Heartbroken - sorry this is a LONG post

[lov3mykids]

Hi,

I don't know where to begin...but I guess the only way to say it is my husband is leaving me. 32 weeks pregnant and DS is 3.5yrs. I have never felt so depressed, alone, confused and hurt in my whole life

Since I have been pregnant I knew that we were having some problems...I thought it was my morning sickness which was making things hard as he had to pick up alot of the work at home with DS as I was unable to do much those early weeks. But he just became more and more distant - and so unaffectionate towards me. I questioned him lots of times and more often than not it caused more arguments. I had a gut feeling he had someone else but again when I questioned him he got so angry at me for even suggesting it. He became so protective over his phone, never letting it out of his sight and putting passwords on his chat apps etc. Looking back I guess I did know but was afraid to make it 'real' i suppose.

About 8 weeks ago he was in the shower and I looked at his phone. I know its wrong and I have never been that type of girlfriend/wife but I needed to know. I found messages from her and him. Talking about fantasizing about dating her and finding it so hard being in the same city as her (she lives abroad but was in Sydney that week). I confronted him and of course was livid. He begged, pleaded and I guess I didnt want to throw away 11yrs of my life and 1 yr of marriage so I gave him another chance. We did counselling a few times and I thought we were doing well. It was so hard for me to forgive but he swore it was only flirty texts and a bit of a crush. He broke off all contact and gave me access to his phone/emails etc. Which I hated checking but the trust was gone.
She works for the same company but in another city. I caught him lying again 4 weeks later when I found out that she was coming to Sydney and they were having a work weekend away. I asked was she going and he said no. But I knew she was. Blatently lying to me! I nearly ended it again...but again I gave him another shot. He swore he would never lie again and that there was no contact with her anymore. He also agreed not to go on the weekend away with her, all be it he was not happy about that

A couple of times the past few weeks I again felt like something was not right. I just knew.... and on Friday night he came home drunk and passed out. Me (being so pregnant was typically unable to sleep!!) lying there and his phone buzzed multiple times. And it was her....and he had called her twice before he came home. I also found messages where he tells her he loves her

I confronted him (again) and he tried to lie but in the end it all came out. He said he doesnt 'think' he loves her, but he has feelings still. He couldnt stay away from her. He swears it has never been physical but they have 'nearly' kissed. I think its worse that he told her he loved her and has spent the past 8 months essentially having a girlfriend.

Yesterday he told me that she is not the issue. That he has not been happy with me for a long time and doesnt know if he wants to be married to me anymore. So instead of me being hurt and angry and deciding whether to take him back...it has flipped and now I am in limbo waiting to see if he wants to stay and choose me I dont understand how he could marry me and try for a baby for 9 months (we had a miscarriage before I got pregnant too) yet maintain he was miserable. I feel like my whole marriage has been invalidated. I guess looking back I can see we became more distant from each other - raising a kid with no help and being pregnant is stressful. But I did not know how bad he thought it was.

He says its not a choice between me or her...but it is. He told her he couldnt talk to her while he tries to sort it all out and she said that he could contact her when he makes up his mind. So it is a choice. And I know I am going to lose. He has started counselling to try sort his head out.

He is living with us still (on the couch). He says he still loves me but is not in love with me. I dont think any words have ever cut so deep before. He is trying to help out with our son and stuff to take care of me because he has treated me so sh*t. But its all guilt I think, I have a feeling that if I wasnt pregnant he would be gone I cant eat or sleep. I am dying inside and I dont know what to do. I have had 2 eggs and a glass of wine today I know its not good for the baby but I cant help it - I am sick to my stomach.

Does anyone have any advice please???

Do I let him continue to live with us, and try to just accept that he has to sort out his head and make a decision? Do I let him ease his guilt by helping us out. Or do I kick him out and do it alone - I have no family in the country so I will be on my own. The idea of having a baby, dealing with a newborn and a toddler by myself is so overwhelming. I'm so scared If I kick him out am I pushing him away forever...and making him choose her? God I have so many questions that my head hurts.

Sorry again that this is the biggest essay ever but I am trying to make sense of it all in my head. If no one replies its fine, I guess I just needed to get it all out!

 

[lauram_92]

First of all what a horrible thing you are going through.

My advice would be to tell him you can't wait for him to make up his mind, he is either with you or he isn't. Remind him of all your good times, what he has to lose.. If his heart is not in it then you are better off without him. You don't want him to stay with you, then decide later on that it wasn't what he wanted.

Do you think you could ever trust him again?

 

[Dezireey]

In a situation such as this and the fact that you are 32 weeks pregnant.....I say get him out of the house and stay well away from him for a while. Does he want to be at the birth? I just think that this is too stressful for you right now and you must think about your health, babies health and your state of mind.

Going through something like this towards the end of a pregnancy can be dangerous and can bring on an early birth if you get way too upset or emotional. Try and deal with him/the marriage/ the future etc after the baby is born.

Personally, I would never forgive a husband that cheated on me and then carried on with it again after I found out. Its like saying he doesn't really care about your feelings anyway and he will do what he wants. I'm sorry hun but I highly doubt they are just friends and nothings happened if he is telling her he loves her?? WTF is that about?

Trust is extremely important in a marriage and there are some women who can move on from a husband's infidelity and others who just know they never can (even if they love their husband madly, the damage is done in their eyes) You must ask yourself, truthfully in your heart which type of women are you? The woman who can forgive, forget and move on? or the woman who will forever live her life in turmoil and stress wondering when not if her husband will cheat again?

i really don't understand people (men and women) who just cheat in a marriage and then after they have done secret stuff behind their partners back, say 'well I was unhappy'

If I were that unhappy in a marriage, I would leave first and then find another partner, not the other way around.

You will cope and you will eventually heal from this but right now its hurtful and right now, in your condition, you must get rid of any stressful situations around you hunny.

Big hugs xxx

 

[babycrazy1706]

Oh hun I'm sorry
Big hugs
Best wishes, hope you feel better soon. xx

 

[Dream.dream]

I commented on your post in thir try as we'll.

I kicked my tummy babies dad and broke things off for not bein able to grow up and be a dad , he also wouldn't choose between us and texting some other girls he'd met at the bar . If he won't make the choice you have to make it for him, I know that sticking around waiting to be "picked" had a huge negative impact on my self esteem and I felt much better once I was on my own focusing on my kids.
It took us being gone for him to realize what he's been missing and he's now taken the step to be a good dad and prove that he's change

It maybe hard doing it alone , but it's honestly better to do it alone then to constantly feel like someone's second choice. If you wait around and he continues to talk to this other woman you'll be upset and your kids will notice and be affected . And maybe being cut out will make him smarten up and realize what he's missing ad if not then your better off

Keep your chin up .

 

[Michellelove]

im in the same spot as you are.... only that my husband gave me an sti or std and he wont accept it... i saw his laptop and had pictures with naked woman in bed... i dont care anymore im pregnant but im not leaving him im going to make HELL out of his life from now on.... im sorry about it... stay strong i wish i had some balls to kick him out... but i cant i have to get my Karma on his ass...