hi, i'm new - please help xx

[mummy2jack]

Hi
I am new on here and have spent lots of time reading all your posts. You all seem very nice and helpul, wonder if you could help me....
Ok here goes.....me and partner been together on and off for 2 1/2 years. In the past when he had had a drink he would turn very nasty, even violent. a few times the last one was boxing day last year. He totally smashed the house up and ruined christmas. I said it was over but we kinda sorted it out then i found out i was pregnant on 16th Jan 2010. We decided to put every effort into us cos we both wanted the same things, happy family life etc. (he has 2 kids from revious relationship) Anyway he lost his driving licence 2 days after me finding out about pregnancy. I los my job the day after i told my boss (dont worry, i took them to court and got a reasonable settlement!) So to keep my partner from losing his job cos he needs to be able to drive to get to peoples houses, we said it made sense that cos i lost my job, i should drive him about. This was ok to start with until morning sickness became problem and i felt lousy all the time - sitting in a car for 8 hours a day was not helping matters and we ended up falling out. Things became really heated cos i said i didn't wanna drave him anymore and he kicked me out. he said if i wasn't willing to drive him then get out of his house. So i rang the homeless place and they sorted me somewhere to go. (This being the 3rd time he'd told me to leave his house) this time i was pregnant so had to do something. They sorted me a flat pretty quickly. We ended up tryin to srt things out again but then would fall out over stupid things. Some really hurtful things have been said for example when i was 3 months pregnant he said i should have abortion or best thing would be to fall and kill unborn baby. I forgave him AGAIN. I have forgiven him so many things. Writing my car off while i was driving it, smashing my house up twice, hitting me once, saying i am useless, horrible twisted person....so many horrible things but we just forget about it and carry on. I can be nasty to him at times too i'm not just blaming him . So anyway i got moved from the homeless place to a brand new beautiful house with 2 bedrooms just for me and baby. Partner had made comments bout me being a benefit mum and living in a flat and not bein able to cope bein a mum etc and i wanted to prove to him that i would make best for me anf baby etc. and i invited him round to see where his son would be living. We ended up trying to make another go. we fall out every other day nearly. i feel like i am the only one tryin to make it work. he not provided anything throughout pregnancy. we had a conversation other day about how much he contributing to jack. He says cos jack breatsfeeding he doesn't cost anything and only needs nappies. i stocked up on nappies throughout pregnancy so have only just had to start buying more. i feel like i have to beg him to go halves on a pack. We dont libve together, he stays at his the 3 nights he has his other 2 kids. i have totally tried to include his 2 at my house. when i first moved into this house it was for me and jack. i did his nursery perfect. to try get the happy family i let partner change it all round and put bunk beds in there for other 2 so they could stop here and maybe all live at mine one day. it absolutely devastated me doing that to his nursery i spent full day crying but i got om with it to try prove i wanted us to all be together. when we're good we are really fantastic. when its not its awful. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont feel like were in a partnership.I have had £30 off himsince jack born (he 8 weeks tomorro) his answer is that he has paid half towards the 2 lots of nappies and wipes i have bought. i tried explaining that there i sother stuff he needs, clothes cos he growig so quick, silly things like nappy sacks and oilatum, toys, just things that dont cost much but you still have to buy. He wont have it. he says he is not willingto give me a weekly amount of money cos we are a couple. He says he will go halves on clothes so i hav told him exactly what i have spent on lothes in last 2 weeks. I have mentioned it 3 times now and he still not give me anything. We're supposed to be in this together but i feel like im on my own. he says he has to pay for his house, so unless i wanna live with him at his then i'm on my own when it comes to bills, shopping etc. when we fall out he tells me to go to csa. should i just do it to save teh conversation aboutmoney all time. am i wrong for thinking he should do more? we fallen out again tonight over something stupid. he is wonderful when it comes to his other 2, pays maintenance, has them all the time usually 3-4 nights a week. i feel like cos jack is his 3rd he doesn't care the same. think he forgets he's my first. When jack born life was perfect for bout 2 weeks, then it went downhill again. i had an emergancy c section and had to start driving to try help him get his kids cos still no licence till last week. i ended up with an infection in my uterus not good. he wasn't sympathetic at all. i had to move furniture 3 weeks afterwards co h just left it everwhere before stormin off one day. he just not been like i thought or like he said he would be. i am breastfeeding which i love but he offers no support or sympathy if my back or nipples hurt or if i'm knackered. since the first 2 weeks we have not been talking every weekend except for 1. so we are living 2 lives really. if we gettin on we spend nearly every night together, if we not we wont talk for 3 days. i miss him when he not here but when he is we fall out. how much longer do you keep trying before you say enough is enough. Really sorry for long rant, prob missed important bits out too lol. i've prob painted a really bad picture now, sorry, like i said when its good we're amazing, its just a rare occasion now lol. please adisee. just to clarify there is no more violence, last episode was boxing day last year. no atmosphere for jack cos if we not getting on we in different houses anyway, i just want whats best and want to be happy

 

[sazzyb1985]

Hiya i'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time.I really think you've put up with more than a lot of people would.It really doesn't sound like he cares enough in my opinion.Do you feel that he does love you and your lo?It may be different with his 3rd but he should still really love, care for and support your lo.It seems you have given up so much and tried your hardest when it should have been him looking after you.Maybe you need to sit down and tell him how you feel about things and see how he sees things?You do need money from him maybe the csa is the right way to go.To be honest compared to you i didnt try at all.I just realised we wouldnt work out because we didn't have enough in common and i felt he didnt love me enough.You can't try anymore than you have so tell him how you feel and maybe he will see he needs to provide a lot more than he has.I hope things work out and you find happiness x x

 

[mummy2jack]

thanks for your reply. i have tried over and over to tell him how i feel. he takes it on board for bout an hour. like this week, ive told him i feel like there is no difference between us bein together and not. he said we need to act more like a couple. this lasted 2 days. he fell out with me over a packet of bloody cigs and ended the conversation by saying F%%k you in a very aggressive tone, then put phone down on me. i told him i'm sick of how he makes me feel and am not having it anymore so we're done (again). his reply was simply "cool"

i have no doubt in my mind bout bein able to raise LO on my own but i was in care when i was younger so all i ever wanted was a family of my own. i just dont know if its possible to have one with him anymore but i dont wanna let jack down

 

[sazzyb1985]

You wont be letting your lo down because he'll sense that you're happier without all the worries about your relationship and you'll be able to function better alone.Thats great you feel you can raise your little one alone. I know what you mean about wanting a family but our lo's will be fine with just their mums.Will his dad have much access?

 

[mummy2jack]

i would never stop him seeing him, despite him being a crap boyfriend, he does have the qualities of a good dad.(even if i am still waiting for him to show them towards jack) He has his other 2 for 3 nights a week. I dont agree with this. his older 2 sons end up in a different house every night. eg. mon wed fri with him, tues thurs sat with mum or nan. i said from day one that i wasn't prepared for jack to go through that. it may work for him and his ex but i am not up for that at all. He says he will just have him once a week then. I've said not just yet cos am breastfeeding
Even to do with that he shows more towards his other 2. He has fought loads with his ex to see boys as much as possible but whn it comes to Jack, he's not bothered and just says its up to me. Dont get him one little bit...

 

[sazzyb1985]

Maybe that is just because he is really young still and he knows you are still breastfeeding.In a way thats good he doesn't want too much access right now so at least your lo will have stability while he is so young and it will give you the chance to adjust to being a single mum.I'm sure things will get easier as Jack gets older.Do you think it is final now then?Do you feel any better now you've ended things again, like you can move on now?x

 

[mummy2jack]

he only wants hm once a week forever!! that fine with me tho cos i would miss jack too much. dont know about it being final cos we been here so many times before. i bet we have split up 8 times since jack been born. it cant be good. I feel like as long as i keep myself busy i will be ok but then on other hand, everytime i look at jack, i think your dad gave me you and your so wonderful that i am forever in his debt if that makes sense. When we are good we are soooo happy. just seems we are unhappy more than happy these days and if its gonna be just me and jack then surely its better to get used to it sooner rather than later?

 

[sazzyb1985]

Yes definitely.You dont owe him anything, i dont know the full story obviously but it sounds like he hasn't treated you well at all.It will be best for Jack now, you'll be happier and you get to make all the decisions affecting you both.Thats good you're happy with once a week, it is hard at the beginning but things will get easier x

 

[mummy2jack]

Thank you hun xx
i'm just gonna see what happens now, i expect an apology for yesterday and if he cant do that then i'm done. i deserve better than to be made to feel like i'm nothing, he should have a bit more respect for me and if not then he not the person i fell in love with. jack deerves stability, not going from seeing daddy daily and everything being happy to not seeing him for 3 days. So last chance salloon i reckon
Feel like a bloody broken record!! LOL