He really doesnt understand

[patiently]

Hello ladies...well i had my second mc that began roughly on the 20th of june and finally stopped bleeding on the 14th july...since then me and my OH have been NTNP but i do like to dtd at least once every two days as i am not using opks or anything...since the 18th i have been having twinges on my right ovary but i dont think i have ovulated yet...anyway my OH has started training for the past week and barely even touches me...he says he's too tired or he's aching etc and when we do actually dtd it is losing its fun and enthusiasm...he has commented on my weight also which really makes me feel low as i have lost weight due to grieving over our baby...i cant help it and i am eating lots it just isnt showing, probably a result from all my worries...i found that he has been watching lots of porn (sorry tmi) and when i asked him today he says after he's "sorted himself out" he doesnt feel the same urge to dtd...i feel so insecure at the moment and feel like im losing my OH aswell as my baby...i dont pressure him into dtd but i do feel that we should make the best chance of conceiving a baby and with him choosing not to refrain from masturbation i feel like he isnt giving us the best possible chance...i know it must be hard for a man to realize how difficult it is and i know that having another baby will not replace my two angels that i lost but i really think having another baby will give me something positive when all im feeling now is sadness...i really want to dtd every other day but he isnt even giving me that much...i feel so lonely and insecure right now and feel a failure as a woman as i cant give us a baby...is anyone able to relate to the way im feeling right now or am i being a selfish cow...

 

[SweetJennie]

I think it is completely normal to feel that way. I just lost my baby but before that when we were TTC my OH wouldn't understand that we needed to BD on certain days and would get frustrated with me. BDing also became a huge chore. I think that guys just don't get what we have to go through. I think they deal with things in their own way and this is probably his. I am sending you lots of luck and I hope you get your sticky bean soon.

 

[patiently]

i see that many people have read and ran...i guess no one can relate to how im feeling apart from sweet jennie (thank you) or no one cares enough to reply...never mind i usually have to keep things inside so i guess i'll just do that...and deal with it...

 

[Mellybelle]

I understand that need to be pregnant again after a mc. Its not replacing the babies you have lost, but it is something positive to help to heal your heart.TTC is rough on men, and TTC after a loss is harder on you both. He is obviously feeling the pressure. Men start to get upset when we just use them for TTC purposes, and when they realise how desperately we want to be pregnant it puts more pressure on them.
Try to keep the sex fun. Let him know its not all about TTC, but a need to feel close to him after all you've been through. It might be an idea to start using opks (and not tell him)
Most importantly, tell him often how much you love him.

 

[Mellybelle]

And no, youre not a selfish cow hun.

 

[wookie130]

I'm worried that this will become an issue with my OH and I...I just miscarried last week, and am already thinking about trying again once I get my first regular AF, and know that I'm ovulating. Like SweetJennie, I went to 10 weeks, and baby never grew beyond 6. It's so painful, isn't it?

I just don't think there is any way to make a man understand, although it is painful for them too in their own way. I don't want my OH to feel pressured or used, so I'm going to make every effort to conceal the fact that I'm tracking my ovulation, and try to make the baby-making process fun and light-hearted. I really never want him to feel that he's a sperm-donor. To many of us (hopefully most of us), our OH's are much of the reason we want a child in the first place...so that our family can grow, and share love together as a unit.

Maybe try explaining this to him. You love to be with him intimately, whether or not it's for the purpose of conception. You want to feel close to him, and not feel pressured. You want him to want you in the same way, and do not want to push him away under the pressure of creating a child. He needs to know these things, I believe.

Best of luck, sweetie. It's such a difficult journey we're embarking on, and sometimes we can feel so alone. Never forget to cherish what you have had as a couple, and what you can have again, with some work on both of your parts.

 

[jennijunni]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a hard thing to go through. It is even harder when you feel alone in your sorrow. Please know you are not alone. I do think the porn is a problem. I am not a porn girl, and my DH and I do not watch it ever. If that is your thing, that is fine, but more often than not you have situations like this, where porn starts taking the place of being intimate with your OH, and that is not okay. I would suggest nipping this in the bud ASAP. It will only make you more insecure, and more withdrawn. I think if you explain this to your OH, he would understand. I also think sex for him right now means pregnancy, and he may be a little insecure right now too, and feeling sad himself about the losses. So if he with holds sex, then you can not get pregnant, and therefor cannot lose another baby. So he is trying to protect himself as well. I think you both need to sit down and have a heart to heart, and really put your feelings out there.

I just had my second MC, this one was at 16w3d, and it was a little boy. Now I have 4 living children, and my DH and I have been married for a long time, but this loss took its tole. We are very close, and very intimate with one another, but he did not know how to help me through my pain, and recovery (I almost died), while grieving for the loss of his son. We had a huge talk, where I put out all my fears, and sadness, and it helped tremendously. I would suggest you do the same. Hugs, and I am sorry for your losses. We are here if you need us!!!

 

[puppycat]

I imagine your OH is finding things just as difficult as you but isn't as vocal with his feelings, as most men aren't.

Most likely he's worried if he were to impregnante you again that you'd lose again and he doesn't want that hurt for you or him. This seems the most likely reason for his denying you sex.

You definitely need to not TTC and talk to him. I see he's joining the army soon so I hope you can resolve things and get your BFP before this

 

[MsJMouse]

Sorry for your loss.

Your OH is probably struggling to deal with the loss as well and is also possibly trying not to upset you and as someone else has said if you fall pregnant, he may be concerned about loosing another baby. My DH has had to deal with my horrible emotions following my MMC in February and only two days ago said that we weren't going to try for the rest of the year and just see what happens. When this upset me, he explained that he had only suggested that as he was trying to avoid me getting upset about ttc. Perhaps this is just your OH's way of dealing with things. Have a chat to him.

 

[ChloeStar]

I understand how you feel after having a mc last month. i used opks for the frist time this month and my partner got realy stubborn and didnt want to have sex! so we talked about it and he was like "it feels like a job" so after i fort about it from there point of view it does lol. so ive stopped using them and we are back to normal.
Try making it realy fun bit of dressing up or role play x

 

[AEM1803]

Im so sorry for your loss

I totally undestand what you are going through.. Since my OH and I have been TTC after my ectopic in feb.. we have been fighting... A lot.. over everything.. he even had the nerve to tell my that i need to "get over it already"... I think the stress of loosing a baby and TTC again is way more stressful on all of us then we even realized..
Its frustrating to want something to bad and feel so useless because there isn't anything we can do.. to feel like we are failing..
I still cry sometimes because i feel guilty... because it was my body that caused the ectopic.. and my body that wont let me get pregnant

to all of us!!!!

 

[LaineB]

I completely understand how you feel.... my DH tells me every day that I am obsessing too much about having another baby. Losing a baby is so hard especially when you get so excited about being a mommy. I think you should bring some fun back in. You both probably need a break. Trying to have a baby when it just won't happen is devistating. Good luck girlie!

 

[dani86]

Hello ladies...well i had my second mc that began roughly on the 20th of june and finally stopped bleeding on the 14th july...since then me and my OH have been NTNP but i do like to dtd at least once every two days as i am not using opks or anything...since the 18th i have been having twinges on my right ovary but i dont think i have ovulated yet...anyway my OH has started training for the past week and barely even touches me...he says he's too tired or he's aching etc and when we do actually dtd it is losing its fun and enthusiasm...he has commented on my weight also which really makes me feel low as i have lost weight due to grieving over our baby...i cant help it and i am eating lots it just isnt showing, probably a result from all my worries...i found that he has been watching lots of porn (sorry tmi) and when i asked him today he says after he's "sorted himself out" he doesnt feel the same urge to dtd...i feel so insecure at the moment and feel like im losing my OH aswell as my baby...i dont pressure him into dtd but i do feel that we should make the best chance of conceiving a baby and with him choosing not to refrain from masturbation i feel like he isnt giving us the best possible chance...i know it must be hard for a man to realize how difficult it is and i know that having another baby will not replace my two angels that i lost but i really think having another baby will give me something positive when all im feeling now is sadness...i really want to dtd every other day but he isnt even giving me that much...i feel so lonely and insecure right now and feel a failure as a woman as i cant give us a baby...is anyone able to relate to the way im feeling right now or am i being a selfish cow...

hiya i dunno if this will help but have you ever used ovulation prediction kits?? maybe you should try them as they tell you your most fertile days and so you and your partner dont have to have sex every day!! i use them and find it easier as i think that sex does become a chore when your trying for a baby my oh calls himself my sperm doner at the min lol as i dnt want sex for sex jst for the sperm!!! when i was pregnant sex was amazing because it was not a chore anymore we jst done it because we wanted to which is so much better!!! good luck on your trying to concieve journey hunnie x x x

 

[patiently]

Ladies you are all soooo wonderful...after reading all your comments i feel like im not alone and i have comfort in this...

i have used opks before and after my first mc, but the two months i used them after my first mc, i never got pregnant even though i dtd on my fertile days...perhaps because i was stressing about it and thinking about it so much. its not until i got rid of them and dtd when i felt like it or when i "thought" i was ovulating it happened...but i do think i will buy opks if i dont get pregnant this cycle so i know when to dtd...

I really dont pressure my OH to dtd, and i dont think he's jus scared and doesnt know how to deal with it all..because when we are dtd he mentions that he hopes that we are making the baby...he talks about that a lot...these days i have said to him that we should just enjoy each other...but secretly i do think about when i will ovulate...its been almost two weeks since the bleeding stopped but havent noticed any ewcm yet...

after following your advice ladies i spoke to him about it and we have agreed that we will keep our sex life exciting and just enjoy it...so thank you again ladies x x i would like to thank you all individually but my computer is playing up...but thanks again x x

 

[Zeri]

I'm sorry for your losses. I think using opks can help in your situation. It's really not necessary to dtd every other day to conceive. A woman is really only fertile for about 3-5 days a month (maximum 7), so you only need to focus on your intercourse on your fertile days to get a good chance at conceiving. Opks can help you determine when you're fertile, so when you see that positive opk you know that having intercourse then will give you the best chances.

I'm suggesting this because it sounds like your DH thinks dtd every other day is too much right now? You don't want him to become tired of intercourse. If you just focus the sex in your fertile times then you can have a more relaxed schedule of intimacy for the other times in the month, and you and your DH might feel less pressured.