Here or there...? Unusual Situation

[britican]

Hi all,

This is my first post here but I have been reading, and reading, and reading... probably too much (the pile of washing and students' exams would attest to that fact!). I have - what I consider to be - a pretty unusual life situation so I thought I would open it up and see what advice or perspective you lovely ladies might be able to offer.

I am British but have been living in Mexico for three years now. I teach in a lovely school, live in a beautiful place and have a wonderful boyfriend. Of course, I am here because we are expecting our first baby in early-mid July of this year. We feel incredibly blessed and excited but of course the logistics aren't quite so simple.

There has been a lot of upheaval already in this pregnancy. My boyfriend got a new (much better) job which took him back to his home state (also here in Mexico) at the beginning of this month. I have stayed on in our previous city as I am working in a school and wanted to stick around as long as I felt able to. I am going to join him in the middle of May. Physically I could have lasted longer but I miss him a lot, we don't have the strongest support network here (we moved here a year ago, it's not his hometown and of course it certainly isn't mine!) and I felt that giving two months' notice was fair in terms of my job. He moved at the start of April and still hasn't been able to find a suitable place for us to live - he is staying with an uncle at the moment - which is getting stressful as my time remaining here ticks away, and of course being apart is difficult. Of course I don't want to sound like a whiner, I know there are far worse situations and I am counting my blessings.

The issue comes with where to have the baby. Like I said, I am moving to join him in a little over 3 weeks. I have been seeing a great OB here but of course the time is coming to find a new one. It's not like home where there are midwives etc so I guess it's a little more impersonal, but I am a pretty private person (in this respect) so I guess maybe that formality has suited me quite well - incidental as it is! We are moving to a pretty small city, which has hospitals but is not a bustling metropolis with all the latest tech etc. Of course women have babies there all the time, so I am not saying it's a one-horse town where they lie you down on a bed of straw or anything like that!

We have two choices with regard to having the baby: in the town where we are going to be living, or in my boyfriend's hometown which is 2 1/2 hours' drive away.

Option 1: Give birth in our new town.

I won't know the exact situation with either doctors or hospitals/clinics until I get there in three weeks. My boyfriend is useless at scouting out such things... well that's a little cruel, he has a lot on with his new job and looking for a suitable home for his family-to-be. But of course there are doctors and there are facilities where I would be able to give birth just fine. Part of me wants to have the baby there, although again we don't have the support network etc. To be honest the only place I DO have the support network is the (third party) town where we met, it's pretty close to his hometown (which is Option 2) but I don't know if those links being nearby is enough to sway the decision. If I have the baby in the town we move to, my boyfriend will for sure be able to be there for the birth, I will be able to go home to "my house" - when we have it haha - and he will be able to spend his paternity days in our house settling us in. Mexican paternity leave is a generous three days, nice work if you can get it, right? Anyway three days are better than no days, which was what I thought we were initially facing.

Option 2: Give birth in his hometown.

Advantages: The hospitals are GOOD (though expensive, it makes you have really kind thoughts about the NHS when you start living somewhere where every scan, measurement etc has a price... of course it is worth it a million times over, but it makes your perspective change!). I do have one good girlfriend who lives there, and another who lives about 45 minutes away, I know they would visit me. His family are there, I would stay with them and I know they would do anything for me (well for their son and grandchild really, but I am an extension of that haha... under no illusions here!). His family and friends will be able to see the baby.

Disadvantages: The idea of getting "stuck" there. If - God forbid - things didn't go smoothly, I am going to be away from my "home" for an indefinite amount of time. While I love his parents and they are so kind-hearted, they are not my parents, I am worried I will feel trapped in his family home. I realise this may sound immature and stupid.

If I decide upon this option, of course I have to "move" there temporarily before my due date. I can't be transported 2 1/2 hours when I go into labour, right? How long before is the subject of a great debate. My boyfriend wants me to go there for the entire 9th (well, 10th, technically... let's just say "last") month, I say the week before my due date if nothing starts to shift beforehand, his mom says two weeks. I am so grateful they would be willing to have me but it's kind of awkward. They don't speak English, my Spanish isn't the best, I know it will be kind of fractured. Of course I will give my best effort but it isn't the same as being with people who speak your own first language. This sounds pathetic, I realise. Also, it would mean that my boyfriend would stay in our new town, 2 1/2 hours away, and would only travel there when it was sure I was in active labour. Sounds harsh but he has to work, his employees aren't monsters but y'know... work is work.

I have become really "chipilona" - as they say here - during pregnancy. I want to be with my SO all the time, even I get annoyed with the way I feel sometimes ;-) I don't know how well I will cope with being away from him, especially as we are already doing that at the moment and I am seeing the date three weeks from now as the END of all this stress and separation.

Like I said, my boyfriend gets three days of PL, so after those three days I would hope that - if we decide to have the baby in his hometown - we would all be able to make the trip back "home". I am not sure how I will feel having just given birth, but I know I will want him around. I just know how I am with him and how "we" function.

Any thoughts on this? Should I get over my feeling that I might feel awkward in their home? Friends I have talked this over with have told me that I'm nuts... I could be living with a family of Zograb-speaking aliens in the last weeks and not care, I will be totally self-absorbed. I guess maybe that is true, but I am worried that I might feel down that I am not at home feathering my own nest. Is that selfish? Maybe it is better for the baby to go to the support network and get over my own (slight) feelings of discomfort?

I understand this is quite disjointed and hard to understand! If I can clarify anything for anyone, of course I will. What would you do in a similar situation? Anyone ever been in a similar situation? I realise it probably isn't "common" ;-)

This is the only thing that has EVER made we wish I wanted to have a caesarean. They are so common here in Mexico that they make up over 60% of births (just a little fact for you there) and are really pushed by doctors and hospitals which does not sit well with me (efficiency and $$$-related, apparently). If I was having a caesarean I would know "when" and everyone could book time off work blah blah etc. Of course I will not opt for that but I do understand the attraction, especially in this particular situation. I am away from my family and my "old" friends so I am really reliant on the fact that "mi amor" is going to be by my side when I give birth to our baby. Arrrrghhh! Stress! ANY advice, thoughts, input are welcome.

If you made it to the end you deserve a drink... unfortunately not exactly an option for us at the moment!

 

[lilesMom]

we could postpone our drink till after
im not sure hon, dont discount r feelings in all this, i really dont think u r being silly for wanting to have ur own space at this time, i would feel kinda weird if i was with OH family for birth, i know they r lovely but i think im gonna want everyone bar Oh to feck off and leave me alone but if my choice was possibly being alone or havin OH family as support for last few weeks, i wul def pick OH family.
if u stay with OH will he be around in same town as u but just be working by day?
if this is the case and it wa sme i would stay with OH.
could u go see new hosp where Oh is to maybe put ur mind at ease about it?
im not sure how health system is there, are they all similar or do they vary by a lot?
hugs hon, it is hard time emotionally anyway and hard choice to make but whatever u decide, u will have lovely baby cuddles soon to look forward to

 

[Mum2BKW]

I say see the hospital in your new 'home town' before making a decision. if you really don't like it, go stay with his parents - I'm sure they'll do everything they can to make you feel comfortable. I'm sure your other friends will come see you no matter where you are!

 

[Jay91]

That is a tricky one! Do you not have a gut instinct about what you would rather do?! My OH's parents are lovely but I would lose my bl**dy mind if I had to live with them! Haha x

 

[Anthrogirl]

What a pickle!! I don't have a whole lot of advice, but I am 2500 miles away from my family and my OH's family. We had baby #2 4 years ago and baby #3 is due in the first week in June, so I can imagine some of your struggles, but I can't imagine being away from support for #1. Having lived in Latin America (Nicaragua) and being a little familiar with Latin American culture, I would seriously consider giving birth in your boyfriend's hometown. At least this gives you a support network to help with everyday stuff, the trials of being a new mother, and your own physical recovery! Whatever you decide, good luck! What a grand adventure!!

 

[britican]

Gracias chicas I really appreciate your taking the time to read and reply to my disjointed, crazy ramblings.

we could postpone our drink till after
im not sure hon, dont discount r feelings in all this, i really dont think u r being silly for wanting to have ur own space at this time, i would feel kinda weird if i was with OH family for birth, i know they r lovely but i think im gonna want everyone bar Oh to feck off and leave me alone but if my choice was possibly being alone or havin OH family as support for last few weeks, i wul def pick OH family.
if u stay with OH will he be around in same town as u but just be working by day?
if this is the case and it wa sme i would stay with OH.
could u go see new hosp where Oh is to maybe put ur mind at ease about it?
im not sure how health system is there, are they all similar or do they vary by a lot?
hugs hon, it is hard time emotionally anyway and hard choice to make but whatever u decide, u will have lovely baby cuddles soon to look forward to

If I stay with OH in our new town he will be there, he works 7am - 5pm but he won't be travelling during the first few weeks and after that he only takes overnight trips at the longest (and within the same state, so taking him 4 hours away at the longest... unlike the old days when he used to be driving all over the Southwest of the US). Obviously as it's my first baby I am finding it really hard to judge whether I will be fine by myself all day... especially at first. I feel like during my pregnancy I have become very private and insular (which I would never have been accused of beforehand!) which is what makes me want to just be with my OH and the baby - then my parents for a week or 10 days when they visit (baby will probably be around 2-3 weeks old at that point, still figuring out exactly when they will come). But maybe I am doing the baby a bad turn, and I should be grabbing all the help I can wherever and whenever I can.

I will have the baby in a private hospital, so they are all much of a muchness. I need to visit ALL of these hospitals but that will happen when I have made the move in mid-May. Like I said, they are largely similar, so it doesn't make a huge amount of difference. They are businesses so offer high-quality care, the best amenities etc, the thing that must make the big difference is the doctor I guess.

As soon as I get to the new city I will be on top of seeing what is on offer there. There is a doctor at my OH's work who he plans to ask for a recommendation/info, but they keep sending him elsewhere on training days whenever she is in the plant. Typical. When I get there of course I will be able to really light the fire under his you-know-what and make sure we find out everything.

Whether it is here or there I assume the hospitals will be pretty similar, though of course I need to see that with my own eyes. I am the kind of person who tries to keep plain sailing and not rock the boat, but I know this is a time in my life when I need to be demanding and feel comfortable.

Thanks so much for the advice and support, it's so helpful. Thank you!

I say see the hospital in your new 'home town' before making a decision. if you really don't like it, go stay with his parents - I'm sure they'll do everything they can to make you feel comfortable. I'm sure your other friends will come see you no matter where you are!

Thank you, I will check out the hospital(s) in the new town. If they seem good do you think that is enough to sway it? What I am really wondering - and I see you're a first-time M2B so maybe you don't feel like you can answer this personally - is whether I will cope if I stay at home with my OH there in the evenings and at weekends. I mean, new mothers do that and survive, right? Not everyone has a flock around them... though of course it is far more common. Hmmm. My friends are great so they will visit, it's just a little side benefit being closer I suppose!

That is a tricky one! Do you not have a gut instinct about what you would rather do?! My OH's parents are lovely but I would lose my bl**dy mind if I had to live with them! Haha x

My gut instinct says stay with OH. But I guess I have two instincts which are contradicting each other (or does that mean I don't have an instinct? Haha) which are a) my personal emotional feelings of wanting to be around OH as much as possible and b) feeling like maybe the baby will be better off with other people around too. Argh. I don't know them THAT well due to the language barrier and the fact that we just haven't spent that much time with them in the past year or so, but I know they would do anything they could to help and would be horrified to think I was uncomfortable or worried about staying there. Mexican hospitality is renowned and of course everyone knows the saying "Mi casa es tu casa" which is absolutely true regarding people's attitudes here... but maybe my British stiffness (which I never realised I had until I moved to Mexico) is a little at odds with that. Then again, maybe this is the chance to build some really close relationship with them. Not that that's the priority, but I suppose it might be a nice "side effect". Of course it could always go the other way

What a pickle!! I don't have a whole lot of advice, but I am 2500 miles away from my family and my OH's family. We had baby #2 4 years ago and baby #3 is due in the first week in June, so I can imagine some of your struggles, but I can't imagine being away from support for #1. Having lived in Latin America (Nicaragua) and being a little familiar with Latin American culture, I would seriously consider giving birth in your boyfriend's hometown. At least this gives you a support network to help with everyday stuff, the trials of being a new mother, and your own physical recovery! Whatever you decide, good luck! What a grand adventure!!

Thanks, it's good to hear from someone who is in a similar situation (with regard to the far away aspect anyhow). We are thousands of miles from my family and hundreds from his, so while his are accessible it's still not the same as being in the same town as either of them. I'm sure you know all about this. Can I ask, just out of nosiness really, why you moved to what I am guessing is a "third party" country? Jobs, lifestyle... of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to as it is hardly relevant!

I know I am asking a lot of myself - and OH too - for our first baby. I have really varying thoughts about this, sometimes I think I will be hunkydory "by myself" and have all these puffed-up Superwoman thoughts and other times I worry that I might be a wreck. My own mum is a little worried about this as she suffered from 'baby blues' with all three of us and was in a similar situation (she and my dad moved from their home countries - Ireland and Scotland respectively - when she was pregnant with my eldest brother, not quite these distances but in those days it probably felt like it!). She thinks I might feel very deflated - mentally as well as physically haha - after the birth and need people around me. But then again, not being best chums with my "MIL", it might not be that much help for me to be with her. I have this overwhelming feeling I will want to be with my OH, as that is the way I feel now, though it's scary because I obviously have no past experience of any of this!

You are absolutely right that the support network is invaluable, especially as this is my first child, and my OH's mum, aunts etc are all eager for me to be there, so this is why I feel so conflicted. I am trying to work through my feelings but I suppose once I have done the logical things like seeing all the hospitals, meeting my new potential doctor(s) then I might feel better-equipped to make what I consider to be the emotional part of the decision.

Thanks again to all of you for listening (reading) and giving your opinions. I know sometimes we feel like our advice is not really relevant or we can only offer conjecture but to be honest - that is what I want! It's great to have a sounding board (how impersonal does that sound?) of such understanding and caring ladies! I hope all your pregnancies are going wonderfully and continue to do so.

 

[zorak]

I think I too would opt for the new town. I'm also thousands of miles from both our families - from Scotland live in San Diego. Our friends here have been invaluable support to us, just knowing if something happens I have people to call is a big thing to me. Only my Mum is coming out for 2 weeks a month after baby is born so we are very much on our own. It's not something I ever imagined experiencing during my first pregnancy but I feel stronger for it.

 

[CIM]

Can your MIL come to your house for a week, to help you out? That way you also get into the swing of things in your own home.

 

[Mum2BKW]

I say see the hospital in your new 'home town' before making a decision. if you really don't like it, go stay with his parents - I'm sure they'll do everything they can to make you feel comfortable. I'm sure your other friends will come see you no matter where you are!

Thank you, I will check out the hospital(s) in the new town. If they seem good do you think that is enough to sway it? What I am really wondering - and I see you're a first-time M2B so maybe you don't feel like you can answer this personally - is whether I will cope if I stay at home with my OH there in the evenings and at weekends. I mean, new mothers do that and survive, right? Not everyone has a flock around them... though of course it is far more common. Hmmm. My friends are great so they will visit, it's just a little side benefit being closer I suppose!

When you ask about whether you will be able to cope, you are obviously a pretty independent lady - moving to Mexico is not a small step! I reckon you can cope with a new baby no problem, and if you do find it tricky I'm sure you will always have the option of going to stay with his parents for a while if you decide you do want the support (or ask them to come and stay with you for a while so you don't have to travel with LO). Have confidence - you know more than you think you do. And in your new town there might be mothers groups that you can join and get some local support that way?

I'm sure it'll be hard work but go into it as prepared as you can be and believe that you will be a great Mum - don't start off doubting yourself. You will be brilliant!

 

[lilesMom]

i agree with mumtobeKw, i think u be fine on ur own, i have family near me but i think i plan on tellin um stay away for few days im gonna try bf and i want peace and quiet while im gettin the hang of it and gettin the hang of lookin after my baby. like u say lots of new mums dont have a posse and cope just fine xxx hope u feel good about which choice u do make hon xxxx
u would still have Oh every nt and if u feel overwhelmed u can change ur mind and go to inlaws then

 

[britican]

zorak - I empathise. I never imagined I would be having my first baby in these circumstances. Of course none of it is "bad" but it certainly isn't what I would have predicted for myself. That said, if I hadn't come here and started this life I would never have met this wonderful man or be having this anxiously-awaited baby. So it is all worth it! I wish we had a network in this new town but maybe that will come with time. We'll see. I wish you all the best with the remainder of your pregnancy

CIM - I imagine the MIL will come after the birth. That will depend on how I "cope" I guess, as she is only 2 1/2 - 3 hours away so that could be decided on a same-day kind of basis. Like I said at first I feel this intense need for privacy so at the moment I feel like I wouldn't even want her to come and stay for any long-term period BUT I know I may do a complete U-turn on that when the baby arrives. Thank you for reading and your advice, I really value it!

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mum2BKW, it is greatly appreciated! I hope I will do half as good of a job as you say Mexico is pretty different to home in terms of mother-and-baby groups etc, it's more common that mothers of kids of similar ages just get together at someone's house. So I will try to break into one of those circles somehow. Certainly as baby gets older and socialising becomes more important. That is yet another worry I have, but hey... one stress-out at a time, right? Again, I really appreciate your kind words!

Finally, lilesMom, you are right that I will still have OH in the evenings and can always change my mind about having his mother come to stay (or even going there, if I so wished) so I should be fine. I hope I feel good about the decision I make, too, but whatever I decide I'm sure I will muddle through. When I think about my own parents - who had a vaguely similar situation - and other friends I have who live abroad, well, I know it can be done. Just a little added extra challenge I guess. Nothing to be afraid of (I hope!). Thank you again for taking the time to respond!

 

[lilesMom]

u will do great babe, dont worry xxxxx
we r all new to this and wil do the best we can and our Little ones will love us for it xx if we make small mistakes they will be too small to remember hee hee

 

[Anthrogirl]

Thanks, it's good to hear from someone who is in a similar situation (with regard to the far away aspect anyhow). We are thousands of miles from my family and hundreds from his, so while his are accessible it's still not the same as being in the same town as either of them. I'm sure you know all about this. Can I ask, just out of nosiness really, why you moved to what I am guessing is a "third party" country? Jobs, lifestyle... of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to as it is hardly relevant!

After I finished my undergrad degrees I packed up my first daughter (5 yrs old) and my relatively new OH (living together for 5 months, although we'd been friends for years) and moved from Calgary, Alberta, Canada to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to do my MA. From there we moved to a small town just north of Lexington, Kentucky for the PhD where we remain today (still working on the Doctorate). I wish it was for a better job. My Hubby is a blacksmith, so every time we relocate he has to start his business all over again. As for myself, as a PhD candidate, and sometime contract consultant, I've had to find work in the horse industry to make ends meet. Que sera, sera! The secret to being far away from fam is to network yourself into a group of others that can help you out. After all, human being s are social animals. We're not meant to go this route on our own!