Tonight I was sitting thinking about all the feelings and emotions I have felt over the past 2 weeks since my early mc and I wondered if it might help to write them all down, both as a means of letting it all out, and I also hope that this might help anyone on here who might feel better if they identify with any of what I have felt.
Here are just a few ways I have (sometimes irrationally) felt in the past 2 weeks..... (in no particular order)
* Feeling like I was coping ok one minute, but then the next like I was only hanging together.
* Crying at anything. Everything is amplified 10 times bigger than it is.
* Feel cheated by my body, it is meant to nurture life, right?
* Feel cheated by God, how could he put women through this?
* The next minute, wanting to seek comfort in God in the hope he is there listening to me (I am not that religious but I do believe in God and religion despite me questioning it).
* Upset when hear about someone I know having a baby (although very happy for them too).
* Upset and jealous seeing a pregnant woman in the street, I can't help but think 'why didn't I manage to get that far'.
* Alone, as nobody fully 100% understands how I am feeling no matter how hard they try or are there for me.
* Angry that it happened to me, and that it has happened on more than one occasion to many women who don't deserve it.
* Wanting to scream and throw things when I think of women who have had lots of children effortlessly who treat them bad, or have had a child and don't want them.
* Wanting answers why it happened. Going over and over in my head looking for reasons why it happened, 'was it something I did, something I ate or drink, etc'.
* Paranoid that there might be something wrong with me which means I can't be pregnant and not miscarry.
* Torturing myself with 'what if' and 'what might have been' scenarios (thinking 'I would be 7 weeks today' or thinking of timelines like events coming up and thinking 'I would have been <x> amount of weeks or months pregnant had I not miscarried (not healthy I know and I don't know why I do it to myself).
* Reading too much into what people say and being easily offended.
* Feeling like nobody cares if they don't mention the mc or ask how I am (even though I understand it is probably because they don't know what to say).
* Feeling agitated if people treat me normally (don't they know I have just lost a pregnancy!), yet also feeling annoyed if they are clucking over me too much (I blame the hormones!)
* (Undeliberately) Feel a bit put out when anyone I know complaining of ailments like a chest infection or sore foot - I would rather have any of these ailments than a mc, so how can they complain about such trivial stuff (Obviously I didn't mean it, but did feel like that at times).
* Completely baffled by pregnancy - the stats of pregnancy loss are so high so to have a full term successful pregnancy is actually a huge achievement, yet is often regarded as a natural, normal and everyday thing.
* Thinking 'if there are such high statistics of first pregnancies ending in miscarriage, how come I know <x> number of friends and families who have (thankfully!) never miscarried their first pregnancy'? (whom I am obviously very happy for).
* In total awe of women who enjoy being pregnant and can relax and be happy being pregnant, I doubt I can relax being pregnant again and I envy their ability to enjoy their pregnancies.
* Wondering how the hell I am going to cope or be able to relax if I am pregnant again.
* Feelings of terror that it (being pregnant) might never happen, mixed with flashes of positive thoughts that it will.
* Worried about when my periods will return and the hatred of being 'in limbo' waiting for it to come on.
I am not sure if this has been of any help to anyone, but it is just a brief list of how I have felt in recent weeks. I hope none of it has come across bitter in any way or that any of it has come across in the wrong way.
X
Here are just a few ways I have (sometimes irrationally) felt in the past 2 weeks..... (in no particular order)
* Feeling like I was coping ok one minute, but then the next like I was only hanging together.
* Crying at anything. Everything is amplified 10 times bigger than it is.
* Feel cheated by my body, it is meant to nurture life, right?
* Feel cheated by God, how could he put women through this?
* The next minute, wanting to seek comfort in God in the hope he is there listening to me (I am not that religious but I do believe in God and religion despite me questioning it).
* Upset when hear about someone I know having a baby (although very happy for them too).
* Upset and jealous seeing a pregnant woman in the street, I can't help but think 'why didn't I manage to get that far'.
* Alone, as nobody fully 100% understands how I am feeling no matter how hard they try or are there for me.
* Angry that it happened to me, and that it has happened on more than one occasion to many women who don't deserve it.
* Wanting to scream and throw things when I think of women who have had lots of children effortlessly who treat them bad, or have had a child and don't want them.
* Wanting answers why it happened. Going over and over in my head looking for reasons why it happened, 'was it something I did, something I ate or drink, etc'.
* Paranoid that there might be something wrong with me which means I can't be pregnant and not miscarry.
* Torturing myself with 'what if' and 'what might have been' scenarios (thinking 'I would be 7 weeks today' or thinking of timelines like events coming up and thinking 'I would have been <x> amount of weeks or months pregnant had I not miscarried (not healthy I know and I don't know why I do it to myself).
* Reading too much into what people say and being easily offended.
* Feeling like nobody cares if they don't mention the mc or ask how I am (even though I understand it is probably because they don't know what to say).
* Feeling agitated if people treat me normally (don't they know I have just lost a pregnancy!), yet also feeling annoyed if they are clucking over me too much (I blame the hormones!)
* (Undeliberately) Feel a bit put out when anyone I know complaining of ailments like a chest infection or sore foot - I would rather have any of these ailments than a mc, so how can they complain about such trivial stuff (Obviously I didn't mean it, but did feel like that at times).
* Completely baffled by pregnancy - the stats of pregnancy loss are so high so to have a full term successful pregnancy is actually a huge achievement, yet is often regarded as a natural, normal and everyday thing.
* Thinking 'if there are such high statistics of first pregnancies ending in miscarriage, how come I know <x> number of friends and families who have (thankfully!) never miscarried their first pregnancy'? (whom I am obviously very happy for).
* In total awe of women who enjoy being pregnant and can relax and be happy being pregnant, I doubt I can relax being pregnant again and I envy their ability to enjoy their pregnancies.
* Wondering how the hell I am going to cope or be able to relax if I am pregnant again.
* Feelings of terror that it (being pregnant) might never happen, mixed with flashes of positive thoughts that it will.
* Worried about when my periods will return and the hatred of being 'in limbo' waiting for it to come on.
I am not sure if this has been of any help to anyone, but it is just a brief list of how I have felt in recent weeks. I hope none of it has come across bitter in any way or that any of it has come across in the wrong way.
X
