HORRIBLE EVENT...long read...only hugs please.

[rosegarden620]

I don't know how to start this. I didn't even know if I was going to start this. I have been consumed by this. I have a pit in my stomach and this looming cloud over me...us. My husband and I. Please, I don't judge us. Please, no negative comments...I just want to get the following off my chest and heard.

Our daughter is 6 weeks old. She is so beautiful and gentle, and through her eyes you can just see and feel this sweet amazing spirit. She fits in so beautifully in our family and she's one of the three best things I have done for me ( I have two other equally amazing daughters ).

My husband has been incredible through all of this. He has been my rock and my sanity. Working full-time and overtime (while I enjoy mat leave) whilst finishing up his degree AND still coming home and taking over...my two older daughters are from a previous marriage and their "father" was just a poor excuse. Period. So the gratitude that I feel for my husband is immense and saying we are both exhausted is to say the least!

I am exclusively breastfeeding, on demand, and I am sure we all understand the toll this takes. Its so tiring, you try not to...but you always end up co-sleeping and doing other little things just to get sleep and survive.

Its not to put down men, but I think it takes a mother to really understand the gravity of it all. Of having a little one to take are of, someones fragile life to look after and cultivate.... A mothers natural worry instinct, keeps her offspring alive. Its just nature (among other things of course)...

So, it should go without saying that I REALLY haven't slept since little E was born because when we are in bed together, I truly am aware. I almost don't move ALL night, super light sleeping and I am also monitoring my husband most of the night, because when he sleeps...he SLEEPS. She usually lies on whichever side I am nursing from, doing the side by side position.

UGh...theres that pit again.

Last night, we put our girl to sleep in her crib, which is in our room. I don't co-sleep until late in the evening. I avoid it, until I am trying to "survive". Bedtime was 7pm. She awoke 2.45 hours later at 945p for a feed and after an hour of resettling, she was down in her crib again and I decided to go to sleep as well. Dh remained up watching tv on the computer, beside me.

Its 12:53am. I glance at the clock as I hear her starting to rise. I lean over to DH who has apparently gone to sleep as well. I nudge him awake and ask if he'll bring me the baby (later he would say he didn't even remember how the baby got to bed)... He grunts a sleepy approval, and hands me our little one. I settle her between us with her nursing, my arms over my head and final positioning of my blankets, all to ensure a safe, sound sleep for my newborn.

I close my eyes. Maybe for 1 minute, maybe for 5, who knows...all I know is that a noise from my baby girl prompted me to open my eyes. Her noise was a breath, a sweet exhalation. Without so much as a thought, my eyes had opened...

What my eyes saw caused me to feel sheer PANIC. My husband was half on top of Ezra. Her face was turned to me, no longer nursing and she was sleeping, peacefully, still. He literally had tried laying beside me on his back, and thats where she was. I shoved him off of her in an instant. He rolled over in shock until he nearly went off our queen sized bed. His eyes wide open, suddenly, as I shrieked, "THE BABY! YOU WERE LYING ON TOP OF THE BABY! Whats wrong with you?! You have to be more AWARE!"

His eyes were wide and alarmed. He didn't speak a word. He kept his distance for the rest of the night and I, as if I wasn't having trouble sleeping at all before, I felt ridiculously awake now. Eventually less than an hour later she awoke and remained awake until 620am. Dh left for work and the incident...was the elephant in the room.

I text him around 730am, asking him if he'd gotten to work on time. After his normal response I asked him if he remembered last night to which he responded, "Yes I do, and I'm sorry ". I must have written 4 different responses and erased all of them to only respond with an indifferent face. What could I say? That it was "okay"? [ENTER SCOFF].

Later in the day, he calls me. Before he had called me, this pit in my stomach of "what could have been" is still there, this cloud right above me. When he called, he asked if I could speak to him in private...

We spoke and I tread carefully...what do you say to this? We both know the severity...yet, it feels so terrible to talk about, as if it would make what had happened even MORE real. I looked at my daughter and could feel the sorrow of having almost lost her...what if I hadn't been aware? What if I hadn't woken up? Or woken up 5 minutes later? Will it happen again? ...so many thoughts running through my head, and they ended up being equal thoughts in my husband's mind.

He told me that he wanted me to know that he understood the severity of it. That he hadn't been ok. That he had felt sick to his stomach since it happened. That he was beside himself. That it will NEVER happen again. The thought, that 'this' really happens... when he came home, he told me he had cried at the idea of losing her.

We hugged it out, counted our blessings and are moving forward...only I can't shake this terrible feeling and I know he can't either. He has checked on her more times than I can count since he's been home, in 2 hours! Making sure she's on her back, breathing, blanket free. Which I am SOOO happy about, I am. But I can't help but to feel upset that THIS is what it took for him to GET IT...I "got it" from the moment my children were born...why couldn't he get it sooner before he almost crushed our little girl....omg I feel so terrible even saying that...

Ugh...theres that pit again.

 

[Ameli]

You sound like a wonderful mother. I also think your husband sounds like a sweet, caring father. You guys are doing your best to get through the tough newborn days. It was a wakeup call to be more aware of her sleep space, but please forgive your husband and yourself!

 

[bdb84]

I'm so sorry. I know that I've read before that mothers just have this instinct that fathers do not have when it comes to this. It's innate, probably from growing, nurturing, and carrying the baby from the moment of conception. They are, quite literally, a part of us.

My 10 week old starts out in her crib all the way down the hall. With out fail I wake up just an entire minute before she does every single night. I'm so in tune with her that I wake up and already get out of bed before she makes her first hungry grunt. Mothers just have that something extra.

I know that you cannot stop thinking about all of the scary what ifs, but please do not beat yourself (or let your DH do the same) up over this. As scary and life altering as it could have been, there's a reason you woke up.

Let's talk about prevention now because, try as you both might, there will come another night when exhaustion creeps in and overwhelms you. What I do.. and this can be inconvenient depending on how many times your precious baby wakes.. is, I *always* make sure she is on the outside. If I'm nursing her on my right breast, I'll keep her on my right and whichever older child has made their way into my bed for the night (DH and I are separated, so he no longer lives with me) stays behind me. If I need to nurse with my left breast, I'll have the older child scoot over to the opposite side of the bed (or, more realistically, I roll him or her to the other side myself ) and make sure I'm the one in the middle and DD is on the outside of me.

Does this make sense? Basically I'm always in the middle no matter which side I am nursing from in the MOTN.

Again, super big Scary things happen.

Here's my BTDT experience. Babies are "supposed" to sleep on their backs, correct? Well, after a very scary experience with my first daughter, I make it a point for all of my babies (when they are infants) to sleep on their tummies when I am not in the room. I know that's completely opposite from what 'experts' advise, but here's why.

When DD1 was a very young infant, she was napping in her crib and I was doing something around the house. A few minutes later something told me to go check on her. When I did, her face was starting to discolor as she was silently choking on spit up. I swiftly picked her up, threw her over my knees, and began tapping on her back. A huge gush of vomit came spewing out of her followed by her blessed cries. It was terrifying, and all I kept thinking was that she would have been able to get it out had she been on her belly and able to raise her head

 

[Googiepie]

Aww, I'm sorry honey. I cant imagine how you guys feel especially your poor husband. Huge hugs to you!! No judgement here. I totally understand the exhaustion. My first hated sleep. She would on sleep on my chest so I finally gave in. One night I fell asleep with her on my chest and my ex came and took her off me. I didn't even notice!!! I actually woke up on my side in a crazy panic looking for my child. I know it's different than what happened with you but I can totally understand the worry, exhaustion and whatnot. I refused to let her sleep on my chest again unless I was well rested.

 

[lisaalove]

Lots of hugs sweetheart!

 

[justplay91]

Ugh. I know this feeling exactly. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Your husband sounds like a generally good guy who is just that... A guy. Like previous posters have said, they just don't have the instinct that we do. That said, my worst experience as a mother so far was my own fault. My son was probably about 4 weeks old and I had put him in his swing for a nap while my husband and I did some deep cleaning. I checked on him every 5-10 minutes when we weren't in the room (we have a very small apartment). When I went in to check on him one of the times, I saw with complete horror that his oversized, thick bib (that i had forgotten to remove) had come up and was completely covering his face. That moment before I pulled the bib down and realized he was breathing was the longest, most horrible moment of my life. I felt guilty and like the worst mother in the world for weeks. It's so awful to think about the "what might have beens" but I'm just so glad we have our babies. No one here will judge you for what happened. We have all had things like this happen. Having a baby is hard, especially in the newborn stage. Forgive your poor hubby and maybe just sleep with baby on the other side from now on.

 

[ttc126]

Oh my goodness! Big bug hugs to you! I know the exact pit you're talking about.

Right after my c section I was exhausted. So groggy from the spinal and iv meds. I was feeding my son in the hospital bed. I kind of dozed off and next thing I knew I woke up and he was face down on the mattress and had been stopped from falling off only by the stupid guardrail. I almost vomited thinking of it just now. I have never ever been so scared in my life. I thanked God so much for sparing his life and that he wasn't seriously injured. Oh my gosh. I completely know how you feel. Completely.

It's so hard to move forward from that but you must forgive yourself. It will take time. My little one is 4 months and obviously if I think of it too much I still get upset.

 

[staralfur]

At this point you really need to be putting her on the other side of you and not in between you and your husband. It's not his fault, but I think it's clear that he can't be relied upon to sense where she is in the bed. When he's asleep he has no control over it. It's not that he doesn't "get it", he can't "get it" when he's asleep. Again, completely not his fault and he shouldn't feel bad about it... but it's unsafe to keep putting her in between you two. I'm sure everyone will sleep more soundly if you know the risk of him rolling over on her isn't there. And you're right, mothers do seem to have that instinct, which is why cosleeping works for so many people.

I imagine it was incredibly scary and I feel for you. But I think you need to just accept it as a lesson learned and move on as best as you can. Dwelling on the 'what-ifs' is only going stress you out and make you anxious. Hopefully you all get some good sleep tonight.

 

[CrazyMumma]

I would get a co-sleeper. You can either get one that is like a cot with no side that sits right next to your bed, or here in NZ we have pepe pods - which are like a small moses basket to sit on the bed with you. I would not have baby in with you again until you do. Its not hubbys fault - I know its easy to place blame but he was unconscious - some people just sleep heavier than others.

I have even seen people using a big plastic storage box with a foam square inside for a mattress - can sit next to you on the bed but the hard sides prevent anyone being able to roll onto it

 

[x__amour]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You must've been so scared.

As mentioned before mother's just have that extra... Something. We are some tuned into our children, that's why you woke up. You knew something was wrong. I would think about perhaps getting a co-sleeper or ALWAYS having your LO on the opposite side of your husband. When we co-slept our children, I NEVER let my DH near them. He is an impossibly deep sleeper and would never notice them. It's a terrifying thought really.

I'm so sorry this happened but your LO is okay. You are okay. Just make sure to take preventive measures for safe co-sleeping. This was no one's fault, just an important lesson.

 

[Unlucky41]

Sending heaps of hugs your way. This incident was a mere accident. I definately understand doing whatever to get some extra sleep especially in the early months. I co sleep as well due to horhorrible reflux and put our baby on her stomach to sleep. My husband and I were so scare that he would crush her as he doesn't wake up when she whimpers. I kicked him out of the bed.

Like others have said forgive your husband and yourself and try to enjoy your little bundle of joy.

 

[Tattoo]

I'm sorry that you had this scare, but you really do need to be able to let it go. It was an accident, it could have been deadly, but it wasn't. Everyone is ok. So, please, do forgive your husband and yourself.

Our baby wouldn't settle in her moses basket, so on day three we gave up and started co-sleeping. This is what we did: I slept in my usual position with baby next to me. Husband slept horizontally across the foot of the bed (like the family dog, as he put it!) I'd have to sort of curl my legs around the baby, to give husband enough space to actually lie down. This way, baby had plenty of room, was well away from pillows, blankets etc and everyone was safe. It wasn't comfortable, though, so after a week and a half we invested in a cosleeper crib.

 

[Quartz]

You need to forgive both of you, chalk it down to a near miss event that life is full of and move on.

That said I am a huge cosleeper (both mine still do on occasion) but I would not have an under 1 sleeping in the middle (DS and DD both can now frankly cos we are more at risk from being kicked by them!) as as much as OH loves them he is not aware of them in his sleep. He often wakes and wonders why there is a child inbetween us as he has just not noticed one (or both) coming in. Whereas I always have. So I would set up a cosleeper on the side of your bed and then you can relax.

 

[Zephram]

I think this is a wake up call. If your OH isn't aware of where the baby is in bed, there are a few things you can do to stop this happening again.

- your OH sleeps on the couch
- you get a co-sleeper to attach to the side of the bed so baby has her own space
- you never ever put baby in the middle of the bed between you
- if you can't do these things hen baby goes back in her cot, no exceptions

I think it's a good idea to brush up on guidelines for avoiding SIDS. I am all for co-sleeping if it's the only way you're getting any sleep, but anytime we ever did it I kicked my OH out to the couch as like your OH he had no awareness of LO in the bed.

I'm sending hugs as you must have been terrified.

 

[Larkspur]

Agree with all previous posters. It was a horrible thing to have happen, but your husband simply wasn't aware because he was asleep. It could happen to anyone, even you. Everyone is fine, so continuing to turn the "what ifs" over in your mind will do no good.

The way forward is to ensure you follow safe-sleeping guidelines at all times. It will remove the weight from your mind and the pit from your stomach.

 

[sue_88]

It sounds like you need to read up on safe co-sleeping guidelines to remind yourself how to do it so it's going to keep the baby safe. Baby in the middle is dangerous due to the unaware father. It's also not his fault. You need just move past now and further educate yourself on best practices. A co sleeper crib would be a really good extension to your bed for the extra space.

 

[hanni]

Hugs! How scary.

You're totally right, mothers just have an instinct. Before I had a child I could never understand how people could Co-sleep. I thought for sure it was unbelievably dangerous and you'd crush baby. How wrong! It's amazing how perfectly still, how light you can sleep and how aware you are.
We've spent the last 9 months sleeping next to our babies before they're even born, being aware of our bumps and avoiding sleeping on our stomachs. We're used to them being there, It's totally understandable that it takes dad's a while to get that 6th sense.
I usually bring my DS into our bed with us at around 5am because he'll then settle back to sleep until about 9am.
I do the same as you and lie on whichever side I'm nursing on.
I heard my OH move the other morning and opened my eyes for a quick peek like I normally do when he moves and saw he'd moved his pillow to about an inch away from our sons face! I now awkwardly position my arm behind my DS so I can feel if my OH gets too close. And I also make sure I don't fall asleep while he's nursing on that side, I usually play on my phone to stay awake and move him back after.

I also went to get my son out his cot one morning to bring him in with us and saw my OH had left his bib on him all night. Needless to say he got the scolding of a lifetime like he was a little boy again! I know he'll never do that again.
These things happen. It could of been so much worse but it wasn't, don't be so hard on yourselves. I'm sure he won't let it happen again.
Hugs xx

 

[busytulip]

From one co-sleeping momma to another

 

[Laurans]

Hey Rosegarden, firstly massive hugs and please do to be too hard on yourselves! I know from your posts that you care and want what's best!

Even reading all the responses I have scared myself! My husband and I have at times left a bib on because baby has been so sicky! Admittedly we tuck it down under the cocoonababy strap but now keep thinking about how in a sleep deprived state we might forget to do that and could easily cover his little face!
I guess all this worrying is what makes us caring moms and dads! We are only human and whilst we must limit the risks we can't let worry spoil the joy! (Says me who lies there at night imagining weird scenarios and catastrophising!)

 

[hanni]

Hey Rosegarden, firstly massive hugs and please do to be too hard on yourselves! I know from your posts that you care and want what's best!

Even reading all the responses I have scared myself! My husband and I have at times left a bib on because baby has been so sicky! Admittedly we tuck it down under the cocoonababy strap but now keep thinking about how in a sleep deprived state we might forget to do that and could easily cover his little face!
I guess all this worrying is what makes us caring moms and dads! We are only human and whilst we must limit the risks we can't let worry spoil the joy! (Says me who lies there at night imagining weird scenarios and catastrophising!)

I do this too! Stuff like natural disasters and car accidents and imagine what I would do and how heart breaking it would be. Always end up in bits just thinking about it. I can't even imagine how people cope.

As for the bib thing could you try a big muslin cloth tucked in underneath? Easier to change than entire bedding.