HELP! Mommy doesn't like Daddy!

[cnhm2012]

So, I am 26 weeks pregnant with my first baby. A little girl. But the father is a prick. When I was 16 weeks pregnant I found out he was trying to hook up with my sister and was sending inappropriate pictures and talking inappropriatly to girls he didn't even now over social networks and text messaging so I broke it off and he moved out. I knew about 3 of his kids from previous relationships but after our relationship was over, found out he already has 5 kids, my kid will be his 6th. He does not have custody of any of his kids and he only sees one of them on special occasions. He does not have a car and is far behind on child support payments. He is a convicted felon and was not accpeted into the army because of gang tattoo's that he has. Unfortunatly, he is still obsessed with me and will not leave me alone. I do not want him to be apart of my daughters life because I know he won't be there for her even though he claims he will. He has proven with his first 5 kids that he will not support her. Right now he desperantly wants to be back with me and tells me he's going to send me money to support me and buy things for my daughter for when she's born. I truely do not want his help and don't want to see him hurt my daughter in the future. So many things have been running through my head, right now I'm wondering, should I tell him I had a miscarriage so he leave me alone? Please help.

 

[lilliesmummie]

I think thats a bit of an insult to those who have had a loss.. Even if you already have hun.. Could you not say she's not his? As horrible as it seems, you must do whats best for your daughter and you are right, a man like that is far from worthy of your daughters heart. X

 

[Tanikins]

Please dont tell him youve had a miscarriage - you may no like him he may be a dick but thats just soooo cruel! I think you should let him try to make a go of things ya he might have a bad record but this one may be different!

How will you feel in 16 years time (or when ever) you have to explain to your little girl that she hasnt got a daddy coz you wouldnt let him see her

At the end if the day hes her dad atleast give him one chance but make it clear if he fucks up thats it game over!

 

[cnhm2012]

You both are clearly right about saying I had a miscarriage, I had not thought that through. I am just so nervous that he will be there for her like he did in the beginning with his other children and then break her heart by leaving her when he finds out he's having another baby. That seems to be his pattern ):

 

[lilliesmummie]

You'll sort it hun, you know what's best for your daughter before anyone else could possibly, do what you feel you need to do to protect her. X

 

[aliss]

If he can't be bothered with his other 5 children then when yours comes along, he will drop off the face of the earth then too. You won't need to do much.

On the other hand, you chose to sleep with a felon who had lots of other kids, no car, behind on child support, gang tattoos, etc. so really... you're going to have to live with that choice and be honest with him and your child about who he is.

No, that isn't a "popular" answer but it is what it is. You didn't care about his kids before (and whatever else you already knew about), you said you broke it off because he was going to cheat - he was already crap dad material.

Sorry, and the courts will see it the same way if he ever seeks to establish paternity.

 

[pinklightbulb]

No don't tell him you had an m/c, that's awful, glad you saw the light about that.
If he really is such a deadbeat dad he isn't going to want to step up for his 6th if he doesn't care about his other 5, hopefully.

 

[amygwen]

If he can't be bothered with his other 5 children then when yours comes along, he will drop off the face of the earth then too. You won't need to do much.

On the other hand, you chose to sleep with a felon who had lots of other kids, no car, behind on child support, gang tattoos, etc. so really... you're going to have to live with that choice and be honest with him and your child about who he is.

No, that isn't a "popular" answer but it is what it is. You didn't care about his kids before (and whatever else you already knew about), you said you broke it off because he was going to cheat - he was already crap dad material.

Sorry, and the courts will see it the same way if he ever seeks to establish paternity.

I completely agree w/ aliss.

It's a sad situation you got yourself into really, but there's not much you can do about it now. You learn from your mistakes, but when your LO is here, she won't be a mistake and she'll be worth everything you have to go through including dealing with FOB.

I think it's quite sad you would even consider to lie about having a miscarriage. You need to tell FOB the truth and as aliss said, he has five other kids he has nothing to do with, so I'm sure that he won't have anything to do with yours either.

 

[supertabby]

No matter what its not right to tell him his baby died.

If he's everything you've described him as then if things get heated and you go to court you may be able to prevent access. Or limit it to supervised access. On the other hand maybe he really will be there for her and have a long standing relationship with her, I agree from what you say it sounds likely he'll lose interest but people are capable of change. Whatever happens it doesn't mean you need to have a relationship with the father.

If you allow him a chance to be a good dad and he screws up then yes maybe your daughter will get hurt if he hangs around till she's old enough to know him and miss him. But she'll still have her mum to lean on. But what if she found out one day that the reason she doesn't know her father is because you pretended she was dead? She'll have no dad in her life and a mum that she may feel betrayed her. Better that you do the right thing and be the rock in her life, then she'll always have at least once person she can rely on.

 

[lisaf]

Part of me wants to recommend you say she isn't his, but then what will you tell her? And though he's behind on his child support, he may someday be making money and you will want that share of it to go to your daughter.
I do think that giving him a chance to be in her life is good, because then you will know for a fact that he bailed on her. Then when she asks about him, you can tell her what he did and that you protected her, not that you never gave him a chance (she may always wonder if you did if things would have been different for her).

It really does suck, but it seems like that will have to be how things go.

 

[Brieanna]

I agree with others, do not say you had a MC, because that just opens up a whole new list of problems. A MC is a VERY hard thing to deal with and you should not lie about it.

Your baby is a very precious person and (from past experiences) it doesn't sound like your FOB will step up to help. There are plenty of girls who have a baby without the "father" in the picture and, imo, you might not want him to be in the picture at all.

I don't know where you are from, but there are resources for money in most countries to help out with a baby. I am not an expert in that, sorry!

I know the FOB is probably very important to you right now and all this drama is emotional to you and in a perfect world he would be a superdad with a great job, etc..., but in the long run it honestly doesn't really matter about him for the next few months. YOUR BABY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR YOU.

The baby inside of you is completely depending on you for everything. Now that you are pregnant do you have family or friends that can help? The baby will not question where her/his daddy is. Honestly, your baby only wants YOU, regardless of any past drama with the dad, relatives etc. Please take care of him/her.

I hope things work out for you and I honestly wish everything ends up ok. Good Luck!

 

[Amygdala]

I think this is a very difficult topic. You chose to sleep with him and conceived a baby that is as much his as it is yours. Yes, it sounds likely that he'll be a deadbeat dad but you cannot just decide that he should have no access because of his past record of not caring. Unless he's dangerous, you have no moral (or legal!) right to keep his baby from him.
Imagine if the situation was the other way around, imagine a mother with some previous children she didn't see. Would that give the dad the right to walk into hospital and take the baby once it's born and keep it from her? Or worse, tell her that it's dead or not hers at all (not that that one is possible for obvious reasons). Of course not! People would be outraged at the suggestion. Just because you have the option of doing those things to him seeing as the baby is growing inside you does not mean its for you to decide. He has a right to know about his daughter and to see her, unless he screws up. He hasn't yet so you should not consider keeping his child from him or even lying about it!
Apart from that I agree with Aliss that your judgement of him is likely to be skewed by his expected unfaithfulness. You liked him enough to sleep with him beforehand and didn't leave him when you fell pregnant, despite his bad track record as a dad. Yeah, he might have been a poor choice of FOB, but you made that choice, you'll now have to deal with it in a mature way. Lying and preventing access because you no longer think he's a fit father is unfair to him and very unfair to your daughter and can produce nothing but hurt feelings and resentment towards you.
Be the bigger person here! Give him a chance to be there for her and give your daughter a mum who she can rely on to be honest with her. It's bad enough she might have one parent with questionable morals and maturity, make sure that she gets what he's lacking in that department from you!

 

[numum]

If he can't be bothered with his other 5 children then when yours comes along, he will drop off the face of the earth then too. You won't need to do much.

On the other hand, you chose to sleep with a felon who had lots of other kids, no car, behind on child support, gang tattoos, etc. so really... you're going to have to live with that choice and be honest with him and your child about who he is.

No, that isn't a "popular" answer but it is what it is. You didn't care about his kids before (and whatever else you already knew about), you said you broke it off because he was going to cheat - he was already crap dad material.

Sorry, and the courts will see it the same way if he ever seeks to establish paternity.

I completely agree. I would add that unless your lo is in danger restricting fobs access to her is for your benefit not hers and would advise you to suck it up and let her have a relationship with her father.

 

[welshprincess]

I have to agree with most people, you knew what he was and you still chose to have a baby with him. You cant and shouldnt shut him out of the babies life, he helped make her and he deserves a chance to prove he is serious or not.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Access is always such a hot topic. The courts here are very in favour of the mother so if she said Dad wasn't to see baby, that would be that really, unless he had money to fight her in court. I hate to see babies denied their Dads. Deadbeat or not he's still half of her parentage and should at least be named on the BC for her if that doesn't give him parental rights in the UK, it doesn't here in Australia. Apologies if it's a different case there.