How do you deal with stubborn 4yr old?

[LaughOutLoud]

Im not sure if its pregnancy hormones or what but we never had terrible 2's or 3's really. However, I dont know what to do with a stubborn 4.5yr old?

Ive had a horrid day today and feel so guilty and emotional right now because I feel im making mountains out of mole holes but seriously, its things like ignoring me when getting washed and dressed, walking away at dinner times, and just general defiance.

I also expect her to wait in the bedroom and play instead of demanding to go down as soon as her eyes open now. Im thinking ahead for when baby no.2 arrives. This doesnt go down too well, lots of screaming and crying and I got really mean too.

She is generally a really sweet girl and we have never had to resort to a form of 'discipline'. I talk to her loads. I try to take myself away from the situation but this makes things worse for her and she ends up screaming. Im not sure how to handle or go about the defiance I guess.

 

[hattiehippo]

Tom can be very stubborn and often refuses to do things at the mo - must be the age!

He has been a handful all the way through the 2s and 3s so I've had lots of practice dealing with his difficult behaviour. At the mo I usually ask him to do something 2x and if he still doesn't then he gets 1 more chance before a toy goes in the kitchen cupboard or there's another consequence. It's very rare that he loses a toy because he pretty much always complies by the 2nd time.

We're struggling with him staying in bed 1st thing too. He does sometimes but often he'll decide he wants to Show me something and will shout for me and then screams a lot if I don't go in. It's something I need to tackle more but tbh I find it much harder to be firm 1st thing in the morning!

 

[LaughOutLoud]

Tom can be very stubborn and often refuses to do things at the mo - must be the age!

He has been a handful all the way through the 2s and 3s so I've had lots of practice dealing with his difficult behaviour. At the mo I usually ask him to do something 2x and if he still doesn't then he gets 1 more chance before a toy goes in the kitchen cupboard or there's another consequence. It's very rare that he loses a toy because he pretty much always complies by the 2nd time.

We're struggling with him staying in bed 1st thing too. He does sometimes but often he'll decide he wants to Show me something and will shout for me and then screams a lot if I don't go in. It's something I need to tackle more but tbh I find it much harder to be firm 1st thing in the morning!

I had planned on using a 'thinking spot' but at this age it isnt going to work as things just escalate so quick.

The toy being taken is a good one but wont work for us unfortunately. She has free reign to her toys and has a lot so dont think it would affect her if I took one away. There isnt really a 'favorite' either.

I have always taken her down in the mornings so may be its my fault now but she has been spending a while longer staying up at night when she isnt at nursery the next day. So she is going bed late but still waking so early. This child dont know how to relax. I told her she can go down on her own or play up for a bit and just wasnt having it. Im so lost how to tackle things at the moment and hate it when I dont know how to correctly.

I have tried giving her time in her room but again this just felt like I was locking her in so I ended up sitting on the stairs. The door handle is high and she did get out but it was awful.

 

[hattiehippo]

Could you limit TV or screen time or tell her she has to behave to earn her favourite program? Its a case of finding something they are bothered enough about to either earn or not lose. Toys works for Tom but I don't think TV time would because he can take or leave the TV.

I think you do need to take a step back too and try not to worry so much about not doing things right. No one is perfect and we all deal with things in the wrong way sometimes. I try hard now not to over react to small things because I find sometimes my reaction has made things escalate but having said that you can't ignore everything. I try and make sure I balance out any bad days with lots of cuddles and love.

I do find it helps to talk with Tom about what is good behaviour and how to treat each other kindly etc. He generally does behave well and if he doesn't it's normally for a reason like being over tired, feeling poorly or there's something big going do developmentally and he just struggles then. Its normal for 4 year olds to really push boundaries leading up to going to school. They want to be independent and big kids in so many ways but obviously we know all the things they still need help with and that they're still really small.

 

[polaris]

I think it must be an age thing, Thomas has been very challenging recently too. Just generally defiant, not listening, non-compliant, doing things specifically because I have just asked him not to. I've been putting it down to me going back to work in January but I think it is a stage of disequilibrium too. Think it's the half years that are always supposed to be challenging.

 

[brownlieB]

My daughter is 4 in September and the general defiance is starting now, I pick my battles wisely for example when washing hands after the toilet she'll play with the soap and generally do it slowly in her own time even though I've said "now rinse them off" so technically she's ignored my request but if I time out for everything I feel it'll become a meaningless punishment.

However things such as not eating nicely at the table, not holding hands when asked hiding and running off when it's time to get washed and dressed do get punished.

Does she go to school or day care? Ask what they're discipline routine is. My LO nursery use sitting out, if I say, she's going to sit in the naughty step it doesn't affect her but if I say sit out she knows I mean business.

For me removing toys didn't work either but we've decided on a discipline method and sticking to it as the only one as well, otherwise we were saying all kinds of threats I.e loose a story at bedtime, loose a toy, sit out, no more treats, no more peppa pig etc.

So choose one method and stick to it. Xx

 

[Quartz]

I came to accept it not so much as defiance but the start really of not only wanting to but needing to become more independent (particularly with starting school) and therefore wanting more control over herself and her surroundings.

What I did is told her what the non negotiables are, in effect the house rules, washing hands after toilet, cleaning teeth at night, getting dressed in suitable clothes, holding hands and looking when crossing the roads etc, all things we do as adults that she needs to do as she gets older. She has sees us doing them as well.

We have talked through ignoring me when I talk to her as well as she is much better now.

With the room thing I think saying to her its her choice as to whether she goes down by herself or stays in her room and play (we also have come in and cuddle with me but that one is up to you) and stick to those choices and explain that its fair as she can decide what she wants to do but cant expect everyone else to follow.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Oh yes this is my world at the moment too - I have a 5 week old baby and I think that's part of the cause .. If I'm honest I have no idea how to handle it as no tv, no stories at bedtime, no treats has no effect on her whatsoever .. I rang her nursery fighting back the tears this morning , she is fine there, I just want my happy little girl back

 

[brandonsgirl]

I'm glad I've found this thread! My little boy is 4 now, but has been rather stubborn since he was about two He is a real boy! and is often rather boisterous around other boys (which of course is expected, boys with be boys and play rough etc) but he doesn't seem to gather the concept that he cant act that way all the time. We have tried it all. Time outs, toys taken away, no tv time, no desert, no playtime outside etc, no toys at all. All of which haven't seemed to have any effect.

He is a sweet boy deep down. But its hard for everyone to see that when he comes across as 'naughty' I hate using that word. He just seems to get so over excited and animated about things too that he gets quite 'wild' and doesn't stop and listen to me etc.

I know its most likely a phase (a very very long phase) but I just hate other people looking at us like he is unruly or naughty. He's not, not really. He does seem to have a teenager attitude atm though, we're in trouble when he IS a teenager!

 

[Foogirl]

I handle our stubborn 4 year old by out stubborning her! And if she kicks off and has a screaming match about it I tell her I'm going to another room and will come back when she stops. She stops fairly soon and does as she is told after that.

 

[brandonsgirl]

My little boy doesnt really have screaming matches so much. Its more if I tell him no or I say/do something that he doesnt like he will do a very whiney arghhh! And go all spaghetti legs to the floor.

I ask him to go timeout and think about a way he could of reacted better. But he will just reply 'for how long' and go sit for 4 mins ( I usually let him out a lil sooner because he sits quietly etc) and he will explain he didnt react how he should of etc. But will still continue to react that way 10 mins later when I ask him to tidy his toys or no tv etc. Any suggestions? Feel like I/we have tried everything

 

[Mrs Doddy]

I'm trying a reward sticker chart again - it's not working I'm all out of ideas and getting very frustrated

 

[Foogirl]

I'm trying a reward sticker chart again - it's not working I'm all out of ideas and getting very frustrated

Oh these are useless for us. We had a "ball in the jar" type system. Good deed = ball in, bad deed = ball out. We realised it had epically failed the day she threw a massive tantrum, and as she screamed she picked up the jar, emptied them all out and proceeded to put them all away, still tantrumming. O how I laughed!

 

[LaughOutLoud]

oops, deleted!

 

[LaughOutLoud]

I handle our stubborn 4 year old by out stubborning her! And if she kicks off and has a screaming match about it I tell her I'm going to another room and will come back when she stops. She stops fairly soon and does as she is told after that.

Thank you. I think I will go with your approach as I do usually say im leaving the room when she doesnt get dressed and starts faffing around. This usually does help her snap out of it. Thank you. Will try this downstairs too.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Well I've got rid of the reward chart as it's not working, I know part of it is my fault and I need to choose my battles more carefully, if she wants to be fed I will feed her/get her dressed and hope she snaps out of it soon