How do you keep your daughter from growing up too quick...?

[seoj]

Just curious...

We have a 13 (almost 14yr old) in our house... and she is SUCH an amazing kid. Very self assured and confident and way more open and honest and fearless than I ever was as a kid. I truly respect who she is. But, with that said, at times it can be very challenging to keep her a "kid". I know she's a young adult now really, but she is asking and wanting to do things that we (as her parents) feel are beyond her years. She has for some time.

Luckily, we have a very open and honest relationship with her, and although it's been a struggle at times... she respects our opinions and mostly listens. If not with some resistance at first.

Over the years- especially the past 2-3, we've have to struggle with her over wearing makeup, dating, shaving (um, certain area's) etc... all things that should come, in time, as one matures. But these days, it seems more and more these types of things are actually encouraged, if not pushed on our young girls.

We've also had to battle with her mom over these types of things. As she seems fully content when home, but the 10% she spends with her mom- it's like her mom is pushing her to grow up too fast. Doing her makeup to look more like 'Kim Kardashian' than a young girl... telling her she should shave her privates... um hello?! she was 12 at the time!!! And trying to get her to "date" boys behind our back and telling her to lie to us about it. Thankfully she is NOT that kid- and can't lie or if she even tries to keep something from us, she explodes with guilt soon after... lol.

How do you all deal? Have you found it to be the same if you have a daughter around this age? I know our situation is a bit unique in the fact she get's much of that "pressure" from her mom... her mom even told her once she should get her eyebrows waxed cause they were way too bushy!!! Um, her eyebrows are fantastic!!! And perfect just as they are-- so it's frustrating to have to combat this type of behavior.

We are very blessed she's such a good kid- and even though we KNOW she wanted to wear makeup sooner, or date sooner (she is ONLY allowed to have an "at school boyfriend" this year in 8th grade)- or dress more grownup-- we have been able to keep a handle on it because she values our insight and boundaries.

Anyone else?

 

[kittycat18]

I don't have a teenage daughter but at 18 years old I am a teenager myself It sounds as if you are handling the situation extremely well as most of the influence seems to be coming from her mother. Have you tried sitting down with your husband and her mother and having a conversation about the kinds of influences she is receiving and how it is affecting your home life (seeing as your step-daughter is with you and your husband most of the time)? As her father and step-mother I am sure you should have the same say in how your step-daughter behaves and acts, as her mother does?

I just wanted to say that I live in the United Kingdom where an adult is classed as being 18 years and above. I see some heartbreaking things which are now available in shops for young toddlers/girls such as thongs, revealing bikinis, high heels, bras etc etc. The pressures are existent from 2-3 years old now and gets worse and worse as the child ages. It has become almost socially acceptable for children in primary school (5-11 years old) to bleach their hair blonde or get blonde highlights and to straighten their hair??? I never did any of these things and when I was in 3rd year (13 years old), I was actually bullied because I didn't own a pair of straighteners and when I wore make-up (only eyeliner), I was bullied for being a goth. A few times I was hit at a teenage disco at 13-14 years old for not having my fake tan done (did this for the first time at 17!!!) and it used to really upset me. I also had comments made at me in primary 7 (11 years old) for not shaving my legs yet and let me tell you my hairs on my legs were blonde anyway!!!!!!!! Some of the pressures young girls face are terrible And it's even worse that it's coming from her mother!

 

[Ozzieshunni]

kittycat, in Scotland, an adult is 16 years old. England is 18 years old.

I think you are handling it very very well! My advice would be to keep open communication. I used to work with teens and they are fickle and get sick of being told what to do and it can make them shut down. My philosophy was to be as relaxed as possible while still giving advice to make sure they are safe. She seems to be a great kid and is receptive to this. Keep it up!

 

[seoj]

Oh for sure... we've have many many discussions with her as to WHY we set the rules and boundaries we set. That doesn't mean she always likes them, but, she does a great job of following our rules... and we do give her some leeway when she is with her mom, cause she isn't with us and we don't have control over that. However, we do need to trust SHE will make the right decisions- even when she is not with us. So, over the past couple years it's just gotten better and better... she is not influenced as much by her mom. She see's the mistakes and damage her mom does to her own life, and knows she does NOT want to end up like that. She loves her mom, of course. No matter what she does. But she is almost 14 and wiser and understand things much more- actually, more than most girls her age because of what she's been through in life. I won't get into all that... but her mom has caused some mental damage to her daughter, and her Dad and I have done a lot to make sure she is still strong and capable. I'm so thankful she's had her Dad for all those years prior-- he did such an amazing job raising her... even with all he went through and had to deal with. He brought up a strong young woman...

I'm also sure he's glad I came along when I did. lol. Cause she was just 9yrs old and about to go into hormonal mode! haha. So she can come and talk to me about things she may not discuss with her Dad... not that it's that much, she tells him most everything anyway. Just more personal girly things does she tell me only.

Thanks for your input and encouragement. I know things will just continue to get easier as they have. But I do worry a tad about high school next year and what that means for social pressure and what not on her as a girl.

I just want to keep her safe! But realize I can't be there 24/7, so we need to trust her judgement- which we do- but ya know, a teenage girl is a teenage girl... and they all (myself included) can do some stupid crap sometimes! lol.

kittycat18- You sound like a very strong woman yourself. Been through a lot and came out the other side better for it. Good for you!!!!

Ozzieshunni- Thanks

 

[lesleyann]

As a 19 year old i understand how she feels but as a parent i understand you to lol

I would say i grew up very fast but things in my life and my group of friends influenced this alot..

I would just say that if she does start to push more for makeup ect make a deal that when shes at home or just with family she can wear more makeup but not just out and about or for school...

With regards to shaving im no help to be honest ive been shaving everywhere since not long after my first period lol

But i think your doing a great job considering her own mother is trying to push all of this onto her!

 

[seoj]

Yeah, it's sad, cause I know she wouldn't even have brought most of this up had it not been for her mom and the influence she got over there... it was worse when her mom was married and had two older step-daughters (which they let do whatever they wanted- including makeup, dating etc...)- so my kid was exposed to that and got pressure to "make herself look better" (sheesh) from them as well. But honestly, she's just so naturally beautiful! I don't want her to ever think she NEEDS it!

But lately she hasn't pushed as much... and we've let her take "baby steps" to get to this point... I let her wear a little of this or that, but nothing too much- and we JUST started letting her wear mascara... but not lots, just a touch. Really though, she rarely wears it unless it's a "special" occasion. lol.

I remember pushing my mom to let me wear makeup when I was 13yrs old... it's normal.

Thanks for the insight ladies Much appreciated. I do feel like we are taking the right precautions with her at each stage... I just have to learn to let go a bit more... it's just SO hard watching her grow up so quickly! lol.

 

[lesleyann]

i never got the make up thing the most make up ive ever worn was mascara,eyeliner and foundation haha and that was a once a year works do at a posh hotel kind of thing.. however i am a bit ocd about shaving and dying my hair.

 

[seoj]

Lol... I can't go without makeup! I mean I can, it's possible- haha-- but I have blond eye brows and blond eye lashes... so I feel washed out without it! I even dye my eye brows so I don't have to color them in... but mascara is a MUST have! hehe. I do wish I could just wake up and go most days though... all this beauty crap is such a pain most of the time! haha. Or afford to hire a makeup artist and hair stylist... aaaaah, now I get why the stars do that! tehehe.

 

[kittycat18]

kittycat, in Scotland, an adult is 16 years old. England is 18 years old.

Oh sorry! I live in Northern Ireland

 

[kittycat18]

kittycat18- You sound like a very strong woman yourself. Been through a lot and came out the other side better for it. Good for you!!!!

Thank your very much for your reply. I suppose everyone has to deal with negative situations at some stage in their lives no matter what age they are or where they are (whether it be a school environment, home or even work). In response to you saying that teenagers do some pretty stupid crap at times, I completely agree with this statement. I feel as if once a young person reaches a certain age, they almost feel as if they HAVE to rebel to be treated as an adult or to get what the want even though in most cases they are still to irresponsible or immature to be treated this way.
I will be brutally honest and say I put my parents through hell with some of the things I did when I was younger but now my 14 year old brother is a lot worse. He is very intelligent and goes to a very good school so I don't see where he is receiving his negative influence from He has recently been caught smoking, caught bunking school, caught being drunk, he has been failing his classes, not sitting his exams, not going to class, not going to his recreational college, starting fights everyday at home and he wins because my mum gets so upset and drained that she just can not handle the situation... I feel terrible for my parents because I hate to think what I put them through now that Gléann is acting 100 times worse than I ever did... Maybe it's an age thing

 

[Angel.Mummy]

i don't have a teenager myself but i am 14 yo ,
for the makeup i would maybe suggest a light foundation thats barely noticeable if you felt comfortable with that because it would make her feel more grown up if you get me.
i don't know about the shaving tbh :/

 

[seoj]

kittycat18- You sound like a very strong woman yourself. Been through a lot and came out the other side better for it. Good for you!!!!

Thank your very much for your reply. I suppose everyone has to deal with negative situations at some stage in their lives no matter what age they are or where they are (whether it be a school environment, home or even work). In response to you saying that teenagers do some pretty stupid crap at times, I completely agree with this statement. I feel as if once a young person reaches a certain age, they almost feel as if they HAVE to rebel to be treated as an adult or to get what the want even though in most cases they are still to irresponsible or immature to be treated this way.
I will be brutally honest and say I put my parents through hell with some of the things I did when I was younger but now my 14 year old brother is a lot worse. He is very intelligent and goes to a very good school so I don't see where he is receiving his negative influence from He has recently been caught smoking, caught bunking school, caught being drunk, he has been failing his classes, not sitting his exams, not going to class, not going to his recreational college, starting fights everyday at home and he wins because my mum gets so upset and drained that she just can not handle the situation... I feel terrible for my parents because I hate to think what I put them through now that Gléann is acting 100 times worse than I ever did... Maybe it's an age thing

It's great you recognize what you put your parents through... but yes, most teenagers do go through that "rebellious" stage for sure!!! My parents lucked out that I was a straight laced kid in High School- I didn't do a bunch of stupid crap till I was in my early 20's... when really, I should have been old enough to know better... BUT... we all have our moments I guess. lol. At the time, I just thought well Hey, least I'm making informed decisions and doing my best to be "smart" about it... LOL... Ah, the things we tell ourselves!!! But, truth be told- I can't say I regret the things I did... cause maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today otherwise??? I'm sure the same goes for you as well... We are a sum of all our parts... the good and the "not so good" lol. But, if we are wiser and stronger for it... then maybe there was a reason behind all the craziness.

Best of luck to you... your parents AND your brother

 

[fluffyblue]

My daughter is 10, 5ft 5 and 8 stone she is in a 34b bra and started her periods last thursday, all of these things are done by mother nature. She has hairy armpits, lady bits and legs.

She begged me to do her armpits so i use a cream hair remover i couldnt possiblyet her go out with them also her ladybits are so hairy again on the advice of my health visitor we immac her bits but i refuse to let her do her legs.

She is very bright and intelligent she is in a size 10 ladies and all ive let her do is grow up naturally im dreading teenage years !!

 

[kittycat18]

It's great you recognize what you put your parents through... but yes, most teenagers do go through that "rebellious" stage for sure!!! My parents lucked out that I was a straight laced kid in High School- I didn't do a bunch of stupid crap till I was in my early 20's... when really, I should have been old enough to know better... BUT... we all have our moments I guess. lol. At the time, I just thought well Hey, least I'm making informed decisions and doing my best to be "smart" about it... LOL... Ah, the things we tell ourselves!!! But, truth be told- I can't say I regret the things I did... cause maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today otherwise??? I'm sure the same goes for you as well... We are a sum of all our parts... the good and the "not so good" lol. But, if we are wiser and stronger for it... then maybe there was a reason behind all the craziness.

Best of luck to you... your parents AND your brother

I couldn't have said it better myself. We wouldn't be the people we are today if we hadn't of made mistakes and done certain things which we regretted and fortunately, learnt from Thank you very much, I hope things work out with your step-daughter xox

 

[seoj]

My daughter is 10, 5ft 5 and 8 stone she is in a 34b bra and started her periods last thursday, all of these things are done by mother nature. She has hairy armpits, lady bits and legs.

She begged me to do her armpits so i use a cream hair remover i couldnt possiblyet her go out with them also her ladybits are so hairy again on the advice of my health visitor we immac her bits but i refuse to let her do her legs.

She is very bright and intelligent she is in a size 10 ladies and all ive let her do is grow up naturally im dreading teenage years !!

Wow... sounds like me about that age... I was very curvy by age 13/14!!! Most of the time when I was in 9th grade, the boys thought I was older! More like 16/17... yikes!!! I'm SO thankful my SD is still very thin and looks her age... some of her friends are so much older looking with curves and all!!! lol. I'm scared for the day she wakes up and WHAM, she's filled out!!! haha...

Guess all we can do is our best... and hope they don't grow up TOO fast. But seems too fast no matter what! lol.

 

[fluffyblue]

To be honest it scares me to death, buying bras even i dont get push up ones or lacy ones because she it too young. She is very curvy and has just had a growth spurt and has now evened out and is delightfully tall and slim. She is a very pretty girl as well and looks much older than her 10 years.

She luckily doesnt mix much with other children out of school yet and is definately not interested in boys !

 

[seoj]

To be honest it scares me to death, buying bras even i dont get push up ones or lacy ones because she it too young. She is very curvy and has just had a growth spurt and has now evened out and is delightfully tall and slim. She is a very pretty girl as well and looks much older than her 10 years.

She luckily doesnt mix much with other children out of school yet and is definately not interested in boys !

Lucky you!!! My SD has been "boy crazy" since she was little... even when I first met her at 9yrs old she was talking about boys! We've had to hold her back in that dept... as in Middle school she see's SO many girls with "boyfriends" and dating and this or that... it's scary!!!! I was so not like that when I was her age... I didn't talk to random boys! But she is just so much more self assured and out going... she doesn't care. She has lots of guy friends too-- so I do hope she continues to listen to us and make smart decisions (well, as best she can for a teenager) when she goes into high school... yikes!!!! I do worry a bit, even though she is a smart girl. I know how crushes can make us do some stupid things! lol.

Basically... cherish the boy free times while you can!

 

[noshowjo]

Just curious...

We have a 13 (almost 14yr old) in our house... and she is SUCH an amazing kid. Very self assured and confident and way more open and honest and fearless than I ever was as a kid. I truly respect who she is. But, with that said, at times it can be very challenging to keep her a "kid". I know she's a young adult now really, but she is asking and wanting to do things that we (as her parents) feel are beyond her years. She has for some time.

Luckily, we have a very open and honest relationship with her, and although it's been a struggle at times... she respects our opinions and mostly listens. If not with some resistance at first.

Over the years- especially the past 2-3, we've have to struggle with her over wearing makeup, dating, shaving (um, certain area's) etc... all things that should come, in time, as one matures. But these days, it seems more and more these types of things are actually encouraged, if not pushed on our young girls.

We've also had to battle with her mom over these types of things. As she seems fully content when home, but the 10% she spends with her mom- it's like her mom is pushing her to grow up too fast. Doing her makeup to look more like 'Kim Kardashian' than a young girl... telling her she should shave her privates... um hello?! she was 12 at the time!!! And trying to get her to "date" boys behind our back and telling her to lie to us about it. Thankfully she is NOT that kid- and can't lie or if she even tries to keep something from us, she explodes with guilt soon after... lol.

How do you all deal? Have you found it to be the same if you have a daughter around this age? I know our situation is a bit unique in the fact she get's much of that "pressure" from her mom... her mom even told her once she should get her eyebrows waxed cause they were way too bushy!!! Um, her eyebrows are fantastic!!! And perfect just as they are-- so it's frustrating to have to combat this type of behavior.

We are very blessed she's such a good kid- and even though we KNOW she wanted to wear makeup sooner, or date sooner (she is ONLY allowed to have an "at school boyfriend" this year in 8th grade)- or dress more grownup-- we have been able to keep a handle on it because she values our insight and boundaries.

Anyone else?

hi , i just noticed your post , in it you said about her spending time with her mom , ( is she your foster child ) only reason i ask is i am a foster parent , and my foster daughters bio mum , always try to make her more grown up than she is , she is only 8 but her mum buys her make up and nail varnish , and , on birthdays even when she was about 6 , she would come home from seeing mum with a full face of make up , i beleive they should be children for as long as possible , but truth be told at 13 nearly 14 , she probably gonna wanna start acting and looking alittle bit older , maybe comprmise . tell her lip gloss NOT lip stick . painted nails nice clear or baby pink .NOT false ones , maybe show her some photos of celebritys looking over dressed with trashy make up on , then show her celebs that look a bit classy , teens always relate to celebs so maybe that will work

 

[seoj]

She's my Step-daughter (hubbies daughter), but we have her full time. She only has every other weekend with her mom... rest of time is with us. Long story short- she doesn't get the same guidance and healthy love there that she does with us...

We've definitely compromised with her... all about the "baby steps" lol. And I'm sure we'll have more talks as she enters High School this year. She has come home (more than once) back when she was 11-12 after her mom "did her makeup" and seriously, it was like Kim Kardashian!!! AKA- TONS of dark black eye makeup and fake nails (luckily just the press on kind) with black tips etc... WAY over the top for her age. Shoot, way over the top for MY age! lol. Fortunately, that hasn't happened in a long time... over a year or so??? She is such a beautiful girl- I just want her to love herself naturally, then enhance with makeup when wanted etc... but not to overtake her beauty with it. If that makes sense.

Thanks for your advise... really, just curious if other mom's experience the same (which they obviously do) and how they handle it... as I'm sure there will be more pushes to do this or that as she get's older. I think I am handling it well- but always nice to get other feedback and input

Thanks ladies!!!

 

[Joesgirl]

I agree that the majority of this influence sounds like it is from her mother, who seems to being trying to be a "friend" and not a parent. It's a good thing she has you and her dad to be the voice of reason and guidance!

By the way, I have an 8 year old daughter and I am not looking forward to all the above! They really do have so much pressure put on them these days, and just like you want for your SD, I want my daughter to love and respect herself and to know that beauty only goes so far. My daughter is also incredibly naturally beautiful and it would break my heart to ever see her exploited. I just want to protect her as you do your daughter. You sound like an amazing mom.