how do you do it?

[megrenade]

I never imagined starting a family like this! This is my first pregnancy, and I'm 19.. and FOB is a total asshole to me.. he has abandonment issues, as well as extreme jealousy and anger problems - so there's no way we're working things out.

But, really.. how do you do it? It's so hard to find a job these days.. I have all the support in the world, but I really, really don't want to mooch off of people.

Not only that, but all of my close family lives 400 miles away. I have nobody here to be at the birth with me that I would feel comfortable with.

I live with my father, who makes a lot of money and is comfortable financially.. and the baby would be very secure -- but, I know I'm going to want my mom around for the birth.. I have no female friends here, and all my female relatives are all busy with their marriages and babies.. or are over 50.

If I live with my mom (400 miles away), I won't be financially stable.. because she lives out in the boonies, high elevation with tons of snow.. and I do NOT want to commute 20 miles into town, and 20 miles back on crappy roads until April.. while I'm pregnant.. the roads are dangerous!

I'm just torn on what to do - any advice?

 

[Laura2919]

I cant talk about the birth of your baby as me and FOB were very much a couple so he was there and so was my mum, I live close to all my family so thats another.

I can only talk about raising my children on my own and to be honest it was no different, FOB didnt do much anyway, he worked and worked and I moaned and moaned. The only thing that I like is that when my children grow up I can say I and myself only raised them. I dont think him having his kids 8 days out of 28 is raising them, its more like babysitting but thats a life he chose!

 

[mamashakesit]

I was in a slightly similar situation, although I was 1200 miles away from my entire family. My mom ended up flying out for the birth and staying for a week to help. After she left, I made the decision to move back to my family and stayed with my parents for 9 months. It sucked in ways because I was so used to being independent, but I know I really needed the help and support. You will find answers as your pregnancy progresses and once the baby is born. If I have one regret, it's that I continued to let FOB go back and forth, and forth and back on what he wanted to do. His drama got in my way of making good decisions from the get-go. I was preparing myself to be a single mother and was in that mentality early on in my pregnancy, when he decided to come back. Worse thing I ever did was entertain a reunion with him. I could have avoided a lot of unhappiness and indecision, had I kept that "single mother mentality" all throughout my pregnancy.

So I guess my suggestion is to really weigh out your options while you are pregnant and avoid getting caught up in FOB drama. Holding on hope that he will change will be the biggest ball and chain around your neck. Hey...I see you are in Oregon...that's where I had my LO. Love it out there...didn't want to leave! But yes...definitely an area where it is hard to find good jobs! But Oregon also has some great social programs that can help you out. Take advantage.

 

[Mally01]

Well I am 38! and this is my first baby and my 38 year old partner did not want this baby because he had (allegedly, it's debatable now if it's true) a child that died many years ago and he could not handle going throught that again (nice optimisim there). So it can happen no matter what age you are and to be honest I am not as financially secure as I would like to be. Due to the recession and my previous company closing, I lost an amazing job which took me years to get where I wanted to be and with great money.

If there is one thing I have learnt in life it's that most of your life plans just do not go according to plan. I never would have handled being a single mother very well at your age or even in my 20's because I had such a strict schedule of the way I wanted my life to pan out. So kudos to you. I think you should probably stay with your Dad. I know it sounds a bit materialistic but if I had the choice of staying with a parent with money to help my baby or staying with the parent who would not be able to help at all financially, I would just do what is best for the welfare of your child, at least until maybe things change or you get more secure yourself etc.