Having a hard time even if I already have a son

[Dana_Scully]

Before having my son I had an MMC. Pregnancy with my son was hard, at 13 weeks I started bleeding thanks to a hematoma as big as him and bled until like 19 weeks. I foolishly thought that I had an MC because it was my first baby. I've been worried from the start with my latest pregnancy, but when it ended in an MC on monday it just killed me.

I thought I could take it better than the first one but I can't. I thought already having a child would make it better, but it doesn't. At first it helped, I reminded myself that I was lucky to have a healthy child. I really wanted to give my son a sibling, but at the same time I was unsure whether he would be happy about it. I don't want him to go through life alone.

I get pregnant really quickly, like it takes a cycle or two, my little beans implant but don't seem to grow! My OB/GYN gave me a reference paper to go see a specialist, but it could take months to see one if they agree to see me. Heck I'm not even sure I have it in me to try conceiving again.

I feel so lonely, my husband's hurting too and we don't have as much support as we did the first time around. Maybe people think since we have Zachary we shouldn't be upset?? I know it was going to be hard having a second child, since we live in an apartment and we don't have a car. We take the bus a lot and sometimes my parents give us a lift for the important stuff like doctor's appointments. They wouldn't be able to do that if we had a second child. I kept thinking; this is crazy how are we gonna function? But I still wanted my baby!

Are there any other ladies in this situation?

PS. Sorry for the rant, I guess it doesn't make much sense, it's just all that I've been feeling since the MC just poured out of me...

 

[LilMiss_91]

I totally understand hun and you really shouldn't feel guilty. I felt this way when I first found out I'd had a MMC (2wks ago today). But just because I already have a son doesn't mean I wanted or loved THIS baby any less than I love or want my son. I read a lovely quote a while back, I can't remember where, but it went "a mother's love is never divided, only multiplied". Meaning you love each of your children equally as much, it's not like you love each subsquent child less and less the more you have (or equally, you don't love each subsequent child more than the previous one), just the way that if/when you decide to try for another, the new baby will exist in your heart alongside your losses, it won't replace either of them.

I hope that made sense to you. At the end of the day, you've lost your baby, and that entitles you to feel whatever emotion it is that you are feeling. Nobody has the right to judge you or tell you how you should feel. This is YOUR (and your OH's) experience. Take your time to grieve together and find your strength in each other. Much love and peace to you xx

 

[Mummy1506]

I also understand, we already have 2 children however this one was very much planned & wanted. We have had quite a few comments like you already have 2 beautiful children & maybe it just wasn't meant to be! It doesn't really help that we still lost THIS child of course we love our boys with all our heart but we also loved the one we lost just the same! Just because we didn't make it very far this time as far as I'm concerned as soon as you're pregnant that's your child!

 

[Dana_Scully]

Thanks for your support ladies. I find the days are getting harder instead of easier. I keep wanting to pet my belly and I keep thinking "When the baby's here" and then I remember.