Helpppp! To young for a boyfriend!!

[izzywizzy]

to anyone reading this-advice well and truly welcomed. I am new to B&B and joined as my dh and I are ttc. I was really pleasantly surprised to see this section of B&B offering support for parents with older children.

A little about me:

I am 33 and my dh and I have a 7yr old son and a 13yr old daughter and have been together for 15yrs and married for 10.

My daughter has recently met a boy (age 14) same school year but attending different schools. She and her friend have been meeting up a few times with him and his friend. Today she asked if he could come over and meet us. Anyways-his parents dropped him off at our house and they have spent time together downstairs (i wouldn't let them upstairs). He seemed ok, was polite etc.

My husband and I feel stressed and don't know what we should and shouldn't be allowing. They seemed to be hugging and kissing a bit and we both felt uncomfortable about this. 13 seems very young for all this and I don't want to be encouraging it too much although don't want to push them together by discouraging them from being together!!

What do I do? am I being a Do I need to set rules and boundaries for when they are together or does this seem too strict?

Please give your opinions on this. I feel like I've been on a rollercoster of emotions today. It's horrible seeing my baby girl growing up so fast. Just want to do what's right but sometimes it's so hard to know!!

Helppp!

 

[birdiex]

I wouldn't try and set too many boundaries, just make sure they aren't upstairs alone together or with the door shut, and try speaking to the boy's mum to make sure the same happens at his house, or she can't go there . Like you said, going to far with the rules will only push them together! Just keep a close eye

 

[holly2234]

I dont really have any advice from a parents point of view as my LO isnt here yet. But i definitely think youre doing the right thing by not allowing them upstairs. Also, if they're in your house you can see what goes on so it might be a good thing to keep him welcome if only for peace of mind. Sounds like she really likes him as she asked to bring him to meet you.
I dont think there should be "rules" as such. Set in stone rules might give them ideas they havent even thought of doing! But definitely guidelines they know not to cross that are put across to them in a more subtle way.

Good luck!

 

[izzywizzy]

Hi BirdieX, thank you for your good advice; very good point, I will definitely speak to his parents and check that we are consistant in our approach x

 

[izzywizzy]

Holly2234, thank you for your response too. I will continue to keep them downstairs (that's if he comes back, we might have ebarrassed him too much!

Wishing you well for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of your LO.

xxx

 

[Ozdust]

I believe that it all depends on the child.
In primary school I had friends with "boyfriends/girlfriends" at age 10, but all that involved was going to each others house to play (it was such a big thing to go to a boys house) and hugging.
Where as I didn't have a boyfriend until age 17.

I think 13 is a very normal age to start dating, though I agree with Birdiex, make sure there's boundaries and keep in close contact with his mother.

I don't have personal experience, but I know with some of my friends their parents did "family dates".
If she wants a boyfriend that's fine but when she wants to go on a date it's a family activity mini-golfing, bowling, games night, whatever you do as a family. It'll give you the chance to get to know him.
However make sure you give them some "alone time" sometime during the night. For example if you go to dinner let them sit by themselves, or if you're at home let them watch a movie in the family room but be doing work from somewhere you can see them without moving.

Hope that makes sense..

GL!

 

[midori1999]

I honestly think you might as well let them go upstairs, just keep popping in to ask if they want a drink or anything every half an hour or so, so they won't dare get up to anything in case you suddenly pop your head round the door.

Tbh, if they are going to 'do something' they will do it anyway, regardless of what restrictions you put on them and regardless of how much you watch them. I think the best way to avoid this is to have an honest chat with your daughter and also speak to her about the fact that age of consent is 16, why it is 16 and that anyone having sex has a risk of getting pregnant etc. and therefore why it is better to wait and what to do about contraception if she chooses not to wait. I know the thought of your daughter even kissing is awful, but 13 year olds think they are so much more grown up than they are and if you can build an honest and open relationship with her then hopefully she will at least talk to you.

My son is 15 and has been with his girlfriend for a couple of years and she is a year older than him, so we've had to deal with all of this. It's no fun, is it?

 

[lozzy21]

I agree with midori, You might as well let them go upstairs. You dont need a bed to have sex and if they are going to do some thing they will find a way.

Show her you trust her and when she does decide to do something (hopefully not for a few years) she will be more likely to trust you back.

 

[ouchwithNo.2]

when I was 14 I had my first boyfriend - he was 14 also.
he used to come round our house and my mum and dad would allow him upstairs if the bedroom door was open...
if that door was shut there would be a firm knock on the door and no waiting for a reply, straight in and mum / dad saying - please keep the door open.
it made us giggle but yes, rather red faced.
when I used to go to his house his mum and dad were always at work and his much older siblings - 18 / 20yrs I think, didn't care.
we got up to all sorts (apart from that - I kept that until I was 18!)
to this day I am not sure if his parents knew I was there but I do believe that kids will find a way if they want to but at 13yrs yes, I think you are right wanting to set some basic groundrules without being 'boring' and ensuring that the lads parents know and are consistent will def help.
I was never allowed bf to stay over at mum and dads when I was 17 / 18yrs in my room, but it was different for my brother and that wasn't fair!

 

[Pixxie]

I think the best thing to do would be the have an honest chat with her about boys, sex and how theres no rush to do anything even if she is being pressured by her boyfriend. Like others have said if they want to do things they will, the best thing for her is to be informed and to know she can talk to you about anything without you being mad at her. xxx