Hopeful limbo (crossed fingers)

[~BumpyRide~]

I was here with a BFP briefly in ’09, but had a m/c at 5-6 weeks (anembryonic pregnancy) and we’ve been trying for double lines since. A week ago I had a feeling we’d managed to plant a bean, so I popped back on here, heart all aflutter, the night before testing.

Saturday morning (the 14th) I got a big strong positive (1st response) in less than a minute… thrilled, thrilled, thrilled… but cautious too, so cautious that I hadn’t even posted the good news here, although I quickly made an appointment with my doctor. I’ve been beaming and giddy and clutching my pee-stick with joy all week long.

Then yesterday I woke at 4am and found stains on the tp. Not heavy, not bright red, but definitely something to be worried about, plus I was having cramping (maybe normal expanding uterus cramping, but maybe not). I went back to bed in tears, convinced I was starting to lose this one too. Heartstab.

I phoned the nurse line and spoke with a lovely lady who agreed that I should go to the clinic, but said not to lose hope - honestly I was so upset I forgot first trimester bleeding is fairly common, with me in particular - I bled in my first pregnancy and I have a shockingly healthy 5 year old. So… I pulled myself back from the brink of despair, took a deep breath, and headed to the clinic where I met with a nice little doctor man who was also hopeful but cautiously so. He said my bp was great, told me to take it easy and sent me off to check my hCG levels so when I do them again tomorrow we’ll have a comparison point.

So now I’m anxiously waiting. The staining continued for most of yesterday, and a wee bit this morning, but has since tapered off (thankyouthankyoupleasestaygone) and I still feel pregnant. I’m hopeful. I am… but I’m also sick with anxiety. We’ve been trying since 2008 and the hurdles have hurt… I’m so excited to be pregnant again, but so scared the doctor is going to tell me my levels aren’t high enough. I’m supposed to be 6 weeks as of Tuesday (around the same time as our last loss). It’s hard too that I haven’t had anyone other than dh to talk to about it, since nobody else knows.

Reading over the site (this section in particular) has done wonders to calm me, I really feel less alone. Honestly, I don’t know which is louder, the ticking of a biological clock or the one when you’re waiting to see if your new bean’s sprouting properly.

I’m hopeful everything will look good tomorrow; that I can think about starting up a belly journey journal instead of that worst wait for another ending. Thinking positive. I’m sending the best of all possible thoughts out to each and every one of you, whatever your current state is. Thanks for being out there. Cheers…

(That was terribly long, wasn’t it. I needed to clear my head.)

 

[bernina]

Congratulations on your BFP!!!

It's so hard after a loss to believe that you will stay pregnant this time. We all know how many things can go wrong, so it seems impossible that everything will go right.

Add in the spotting and it just feels like a kick in the pants when you're already in a very vulnerable state.

It sounds like you're in a good place, understandably worried about the spotting but realizing that it can be totally normal in a healthy pregnancy.

I hope you get great news tomorrow with your hcg numbers and get to see a strong little heartbeat at your first u/s (which I hope is soon!!)

Hang in there and know that you've crossed one of the biggest hurdles (actually GETTING pregnant) and now unfortunately the rest is out of our hands. I think pregnancy, especially the first trimester, is training for our future worry filled lives as mothers (which I'm sure you're already an expert in, being the mother of a 5 year old!).

 

[~BumpyRide~]

It’s been a harrowing day for the simple fact that I was bracing myself for bad numbers like last time, when we had tried so hard to get pregnant and were so hopeful but the numbers were so low it was obvious that it wasn’t going to be sticking around. The spotting started again today too, after some exercise, so maybe I should stick to gentle yoga for a bit. I was feeling so anxious when I went in.

The news was good at my appointment, a nice high 4731 at 5 weeks (I had tears I was so relieved), but still just a single hCG #, so now we wait for the telling comparative test results which should be in late tomorrow or Wednesday. I’ll be waiting by the phone. I’m just hoping so hard that they’ve gone up steadily.

And more good news, I’ve got a u/s booked for September 2, so pretty soon! Partly to check on oophorectomy scarring - right after we decided to try again (in 2008), I was hit with an evil twisty cyst / ovarian torsion nightmare and needed emergency surgery, lost my right ovary… 10 cycles later we got lucky only to lose it, so it’s been a hard road to get back to positive again. So glad to be here though, and so glad to have an early scan! (You just got to hear your first heartbeat, yes? Ahh… bliss for you! Hope here.)

I’m very hopeful, and feeling better than I did before. The next few days should tell us a lot. Fingers crossed. Hope all is well in your belly tonight, bernina! Sleep well!

(ps. Hey! April 8th is MY birthday! That's a great day for birthdays!)

 

[bernina]

Congratulations on the nice high hcg number!! I know you still need to wait for the next results but so far that's looking great! I'm seeing a fertility specialist for the first 9 or so weeks of care and they only did one hcg test. After that it was all u/s (which is fine with me) and they haven't talked about my hcg since.

The spotting is so very frustrating. Even though I was told the reason for mine (old blood seen on opposite side of uterus as baby) it still freaks me out. So much for being able to go pad free for 9 mos!

Sept 2 will be here before you know it and baby will be plenty big enough at that time to see and hear heartbeat and measure all the important stuff.

I can't believe everything you have been through with the cyst and ovarian torsion, nightmare is definitely the right word for that! So glad that you've made it back to BFP land though.

We saw the heartbeat at the 6 week and 7 week ultrasound and it was amazing. Still not out of the woods yet, but realize I need to start thinking positive since so far all has been on track. Just so hard to do after the losses but I'm trying my best!

Love that your birthday is April 8th, is going to be a great day!! What is your EDD?

 

[~BumpyRide~]

I was very happy with the number, it was so beyond the ‘oh, that’s bad’ number I had in my head - admittedly pulled out of a hat, but with the previous pregnancy it was 1200 at 6-7 weeks, then barely budged, and waiting for the inevitable was so awful, it seemed so wrong that a couple of stupid numbers meant we would lose something so important .

It’s been a bumpy road indeed… the ovarian torsion was unbelievably painful and totally draining (physically and emotionally), and then all the extra time to heal, which is obviously important, but felt like more wasted time, as was waiting for healing & testing after the m/c… we’re not exactly spring chickens either, so we weren’t keen on sitting around twiddling our thumbs month after month, the ticking is audible.

It sounds like you’ve been through a hell of a lot too, I flitted through your journal… many bumps and lots of great info in there! Big congratulations on this pregnancy and much stickiness in your direction for the crumb snatcher. I’d like to start a journal too, I’ve been through a lot of things that might be helpful to share, and I can avoid my obnoxiously mammoth posts and get some of this stuff out of my head. I find it very cathartic to type things out, and it’s so nice to have a place with other women who have been through similar hellish (and joyful too&#8230 circles. It’s hard for even our partners and closest friends to relate to some of these things.

I’m hope hope hoping that I get the results today (though it may be Wednesday) and that all is on track, then I can look forward to the u/s. We’ll be 7w + so we should have much to see and hear! My EDD is April 19, which would be the loveliest birthday present ever.

The bleeding continues… light to heavy spotting, pale to red, off and on, and it’s still worrying me, but the fact is that I bled with my son. I bled so much that I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was through first tri because I thought I was getting my period. My mom said this happened with her too (wish I’d known that prior). I also apparently have a irritable cervix (I always get a funny image in my head of a grumpy little cervix scowling), so I’m hoping that’s all it is, but the weird thing is I didn’t even stain with the last pregnancy, not until it was over, so I can’t figure that one out.

And again I go off on a tangent… I’ll look into the journal thing if all looks well and good with the levels. I know it’s still early, but here’s to celebrating this spring with some sweet April birth-days! The woods are thinning every day. Thanks again for listening/sharing, cheers…

 

[~BumpyRide~]

I got my comparative results this afternoon! It scared me when I called, they put me on hold for a really long time and I thought they were drawing straws to give me bad news, but they'd just forgotten I was on hold. Deep breath. It's good!!

hCG @ 5w 4d = 4731
hCG @ 5w 6d = 8626

Doubling time = 55.39 hours
Daily rate = 1.35

She's very happy with these results, and I'm over the moon.
Next up, my first u/s on September 2, then a meeting with my regular GP on the 9th to discuss the results. I can't express the relief flooding here.

 

[bernina]

That is awesome news, go hcg go!!!

That has to be such a relief to you, so glad you got the news today and didn't have to wait until tomorrow.

I'm still afraid to move from my TTC journal over to a Preg journal. I think when I hit the 8 or 10 week mark I might feel comfortable enough to do that. Would like to reach the milestone of my longest pregnancy.

It's definitely therapeutic to write out your feelings on here, just such wonderful support and sometimes even if no one replies, just writing it helps tremendously.

Your EDD is 2 days away from my birthday (April 21). I'm hoping you go 2 days late (hope you don't mind) and I go right on time so we both give birth on each other's birthdays, how cool would that be!!!

I'll write more later, DH just asked me to go for a walk, how can I pass that up!! Congrats again on the numbers, so very happy for you!