"Horror stories" of pregnancy, birth and after.

[Mrs.Mcguin]

I'm sorry, but this has been getting to me I just have to get this out. This is no way of a rant..this is just an explanation on my part.

I have been reading lately about how some ladies are wishing that others would stop telling their "horror stories" of their pregnancies, birth or after.

I understand that hearing these stories can be scary especially if you end up not experiencing anything remotely of what you heard. Then you tend to think..."was that really necessary to tell a pregnant girl that??"

Granted, I don't agree when someone flat out tells a pregnant lady that "it will happen" or they say "you just wait" because that is just not true. Yes, there is a chance that those particular things that you have read and heard can happen..but there is never any guarantees in anything that happens in life. Pregnancy, birth and after is not written out in black and white. There is nothing for sure about it.

I think it is amazing and wonderful when I hear about someone's great pregnancy, birth and after stories. I wish everyone had those same experiences. I remember witnessing my friends have the most easiest times going through it all and taking motherhood on like they were pros. When I was pregnant, I had many women talk to me about how "after you give birth to your baby, you fall inlove and nothing else matters". Those were the most common stories. All the most amazing stories you can imagine, I heard.

I wasn't so lucky. Not even close. I felt like a horrible mother because I didn't experience what they did. I went through severe PPD and I was left in a bubble because no one could relate.

I personally would hate if I couldn't help another mother that is going through what I went through and I couldn't help her because other people don't want to hear or read about bad experiences. If I couldn't help others, I would feel like what I went through was for nothing.

When people write a thread and ask for an honest opinions..I give it respectively and politely regardless of the topic. I don't try to pretend that once your baby is out..that you are guaranteed to fall in love at that moment and its all roses then on. Some women get that pleasure and I am so very happy for them! I infact I did get this pleasure with my second baby and it was so amazing! However, I do like to make a point that if you don't feel that right away..that that's ok too! Both ways are normal and I strongly believe that's important to talk about.

I know that there will still be some that disagree with me..and that is ok. It's hard to understand something that has not been experienced.
However, I know many of you will understand and can appreciate what I'm talking about. I just really needed to say this so what ever your views are...thanks for reading.

 

[aliss]

I agree with you. I had a terrible birth with my first and I didn't love him and I didn't like being a mother (he had colic). I didn't tell a soul because I was so cared I was a monster (because other women would gush and say, "oh, it was love at first sight! I love being a mummy!!"). How do you say it? How do you admit it?

When I finally got the balls to tell my mother, she said she felt the same way as me. She dumped me at my grandma's one night and ran away. My best friend said the same about her 1st. For a year, I went in silence when the two closest women in my life knew exactly how to help me.

What a shame!

With my 2nd, I didn't even get the baby blues. I didn't need the support. But I didn't get it when I needed it, because many women are afraid to tell the truth.

 

[Cala]

I think message boards like this should be full of honesty, ruthlessness and real experiences from real women.... good, bad and ugly.

My sister went through a really tough time after her third baby in terms of PPD. It was horrible to see her suffer through it and it made all of us feel so helpless. But the worst thing we could have done was to ignore the problem. Confronting it was the only way she got through it.

I think it's very important to hear from women who have already had children and their particular experiences... not everyone has a perfect experience with birth or after birth, but life isn't perfect either.

 

[laila 44]

You are absolutely right. Not one mother that I have spoken to has said that they were instantly in love and bonded to their babies. A mothers love is one that grows through establishing a bond that can only happen once you get to know one another. Not to say you don't love your baby, you do but I believe you fall in love and feel that special bond as you both spend time together. Nothing wrong with that. Actually I think it'a very normal and most people feel the same they just don't say it.

 

[wristwatch24]

I agree with you to some extent. Like you said in your post, it really makes me mad when people share these "horror stories" as if they're absolutely the way it is! I have no issues with a healthy dose of reality, but I don't like being told that it will be a certain way no matter what.

 

[spunky84]

I think there's a line between saying that x, y and z will definitely happen and just the reality of things that could happen.

Every person and every pregnancy is so different you can't predict anything. But I think it's nice to know the different things that could possibly happen, even if rare, rather than going in thinking that everything will just be all complete bliss, but also keeping in mind that it doesn't mean that it will happen.

I think it's just about keeping an open mind to the possibility that anything can happen, good and/or bad, and I think stories of all kinds can help keep an open mind to a world of possibilities.

 

[PregnantKitty]

Thank you for starting this thread. If I may, I'd like to share my story.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 5 years ago. The whole pregnancy I was on depression medications and going through a very hard time with my fiance at the time. He was unsupportive and lazy. I cleaned, i cooked, and i worked a full time job the entire time. I was emotionless by the time i had her.

It didn't help that at her birth i was stressed out by his lack of support and had a difficult labor. I felt like all of the attention was on her and though i was in a ton of pain, i had no way to vent or any support through it. I felt compeltely alone and suddenly felt an unexpected resentment towards her which made me feel so incredibly guilty and terrible. I knew it wasnt her fault and i wanted to love her, but every time i looked at her i felt trapped- because i knew she was the only thinf keeping me with her father.

I felt hopeless and trapped and went through PPD hard. I've never been close to my family and he had cut me off from all of my friends. I was so alone and hopeless feeling.

I felt there was no way out and ended up trying to commit suicide. I was in a coma for 3 days, ended up leaving her father right after and lost custody of her because of my suicide attempt shortly after that.

My life spun out of control and i hated myself, my life, and everyone.

But this story has a happy ending. All of the events that transpired forced me to look at myself and my life and reconsider my options. I began really working on myself and working through my depression issues. I found support in therapy groups and though i may never be completely over the tramas ive dealt with, i am doing much better and happier in my life now than i have ever been.

I've known my now husband for over 10 years, and unexpectedly ran into him as i was working on my issues, after a few dating excursions that never worked out. He was going through some severe depression issues himself and i found a newfound love of myself for being able to help him get over his depression, as well.
Together we have become so strong and positive, i find it miraculous.

We never thought we would have children even though i have always wanted another, but life has a way of working things out for you and to my surprise he was ecstatic and has been such a wonderful and supportive part of my life.

Ever since i met him I have loved him, to some extent, and now that we've gotten married and are doing so amazing and have this wonderful gift on the way I can't believe how amazing it all is. It feels like a fairy tale.

So to those out there suffering from depression-PPD or otherwise- i just want you to know that you're not alone, it's not your fault, and things have a way of working out, in the end.

I'm here for anyone who needs to vent or wants advice and I'll never judge.

Hope we can all become stronger, together.

 

[blakesmummy09]

Mine all started with my DS before he was born as i didnt have exactly the easiest pregnancy, im an epileptic, i was diagonosed with gestational diabetes from 6 weeks, my waters broke at 31 weeks and he was breech.

When i found out my waters had broke i was shocked and monitered everyday and finally told a day before my c-section i was having one that day so i was never informed just had papers shoved in front of me and told to sign them and turn up at 6am the next day.

Blake was born 5lb 1 at 35 weeks exactly but had a grunt so was admitted to nicu, he wouldnt breastfeed and i missed his first feed and first nappy change which was really hard and my ex kept winging about how if i breastfed he couldnt feed his son which made me feel worse considering i couldnt even walk properly after surgery too.

When we brought blake home at 2 weeks old everything was really good then it slipped his father become lazy etc and didnt help and it continued like that until blake was 2. When blake was 2 we split up but he refused to leave the house so i had to share a room with blake with barely any money to my name to keep the electric going and food in blakes stomach because my ex didnt feel like it was his responsibility to help as he lived there. By that time i was in a really low place and used to cry myself to sleep every night. My finance advisor who used to help me budget money come round one day and suggested social services come and offer advice and i went to court and got the house.

Social services were very hard on me at first as i didnt do any cleaning etc i just wanted to shut myself away but things did get better and i met my OH im with now and i couldnt be happier. Blakes contact with his dad isnt always consistent but he had a great stable family home now and mikes a wonderful stepdad to him and hes very happy that hes got a little sister on the way too.

Im sorry its so long but ive never shard my story with anyone as ive always thought that i was a bad parent for feeling low and depressed when i had my son but i see now its more common than i thought x

 

[MrS. MaBrEy]

For me personally I have asked my friends to back off with their horror stories. Rather than being helpful it undermines what I want for my birth. Fear grows from tiny seeds...and planting those seeds is not a nice thing to do. Why scare someone who doesn't want to be scared? I had literally NO fear about birth until someone told me a horror story about theirs and now I'm doubting myself and my abilities almost daily. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would still be fearless if she hadn't shared her horror story with me. Not only that, but I felt it was done deliberately to undermine my choices as a mother. I'm sure most people aren't deliberately causing undue stress to mom's to be...but it still isn't necessary especially if the mother is positive and trying to do her best for her baby. In the end we all deserve the right to say "I don't/do want to hear that" and our wishes should be respected.

 

[sue_88]

Personally, at this stage I would much rather live in a world of "ignorance is bliss".

It suits me and it suits my personality to not get worked up about "what ifs". That has never, and will never help me to worry about the unknown.

Such is in real life and also on the forum.

What I have learnt though, is that should I feel I need advise about anything, however much I may not want to talk to a real life person (health professional or family) that BnB will always be there to offer advice and help and similar stories and will be a great comfort when I come up against the challenges.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

Thank you for starting this thread. If I may, I'd like to share my story.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 5 years ago. The whole pregnancy I was on depression medications and going through a very hard time with my fiance at the time. He was unsupportive and lazy. I cleaned, i cooked, and i worked a full time job the entire time. I was emotionless by the time i had her.

It didn't help that at her birth i was stressed out by his lack of support and had a difficult labor. I felt like all of the attention was on her and though i was in a ton of pain, i had no way to vent or any support through it. I felt compeltely alone and suddenly felt an unexpected resentment towards her which made me feel so incredibly guilty and terrible. I knew it wasnt her fault and i wanted to love her, but every time i looked at her i felt trapped- because i knew she was the only thinf keeping me with her father.

I felt hopeless and trapped and went through PPD hard. I've never been close to my family and he had cut me off from all of my friends. I was so alone and hopeless feeling.

I felt there was no way out and ended up trying to commit suicide. I was in a coma for 3 days, ended up leaving her father right after and lost custody of her because of my suicide attempt shortly after that.

My life spun out of control and i hated myself, my life, and everyone.

But this story has a happy ending. All of the events that transpired forced me to look at myself and my life and reconsider my options. I began really working on myself and working through my depression issues. I found support in therapy groups and though i may never be completely over the tramas ive dealt with, i am doing much better and happier in my life now than i have ever been.

I've known my now husband for over 10 years, and unexpectedly ran into him as i was working on my issues, after a few dating excursions that never worked out. He was going through some severe depression issues himself and i found a newfound love of myself for being able to help him get over his depression, as well.
Together we have become so strong and positive, i find it miraculous.

We never thought we would have children even though i have always wanted another, but life has a way of working things out for you and to my surprise he was ecstatic and has been such a wonderful and supportive part of my life.

Ever since i met him I have loved him, to some extent, and now that we've gotten married and are doing so amazing and have this wonderful gift on the way I can't believe how amazing it all is. It feels like a fairy tale.

So to those out there suffering from depression-PPD or otherwise- i just want you to know that you're not alone, it's not your fault, and things have a way of working out, in the end.

I'm here for anyone who needs to vent or wants advice and I'll never judge.

Hope we can all become stronger, together.

I'm so glad that you found an amazing guy who make you so happy! I love hearing about happy endings after such a hard experience.

Can I ask...did your PPD effect your bond with your daughter? And if so..how is it now?

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

Mine all started with my DS before he was born as i didnt have exactly the easiest pregnancy, im an epileptic, i was diagonosed with gestational diabetes from 6 weeks, my waters broke at 31 weeks and he was breech.

When i found out my waters had broke i was shocked and monitered everyday and finally told a day before my c-section i was having one that day so i was never informed just had papers shoved in front of me and told to sign them and turn up at 6am the next day.

Blake was born 5lb 1 at 35 weeks exactly but had a grunt so was admitted to nicu, he wouldnt breastfeed and i missed his first feed and first nappy change which was really hard and my ex kept winging about how if i breastfed he couldnt feed his son which made me feel worse considering i couldnt even walk properly after surgery too.

When we brought blake home at 2 weeks old everything was really good then it slipped his father become lazy etc and didnt help and it continued like that until blake was 2. When blake was 2 we split up but he refused to leave the house so i had to share a room with blake with barely any money to my name to keep the electric going and food in blakes stomach because my ex didnt feel like it was his responsibility to help as he lived there. By that time i was in a really low place and used to cry myself to sleep every night. My finance advisor who used to help me budget money come round one day and suggested social services come and offer advice and i went to court and got the house.

Social services were very hard on me at first as i didnt do any cleaning etc i just wanted to shut myself away but things did get better and i met my OH im with now and i couldnt be happier. Blakes contact with his dad isnt always consistent but he had a great stable family home now and mikes a wonderful stepdad to him and hes very happy that hes got a little sister on the way too.

Im sorry its so long but ive never shard my story with anyone as ive always thought that i was a bad parent for feeling low and depressed when i had my son but i see now its more common than i thought x

I'm so glad you shared it! Thanks talking about something so difficult. I'm very happy that your life is better now and get to enjoy a more happier time in your life.

 

[Veronicadiaz3]

First of all I want to thank everyone for your honesty. It is so easy to get caught up in a world of "prefect mothers" who know how to do everything right.
If there's one thing I have learned from motherhood, is that there are thousands of ways to do it. You shouldn't listen too much, or read too much about it, because everyone is just different. Listening to yourself and following your heart is the best you can do. As long as your baby is healthy, happy, and well taken care of, you are doing it right.
I don't know if there is more than one way of going through PPD because what I went through was a bit different than what you have mentioned.
When my daughter was born, everyhting was all right with my husband, money, house, etc. There was really nothing to worry about. Perfect natural birth, healthy baby, no problem breastfeeding. So, what started to happen days after she was born, really surprised me. I started thinking about bad things that could happen or crying uncontrobably about news I hear about on tv. I remember looking at her and thinking, OMG, what if she marries a horrible guy that doesn't treat her well, what if she gets sick, what if kids are mean to her at school. And then starting to cry uncontrobably. I just couldn't help it. Sometimes I would silently cry at night. My husband wouldn't notice but she would wake up and start to cry too. Even though she couldn't really hear me either.
I ended up feeling so guilty to have brought her into such a terrible world where terrible things happen all the time. It was a bad experience.. It went on for months. My husband suggested I talked to a therapist. I ended up talking to a kind of therapist. What she said was simple, but kind of ended with my misery. She told me, I wasn't guilty for bringing my daughter into this world, she said that life happens or doesn't happen despite of what we want. She said I should respect her destiny, pain and also other people's pain. She told me I probably had a kind of PPD and that I should start feeling better as time went by.
I guess she just told me what I needed to hear. I started working on not focusing on imagining what other people was going through whenever I would listen to bad news on tv. It did get better, although I must be honest, sometimes I still have to work hard on that. Going back to work really helped me too. Maybe that's just something that changes once you become a mother. You become more vulnerable. Every since I am a mother I can cry so easily. Even over a love song...
So, yes. It's good to know you are not alone or crazy for experiencing weird feelings you can't explain. What I went through might not have been PPD after all but it was defenitely overwhelming.
I personaly do like to know about what could go wrong during pregnancy. I try not to focus too much on it but knowing about it has helped me get over bad times, knowing that what I am going through is really no big deal and that I'm not the only person who has experienced it. I don't know if I explain myself. I guess every person is just different. You just need to learn to know yourself and know what's best for you.
I sometimes worry that if I ever have another baby, I might fall back into that horrible phase but at least I know now that it's not that normal and that it is ok to ask for help and talk to others about it. We are wonderful, unique, not prefect and we need each other.

 

[Dk1234]

I feel the same way about this as I do about people who get mad when people talk about miscarriage. Get over it, life happens and if you want to live in a bubble and think everything is always perfect then don't be a part if a large group of women. We will all have different experiences and different paths and it is what makes this site so wonderful because if we didn't, what would be the point.

 

[PregnantKitty]

Thank you for starting this thread. If I may, I'd like to share my story.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 5 years ago. The whole pregnancy I was on depression medications and going through a very hard time with my fiance at the time. He was unsupportive and lazy. I cleaned, i cooked, and i worked a full time job the entire time. I was emotionless by the time i had her.

It didn't help that at her birth i was stressed out by his lack of support and had a difficult labor. I felt like all of the attention was on her and though i was in a ton of pain, i had no way to vent or any support through it. I felt compeltely alone and suddenly felt an unexpected resentment towards her which made me feel so incredibly guilty and terrible. I knew it wasnt her fault and i wanted to love her, but every time i looked at her i felt trapped- because i knew she was the only thinf keeping me with her father.

I felt hopeless and trapped and went through PPD hard. I've never been close to my family and he had cut me off from all of my friends. I was so alone and hopeless feeling.

I felt there was no way out and ended up trying to commit suicide. I was in a coma for 3 days, ended up leaving her father right after and lost custody of her because of my suicide attempt shortly after that.

My life spun out of control and i hated myself, my life, and everyone.

But this story has a happy ending. All of the events that transpired forced me to look at myself and my life and reconsider my options. I began really working on myself and working through my depression issues. I found support in therapy groups and though i may never be completely over the tramas ive dealt with, i am doing much better and happier in my life now than i have ever been.

I've known my now husband for over 10 years, and unexpectedly ran into him as i was working on my issues, after a few dating excursions that never worked out. He was going through some severe depression issues himself and i found a newfound love of myself for being able to help him get over his depression, as well.
Together we have become so strong and positive, i find it miraculous.

We never thought we would have children even though i have always wanted another, but life has a way of working things out for you and to my surprise he was ecstatic and has been such a wonderful and supportive part of my life.

Ever since i met him I have loved him, to some extent, and now that we've gotten married and are doing so amazing and have this wonderful gift on the way I can't believe how amazing it all is. It feels like a fairy tale.

So to those out there suffering from depression-PPD or otherwise- i just want you to know that you're not alone, it's not your fault, and things have a way of working out, in the end.

I'm here for anyone who needs to vent or wants advice and I'll never judge.

Hope we can all become stronger, together.

I'm so glad that you found an amazing guy who make you so happy! I love hearing about happy endings after such a hard experience.

Can I ask...did your PPD effect your bond with your daughter? And if so..how is it now?

It did for some time, especially with the fact that I.left her father and he won custody of her because of my suicide attempt, however we've worked through it. It took a few years, though, before i felt like she was actually "my daughter", and not just someones kid whom i babysat.

I know that sounds terrible but it's the honest truth. I always cared for her, but it definitely took a long time before i really loved her as my child.

That being said we're now very close and she is doing great and so am i. I don't think i could've become emotionally prepared to really accept her and the situation I'm in if it weren't for my husband. He's an amazing man and i really can't brag enough about how awesome he is. I mean, we have our moments and like all.men, he can be a bit insensitive or a jerk once and a while but we've sworn to put each other first and both of us really take that seriously.
I'm beyond excited to have this child with him and be able to have such a closeness and healthy relationship with the baby, after such a difficult time with my first.

I know we'll go through tough times but i also know we'll always come back stronger than ever and we can make it through anything.

But i want everyone out there to know that it's not your fault and it's normal to not instantaneously feel that special bond with your child that some do. You're not alone and there is help out there. Never just try to keep it in. You will make it through it and you can develop that bond over time.

 

[Veronicadiaz3]

I feel the same way about this as I do about people who get mad when people talk about miscarriage. Get over it, life happens and if you want to live in a bubble and think everything is always perfect then don't be a part if a large group of women. We will all have different experiences and different paths and it is what makes this site so wonderful because if we didn't, what would be the point.

You are so right and congratulations on your 2nd baby!

 

[Dk1234]

I feel the same way about this as I do about people who get mad when people talk about miscarriage. Get over it, life happens and if you want to live in a bubble and think everything is always perfect then don't be a part if a large group of women. We will all have different experiences and different paths and it is what makes this site so wonderful because if we didn't, what would be the point.

You are so right and congratulations on your 2nd baby!

Thank you! I'm getting pretty excited. It took me a bit and I'm still scared to death to have two but I've def come around to the idea.

 

[NinaAutumn]

This is a really good thread. I am worried that with everything going on in my life and my mental health being the way it is that PPD is a real risk for me. I find it so useful to hear people's experiences and know that there is no right or wrong way to start out in motherhood. I am prepared for the best and the worst and I am open to all kinds of emotions.

My pregnancy has already been a crazy roller-coaster. After TTC for 2 yrs with my emotionally abusive ex I fell pregnant by a friend accidentally only 5 months after leaving my husband. Sufficed to say there has been feelings of excitement and happiness all the way through to anger and resentment. I have no doubt that as settled as things feel some days there's still a lot of emotion to come.

I hide my depression very well and it's only because of a history of self harm and many failed suicide attempts that my close family and few friends even know. To the outside world I am a happy and centred individual. Threads like this make me realise how important it is to open up about depression, in all its forms.

Thanks for talking about your experiences ladies. Makes it a lot easier for people like me to open up too

 

[bekkie]

For me, there is a difference between 'after baby was born... this is what I went through' and 'omg labour was the worst thing i've ever experienced and I almost died!'

I wish that more mothers had truthfully told me what they went through after they brought baby home... that it was hard, that it was an adjustment... that it was normal to feel like you weren't ready...

But I couldn't care less about labour horror stories - it's a scary enough time, even when I've already been through it and know how worth it it all is... no one needs those extra fears weighing on them. IMO.

There is plenty of time after baby is born to compare lol.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

This is a really good thread. I am worried that with everything going on in my life and my mental health being the way it is that PPD is a real risk for me. I find it so useful to hear people's experiences and know that there is no right or wrong way to start out in motherhood. I am prepared for the best and the worst and I am open to all kinds of emotions.

My pregnancy has already been a crazy roller-coaster. After TTC for 2 yrs with my emotionally abusive ex I fell pregnant by a friend accidentally only 5 months after leaving my husband. Sufficed to say there has been feelings of excitement and happiness all the way through to anger and resentment. I have no doubt that as settled as things feel some days there's still a lot of emotion to come.

I hide my depression very well and it's only because of a history of self harm and many failed suicide attempts that my close family and few friends even know. To the outside world I am a happy and centred individual. Threads like this make me realise how important it is to open up about depression, in all its forms.

Thanks for talking about your experiences ladies. Makes it a lot easier for people like me to open up too

It breaks my heart to hear about people wanting to end their lives. I've been there and know your pain and I know how hard it is to live through those emotions every second of every day and feel it will never end!! You feel trapped in those thoughts and feelings and I know what it is like just to want to put an end to it so it will just stop! I also know what it is like to have to go through all that pain all by yourself and feel utterly alone! No one understands and feels like no one seems to want to understand. If you do find someone that wants to help...you feel like you are just a burden on them so you push them away so you don't have to seem so "pathetic". This is just a tiny glimps into what it was like to go through Postpartum Depression for me...but I also went through a consistent feeling of guilt that seems to never end. This a common feeling of PPD. Some others go through different forms of PPD however. But I've also have seen the light at the end of the tunnel so I KNOW there is hope!! No matter what kind of depression, there is hope!!

It's very important to make sure you are getting all the vitamins your body needs because this alone can increase depression and can even cause depression. Another thing that helped me was to change my eating habits and at the same time...change my thinking habits, reprogramming my negative thoughts to positive. Once you fall into a depression, its very easy to become accustomed to a negative way of thinking. And one thing I found with depression is that you tend to think way to much!! The moment I started to think or feel negative..I would say "NO" out loud (if i was alone of course) or do something to instantly shut that thought/feeling off. At first you don't believe those positive thoughts but the more you do it..the more you start to change things around. I thought about all the positives in the world that made me happy as well. It's a huge processes but it can be done. If you believe it will get better, it will. Anything is possible if you want it bad enough!

Like you mentioned...because you had depression going into this pregnancy, you are right...there is a higher possibility that you will get PPD. There are so many things that factor into the cause. I'm glad you are more willing to talk about it now. I know it's hard but you are far from alone with going through this. I also know you are having some issues with your midwife and feeling like she doesn't care and not doing her job properly. Her asking on her way out, oh by the way, how are you feeling?" when she has one foot out the door is unacceptable. Tell her how you feel. You will feel so much better after you do. Telling her now rather then waiting until you either can't stand it or continue to just put up with it will not do you or her or you any good. If you don't feel you can talk to her..then call to get a new midwife who will do their job properly.

Sending you lots of big hugs