Hmmmmm.... Sisters wedding dilemma

[DonnaBallona]

My younger sister is getting married next year. She's 10 years younger than I am and I have 3 children- a nearly 7 year old girl, a nearly 6 year old boy and a 3 year old boy. The wedding is next year (2017).

So, dilemma...... Long story short, my sister has asked my daughter to be bridesmaid but has said she doesn't want pageboys so my two sons can't be involved. I'm feeling a little strange about this..... My children-particularly my older two- are extremely close, and I think my middle son will be very upset at not having any input or involvement when his sister has a starring role!

I totally, totally understand that weddings cost heaps (iv only been married 3 years myself!) and they aren't her children..... But it just doesn't feel right.

Any thoughts?

 

[suzib76]

If she has NO page boys I wouldn't have an issue with it, her wedding her choice sort of thing. But if she has other page boys and is leaving yours out I would be mighty pissed.

 

[lau86]

My brothers wedding my sons were 3 and 1 they wore a fancy outfit as did my SIL nephew who is the same age as ds2, they all looked adorable but didn't have a role as such. Would that be an option?

 

[george83]

If she has NO page boys I wouldn't have an issue with it, her wedding her choice sort of thing. But if she has other page boys and is leaving yours out I would be mighty pissed.

I totally agree with this point. Could you ask your sister if she'd mind you putting the boys in a coordinating suit (even if you end up paying for this) so that they at least look matching in photographs and this might make them feel better. I brought my nephews suits for my wedding from eBay - they were new with matching waistcoat and cravat for £20

 

[zorak]

Being honest I think you are totally out of line being upset. It's totally normal to pick a flower girl or page boys and not have the other siblings. Eg. My niece is my sisters flower girl but my nephew isn't involved in the wedding party. He hasnt batted an eye and realises not everyone can be involved - not just due to cost.

Maybe you just need to chat to your kids and explain it is a special treat for their sister and that they will still get to be dressed up but not be in the wedding party.

 

[Eleanor ace]

I wouldn't worry about it. I'd just explain (if your boys ask about it) that when people get married they have bridesmaids who stand up at the front and other people- including them, you, other family members- help them celebrate the special day by dressing up and sitting in the church/venue. She's not choosing not to have them, she's choosing not to have any page boys. If your boys do get upset about it you could make a big deal about choosing outfits for them, helping them to choose a special gift to give to the bride and groom, making a big deal abut them getting to stay up late at the reception etc.

 

[MumToEva]

I'm afraid I don't really get why you would be upset by this.

I can see why she chose your daughter and not your sons - it tends to be a bigger deal to little girls, and she is including your family in a special way without having to have the expense or the hassle of 3 young children to look after on the day.

My sister-in-law is getting married in 2 months - my 4 year old daughter is to be flower girl, but my 2 1/2 year old son isn't a page boy. I don't care either way - she could have one, both or neither, as long as we get to be there when she gets married.

 

[Larkspur]

I think it's the bride and groom who have the starring role, and perhaps its better to think of the bridesmaid role as a small service that your daughter can perform on your sister's special day, rather than something that's about her.

 

[DonnaBallona]

Ooh, sorry, I think I may have made myself misunderstood - I wasn't and am still not upset about this 'situation', I think one person assumed I was and the rest followed suit! I was more finding it a bit bizarre that someone (even if she wasn't my sister!) would single out one child out of 3 to be involved in their wedding. I guess because I would never dream of doing such a thing is why I find it strange?! My youngest has some serious medical issues so he wouldn't be able to be involved anyway, so it's just my middle boy who will wonder why he isn't walking with her.

I still think it's odd to choose one child out of a set of 3, I definitely would never do such a thing, but there we go, different strokes for different folks I guess!

 

[DonnaBallona]

I think it's the bride and groom who have the starring role, and perhaps its better to think of the bridesmaid role as a small service that your daughter can perform on your sister's special day, rather than something that's about her.

Sorry to pick on you larkspur, but this one really got me- I just want to correct you, I am fully aware that the bride and groom should have the starring role, and I disagree that suggesting someone should not select one child out of a group of 3 to be involved in something so huge is 'making it about her!'. She's 7, not 17, so has no idea I'm even thinking this- so this suggestion has grated on my nerves a little! I asked for thoughts on the subject, purely to see what others made of the situation too, i wasn't trying to convince a bunch of strangers that I think my sisters wedding day should be 'all about' my daughter instead of her, the bride!

Sorry to be a bit rude, but I felt your comment was a bit unfair.

 

[DonnaBallona]

I wouldn't worry about it. I'd just explain (if your boys ask about it) that when people get married they have bridesmaids who stand up at the front and other people- including them, you, other family members- help them celebrate the special day by dressing up and sitting in the church/venue. She's not choosing not to have them, she's choosing not to have any page boys. If your boys do get upset about it you could make a big deal about choosing outfits for them, helping them to choose a special gift to give to the bride and groom, making a big deal abut them getting to stay up late at the reception etc.

This is great advice, thanks Eleanor.

 

[Larkspur]

I think it's the bride and groom who have the starring role, and perhaps its better to think of the bridesmaid role as a small service that your daughter can perform on your sister's special day, rather than something that's about her.

Sorry to pick on you larkspur, but this one really got me- I just want to correct you, I am fully aware that the bride and groom should have the starring role, and I disagree that suggesting someone should not select one child out of a group of 3 to be involved in something so huge is 'making it about her!'. She's 7, not 17, so has no idea I'm even thinking this- so this suggestion has grated on my nerves a little! I asked for thoughts on the subject, purely to see what others made of the situation too, i wasn't trying to convince a bunch of strangers that I think my sisters wedding day should be 'all about' my daughter instead of her, the bride!

Sorry to be a bit rude, but I felt your comment was a bit unfair.

You described it as a "starring role"... I just feel that's overblowing the significance of what she will end up doing. She will obviously be part of the ceremony on the day and look pretty in a special dress, but she won't be as involved as bridesmaids usually are.

I think it was lovely of your sister to include your daughter in her wedding, but I just don't think it's strange to only include the oldest child. As you say, it would be hard for your youngest to be involved, so perhaps your sister decided not to invite your older boy to be part of it so as not to leave one child out.

And maybe that's not 100 percent "fair" but I think children need to learn that sometimes in life, one sibling gets a privilege that not everyone else gets, and that's okay. Sometimes it's their turn to get to do something special, and sometimes it's not. Perhaps your sons will be disappointed, perhaps they'll just accept it happily. I am sure the way you present it to them will influence how they receive it.

Either way, what was presumably meant to be a nice gesture towards your daughter seems to have been interpreted as a slight against your sons, which I'm sure is the last thing your sister had in mind.

 

[suzib76]

Ooh, sorry, I think I may have made myself misunderstood - I wasn't and am still not upset about this 'situation', I think one person assumed I was and the rest followed suit! I was more finding it a bit bizarre that someone (even if she wasn't my sister!) would single out one child out of 3 to be involved in their wedding. I guess because I would never dream of doing such a thing is why I find it strange?! My youngest has some serious medical issues so he wouldn't be able to be involved anyway, so it's just my middle boy who will wonder why he isn't walking with her.

I still think it's odd to choose one child out of a set of 3, I definitely would never do such a thing, but there we go, different strokes for different folks I guess!

Tbh I don't think anybody has 'followed' anything. I formed my opinion, albeit first, based on your post as I'm sure others did. The mere title where you refer to it as a dilemma indicates that you are not happy about it

I really don't see it as someone choosing one child from a set of 3. I just see it as someone choosing a flower girl. I'm sure it wouldn't even occur to a child to wonder why they are not part of the wedding party? He will see his sister walking with the bride and that's pretty much it.

 

[Rags]

Hi, I think I understand how your son might feel, my own son would put on a brave face but I know that he would be upset if his cousin was invited to be a bridesmaid for a family member and he wasn't given a special role. I wonder if you have considered making a bit of a role for him yourself? I'm sure he will be having a new outfit anyway, maybe a nice suit and an opportunity for him to present the happy couple with a nice gift (lucky horse shoe or such) after the ceremony as they leave the church. It means it's not a really formal thing but more spontaneous - he could go shopping and choose the gift. Both of your sons could present it together, you can get a nice photo for yourselves and the boys both get a 'special' moment with their aunt and uncle.

 

[x_WelshGirl_x]

I'm getting married next year. We are marrying in Cyprus and along with my sister (bridesmaid) and daughter (flower girl) we wanted our 3 neices and OH's cousins daughter also as bridesmaids and flowergirls. Our neices aren't going but OH's cousin and family are, we asked their daughter to be a flowergirl but their son doesnt have a part. Neither does OH's other cousins son or our nephews. The only pageboy we are having is our son.
It didn't really occur to me to ask the boys and to be honest, I dont really want to.
I do think people generally ask the girls to be bridesmaids/flowergirls more than asking boys to be pageboys. No one has mentioned anything to us. MIL might not be too happy as we havent got anyone in her side of the family but I'm not fussed about that (I am being selfish and want my son to stand out from his cousin lol)

 

[tommyg]

The words "you'll never please every so please yourself " is so true of weddings.

Whatever her reason its her choice. Could be her husband has nephews who also potentially warrant a role.

Tbh I had both my niece and nephew - he 5yo really couldn't have cared - my niece 9yo was so excited.

Your son can still "escort" his sister for the first dance and I would ask if its possible to get a family photo with the bride & groom.

 

[oliv]

At my wedding my niece is bridesmaid and our son and OHs Nephew are paigeboy.

I have 10 nieces and nephews in total. We cant involve them all so I picked my niece because she is my God Daughter and OH picked his nephew because he is his God Son.

It hasn't been an issue for anybody other than my SIL cause she is also bridesmaid and hates the thought of being dressed the same as her 11 year old daughter LOL

 

[jd83]

I don't think its strange at all for only one child to have been asked out of 3. The bride and groom are free to choose whoever they want when asking people to be in their wedding party, and honestly, I've seen this quite often where only 1 child is asked, not all in a family. Especially if there are multiple families they'd like to include in the party, but can't include every single person from every family. Your boys might get upset, or they might not. But you can try your best to present it in a way that has them feeling like they are doing something nice for the bride and groom too. Maybe let them carry the gift in for the bride and groom? Pick them out a nice outfit to wear too?

I'm in the US, and this is pretty common where I live. Maybe its different where you live? Anyways, from my own personal experience, this is not a strange custom, and many families face this same scenario with only one child being asked to be a wedding party.

 

[MummyMana]

Ooh, sorry, I think I may have made myself misunderstood - I wasn't and am still not upset about this 'situation', I think one person assumed I was and the rest followed suit! I was more finding it a bit bizarre that someone (even if she wasn't my sister!) would single out one child out of 3 to be involved in their wedding. I guess because I would never dream of doing such a thing is why I find it strange?! My youngest has some serious medical issues so he wouldn't be able to be involved anyway, so it's just my middle boy who will wonder why he isn't walking with her.

I still think it's odd to choose one child out of a set of 3, I definitely would never do such a thing, but there we go, different strokes for different folks I guess!

Is it a possibility that she chose to have no page boys so that your youngest with medical problems wouldn't feel like he was the only little boy who was being left out?

 

[Zephram]

I'm afraid I really don't see the problem, issue or dilemma here. I don't see why you think all of kids should be involved if one of them is. There's nothing unfair going on here in my opinion.