Helping husband cope

[Peacenik]

He has been so wonderful but I know this whole thing has taken a toll on him. (I had surgery for an ectopic on Friday). I'm feeling good and my parents are only about ten minutes away so I just sent him fishing, I hope he can get a little time on his own to grieve since he doesnt want to seem to do it in front of me. The night before my surgery I slept the best I had in weeks, but he was up most of the night and last night he woke up and told me he as having one of those dreams where your teeth are falling out. I just wish there was something I could do for him. Any suggestions?

 

[sedgeez]

i havent got any advice im afraid.

my OH is the same, it absolutely devastated him but he tries not to show it in front of me. im going to get him dog tags with Angel Daddy on it. i think it will just let him know i am thinking about him too in this situation

 

[LuckyW]

I don't know, I think a lot of women like to think that men feel like we do, only they don't outwardly show it. But I don't think this is true. I think they get sad, but it's an altogether very different experience.

But I also don't think all men or all women are the same.

Sorry, I'm just rambling and not being helpful at all. I know my guy would not want a keepsake. He would appreciate clear acknowledgement of, and concern for, his feelings through all this. (I know I've been kind of me-me-me through all this.) My mate also loves being nurtured through food, so I've been making him his favorite meals. Though I always do that.

But thank you for raising the question. I think I will just ask him tonight, whether I have been thoughtful/caring/concerned enough about his loss. He will probably say yes, he's fine, but I think he will appreciate the concern about sufficient concern.

 

[sedgeez]

i think it totally depends on the person. i know my OH would love a keepsake, where as you said your wouldnt.

i think its just down to who they are as a person

 

[LuckyW]

edit add: I just reread your post. I guess what drove my reaction was- you had surgery for an ectopic last Friday, and you're concerned about him! He'll be fine, you both should focus on you, your well being and comfort!

Heh, but I was projecting my own nonsense (I was just in another thread complaining about my SO). Anyway, sorry for the derail!

Hugs to you, and your OH is lucky to have such a thoughtful, caring mate.

 

[LuckyW]

i think it totally depends on the person. i know my OH would love a keepsake, where as you said your wouldnt.

i think its just down to who they are as a person

I didn't mean to imply that I thought you didn't know your mate.

I do know men who would want a keepsake.

 

[sedgeez]

i think it totally depends on the person. i know my OH would love a keepsake, where as you said your wouldnt.

i think its just down to who they are as a person

I didn't mean to imply that I thought you didn't know your mate.

I do know men who would want a keepsake.

i know, i was just saying. it strange how different everyone is. my OH is a very sensitive soul

 

[LuckyW]

i know, i was just saying. it strange how different everyone is. my OH is a very sensitive soul

hehe, love the smiley you used. Mine and I joke he is quasi autistic. I do feel very loved, but sometimes he just seems ridiculously stunted in emotional intelligence. Then again, I guess I do too, and so we deserve each other.

 

[sedgeez]

i know, i was just saying. it strange how different everyone is. my OH is a very sensitive soul

hehe, love the smiley you used. Mine and I joke he is quasi autistic. I do feel very loved, but sometimes he just seems ridiculously stunted in emotional intelligence. Then again, I guess I do too, and so we deserve each other.

im sure my OH is more feminine than me sometimes

he cried when he first told me he loved me
but i love it!

 

[LuckyW]

im sure my OH is more feminine than me sometimes

he cried when he first told me he loved me
but i love it!

lol. I had to ask mine, "Do you love me?" And he said "I think so." lol.

Whenever one of us is feeling especially loving, we call the other one "gay".

I also wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[sedgeez]

im sure my OH is more feminine than me sometimes

he cried when he first told me he loved me
but i love it!

lol. I had to ask mine, "Do you love me?" And he said "I think so." lol.

Whenever one of us is feeling especially loving, we call the other one "gay".

I also wouldn't have it any other way.

haha i love it!

 

[Peacenik]

He's way more sensitive than I am in almost all things. He was already trying to figure out if he could quit work and stay home with the baby. I'll give him a few more days before I start to ask more questions of him. I can't decide of a keepsake would be good for him or not. I'll have to think about it a bit more.

 

[Darlin65]

My OH basically broke down one night but wouldn't admit it at first. It started as just being distant and a little grumpy. I told him I didn't know how to help him since I was still having a tough time I just felt clueless. He told me to do the same thing for him he did for me. Hug him, kiss him and just let him be but to be by his side.

 

[Peacenik]

I really wish I could snuggle with him but I'm currently moving like a zombie which makes it hard. I'm really excited to be able to sleep on my side again.

 

[LucyLake]

I had my first consult with my new psychologist to help me through the miscarriage last Friday. One of the first things we discussed is that men cope differently in miscarriage and that he may not show symptoms outwardly, but they are there. She also told me not to pressure him too much about TTC again....because men don't think like we do in terms of replacing at least some of our grief with a rainbow.

She explained to me that men process this differently. We as women have a ticking biological clock. The most natural impulse in MC is to try again for a rainbow. Right away!!! Men are made differently. They have real fear about you going through it again, they see the pain in your eyes that even you can't notice, and most of all they don't have that clock to blight their fear.

I'm going back this Friday if I'm not in too much pain and will ask about things I can do to be supportive Big hugs, you are a sweet wife

 

[Nimyra]

My husband says that he is having a hard time seeing me cry and not being able to fix it. I don't really know what the answer is for that. I told him I'm just going to cry sometimes and he'll have to deal with that. I told him he didn't have to do anything. Its hard for men... they don't always want to talk like we do.

 

[Darlin65]

My husband says that he is having a hard time seeing me cry and not being able to fix it. I don't really know what the answer is for that. I told him I'm just going to cry sometimes and he'll have to deal with that. I told him he didn't have to do anything. Its hard for men... they don't always want to talk like we do.

OH tells me it's not that he doesn't want to talk to me but that he doesn't know what to say to me He says he has all these thoughts and feelings going through him but it's hard to put into words sometimes.

 

[Skywalker]

I don't know, I think a lot of women like to think that men feel like we do, only they don't outwardly show it. But I don't think this is true. I think they get sad, but it's an altogether very different experience.

But I also don't think all men or all women are the same.

Sorry, I'm just rambling and not being helpful at all. I know my guy would not want a keepsake. He would appreciate clear acknowledgement of, and concern for, his feelings through all this. (I know I've been kind of me-me-me through all this.) My mate also loves being nurtured through food, so I've been making him his favorite meals. Though I always do that.

But thank you for raising the question. I think I will just ask him tonight, whether I have been thoughtful/caring/concerned enough about his loss. He will probably say yes, he's fine, but I think he will appreciate the concern about sufficient concern.

I would definitely agree with this, because before having a miscarriage, I could experience empathy for women who had miscarriages, though I didn't fully understand the depth of their grief until I myself went through it. I think not only is it a difference between men and women, it's a difference between anyone who has been pregnant and lost it and those who haven't. With men, they have an entirely different set of hormones, they have an entirely different viewpoint on the whole issue of pregnancy. I do think they care and I do think they can get attached and feel love for the unborn child, but I think it's in a different way than the woman who is carrying that child feels it. I think my own OH is definitely affected by this miscarriage, though neither of us were trying for a baby and neither of us wanted a baby right now. He has been ultra caring, asking if I'm all right, getting me things, etc. when he usually is not like that. I think on some level, he feels the loss, too. I'd imagine for couples who ARE actively trying, that would be even more acute. Probably directly communicating about it would be the best thing to do. I just outright asked my OH if he was okay with what happened and we talked a little bit about it and it seemed to help both of us. I hope this helps

 

[skyesmom]

maybe write him a letter or a note or buy him a card with something like "for the best dad in the world" so he knows you acknowledge his role and importance in this, his pain and his grief. i admire you for being able to see through his behavior and think of him.

also remind him that he is not alone in all of this and that he always has you there to talk. i personally found this the most isolating experience ever, but i know my man still has no one to share his deepest feelings with.
remind him that he doesn't need to be strong all the time.

i send my hugs and love to both of you through these difficult times, and i hope your souls will heal as soon as possible

 

[Nimyra]

I'm remembering now that my husband processes things more physically than verbally. We've been cuddling at night and I think its helping us feel connected and comforted, even though he's still not talking much about the loss.