He wants a baby but wants to wait - advice please?

[Suki73]

I just think a lot of men don't "get it" because they do not have that biological imperative staring them in the face.

I was with someone for 10 years and it was not "suitable" to have kids. This was my fault as much as his, I have to say. But that relationship broke up and I found myself unexpectedly distraught at the thought that I may never have children.

I strongly feel that if the OP wants children she and her OH will have to make a decision sooner rather than later. For many this is a dealbreaker in a relationship.

 

[Bubba3]

Great advice girls. As for being blunt , we all need truths sometimes .You got me back in line when I was ss like a loony I totally took our fertility for granted , I'm ashamed to say I think I was totally arrogant about the whole thing. I'm also lucky to have two already and now I really feel for some of you tryi g for a first. Please , please not in a patronizing way I guess I just only now properly understand how tough this all is.
Were having tests but so far the dr thinks it's age related for us. Me being 36 .
Take care all

 

[Elodie]

Thank you to everyone for all the advice - it is greatly appreciated and means a lot to me.

My partner is definitely 'waiting' for the right time - ie when we have moved to France, when he has a good job over there, we have a house, more money etc etc, but who knows when all this will happen?! It could be years. I have to take this gently with him though, making him aware of the statistics and of my feelings. I don't feel anyone has been blunt at all, in fact, I am grateful for the honesty and sharing of stories that I have read here.

I think part of the problem is that we live in London and most people our age are still acting like they are in their 20s, getting drunk, partying, and generally refusing to grow up. We are off to France this week and I will be ovulating, so you never know... we aren't using any contraception at the moment but are being 'careful' so there could be a chance. So my OH knows that there is the possibility that we could get pregnant.

Also, I need to start looking after my body a bit more if I want to conceive. I currently have a stressful job, drink a reasonable amount, and don't do a load of exercise - although I'm slim I know I could be a LOT healthier. So I need to sort myself out too, but I guess without the motivation of knowing that we are going to start trying, I think, what's the point? I know that sounds ridiculous as I should be looking after myself regardless!

Thanks so much everyone, I really, truly appreciate all the support. Will keep you posted on what happens in the near future!

 

[Junebug_CJ]

Bonne chance alors Élodie!!!
Just for the record, we conceived our first month of trying when I was 36. It REALLY depends on many factors, on top of the woman's age. In my day to day job I see many couples who deal with infertility and the majority are in their 20's-30's.

 

[truly_blessed]

Here's my two penneth for the taking.

I, like you, began to worry about having children when I turned 35/36 ish. My DF is 14 years younger than me so age really was an issue for us. At first he really wasn't ready but when I turned 38 in Dec 07, I decided I couldn't leave it any longer. I came off the pill in July 08 and we didn't actively TTC but didn't prevent it either. It took until Sep 09 for me to get a BFP which unfortunately ended in MMC in Nov 09. We then started actively TTC again in April 10 and did OPKs and clearblue monitor and it still took until May 11 to finally get a healthy pregnancy and I'm now 41, 42 in Dec. I also had 2 very early losses or chemicals in 6 months.

To anyone who says it's impossible to get pregnant naturally over the age of 40, it seems myself and a few other ladies on here must be miracle workers.

It does take longer, it is more stressful as you are constantly worrying about whether or not it will ever happen, especially if it's your first.

My advice would be don't wait until you're ready, it's likely it will take you much longer than you think to conceive.

If you have the money it may be worth going private for blood tests to check your FSH and progesterone levels and put your mind at ease a little. At least then you'll have an idea of how much time you have. If possible get OH to have sperm analysis as you never know. Funnily enough we actually managed to conceive this one after I had blood tests and a hycosy (HSG) but DF was advised to take zinc and selenium for his sperm as there were some questions around the quality and he's only 27.

Good luck hun xx

 

[newbie74]

Hello Elodie,
I thought I would add my 2 cents.
I got married to my first husband when I was 27. My husband was 36. He said the first time in his life he was excited about settling down and have a family. I was glad and told him I would like to get pregnant with my first before I'm 30.
When I was 20 I was on the pill, missed one pill and got pregnant. I was in college and didn't go on with the pregnancy So I always thought I have to be extra careful because I get pregnant very easily. After this I was very serious with the pills and never missed another one.
Came age 30 and my ex said he needs more time. I said ok, my career was nowhere yet, I had so much going on, so I didn't mind.
Then I was 32 and he said again he is not ready and actualy he doesn't know if he ever be ready. He was already 42, had a great carrer, made tons of money. He said he doesn't want the responsibility and basically he doesn't want to grow up. It was a very difficult time. I was very sad, wasn't angry but very very sad. After a few weeks not really talking I told him, that I loved him but if he makes me choose between him and a baby, I'm sorry but i will choose a baby. He said to me with teary eyes that he doesn't want to lose me and needs 1 more year. I said ok.
age 33 nothing and at the end of that year we separated. After the holidays I've moved out. We were both very sad, he was crying I was crying...
Next year I met my second husband He already has children and he was very excited about having more. Especially because he only sees his children every other weekend.
So we started trying when I was about to turn 36 (last year), I stopped the pill and I was sure I will get preggo right away.... Not so much...
After 2 iuis, HSG, tons of blood tests still nothing. I just found out a few days ago that my AMH is is less than 0.1. Basically I don't have much eggs left. I was/am devastated. My insurance covers iuis but not IVF. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know that right now I feel so much anger toward my ex for wasting my time. I just got a "hey, how is everything" email from him. I can't even reply because i just want hurt him so bad.
Noneless to say, since our separation my ex told me that he regrets his decision, and he would want me back and would make as many babies as I want. Thanks a lot!

It is very difficult. I think at least what you should do is have all tests done: FSH, E2, HSG, AMH, d21 progesterone. So at least you know what shape you're in. And have a better idea how much time you have. Although those results can drop tremendously after 35.
I wish you all the best!

 

[Suki73]

newbie74,

Just want to say I really, really get where you're coming from. I spent 10 years of my life with a timewaster, who left me completely broken at the age of 33. I have since met someone absolutely wonderful and we want to have a child together, but I'm 38 and have no idea if I can still conceive. I'm terrified, actually.

The anger is very difficult to deal with. I still feel it and I probably always will. The only thing I can say is, don't waste any more time thinking about him, focus on the positive stuff, and remember, you can do plenty of things to help the process along, whether that involves natural interventions or medical assistance.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[newbie74]

Hi Sukie,
Thank you for your kind words. I would like to make it clear that, I've moved on with my anger and I am focusing on the good things and i have a wonderful husband, so it is very easy to be happy.
I have a great relationship with my ex, we respect each other and I know that I could always count on him if needed. We are like brother and sister. I'm just feeling angry right now because I got my AMH result a few days ago (middle of pms hehe) and I just felt like I lost all hope and its because I've wasted my time with him. If you read my journal you can see that I went thru lot of treatments, monitoring and such.

Elodie, one more idea if you don't mind: maybe if you do all the tests and have a clearer picture, you can show him everything (your results and statistics) and explain everything. That might bring him "to his senses"
And another thought many of my friends suggested that I should be "crafty" and "trick" him somehow. I rejected the idea, like you did. I didn't want to have a baby knowing that he didn't want it as much as I did, i didn't want to force it on him.
Now?? maybe I should have. I don't know. Then again, probably even knowing what I know now and been through what I've been through, still couldn't do it. But at least the knowledge might have convinced him.

 

[Elodie]

Hi everyone and thanks again for the posts and advice.

Newbie74, I'm sorry to hear of your previous sadness, but it sounds like now you are with a really great guy who wants to have children with you, so try to stay positive (easy to say I know).

Nothing short of a miracle has happened recently. A week and a half ago, before we were due to go to France, my OH and I had a very honest and open conversation. We have discussed having a baby on many occasions, so no surprises there. I did say to him that no-one (including myself) ever feels ready and that he is the first person that I have wanted to have a family with, and I know how important it is to him too.
Then, he said that we should start trying! Without any pressure from me, just discussion of the situation and the reality of my age etc. So we started TTC that night, I was ovulating whilst we were on holiday, tracked my LH surge and temp etc. I know it is early days and that it might take a while, but just the thought that we are TTC and that it is a mutual decision has brought us so much closer. I feel really happy and excited at the moment, and am pleased that the decision has come mutually and hasn't involved any manipulation nor trickery. I know that there may be ups and downs along this journey, but I feel I am now entering a new exciting stage of my life that I am ready for.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Jax41]

Hi Elodie, I've stalked you on here but had to post now to say so happy for you, that's fab news, now go get that BFP!!!

 

[newbie74]

Elodie, I am so happy for you!!! He sounds like a very nice guy! You guys are going to be very happy! Lots of baby dust to you!!

 

[Elodie]

Elodie, I am so happy for you!!! He sounds like a very nice guy! You guys are going to be very happy! Lots of baby dust to you!!

Thank you so much! I'm wishing you all the luck in the world too.

 

[LLbean]

Elodie...YEY glad he is finally on board...lots of baby dust to you and hope that BFP shows up REAL SOON!

 

[Junebug_CJ]

Perfect Elodie, so glad he came to his senses

As for hormonal investigations, if you are having regular periods, you do not have a problem with ovulation. It is not something I routinely recommend to patients unless they've been trying for 1 year (for under 35 years) or for 6 months (for 35 and up). It takes on average 6-12 months for a healthy couple in their mid-30's to conceive, so give it a shot first before getting potentially unnecessary investigations done. The best and easiest way is to start doing Basal Body Temperature monitoring to pin-point which days you ovulate (if you have regular cycles you ARE ovulating!), then for the 4-5 days before and of ovulation! www.fertilityfriend.com allowed me to do this and we conceived the first month I tried!

 

[truly_blessed]

ar Elodie, that's great news

 

[Indigo77]

Glad you worked it out...Agree that dishonesty is never the right path...