Having a bad day

[FJL]

I'm having a bit of a shitty day and just need to write down some of my thoughts and feelings.

I know that compared to others we're reasonably early into our IF journey and that we have options and hope surrounding that BUT today i've just been thinking that what if IVF treatments don't work? What if I even had the strength to get through each negative time and time again and had done say 5 cycles to have nothing?

What will I ever do if faced with being told by a professional that we will never be able to have our own children? What will my life mean then? What path will I take? How would we ever get through such a thing? I am just so terrifed of treatments not working out and to be left way out of pocket, to have our hearts trodden on 1000 times over and no baby? I'd go to hell and back and do anything for my own baby, but its so hard and such a gamble when you can go through all of that but have nothing to show except a river of tears I just hate that there are no guarantees.

I hope I feel better tomorrow and more positive, and most of the time I am positive but I think sometimes you just have to allow yourself to think of your fears.

I also feel terrible because I could not care less about my 1 month old niece. I've seen her when I went to visit but I feel nothing towards her good or bad. It wasn't her fault she was born, she didn't ask to be, its not my Sisters and BIL's fault that they conceived quickly, but I can't shake this numb feeling that I have whenever I think of her.

I hate when on the phone my Mum and Sister talk about her, I can't even say her name and I feel so bad that I feel this way but can't help it.

Rant over

 

[avistar]

It is perfectly fine to feel that way about your niece and it isn't that you don't love her or care. She is just a 'object' or constant of what your longing and an endless reminder. Please try to keep your head up high! This path is a learning one, and has to be difficult so you can learn from it and appreciate the good with the bad. You are always in my thoughts and I want nothing more for you to have a child of your own, but most importantly I want you to be happy.