How do you cope with the unfairness of it all?

[Beanonorder]

Dh and I separated two weeks ago. I'm 20 weeks pregnant and we have an almost 2 year old dd.
This is supposed to be a trial separation while we work on our issues but to be honest I don't believe he's ever coming back. I thought we'd agreed on a 6 month separation but then he tells me he's signed an 8 month lease on his new place (beginning December) and has no intention of going anywhere before that time is up.
Up until he left he was staying home with dd while I worked full time. He got a job on the Thursday, moved out Sunday and started work on the Monday. I had to desperately search for a nanny and took two days off to settle dd with her.
I feel desperately sad for dd because her whole life has turned up inside down. She's gone from spending basically all day, every day with dh to seeing once, maybe twice in the week and once in the weekend.
But I'm also taking strain. I work all day and then come home to take care of dd. She has become extremely clingy and her sleep has gone to crap. I spend between one and two hours every night getting her to sleep and by that time I'm so tired I just go to bed so I get nothing else done and no time to myself. I finally got my nanny to babysit on Friday so I could meet some friends for a couple of hours and I was really sad to have to leave and go home. Meanwhile dh was sending messages telling me what he was doing. Tonight he said he might come round but now he's texted to say he promised his friend he'd go watch his band. Yesterday he was supposed to take dd out but ended up staying here instead so I didn't get anything I wanted done.
This separation was his choice and it feels like I'm just left doing everything while he gets to be free and do what he wants. I'm left with the unfair choice of either having things as they are or giving up dd and letting him take her. Which is obviously something I would never agree to.

It just seems so unfair that it's all on me when I didn't make any choices to get here. How do I just let it go and not end up bitter about it?

 

[Mummy1995]

Big hugs hun. My FOB isn't around so i have to do everything anyway but also get all the good times too. But i understand thw unfairness, it pisses me off a lot sometimes but i mostly don't think about it and when i do i just think about how much im gaining and how much he's missing out on! I have time when DDs older to be free and will also have the pride to know ive brought up a gorgeous happy girl! Its good that you have been out with your friends though, id try and make that at least a monthly thing and try as hard as you can to get time to yourself now and then xx

 

[baileybubs]

I agree with pp and I also try to focus on the things he is missing out on not what I am missing out on. It's hard because it is so unfair, and I'm in a similar kind of situation. Me and my ex were struggling anyways and I asked him to leave but hoping for it to be a trial, well now he's got an 18 year old girlfriend and same as your ex he's signed a contract on a new house. I hate how I am left with all of the responsibility whilst he's out drinking with friends and has already found time to get a new girlfriend. But I get all the love and adoration from my kids. Our ex's won't notice too much right now as they are busy off enjoying their new "freedom" but just wait til the children start playing up for them and missing you when it's daddy's time to have them. My ex already said to me in an upset voice last week "she kept shouting mamamama" whilst you weren't here. It will get to him and he'll hopefully step up and take on more responsibility. And if he doesn't then it's his loss, it's hard to see that right now but your children will know who has always been there for them. And you get to see all their first steps, words, days at school. You will be the one they come to when they are happy, sad and the one most important person to them. It's a big challenge and totally unfair that these men get to just walk away from their responsibilities like this but in the end they are the ones who will lose out on their amazing children and they will be the ones looking back with regret one day not us.

Big hugs Hun, keep your chin up, I know it must be so hard whilst you are pregnant too but you can do this.

 

[babycrazy1706]

It is so unfair but honestly if I thought about it too much it would weigh me down. I'm blessed to have my son and its a lot of hard work but I just have to get on with it. Ex has had numerous relationships since we split and I don't have time to go and meet anyone. It sucks but it's worth it. Big hugs. Xx

 

[moomin_troll]

I'd tell him ur setting certain days which he has to have dd or he can go swivel and not see her at all.
He's being so unfair! What an arsehole, I wouldn't want to get back with him after this