how do i say

[paigeypoo]

im now in my 30th week of pregnancy after a second trimester loss 11 months ago. i find it realy hard to answer people when they ask 'is this your first?' i mean in reality it is my 4th child, 4th full on labour but i only have 2 kids at home. so how do i say it? 'this is my fourth but two have passed away.' i just dont want to put people in that awkward position where they wouldnt know what to say and i dont want to be talking my whole life story with just random strangers. I feel guilty every time i say this is my 3rd. it eats me away knowing that ive struggled for years to have this baby but cant seem to find a gentle way to discuss my history with complete strangers or even regular customers at work.

 

[korink26]

Sorry for your losses I think I'd just say no, I have other children---if they specifically ask how many you can say you have 2 at home--then you're not denying your other children but you're not giving more info than needed. If somebody doesn't already know that you have other children, then they're probably not somebody you're close enough with to have to discuss your painful past.

 

[Twinkie210]

I think it all depends on how you feel that day. I have several friends that struggle with this same issue (my loss was a 1st trimester loss, so I never really go there with strangers).

If you feel up to it I would just say, I have 4 other children, but only 2 living. Otherwise I would just mention your living children. I know not mentioning your angels makes you feel guilty, but I don't blame you for not wanting to go there with every stranger who feels the need to ask!

 

[Nikki_d72]

I've gotten to the stage where I just say "no, it's not" and leave it at that. I have one living daughter and twins who died also in midtrimester last year. I am sick of the question already as I work in a restaurant and am showing a lot even though I'm only 19 weeks.

I find it's working quite well so far, some people look at me quizzically and wait for further info but I just move on and don't give it! I know they are only trying to make conversation and be nice and they really don't want to hear the sad details of our losses any more than I want to give them to random strangers. I'm also too afraid of what they might say to me as well if i did tell all, after some of the insensitive comments or just "oh"'s that I've had to date.

I'm sorry for your loss and i hope you are getting through the insanity of this pregnancy as well as you can. xx