Having one of those "moments"...

[blueeyedgirl1]

Apologies, need to get this off my chest and don't really have anyone to talk to. My OH is lovely but isn't great at sharing emotions, whilst my mum just tells me to "relax and it'll happen".

I'm sure, once again, that I'm not pregnant this cycle. My body's just steaming along in the direction of AF. After a year I've gotten to know my body quite well, I know what I felt like when I was pregnant, and I'm definitely not feeling that way now. So I'll be expecting AF once again, next week.

I just had this sudden feeling, like a realisation, that this is never going to happen for me again. I just "know". My body's different, my cycles are different, my CM is different (all different in bad ways)...

This just isn't going to happen again. And I'm so upset and angry about it.

The doctor won't help me beyond CD3 tests until next September. All because I've been pregnant once, even though I lost my baby. So I get to walk around for another year KNOWING there's something not right and no one willing to do f*ck all about it.

Sorry for the moan. Just needed to put this down somewhere. I'm trying to stay away from BnB and pregnancy-related websites to try to take the focus off it, but it's always on my mind and there's no one I'm able to talk to, and no one really willing to listen.

 

[katejo]

This is a great place to vent your frustrations! Im sorry you are having a rough time. I know it is hard but try and stay positive!

 

[fisher640]

I too am feeling very depressed. DH is not the most open when it comes to talking about TTC especially. We had a serious talk last night (me in tears obviously) Our first specialist appointment is the 26th and insurance is an issue with infertility and he was essentially like 'you know we don't have money to pay for treatments or anything right' and 'You need to quit focusing on this, because it may never happen, you need to be able to move on if you never get a baby' -- I'm starting to get choked up just thinking about it again. How awful. I'm 30 now and we've been NTNP/TTC for more than 2 years now and I just.... never? never happen? Breaks my heart. I mean it's just something I've ALWAYS wanted. I actually always wanted to have several children, and to not even have one? Some girls fantasize about their weddings for forever in advance, but I was always thinking about the children & family life. I don't know how to better cope with all of this than coming here and reading & venting. I don't know how to make my mind stop thinking about it to try and 'just relax' or 'move on'...

 

[Princess Lou]

I hope the pain you are feeling at the moment doesn't last.

Have you been to a different doctor? My first doctor was reluctant to do anything after a year because my husband had got his previous partner pregnant (had to be terminated for medical reasons) and like you, I was told to wait another year. I switched doctors and they were very supportive and said that regardless of what had happened previously there was clearly an issue and it needs sorting (I know the situation is different but you).

I hope you get somewhere soon.

X

 

[blueeyedgirl1]

Thanks all. I'm sorry we're all going through so much pain and upset.

The problem is I LIKE my doctor. He got me off some serious anti-depressants 18 months ago and I know he's good. And if I go to a different doctor at the same practice he'll probably tell me off next time I see him. He's practice principal as well, so I have a feeling other doctors at the same practice will take his line as he's laid down that "law" by doing my initial consult about this topic.

I don't know. Part of me just thinks I should wait it out until April or so and then go see him again. But I know I'll have a very hard time with it and I'm NOT the type to just relax and try to forget about it. It's not how my brain's wired.

Starting acupuncture next week so will give that a go for a while and see if I can hold out until April or so.

My moods are just swinging so rapidly between these feelings. I know it's just the hormones involved, building up to another AF and stuff, but it's messing with my head. I like the calmer, rational me, but she's not around most of the time.