He wants a baby but wants to wait - advice please?

[LLbean]

explain to him that it may not be as easy as he thinks...My hubby INSISTED in waiting professing how we were VERY FERTILE and it would happen right away...now he is panicking because he knows it is not the case and my time is ticking! I just turned 41 and far as we can tell all my tests are fine...his sperm showed issues but after 3 months it has improved (so not always is it the "older" woman that has the issues you see) We had to contact a Fertility specialist today because if he had no luck this month I cant just wait around as most fertility places don't want to use your own eggs after 42...so yeah TIC TOC! So now he is sad and definitely paying attention. I wonder if he is mad at himself now for making me wait this long

 

[Indigo77]

I bet he would be kicking himself in the ass if he could right about now....

 

[sarahincanada]

Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!

thats a good idea, but the only issue is if all the tests come out great he might think they have lots of time and thats not true.....all mine and hubbies tests are perfect (including FSH even though Im 39 this year), I responded great on first cycle of clomid with 3-4 follicles and a perfect lining...and still not pregnant. so even with all the tests being perfect it could take years. its so annoying, I wish it could be more clear cut.

 

[SweetPickles]

Your situation is similar to mine, I think. I'm 35, and my OH is 30. (I think it's the perfect age difference )

I finally felt ready to TTC #1 this year (no way I felt ready before now). Initially he wanted to wait just a little longer, and I honestly wouldn't mind having a couple more years for just the two of us, but I wanted to take advantage of as much time as possible and he readily agreed since he really wants kids, ideally more than one.

Not saying that you need to start right this minute, but I'm thinking that if having kids is important to him, he should understand that getting pregnant after 35 or even well after 40 is certainly possible and wonderful - but it can take longer and have its own risks that I know I don't need to mention. If he's anything like my OH, he has no clue whatsoever about these things.

Whatever happens, I hope you and your OH are able to make the decision that's right for the two of you!

 

[readyformore]

Your situation is similar to mine, I think. I'm 35, and my OH is 30. (I think it's the perfect age difference )

I finally felt ready to TTC #1 this year (no way I felt ready before now). Initially he wanted to wait just a little longer, and I honestly wouldn't mind having a couple more years for just the two of us, but I wanted to take advantage of as much time as possible and he readily agreed since he really wants kids, ideally more than one.

Not saying that you need to start right this minute, but I'm thinking that if having kids is important to him, he should understand that getting pregnant after 35 or even well after 40 is certainly possible and wonderful - but it can take longer and have its own risks that I know I don't need to mention. If he's anything like my OH, he has no clue whatsoever about these things.

Whatever happens, I hope you and your OH are able to make the decision that's right for the two of you!

Well, now that was very nicely said!

 

[Caseys]

thats a good idea, but the only issue is if all the tests come out great he might think they have lots of time and thats not true.....all mine and hubbies tests are perfect (including FSH even though Im 39 this year), I responded great on first cycle of clomid with 3-4 follicles and a perfect lining...and still not pregnant. so even with all the tests being perfect it could take years. its so annoying, I wish it could be more clear cut.

Sarah, I just wanted to let you know I was in your shoes. Unexplained infertility, everything looked wonderful, no reason for it not to work. I tried a bunch of IUI's, a polyp removal surgery, etc. Finally got preggers thanks to IVF after trying for 5 years. We started trying ~age 32 and I am about to turn 37. Hang in there!!!

Like the other women have said, you just never know how long it's going to take. I would do what feels right in your gut. (This last comment is directed towards the original poster, whose name I seem to have forgotten, sorry!).

 

[Suki73]

I would strongly advise not waiting, if you can avoid it. This issue is an issue a woman has with her body, and sadly a lot of men simply have no understanding of that. They assume far too much.

If you want to have a baby with your OH I feel you should go ahead. Persuading him might be difficult but there is no "right time" for a child - it's a decision that can be deferred indefinitely and then - you end up with egg on your face and no eggs in your ovaries.

JMO, but I feel strongly about this.

 

[sarahincanada]

thats a good idea, but the only issue is if all the tests come out great he might think they have lots of time and thats not true.....all mine and hubbies tests are perfect (including FSH even though Im 39 this year), I responded great on first cycle of clomid with 3-4 follicles and a perfect lining...and still not pregnant. so even with all the tests being perfect it could take years. its so annoying, I wish it could be more clear cut.

Sarah, I just wanted to let you know I was in your shoes. Unexplained infertility, everything looked wonderful, no reason for it not to work. I tried a bunch of IUI's, a polyp removal surgery, etc. Finally got preggers thanks to IVF after trying for 5 years. We started trying ~age 32 and I am about to turn 37. Hang in there!!!

thats great to hear! I think we will try IVF next year, going to start IUIs now till the end of the year if they will do them that long. I dont mind doing IVF as I would love to be able to freeze some embryos for future use, as they would be my 39 year old eggs! although I know sometimes theres not enough to freeze. How many embryos did you have put in? how was the IVF process with all the meds and the egg retrival? the nurse I was talking to about IUI mentioned how IVF is much more intense so I just wonder. thanks for the pma

 

[Caseys]

thats great to hear! I think we will try IVF next year, going to start IUIs now till the end of the year if they will do them that long. I dont mind doing IVF as I would love to be able to freeze some embryos for future use, as they would be my 39 year old eggs! although I know sometimes theres not enough to freeze. How many embryos did you have put in? how was the IVF process with all the meds and the egg retrival? the nurse I was talking to about IUI mentioned how IVF is much more intense so I just wonder. thanks for the pma

Sarah, it was definitely more intense and not exactly "fun". We had two put in and fortunately only one took, as DH only wants one child. We have frozen some for the future in case he changes his mind though as well as in case it doesn't make it to its due date. It's worth it though, and know of several women older than me whom it has worked for. It's also very expensive if, like me, your insurance refuses to pay for it.

Feel free to message me for more information privately as I know we have gotten a bit off the original topic.

 

[Quisty]

The response I am about to give you might stir up emotions and anger in you or other people. I would like to stress that what I have written is based on how I would feel in your situation and how I would tackle the circumstances you find yourself in. This is my opinion only.

If I were in your exact position I would try to conceive on the sly. These are my reasons, but you need to decide whether these work for you:

1) The reality is, it is generally a lot more difficult to conceive after the age of 35. Some women are lucky and dont have any issues, but I would rather be prepared for the worst case scenario and presume I will be one the statistics that has problems than blindly go along thinking that everything will work out in the end.
2) You never really know how many children you may want until you become a parent. You need to think not only about the difficulties in falling pregnant with your 1st child, but the chances of falling pregnant with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th!?
3) You have a lot more to potentially lose than he does. If the relationship does not work out down the track, you may have lost your opportunity for children but nothing changes for him. I would feel extremely resentful if I was robbed of having a family by an ex-partner, only to find years later he was married and settled with his own brood years down the track.
4) For me, part of the of experience being a mother that I did not want to miss out on was the experience of pregnancy and child birth. In my opinion your partner's suggestion to adopt, is a flippant response that does not seriously take your concerns into consideration. He might be happy to adopt, but you clearly do not want to go down this path. That means you both need to talk more about the situation, not less! I would be angry that he is getting annoyed that you keep bringing up the topic of children. He is either walking around with blinkers on or doesn't care about how worried you are. You are 36 NOT 26!
4) I would be prepared to be a single Mum if things did not turn out.

 

[readyformore]

The response I am about to give you might stir up emotions and anger in you or other people. I would like to stress that what I have written is based on how I would feel in your situation and how I would tackle the circumstances you find yourself in. This is my opinion only.

If I were in your exact position I would try to conceive on the sly. These are my reasons, but you need to decide whether these work for you:

1) The reality is, it is generally a lot more difficult to conceive after the age of 35. Some women are lucky and dont have any issues, but I would rather be prepared for the worst case scenario and presume I will be one the statistics that has problems than blindly go along thinking that everything will work out in the end.
2) You never really know how many children you may want until you become a parent. You need to think not only about the difficulties in falling pregnant with your 1st child, but the chances of falling pregnant with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th!?
3) You have a lot more to potentially lose than he does. If the relationship does not work out down the track, you may have lost your opportunity for children but nothing changes for him. I would feel extremely resentful if I was robbed of having a family by an ex-partner, only to find years later he was married and settled with his own brood years down the track.
4) For me, part of the of experience being a mother that I did not want to miss out on was the experience of pregnancy and child birth. In my opinion your partner's suggestion to adopt, is a flippant response that does not seriously take your concerns into consideration. He might be happy to adopt, but you clearly do not want to go down this path. That means you both need to talk more about the situation, not less! I would be angry that he is getting annoyed that you keep bringing up the topic of children. He is either walking around with blinkers on or doesn't care about how worried you are. You are 36 NOT 26!
4) I would be prepared to be a single Mum if things did not turn out.

It did not stir up anger in me, but it did get me thinking (and women have been doing just that thing for hundreds of years, btw). . . .

My second child was a "surprise" baby. (Trust me, when you are 24 and ttc for 19 months and go through 4 IUIs to have a baby, it never in a million years crosses your mind that you could actually get pregnant from ONE single event of unprotected sex).

With that said, I think that if you are in a committed long-term relationship, and you plan on having children, an unplanned pregnancy is a tremendous blessing! You don't have the same worries that you do prior to ttc. It's just "Oops, I'm pregnant. I'll have to cope." After my unexpected pregnancy, I say just this to all of my friends. Sure, the timing in your life might not be good, but it works out wonderfully.

For me personally, I would have a difficult time with the guilt of getting pregnant on the sly. If my husband thought I was on the pill or using an IUD and I wasn't, I would personally feel guilty. And, I feel that it could potentially hurt our relationship. We value honesty very highly.

But (shh, this part is a secret), if I am so fortunate to have another baby, I'd like to 'accidentally' get pregnant again quickly like after my first. Maybe get caught up in the moment again (or lock my heels together behind his butt, lol)? I'm not sure, but I had hopped for it and I am 100% positive that he would not want another. But, I know from experience how he loves and cares for his unexpected babies. I'm confident it would work out for us.

It could be good depending on the type of person he is, but if he found out that you did it on the sly, he could be really hurt and resent you for it. It's something to think about for sure.

 

[Indigo77]

The OP is MIA........just saying....

 

[readyformore]

The OP is MIA........just saying....

Oh, but now we've gotten something even more interesting to discuss Indigo!

 

[Indigo77]

Won't stop us...

 

[readyformore]

If she's MIA, I truly won't feel horrible if this entire thread gets hijacked!

 

[Indigo77]

Maybe we're too scary and blunt? We tend to get a lot of 1 x posters...

 

[readyformore]

Well, if we're giving out awards for scary and blunt I'm first in line.

 

[Indigo77]

I would vote for you.... ....

 

[readyformore]

Sweet!!

Literally everyone tells me I'm blunt. Scary? Not so much.

Just as long as noone calls me an a$$, then I'm okay, lol.

 

[velo]

Does he have something specific in mind he wants to wait for, or is it generalized anxiety about less freedom? For instance when I was with a previous partner, he didn't want to have kids until his business was successful. Which was always "just around the corner".. oh for about 7 years until we split up.

If he has a milestone, is it reasonable? If he doesn't, I think all you can do is remind him noone is ever ready, and that fertility decreases as time goes on (no magic drop off at any age of course, just a continual decline) and you might not get the chance. And hope he doesn't take too long to come around.