, which is a good thing, but i just feel so pushed out).

how do you deal with it?? it's added to my depression and maybe i am too sensitive. I've tried to get involved, but my texts and actions just go ignored

i feel very guilty for airing this on here, but i need to deal with this as it's affecting everything i do, and if i'm not careful, it'll cost me my relationship with my DH too as i'm so low all the time.

it's a difficult situation as her DH, my DH & I are / were all close too.


x x x x

 

[sianyld]

Aww hun,
im so sorry u have been left to feel like this! the way ifeel is it is looking more and more likely that my friends will go b4 me! (Preg) and if they cant put themselves in our shoes for 1 moment then they're not really friends! on the other hand maybe she feels uncomfortable??
i hope u feel betta soon hun, i really do as i am struggling to keep my spirits up too xxx

 

[BlueBoo]

Hi, just thought I'd let you know it's not just you - I have lost my sister because of my TTC problems.
I had been TTC for nearly 2 years and was awaiting IVF when I found out at Christmas(over the internet, long story) that she was pregnant. She already has 2 teenagers and this pregnancy was a big surprise (to me anyway!)
I had just also found out that SIL was expecting in the same week as my sister, and the thought of having to face 2 babies in the family around the same time I would be embarking on IVF was really hard to bear, and I found it difficult to show lots of excitement for my sister. I really thought that she would understand that I was pleased for her but would find it difficult to show lots of happiness about it (she is a midwife so I thought she'd be even more understanding).
Unfortunately throughout her pregnancy she got more and more hostile towards me because I wasn't asking to see scans every week and asking her lots about what was happening.
By the time the baby was born a month ago (not long after I had a mmc) she had expressed her disappointment at my 'lack of interest' ("can't she see it from my point of view" were her words to my mum) and I haven't seen her or the baby.
It breaks my heart that this whole section of my family has been cut off, but it hurts me even more that my own sister, who has popped out 3 babies with the greatest of ease, can't show some empathy for my distressing situation. I have been very depressed and, like you, this has affected my relationship with OH, but I keep telling myself that I have to focus on myself and get rid of anything that causes me any stress, so if I want to be successful in TTC I have to move on and concentrate on that.
Hope you manage to sort it out better than I have xxx

 

[MrsF]

Heya blueboo, thankyou so much for sharing such a difficult story x x x i detest not only primarily what infertility brings, but the secondary crap aswell - as if we don't have enough to deal with. I'm sorry that your sister is unable to empathise x x x i wish i could help you cherub x x

Sadly, I feel i've done all i can with my friend, there's only so much ignoring of texts / actions that one can take. I know what you mean sainyld about her maybe being uncomfortable, but we'd spoken about what i felt i could take information-wise a while ago when we were setting up "boundaries" (we decided that to avoid any embarrassment or uncomfortableness that we'd be honest with each, and set up limits of what we felt we could share)

it's just so hard dealing with the aftermath of it all x x x x

 

[Blue12]

I had a similar situation to BlueBoo. My brother and soon to be SIL don't understand it at all and we barely have a relationship anymore (which devastates me but it also hurts so badly I have to avoid it now).

When they first got pg - SIL told me that she was upset because she didn't think that my parents were as excited as her parents about them being pg (because my parents felt bad for me). She said that it is so bittersweet. ***She was upset for herself - like I choose to be infertile and like my parents want me to be infertile - and all of this is to spoil her big moment - wtf right*** And get this my parents were so excited - the moment they found out they took them gifts and out for a meal and called them almost every other day during the pg.

Things just got worse along the way and since they have had the baby - they have gotten even worse. They say terrible things all the time and have never once had a single word of sympathy/empathy - anything.

I am really sorry MrsF that you are facing this. I know that only a few of my friends know about my situation because I didn't want it to get in the middle of our friendship - that being said I have to put on a really brave face in front of people that don't know about us.

 

[ANGEL223]

Sorry you are having to struggle with all this. Sometimes its just good to off load so if we can be of service then thats what this forum is for!

 

[MrsF]

Blue, , i'm so sorry for your situation too x x x i do wish i'dve had the foresight not to be a open with people as i have been, maybe things would be different - but then again, that's what your nearest and dearest are for (so i thought..!)

i hate the way we are "treated" - don't get me wrong, i have had some wonderful support during this shitty-arse journey, but i just wasn't prepared for the other side of it. being pushed out of things really stings. i think as well that when we first started out TTC noone thought it'd be this hard - i wonder if my friends are tired of it. i know i am.

Unfortunately, i'm starting to internalise how other people see me, and my confidence and esteem is hitting rock bottom - i feel like the big elephant in the room, i feel like i'm abnormal, i feel like i'm losing the plot some days.

thanks angel, i do feel so guilty about airing stuff that involves other people here, but i really do need to get it out as it's the only thing i've not tried. As awful as this sounds, and for those who "know" me here, you know where i'm coming from, but it does help to know it's not "just me" - please don't get me wrong ladies - i would not wish this on anyone, i don't mean it rudely as i know too well the hurt that infertility causes x x x
x x x

 

[FutureMommie]

I am so sorry that you are going thru this, Have you tried giving her a call and see if you can talk thru it? I do think to some degree that she should understand what you are going thru but at the same time she may be hurt that she hasn't gotten to share this experience with you. I really hope you guys can work it out.

 

[MariaF]

Ive had both actually...With some friends I became much closer - almost intimate if you know what I mean?! They take sincere interest in my journey and try to give as many tips as possible.

There are others however that distanced themselved and I can see why. They have kids and are probably thinking it's not easy for me to see them play happy families. And they are right! So I don't blame them.

TTC and the struggles affect every aspect of my life. Every plan that I make, every action that I take I first think about TTC. I still can't really look at pregnant women in the streets as I feel hugely jealous. I admit it and I understand that it's wrong but I can't help myself

 

[JaniceT]

My OH and I had infertility issues and TTC for more than 3 years. It's hard but really... no one can truly understand how you will feel except for those who are experiencing it too. Even my OH doesn't really grasp how I felt, how I wanted a baby so badly.

I am sorry that you and your best friend are drifting apart. However, just to keep in mind.... almost all women who become pregnant, are facing a surge of various hormones during their 1st trimester. I was so exhausted and even cried while driving. It's a very odd thing, quite similar to taking all those injectable drugs for IVF. i stayed in most of the first 3 months, kept away from many friends while speaking to others. Your friend could just be doing the same. In a way, try not to take it too personal, sometimes it's just the hormones acting up and not what she truly means.

 

[Blue12]

Hey MrsF

I know that feeling when you are in the room and feel "abnormal" and like you don't fit. I think although we feel that way at times, no one really sees us that way. And I know how it can definitely affect your relationship with your dh.

Wanted to tell you something that works for me. I realized at one point through this process that there was a chance that dh and I would never have children and that it may be the two of us alone for the rest of our lives, which at first terrified me.

Then I envisioned what I would make of my life if that is what it came to be. As soon as I started thinking this way, it kind of allowed me to switch my focus to my dh and making a really good relationship with him and doing everything we want to do, and the things we couldn't do if we had children. We have since really enjoyed our relationship together and as I made this shift in thinking, dh became even more "magical" too lol.

NOW when we are in a room where I used to feel left out etc, now I feel like dh and I are the lucky ones in the room because we appreciate each other on a level that many couples don't because they haven't had to go through this struggle and haven't had to learn how critical it is to have an amazing life partner. I feel like they are missing out lol.

Of course there are still moments that I am jealous or sad, but I really found this helps.

 

[Lawgirl]

I know how you feel, although in my case it is me who is doing the 'pushing away'.

My BIL and his wife got pregnant early this year, pretty much straightaway. Up until that point me and her we getting close, she knew about my m/cs and the problems we were having. But ever since we found out I cannot bear the think of them. When I do I get consumed by this immense wave of hatred. I haven't felt this way about anyone else getting pg and it really took me by surprise. Well, after months of trying to push myself to deal with it and be happy for them, I've decided that it isn't possible. My OH knows that I don't ever want to see them again; it breaks my heart to do this to him but I cannot see any other way of staying sane.

 

[urchin]

This is a really tough one - and I can see all sides of it

I find it very hard to be in groups of people who all have children, but not difficult to be with individuals and theirs ..... which makes family gatherings quite tough for me at the minute (although seeing individual family members and their sproggs is fine).
But I find it very difficult indeed to get into excited blow-by-blow pregnancy conversations with people - and let's face it, if you're pregnant it's pretty much all you want to do.

So I can quite understand my preggo friends choosing not to spend a lot of time with me at the minute: they need to jabber incesantly about every new (and not so new) thing that's going on with their bodies, and quite right too! But they also sense that I can't be having these conversations right now, so are naturally turning more to people who can get all excited with them. I'm not feeling pushed out, I am just on the bench for a bit.

Lawgirl, your post worried me though. You said this is your bil and his wife, which presumably makes him your man's brother? Refusing to see them ever again puts your OH in an awful position - and feels like it could lead to a whole lot of tension between you two. I've been on the other side of this one, with a partner who pretty much cut off my family .....it ate away at me, and ate away at us - and after a couple of years the partner was history.

 

[MrsF]

heya ladies, thankyou for taking the time to share your experiences, it really is shitty isn't it?

the battle i have in my head is that i want to be there for her so so much, like you say Urchin, it must be such an exciting time with the changes going on in the body, and i know i will more than likely be the one incessantly talking about it should it ever friggin happen to me. I want to be there to share the excitement, i want to be there to share in the mood swings, the stretch marks and stuff, but it hurts like hell. I know i'll end feeling uncomfortable, which will come across wrong. i guess cos it's a new situation with it being someone so close to me, i just don't have the experience or tools to deal with it. I hate the thought of being told one day "well, you were never there for me during x, y or z."


rock and a hard place spring to mind

x x x

 

[FBbaby]

I personally feel that the onus is on the pregnant person to respect the difficulties of the friend trying to get pregnant and make efforts to understand that they won't be able to share all the excitement of the pregnancy with them.

I was in the same situation, a close friend of mine who I shared my two pregnancies with told me she was ttc again when I was too after my m/c. She fell pregnant right away, I was still in total turmoil after the m/c. It was hard enough to deal with the feelings of jealousy etc..., but then she started bleeding just like I had and because no one knew about the pregnancy but me (because I guessed and questionned her!), she turned to me. That was absolutely fine and was truly relieved when she was ok, but then she bled again, so heavily this time she was sure she was miscarrying, I was there for her emotionally until she went for a scan, but then she had the wonderful surprise to find out all was well. Even though I was sincerely delighted for her and never wished her to experience what I had, it brought my experience with the m/c back and this time I broke down and felt I couldn't be there for her any longer. I withdrew, felt terrible about it, but couldn't help it, I was too engrossed in trying to cope with my ttc obsession. She was wonderful though, she continued to write to me and tell me her news, but leaving the pregnancy out, or just a word to say it was ok. It took about 6 months for me to seperate myself from her position and see her as my friend and not the person I wish I was. We finally saw each other again for the first time after months when she was 8 months pregnant, and I was totally fine by then and really enjoyed seeing her again.

I am so grateful she understood why I was distancing myself and didn't critisize me for it or considered me selfish. We are now very good friends again, and I can see her baby for the beautiful girl she is and not the baby I could have had too.

I think you should tell your friend how you feel and even if she can't understand the way you feel (because she doesn't know what it is like to struggle to conceive), then she should at least respect your feelings because you are her friends and would never do anything to upset her meaningly. There was a thread going on a few months ago citing a message written on FB about what it feels like to struggle with infertility which I think many here felt represented exactly what it is like for them. Maybe you could show her that to help her understand what it is like for you.

 

[JaniceT]

Dear Ladies, I just pray that you will stay strong and focused to having your dreams come true. My bestfriend got pregnant 8 months go and even though I was happy for her, I cried for several days when I was alone because I had been TTC to so many years, with my husband going through fertility operations and me, ICSI's.

There is hope, keep trying. Because 6 months later, I too got blessed finally. It will take time, some longer than others but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel in whatever form it may be. *hugs*

 

[CurlySue]

Yeah. At the time I got pregnant on my first IVF attempt, a friend told me she was a week ahead of me. I lost my babies. She went on to have hers and is now pregnant again.

I haven't been able to face her since it happened. I might be an evil bitch but I resent her unbelievably, since she got pregnant her first try and is now pregnant again 'by accident'. I know it's wrong of me to resent her but I'm not going to lie to myself.

 

[Flake-y]

Yeah, I've sort of lost a friend (wlthough she wasn't a good friend to begin with!).

2 weeks after I told her we were having serious fertility problems, she sent me a picture message of her first baby scan, and every text she has sent me since then is to tell me that she's now got a bump, that her baby is kicking her etc etc etc. She never asks about us although I always make sure to ask how she is doing.

She is so insensitive that I just don't want to ever see her or speak to her again. Especially since she got pregnant by accident, although I'm pretty sure it was deliberate (on her part anyway) cause her boyfriend wouldn't marry her or move in with her. She was using a TTC app on her phone as contraception!!!

It's no great loss though, I reckon any person who can't realise how awful infertility is & have some tact is no friend to begin with. I'd rather concentrate on the good friends I have & put her in the 'ex-friend' category!!!

 

[kka]

I haven't really had any experience like that because the only person that i have told that we are trying is my mom. i dont plan on telling many people until i am well into my first trimester or even my second. The only thing i have experienced is being with a group of girlfriend all who have children and the whole car ride they where talking about there children and im sitting there feeling very sad that i dont have children and feeling completely out of place and wishing i were home.

 

[MummyIwanabe]

I often think people don't understand if they've not experienced it. Sadly people are selfish and as long as it doesn't affect their lives then it just passes them by. How often do you read someone has died in the newspaper? People think it's sad then move on instantly as it's not affecting their life. I ponder on it for hours and can't shake it but most don't. It depends what type of friends/family you have and sadly not all of them are as we'd like! It's deeply upsetting when they gloss over it, don't ask how you are, are too absorbed in themselves.

I know how you feel and thank goodness for this forum. All us ladies know what it's like and we're the only ones that truly care and understand.

Most people think IVF - oh it's guarenteed then and you'll get multiples and it's a piece of cake. They have NO idea and most don't even try to understand.

I hope you can sort it with your friend but if she's ignoring you then sadly I would take that as a sign that that sort of negativity should not be in your life and try and move on. Easier said than done but it shouldn't be you making all the effort, look at what you're enduring just to try and achieve pregnancy/a baby.

lots of love xx