Hey, New On Here and Need a Little Bit of Advice Regarding FOB >_<

[TrOuBLe]

Hey girls XD I'm new on here, and seeing as everyone seems really lovely and supportive, I thought I'd ask for your opinions/advice on the situation with my FOB.

I'm sixteen, seventeen in December (a month after my baby girl is due XD), and 32+ 3. The FOB is twenty, a complete and total scrounger/asshole/ cheating man-whore/liar/alcoholic waste of space -take your pick, he's had plenty worse said about him, and not without good cause either XD- who has messed me about unbelievably the whole way through my pregnancy.

We started going out in January 2010. I'd just left an abusive relationship which ended because I had a miscarriage, and was probably too emotionally messed up and vulnerable to get involved with someone new, in hindsight, but the FOB seemed like he was just a really genuine, lovely, caring guy who wanted to take care of me... little did I know the truth .
Anyhow, I wound up pregnant in February, after having been told by a doctor at the hospital when I had the miscarriage that the chances were I wouldn't be able to conceive again. FOB seemed delighted at the time... and then the excuses started. He'd ignore my texts for a week, wouldn't answer the phone, would make excuses about why he couldn't come down and spend any time with me (he lives in a different town... at the time, he told me he was busy working, but I later found out it was because he was cheating on me with god knows how many other women...). Then, a few weeks later, he texted me saying he "wanted to be single." No reason, no explanation, nothing. Obviously I was upset, but I could have dealt with that if he hadn't started acting like i didn't exist.

In August, after four months of ignoring me completely, he got in touch and said he wanted to sort things out with me. So, i went up to his place so we could talk things out. He told me he'd stopped drinking and that he'd changed and all this other stuff, and got down on his knees and begged me to come back to him. Stupidly, I did. Everything was fine for two weeks. He finally told his family, smoothed things over with my mum, and I honestly believed he'd changed.... and then the excuses started. I'd promised myself before I got back with him that I wouldn't take any crap from him this time round, so i didn't just let it lie like i would have before, and of course, he didn't like that, so he wound up leaving me again, and breaking all of his completely empty promises in the process.

Two days later he was "with" another girl (i.e, buttering her up to use for sex) and telling her that the baby wasn't his. I found out from a few of his now-ex mates that he actually has ANOTHER daughter who he's never seen or paid any attention to in the three years she's been alive. She lives at the other end of the country. So, I decided to set FOB's latest conquest straight as to his character and the truth about things. She left him as soon as I told her, and we're now actually quite good friends XD

I suppose what i'm saying, is... his friends told me after we broke up that they didn't think he'd bother much with the baby- and that was BEFORE we found out that he has a three year old daughter who he's never seen or paid a penny for in child maintenance. So what makes my child any different? Should I give him a chance to be part of her life, knowing from experience that in all likelihood, he'll only let her down and confuse her and hurt her? Or should I just tell him to stay out of our lives before he messes up again? What do you think?

 

[Kmar14]

wow im really sorry to hear about all he has put you through...
I really dont think he deserves another chance and your baby deserves better than that.
Legally he has to pay you child support and if i was you i would make sure to get it.
I really hope that your family is supportive of you.
Just remamber that the baby is the number one priority and someday you will find a guy that treats you and your child right!
Good luck girl!

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

First, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Tbh, he sounds like a prick and unfortunately he probably won't treat your daughter any differently. But, with that said, I'd still give him the option of seeing her at YOUR house or out in public somewhere. As long as he's not violent, of course. Then if he doesn't show or make an effort you can always say you tried.

Unfortunately my situation didn't leave me with that option. My FOB is a horrible, violent, manipulative person and the cops ended up getting involved. He will never see my daughter and she will never know more than I tell her about her father. It kills me that she'll never have the option to see him, but I know it's what's best for her. I'd rather have her alive and without him then be burying my baby because of that dirtbag.

So I'd advise you, if you can, to leave the ball in his court when it comes to seeing her. As long as it's safe. If he bails on her when she's only a baby she won't remember.

ETA: I would NOT go back to him though. He doesn't treat you right, and regardless of the fact that his sperm helped make that child that is no reason to stay with someone.

 

[vinteenage]

Oh honey, you've had it rough. However, I was really happy to read through your post and see that you realize how much he screwed with you and that your not looking to get back with him.

I wouldn't reach out to him regarding it. Tell him when your due date is and what hospital you plan on going at. He can call in and find out if your there if he really wants to. Put him on the birth certificate so you can get child support. Also, if he's paying child support he has the right to request visitation rights. Make him reach out to you and her, not the other way around.

 

[TrOuBLe]

Thanks for replying, everyone.... Advice is much appreciated XD

See, the thing is, while I personally am prepared to give him a chance to be part of my little girl's life, he never lives up to anything he says. There have been sporadic periods of time where we've been speaking during my pregnancy, and every time I mentioned a scan or a MW appointment, he swore he'd be there... needless to say, he never showed up.
My mum has been incredibly supportive- she's bought everything for the baby and she's spent a fortune. He's bought nothing- not even a cuddly toy. The thing is, she completely depises him. i don't hate him or feel bitter or anything- I'm just disappointed in myself for not making a better choice when I intially got with him, and for being naiive enough to believe every word he said. My mum, on the other hand, would be a hell of a lot quicker to call him all the £!!@*&'s under the sun XD So there's a lot of pressure from her to not let him anywhere near the baby, and I'm living with her until I get my own place sorted out, so I can't really go against her wishes as regards who is and isn't allowed in her house.... my mother is one scary little woman when she's pissed off, lmao.

If I had my own place and he actually bothered, I wouldn't have a problem with giving him a chance. But i know he'll want the baby up at his house, and I won't be able to afford to keep myself, my daughter and a home running and still have money left over to go up to his place once a week (besides which, he lives literally in the middle of nowhere, doesn't drive, and doesn't know anything about babies). I want to do what's best for my little girl... I just don't want to see her hurt like I was.

 

[FayDanielle]

Hey hun
Welcome to BnB!!

Im so sorry you've had a shitty time with FOB, it hasnt been an easy ride for me either, but nothing compared to what that dirtbag has put you through!

If I was you, Id give him the chance to be involved in your daughters life....ONE chance only.
Make it very aware to him that once he screws up, hes screwed up for good.

My FOB wasnt very involved until a short while ago, but we've been getting on alot better recently. He knew all along if he wanted to be involved he could be, I wouldnt stop him being around...on MY terms.
and he knew from the start, screw up...and hes f*cked basically!
I wont have anyone making false promises to my girl, as Im sure you won't do the same.

If you ever wanna chat, just send me a PM
xx

 

[MissMamma]

Hey! :wave: welcome to BnB

Im so sorry he's put you through all this shit hun. Men can be dicks. If i was in your shoes i would give him one chance [i know he's had chances already] but make sure he knows this is it this time. That if he wants to be involved in his baby's life he has to step up and if he doesn't, cut him off. Completely. Its no good you making empty threats just as it isn't any good him making promises.

You have your prioritys exactly right and you'll put your LO first so just stay strong and never forget its not just about you, its not even about you and him, its about your child

Good luck, and i really hopes he decides he wants to be a part of things

Oh and i think you're due the same day as me

 

[Desi's_lost]

Hey, welcome to BnB!

I dont think there is much to add, you're so strong for not resenting him and being okay on your own. It sounds like you have your priorities straight and everything. I don't think i'd worry too much about issue's between him and your mom, from what you said, I doubt he's really going to show up a lot. there would be more hope if he wasn't so ignorant of his first child but seeing he already has a record of not being there..i doubt he'll change any this time around.

Other than that, best of luck with your little one!!

 

[Tanara]

I am a firm believer in children having the right to know both parents, this is my personal opinion growing up without my mom because she made some mistakes, and also seeing my little brother grow up without his dad. I think no matter how bad of a person the parent is they have a right to see their child if they want to. Its not like you have to let him take your LO for weekends but supervised visits with you and you mom or something. This is just my opinion don't take it as me being rude at all i just am strongly for your child having to opportunity to know their parents.

I resented my father for a long time and a part of me still does for not allowing me to know my mother and make my own choices on weather i wanted her to be apart of my life or not. I know he was doing it with my best interest in mind but I will always feel it was unfair. I know my mom made allot of mistakes, but i also know my mom beat herself up everyday for not being there and she admitted to me if she thought there was a chance she would have been able to see me she would have changed, but since she knew there wasn't a chance she continued to do stupid things mainly to ease the guilt of being a fall down mom.

I will always let both the fathers of my kids and their family's be apart of my children's lives even if i don't agree with the life styles they live. Because one day down the road i may not be in a situation to have my children and i would expect the same back.

I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like this, my sons FOB treats me like shit, owes me over $700 and never buys anything for my son, but i still let his mom take our son every second weekend, and he stays with her and our son on those days. My son loves his father and i would feel terrible if i didn't allow them to have a relationship. One day my son will make his own choices, and may choice to want to live with his father, and there will be nothing i can do about it but support him. He may also choice to hate his father for whatever reason, but its a choice only he can make, its not my right to make that choice for him.

 

[Sophiiie]

hey :wave: welcome to bnb & congrats on your pregnancy
the first thing I wanted to say is that for your age, you sound so mature & you really have your head screwed on, I can't say that i'd have had this approach when I was 16!
as many of the other girls have said, i'd suggest giving him a chance while your little girl is young, because if he starts coming & going when she's older then that's when it's going to have an effect on her.
I hope he does the right thing xx

 

[18singlemom2b]

oh my god, i can relate to this in so so many ways.

i'm almost 10 wks and was with FOB for 7 months, he told me he wanted me to get pregnant. there was a chance i couldn't conceive as well, i had a previous miscarriage when i was younger. once i did get pregnant, he wasn't there for me at all. he totally let me down.

we were still speaking on and off for about a month, i found out about my pregnancy quite early. but he's so unreliable, one minute he's saying he will be there financially and emotionally. the next he's telling me the idea of having a child with me makes him want to kill himself. so it's always a different story every day.

honestly, i really truly believe that you are best trying to tackle this one on your own. that's what i've decided to do. my unborn child is so precious, and is already an angel to me, it doesn't need to be hurt by his instability and his lies..his games. i know what kind of person he is and he will be nothing but a disappointment and just add more confusion and heartache to the whole situation. i believe that god will put the right man in my life, one day in the future, to be a loving caring perfect father to my child and i totally believe the same thing for you as well. since i can relate, if you ever want to message me and talk i'm here good luck, stay strong, you aren't alone

 

[18singlemom2b]

oh, i should probably add. your so blessed to have such a helpful mother. mine is there for me, but i truly doubt she will provide as much support as you've mentioned. your family loves you and is rooting for you. you don't need him. seriously. don't make the mistake of letting him continue to hurt you, and hurt your child.