Help with an 8 year old!!

[Pulirula]

Hi everyone! Hope everyones summer is going well. I need some advice.
Quick back story: we have a 1 yr old boy and a 8 yr old girl. We recently sold our house and spent the winter at my grandmas ( we are still there) we are looking for s home to buy. Tensions have been high living here. We have 3 cats and a dog plus the 4 of us. We have basically taken over gmas house. We are trying out best to make it work. Well anyways our daughter has become a MONSTER!!!! She’s rude as all hell. She refuses to do her chores. She eats like crap. She basically thinks that she’s a princess. Earlier tonight she had set up a balance beam and I was playing with her on it and I fell pretty hard and she laughted! I thought I might have broke my wrist and she thought it was funny. We have tried everything to get her to be nice and do her part. Rewarding good behavior, grounding her to her room, taking away literally everything except her bed and clothes and she’s still horrible. The only person she’s nice to is her bother.
She says kids are mean to her at school but I’m starting to think it’s because she’s such a brat. Even her grandparents are getting mad at her and not wanting to spend time with her. I’ve talked to her about the importance of being nice and respectful but it just doesn’t work. I feel like an absolute shitty person for saying this but I’m starting to not like her. I love her but I just can’t stand how she is! We can’t spank her because my grandma throws a huge fit and makes life miserable. But spanking doesn’t even work anyway. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
We don’t even but her anything anymore because she destroys everything.

 

[Eleanor ace]

Is it just since you moved that your DD's behavior has been this way? Is your DD at the same school or has she had to change?
It's great that she's still being nice to her little brother. I wonder whether maybe she's upset with the adults in her life, as she's taking her feelings out on them not your DS? If it was me I'd keep persisting outside the home, remove her from the situation for a walk/park/swimming or something and try to talk about how she's finding things. It may just be that she feels unsettled and worried about something like where you will be living, or the change in family dynamics .

 

[Pulirula]

She’s still been terrible lately. I don’t know what is normal for an 8 yr old and what is her pressing buttons. She has lied to us so many times I can’t tell what’s truth. She manipulated people to get her way. She’s very convincing for a kid. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know if it’s me that is causing all these problems. Ya I spend a lot of time with the baby. But I have to. He’s a baby. She can make her own lunch and take care herself. Before I had the baby we were super close. I wanted to do everything with her but now she’s so mouthy and doesn’t listen I try to spend as little time with her as I can. Which makes me horrible but I can’t deal with her sass. I try to be an example of a good woman for her to see but that doesn’t even work.

 

[morri]

Maybe it is a bit of a circular pattern as in "if i cant get positive attention I ll look for negative atyention. " maybe you need a day out or so with just herself a week where s.o. babysits the baby.

 

[catty]

Maybe it is a bit of a circular pattern as in "if i cant get positive attention I ll look for negative atyention. " maybe you need a day out or so with just herself a week where s.o. babysits the baby.

I agree.

I think aswell her making her own lunch, could you both do it together tell her how grown up she is managing to do to etc.
I mean I know I could make my own lunch then but it would be nice that mum wanted to.

I think it sounds like house dynamics too, maybe she is missing it the way she had it before and just being like that because she's unsure and not at home.

It sounds so difficult in not even sure what to suggest as you both sound stuck in a rut with it. Maybe just praise praise praise on the good things (even tiny just realllyyy exaggerate it) and then she maybe won't feel the need to get your attention in bad ways

I don't have an 8 year old though so maybe she is just a typical 8 year old but sounds like something is off

 

[noon_child]

When I was a child and going through periods of anxiety I used to laugh when other people hurt themselves but actually it was just an emotional release for lots of big feelings I didn't know what to do with. It was like I was trying not to cry all the time so it came out as laughter, spite and sass. If she is feeling insecure and anxious she'll be trying to block those horrible feelings and thoughts but this will just seep through as anger - she's in self preservation mode. A lack of appetite could also be anxiety related.

Has she been allowed to be upset about loosing her old home etc. or is she told to be "a big girl" about things? I personally hate all that "don't cry, don't be a baby" stuff - as if being an 'acceptable' adult is about stuffing your feelings down and not inconveniencing others with what's going on in your head.

I know it sounds totally opposite to what you want to do with a brat who is behaving badly, but I think a bit of empathy might work wonders. "It must have been upsetting to leave the old house behind and scary wondering what the new place would be like", "It's frustrating trying to fit in to a new house with new people who have different rules and ways of doing things, isn't it" "I know I'm often busy with your brother but it's important that you share your big feelings with me. If you tell me that it's important, I'll make sure I listen"

Kids classically choose our busiest moments to tell us important stuff and we can too easily dismiss them "Can it wait, I'm really busy, Can you just be quiet for a second" etc. but they chose these moments because it seems like less of a spotlight is on them and they can more easily explain things.

I went to an infant mental health seminar once in which they transformed my thinking with one simple way to transform language. They say in their department they never use the phrase "attention seeking behaviour" - because for some reason our children wanting our attention has connotations of selfishness. Instead they replace it with the term "care seeking behaviour". This blew my mind - children aren't always drama queens or prima donnas sometimes they are just trying to say "I don't feel safe and I'm not sure anyone cares about me anymore". I'm not saying this is happening with you but if consistent discipline, praise and structure aren't working it sounds like she is trying to communicate something and she's using her behaviour because she doesn't know what else to do with some big feelings.