Hi all - looking for similar peeps!

[KerryGold]

I don't know who to talk to about this. All my friends are either married with babies or single and I'm right in the middle. I think I might want to start TTC, but I'm nervous and DH is too freaked out to talk about anything properly.

I'm now 30 and he is 33 and we've been together 13 years (married nearly 4). We always said we would do everything the traditional way and we're now married and have a house (which we're getting to the end of refurbishing). We have both just got promoted at work, (with the pay rises to match) and have some debts to clear (car loans etc) - not much. I haven't yet finished my PhD which I was adamant had to be finished before the patter of tiny feet. Realistically this would take 3-6 months, but it's not within my control when I can start this. I am chasing it though.

It's just I always thought I wanted kids before I was 30 and now I am and DH still won't properly talk about it. I'm not really broody yet, but we want two I'm starting to worry time could start ticking away from us. DH's parents were married for 10 years and planning to adopt before he came along.

I came off the pill in February but we're not trying and I just generally feel confused about what I want and if/when DH will ever want it. All men are just kids at heart aren't they? My cycles seem to be all over the place (well very spread out) so I have resolved to start monitoring what my body is up to in the mean time.

The only thing that keeps me positive is that we were together for 9 years and knew we'd get married, but he always made out like it was a long way off until the day he proposed. He deffo does want kids just not yet he says... Maybe one day he will just wake up and decide to BD??!!!

Thanks for listening...

K x

 

[NatalieW]

Kerry welcome.

It is hard trying to find the right time to have a baby, there seems never the correct time.

Is there a reason why he doesn't want to talk about it, when you bring it up? Did you discuss coming off the pill and the contraception issue back in February??

 

[KerryGold]

there seems never the correct time.

Is there a reason why he doesn't want to talk about it, when you bring it up? Did you discuss coming off the pill and the contraception issue back in February??

We haven't had a serious talk about things in almost a year I would say. I say to him 'there'll never be the right time' but he's always going 'but I need to get promoted, you need to get promoted, we need to finish the house...' etc All things we have now done/nearly done.

He was talking about his big fat payrise over the weekend and I said 'what about babies???' and he said 'well I'd like to be earning more' and I said 'I don't want you to keep coming up with excuses' and he said 'I won't'.

I told him the end of last year I was coming off the pill (been on it for 11 years) and he didn't want me to, but accepted it was my decision and we've been using condoms since. I have told him I want us to have a proper conversation, but I can't bring myself to start it and he won't. The arrived over the weekend and I was actually sick (only ever happened to me once before) so am taking it as a good sign WRT my hormones...

I'm scared - and he's scaredier!

 

[NatalieW]

Kerry,

I don't know what to say really. I was broody well before OH, it was him who bought it up he's 6 years older than me.

My only advice is to tell him how you feel, openly he might respond. He might find it difficult bringing a baby into the world when you have him have lived jsut the two of you and it's never going to be just the two of you ever again.. If you don't face your fears they will keep eating away at you...

We're not going to have much money for a baby, but it's the right time for me and him. But we wanted to do the wedding first! Men are funny things, they know what they want but can't bring themselves to say it sometimes.

 

[doc123]

Kerry
Me and my hubby (of 2 months) have had so much conflict on when is or isnt a good time... the more it became a battleground the worse it got esp after 2 mcs... hes totally come around recently to the idea and still wttc officially although a bit naughty.. i think guys overlook the maternal drive you just cant switch off..


Talk to him and you will get a good middle ground agreement..

Good luck

 

[Jewels]

Hi Kerry, welcome!

Sorry, this is long and drawn out, but here goes!

I think many of the women on this forum can relate to "freaked hubby syndrome". This is a typical guy thing. I went through several years of the same kind of stuff with my husband before we finally agreed to start trying this year.

I started having baby fever (as my hubby calls it) about 4 years ago. I talked to him about having a baby. He said we could have one eventually, but at that point he just wasn't ready to give up our freedom, and being able to spend money on things we wanted. I understood and agreed that neither of us was probably ready to give up either our freedom or frivilous money spending.

Not long ago, we did an addition onto our house which cost a lot more than we expected, and of course the excuse then was that he wanted to be in a better position financially. Of course I agreed because I didn't want to be in over our heads either. So we've paid down a lot, and have both had several pay raises, and are still working on it, but I've also made him understand that I don't want to wait much longer due to possible fertility / birth defect issues when you hit 35. In addition there will never be a time when you will be 100% ready for a baby. He understood that.

Earlier this year, one day I just approached him and announced that I was planning on weaning off my antidepressant and shortly after stopping birth control to see what he had to say. To my surprise, he was ok with it! Deep down he knows he couldn't continue to make excuses, because we really are in a good place in our lives together!

They do come around, but sometimes it just takes a while and some persuading. Talk to him, let him know how you feel, and hopefully you'll get the result you hope for soon.

 

[Sambatiki]

Hi there

Welcome to the mad house!!!

There is never a perfect time to have a baby!!!

Have you suggested ditching the passion killers and seeing what happens?? I swear that men think that babies grow on trees pick one when youre ready!! Maybe its time to approach the subject again... try being quite casual about it???

Good luck hun



Kerry (yes another one!)

 

[Lazy Leo]

I was in a similar boat hun. I started to want to really want a baby when I was about 27. My hubby didn't want a baby until we were financially stable etc and generally just wanted ready. I fell into a pattern of not worrying if I forgot to take my pill - I wouldn't say I conciously chose not to take it, but I didn't panic if I forgot. I thought about stopping it but I couldn't decieve my hubby like that - I wanted a baby with him in a happy marriage and I didn't want to jeapordise that.

Anyway, eventually he did come round about two years later and we agreed to start trying this time last year. It breaks my heart now because it seems he wants a baby more than me sometimes - and I look back and smile, because I really did wonder if that day would ever come!!!

 

[Lucielou]

It is so difficult, i have been broody for almost 2 years, since turning 30 and getting married. My hubby wants kids but there always seems a reason to wait. I almost fell out of the bed the other day when he said we could start to try. Got a busy month ahead so we are going to start trying in september whilst on holiday, im excited and nervous all at once. Also Im dying to tell someone our plans but yet i want to keep it secret til im pregnant and all is ok.

 

[Reedy]

Hi Kerry
I understand where your coming from bcus DH is the same as yours. We have been together for 6 & a half years lived together for nearly 3 years & have been married for a month. He is fantastic with my nieces & they adore him but when i bought up the subject of TTC he said he wasnt ready which totally threw me I wasnt expecting that. I am trying so hard not to mention babies but I'm so broody at the moment, i have never felt like this before its quite scary. I've got to wait a few weeks for blood tests & what not & he said we'd talk about it after that so fingers crossed x
I think you should talk to him about it again & tell him your biological clock is ticking (even if its not) tell him how you feel & leave it with him.
I want DH to want this as much as me & dont want to force him into something he doesnt want at the minute so I'll just have to wait x

 

[porkpie1981]

just wanted to say hi and welcome

 

[jacobs mummy]

I think all men must have an on/off switch! My OH agrees one day that we can have another and then when jacob plays up or OH falls over a toys left on the stairs he screams "and you want another!"... I finished my pill packet yesterday and don't plan on taking any more! not trying till December as i have a girlie holiday booked... but at least i can get used to my cycle and then fingers crossed get my BFP in December! I think the less i mention babies the better he is. I know he thinks about it because every now and again he mentions it... (not always in a good way thou!) the more i bring the conversation up the more he pulls away!

h x

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

Although my situation is different to yours i can identify with the broodiness but the OH not being interested. I found that i just had to have a serious chat with my OH and i explain how i felt and he's now given me a rough date as to when he'd be happy to start ttc. Maybe if you can make your husband really see how you feel he may give you a time frame. Although to me it does sound as though you're in a pretty good position. x

 

[Chris77]

there seems never the correct time.

Is there a reason why he doesn't want to talk about it, when you bring it up? Did you discuss coming off the pill and the contraception issue back in February??

We haven't had a serious talk about things in almost a year I would say. I say to him 'there'll never be the right time' but he's always going 'but I need to get promoted, you need to get promoted, we need to finish the house...' etc All things we have now done/nearly done.

He was talking about his big fat payrise over the weekend and I said 'what about babies???' and he said 'well I'd like to be earning more' and I said 'I don't want you to keep coming up with excuses' and he said 'I won't'.

I told him the end of last year I was coming off the pill (been on it for 11 years) and he didn't want me to, but accepted it was my decision and we've been using condoms since. I have told him I want us to have a proper conversation, but I can't bring myself to start it and he won't. The arrived over the weekend and I was actually sick (only ever happened to me once before) so am taking it as a good sign WRT my hormones...

I'm scared - and he's scaredier!

Hi Kerry, I would definitely bring up the subject with DH again. It always seems like the wrong time to have a baby, "we'll have one when this or that happens, etc." You find that you are never really ready to start but when it does happen you find ways to make it all work. So, definitely bring up the subject with him again and tell him how important it is to you.

 

[KerryGold]

Hi girls,

Just thought I would update you... I kept on analysing how I felt and it clarified into 'I'm not quite ready yet, but don't want to leave it too long, whether I'm ready or not.'

I decided that maybe the New Year would be about right. Give us time to get used to the idea. I had a big chat with DH, telling him I'm not broody yet (because I'm honestly not), but that I worry about time and what will be best. I told him all sorts of stats and he looked a bit surprised - I think all men assume it's as easy as pie! I pointed out he'll be 34 in the New Year and that's a year from things starting to go downhill from his side!!!

I told him I want him to really think about it and that I want to discuss starting in Jan and he agreed. Not that we definitely will start immediately, but that we will agree a timeframe. We also discussed 'how' we would try and he is keen to really do it properly when we start rather than leaving things to chance. That is what I would like too and the fact he feels the same (without knowing my opinion first) makes me feel a bit happier.

Thanks for your suggestions and thoughts. It definitely spurred me into action!

It's also nice to know I'm not alone! I probably won't be around here too much, but will look in on you all, let you know if my body gets back to normal (whatever that is/was!) and keep you posted.

K x