He acts like his Mom will be superwoman

[teamandy]

I'm so worried and upset.

My husband and I just got married in august and he moved from his town 4 hours away to live in my city (I definately didn't want to stay here it's just cheaper). I'm 38 weeks and expecting the child anytime now.

My MIL has a really brash and imposing energy which doesn't jive well with my 'go with the flow' energy. The first thing that got me worried was that when I'll give birth she'll be flying down and staying with us for a week to help. I already have my own parents who live ten minutes away to help. Since I know she's from out of town, I made peace with it cuz it's only a week. But what's bothering me is that he's hinting that his mom can stay with us weeks at a time to help.

Umm no! First off I already have my own mom to help me. He says that it's better for me cuz his mom is retired and my mom is working. I'm upset because his parents are going through marital problems and has been talking about seperating from his dad so sometimes I feel like she's really imposing on our lives to pass the time.

I feel bad because I know his family lives 4 hours away but I don't want his mom to feel free to come all the time and stay with us when I wanna spend as much time with the baby during my maternity leave (I get the whole year) with her bossing me around my own house.

Please help!! This is causing me to resent my husband cuz I feel like he's playing the mamas boy and acts like his own mom has all the answers.

 

[ssjad]

You really need to put your foot down on this one! As difficult as it is, it's way easier now than later.
Talk to hubby and really set some ground rules. You can loosen them later if you're comfortable, but it'll be way harder to tighten things up down the track. Believe me, I know!!

 

[bumblebeexo]

Believe me, I know how frustrating over-bearing IL's can be. I've been there. However, you do have to see it from their side, why should your Mum get to see the new grandchild and not them just because they live far away?
I think you need to set down some rules BEFORE the baby is born, so maybe they can visit once you've been home a few days and settled, and maybe suggest they stay in a hotel (I don't know what their financial situation or anything is so that might not be a good idea). You could also suggest a shorter visit and then say you'll go and visit them in a few weeks time? It is a tricky situation.

 

[mummytobe_93]

You really need to talk to your husband and literally tell him no this is not happening

It's only four hours she could stay for maybe one or two nights at a push? And even that would annoy me.

When you have s baby you are physically exhausted and in pain and all you want is time by yourself with baby and your partner.
You just need to be straight with him and tell him it's nothing personal but you don't feel comfortable with her coming at a week at a time. You will be exhausted and don't feel like maintaining a house guest etc as that's hard work enough. Also could mention something about you are worrying about not being able to bond with your baby if someone is always round there helping you.

Honestly I think it's good to do it yourself, learn everything yourself and then ask people for help if needed rather than people asking you if you need help and showing you how to do things. You need to establish and learn what type of parent you will be without others influencing you x

 

[teamandy]

Thanks for your advice! I just feel really resentful towards him because when I tell him that I'll ask for help if I need it, he'll start arguing being like 'ok so I'll tell my mom to get a hotel then!' (Knowing full well that would be rude) and then he'll be like 'ok fine handle everything by yourself!'

I literally feel like he'll put me in an akward situation and have her overstay her welcome. Almost makes me want to move back to my parents house with the baby.

This situation is keeping me awake at night crying!

 

[ssjad]

Oh, accept that offer of her staying in a hotel!! He won't expect it because he sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty, but take him up on it! Your marriage will be better for it to, because you won't resent him or his mother.

 

[teamandy]

That's the thing, I understand his parents won't see the baby as much which is why I offered to go visit them whenever possible. But I feel like with my own family at least I know I'll go see them whenever I want or call ppl over but then they go home after or vice versa, with his side of the family, I have to literally stay with her all day with her basically beside me the whole time lecturing me on how to handle things or rearranging things around my house. And if BOTH his parents came, at least they can keep themselves occupied but when she's alone she literally finds ways to 'help' which gets really overbearing no offence.

I just feel like I'll be back living at my parents house. She treats us like kids who don't know what were doing and he doesn't mind cuz 'mother knows best'

 

[teamandy]

You're right! I should take him up on his offer. When he says dumb things like that, there's no reasoning with him.

 

[Eline]

You could have him read this article: https://www.momtastic.com/parenting/488129-9-reasons-never-house-guests-right-baby/
I'm sure he will argue that his mom won't give you any work and that she will be a big help, but she still is not your own family and it's normal that you would feel less comfortable with her living with you. To make him understand you could compare it to how he would feel if your mom moved in with you for a whole week, being there 24/7. Would he be able to relax like he is used to.
I think that during that first week, you will be insecure and you have to take the time to get used to your baby and to get to know him and work out what work for you both. Thas is not an easy job if there is someone there to constantly give advise and tell you how it should be done.

 

[Beanonorder]

Your dh needs to understand that the relationship between a mother and daughter is just different. Yes it might be unfair but the fact is that you have to go through something really intense and you don't need to feel pressured to accept things that are clearly making you upset.

 

[bounceyboo]

I agree with the other ladies call his bluff tell him call up a hotel and book her a room if that's the way he thinks I couldn't imagine having my mil stay with us id go insane and I know my dh would with my mother plus its time for you and dh and baby as a family not everyone else

 

[Dolly84]

Yep my mil would drive me insane if she stayed with us for a week once babys here! With ds we had everybod visit in the hospital 8 hours after ds was born, then we had a day or two to ourselves, then we had family who lives 3 hours away visit for a few hours , on the 3rd day after ds was born. Luckily no one took baby off me, I handed him to them when I needed the toilet, they stayed about 4 hours in total and travelled back. If me and oh didn't get those first few days to ourselves I'd have been so pissed off, you need time to get to know the new baby you and oh, not you baby oh and mil! I'm annoyed for you.
I am quite opinionated so not sure if this is why they didn't push things xxx good luck xxx

 

[Betheney]

Your dh needs to understand that the relationship between a mother and daughter is just different. Yes it might be unfair but the fact is that you have to go through something really intense and you don't need to feel pressured to accept things that are clearly making you upset.

Yes this. My mum is coming to help for 2 weeks with baby. Under no circumstances would i ever allow that with my MIL. I would simply say "i have no problem letting my mother see my nipples, pick up my dirty potentially blood stained underwear or even help me around the house if I'm recovering badly from a vaginal delivery. I'm completely uncomfortable with your mother doing any of those things."

My MIL is really judgemental, she growls everytime she visits at how filthy the inside of my microwave is (i leave it like that when i know she's visiting to piss her off) she complains about how much TV the kids watch and how we keep the backdoor open at night. I just can't relax when she's there.

They're coming to stay for 1 night (they live 13hours away so are flying) when the baby arrives and staying at the hotel across the road i think they got the hint. If they had asked to stay at our house i would of said "not yet, having people stay is too much on me, I'll let you know when I'm happy for overnight visitors" i allow my mother because of the reasons states above. Tough shit if they don't like it.

 

[Canuk1979]

There's a big difference with in town family visiting right after the baby is born vs. having out-of-town guests staying in your home right after baby is born.

My in-laws suggested they come for a few weeks right after the baby is born but DH and I shut that down very quickly. Ugh, no thanks! They are visiting for 3 weeks when the baby will be about 6 weeks old. I'll probably be ready to have MIL do baby-related stuff at that point and I will be much more confident as a new mother. I won't have issue with telling her if she's doing something I don't like.

In addition, the only reason why I'm ok with a 3-week visit is that DH really has no problem telling his parents like it is if they try to cross boundaries. He will probably be working during the 3 weeks, but I shouldn't have problems with his parents. We do get along well, but I know all of that could change with the addition of a new baby. I will definitely voice any concerns I have.

Can you possibly explain to your DH that you feel is mommy's help would be much more welcome 6 to 8 weeks after the baby is born? Make it sound as if you want her staying with you so you can take advantage of her "help".

Are you planning on nursing? If so, MIL won't be able to do much those first few weeks after baby is born.

To the person who wrote the OP should try and see the IL's side of the coin, I agree to a certain extent. However, I truly believe that the OP's desires should be at the forefront. She is the one who is giving birth and she is the one who carried the baby for 9 months. Grandparents should support their children during this special time and respect their wishes. The entire experience should be a positive one for the new parents.

OP, if your DH doesn't have your back, stick to your guns. You're the one who will be pushing a baby out of your body and not your DH. Of course you have to compromise and this can be done by suggesting an extended visit when the baby is a little bit older.

 

[aknqtpie]

I think I would tell DH that either 1. If she wants to be here when the baby is born, she needs to stay in a hotel.. or 2. If she can't afford to/doesn't want to stay in a hotel, then she needs to wait a few weeks before you get settled in to a routine before coming to stay with you.

And definitely put your foot down on her coming while you are on maternity leave for weeks at a time. Instead of telling your husband that your mom is available to help, maybe word it as.. you want to spend that time bonding with your baby and as a new family, so having outside visitors would be hard for you to do that.

 

[d_b]

Ugh, that sucks. Does she already have a flight booked to come when baby is born? I've struggled with this every time I'm pregnant because both sets of grandparents are a 4 hr flight away. Now it is harder because while I don't want houseguests, I do need someone to watch the kids while I'm in hospital. I don't really have any advice because it's never worked out for me the way I wanted it to. With DS1 I told my parents not to come for two weeks after baby was born and that he might be up to 2 weeks late because it's my first but they booked for 5 days after my due date anyway. Then they made up excuses as to why they can't possibly come a week or two later. My dad did a similar thing for DS2 (I had my mom come up to watch DS1). This time I haven't told them my due date because I'm afraid they'll do the same thing and I'm still trying to figure out the best scenario for #3! My in-laws are luckily less imposing (also busier) and come up later.