Helping My Sister-in-Law

[LaraSue]

I am sorry if this upsets anyone and if there's a more appropriate place to post this, please let me know. I am 36 weeks pregnant and yesterday, I went shopping with my mom and sis in law for baby stuff I still needed. I asked her if she wanted to go with me, she said, "Sure! I'm not doing anything."
She's been having some infertility issues and is seeking treatment, but I know she and my brother have been ttc for at least a year, maybe more. When we were shopping, I walked off to get something and I came back and noticed she was crying.
So 1, I feel like a horrible person for inviting her, but I am trying to tell myself that if she didn't want to go she could (and would) have said so. 2) I'm wondering how I can help her. I had a MC in March of this year, and I know how many insensitive comments I got after that, so I've tried to make it my mission to educate people on what to say to someone after that kind of loss (I possibly cried more over comments than over the actual loss). Anyway, that's why I'm seeking advice from people who have been there. I know there's nothing I can do to ACTUALLY help her fertility process, but I'd hate to do or say something insensitive over lack of education on the matter.

 

[uwa_amanda]

I am sorry if this upsets anyone and if there's a more appropriate place to post this, please let me know. I am 36 weeks pregnant and yesterday, I went shopping with my mom and sis in law for baby stuff I still needed. I asked her if she wanted to go with me, she said, "Sure! I'm not doing anything."
She's been having some infertility issues and is seeking treatment, but I know she and my brother have been ttc for at least a year, maybe more. When we were shopping, I walked off to get something and I came back and noticed she was crying.
So 1, I feel like a horrible person for inviting her, but I am trying to tell myself that if she didn't want to go she could (and would) have said so. 2) I'm wondering how I can help her. I had a MC in March of this year, and I know how many insensitive comments I got after that, so I've tried to make it my mission to educate people on what to say to someone after that kind of loss (I possibly cried more over comments than over the actual loss). Anyway, that's why I'm seeking advice from people who have been there. I know there's nothing I can do to ACTUALLY help her fertility process, but I'd hate to do or say something insensitive over lack of education on the matter.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for considering your sister-in-law's feelings and coming here to ask for advice on how to be a comfort to her. I really appreciate it. Not a lot of women do that for us ladies who have and are currently battling infertility. Some people just say what they feel is comforting, when it actually has the opposite effect, i.e. "relax...it'll happen..." "Maybe you aren't cut out to be a parent..." etc. Yes, I have heard them all. It can be very hurtful, especially after a failed cycle costing several thousand dollars.

Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on. Since you are expecting, don't feel bad if she doesn't take you up on your offer right away. Infertility brings along with it a myriad of feelings and emotions that can sometimes be very incredibly difficult to process. Sometimes it can be very difficult to be around baby stuff, pregnant women, or anything else related to that because of infertility. I promise it is not you that is making her upset, it is her. She probably feels broken, useless, depressed, etc. It's like she is going through the cycle of grief. Only it happens every month. I promise that she is happy for you getting ready to give birth to your baby (her niece or nephew).

Anyway...I hope this helps. Good luck with your upcoming birth! I hope everything goes smoothly for you and your baby. I hope your sister-in-law realizes her dreams of becoming a mother. to all of you!

I'm sure there will be someone after me who can offer some advice that I didn't think of.

 

[susan_1981]

I don't really have any advice because everyone is so different. I'd say let her talk about how she feels if she wants to. It took me over 3 years to finally fall pregnant with my son and I certainly went through some horrible phases. I remember crying in the toilets at work once after my period came. Then crying again when my friend told me she was pregnant. Feeling angry when my other friend complained about being pregnant and said she hated it. Feeling even more angry when my sister in law got pregnant by god knows who and moaned about having nothing to wear. Feeling major envy and jealousy when I saw pregnant women walking around. I kind of just got over it though. I just realised that other people having children didn't matter to me. I didn't want their baby, I wanted my own. And I also thought about how happy I was in other parts of my life. Lovely husband, lovely home, a nice job. We were lined up to do IVF but I fell pregnant naturally a few months before. Then 7 months after my first was born, after only one month of trying, I fell pregnant again with my second son.

Some people like to talk about their infertility, others don't. I'd say just tell her not to give up hope. Look at me, it took 3 years but now I have 2. And we tried every single month. I have no idea why it took so long but my eldest son obviously cleared the way for my youngest as he was no trouble conceiving at all.

So just be there for her and I'm sure you don't, but just don't complain about any aspect of pregnancy and when your baby arrives, obviously don't complain about the sleepless nights, etc. Things like that were what drove me nuts. I didn't want to hear about people's stresses with children when I was so desperate for them x

 

[susan_1981]

Also, the thing that I liked hearing about when we were LTTTC were the success stories of people who had struggled to have a baby and had finally got there naturally. It gave me hope. I never thought I'd be one of those lucky enough to come out of the other side of LTTTC with a baby but I was x

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

Hi. It is very nice of your side to ask for an advice. I am ttc - er. My husband and me have been trying for 6 and more years. I have heard many comment like - "it will happen, just relax", "your time will come", " try harder. .."..... But I think what makes me feel worse is hearing about someone fallen pregnant. I need a day or two to stop being miserable about my infertility and be happy about the other person. I love shopping children's clothes and listening about others pregnancies. Actually my niece and a colleague of mine are pregnant now and I am all the time on my colleague's belly. I touch her and stroke her and I am more than happy for her. She shows me her scans and tells me how she feels. She does not know anything about my struggles.

About what you can say to your sister in low....I don't like people to say anything. I think nothing can help for the pain. But I like to be asked where I am in my treatments and I like when I see people's hope that I will have a baby one day.


Infertility is incredibly painful subject. There is no rule. I think people are different some love speaking about it...others....they just grieve in peace. ...

Try to speak to her and understand how she feels about the subject. Moreover according to some doctors 2 years are completely normal period for getting pregnant even without problems.

xxxxxxxx

 

[babyvaughan]

My sister in law is 28 weeks with a baby boy, she got pregnant after a few months of trying where I have been trying for 3 years with one early mc. a year ago.

Often i'd cry also, I think talking to her about her infertility and letting her express whats going on try to help her with idea's show that you care that she gets pregnant too, talk about how she will have a baby and how she will be an awesome mommy. My sister in-law and I never talked about me just her and now that we talk about my infertility journey she trys to help me with idea's and encouragement we talk about what OUR kids will do together and my crying spells have ended. I actually am excited for her now, and she doesn't have to feel bad for being excited!

 

[LaraSue]

Thank you all so, so much! She does talk to me about it sometimes, and I've rejoiced when things have moved forward and cried with her when they didn't. I'm not comfortable bringing up the topic myself, but I'm not really sure why. I was very stumped as to what to say when she was tearing up. I kind of pretended I didn't notice, which I hope was ok. I did notice my mom talking to her while I was paying, and she was fine after that...