How is your OH bonding with LO?

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by mum2b2009, Dec 21, 2009.

  1. mum2b2009

    mum2b2009 mummy of two boys!

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    since my boy has been born the OH hasn't really made any effort with him! he doesn't play with him or nurse him,only if i ask him to. Tries to spend as much time out of the house.He seems to resent him and the fact that we are a family! things are not how i thought they would be tbh. maybe it will take longer for him to bond?? any advice please?
     
  2. lyre

    lyre Well-Known Member

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    maybe he is a bit overwhelmed by it all. it can be hard to bond when you feel like you cant interact, maybe when your lo starts smiling etc, your oh will find it easier. best thing is probably to talk to him without making him feel bad and see how he feels since lo was born, its still early days for you all. my oh loves singing to our lo, but he finds the crying stressful so he doesnt enjoy bath time. may be find something they can do together that is enjoyable and it might encourage him. sometimes when my oh cant stop our lo crying he loses faith and thinks hes useless....so i think confidence is important. sorry for the ramble, hope it helps a little x:hugs:
     
  3. Lucy_lu_84

    Lucy_lu_84 Pregnant with #2

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    Agree with above post!

    It may just be hard for you OH because your Lo isn't really doing much yet... my Oh has always liked cuddles with our LO, but now he's bigger he plays with him much more and I think thats because he responds to him now :D
     
  4. mum2b2009

    mum2b2009 mummy of two boys!

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    He also has some crazy idea that he cries on purpouse when we are having some us time! its upsetting.
     
  5. xxxjacxxx

    xxxjacxxx My Eggo is Preggo!

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    cries on purpose? thats ridiculous.:dohh:
    Sounds like he's having a hard time adapting to fatherhood...may sound silly but do you think he could be jealous of the baby? You obviously spend the majority of your time with him so maybe he's feeling a bit pushed out.
    A lot of fathers can feel this way.....
    try talking to him about your fears and see if you can get to the bottom of it.:hugs:
     
  6. nikki_j

    nikki_j Mummy to my baby Aiden :)

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    Hi hun, I know how you feel, it was the same with my little one, my OH really didn't seem interested and always seemed to come up with an excuse to be out of the house lol. Aiden was quite a screamer and it used to stress my OH out, and he told me he couldn't cope with the screaming. The rows we had over this bonding issue were pretty huge, it made me feel very upset and it also upset him by me saying these things (amazing how tiredness can make things seem 1000 times worse aswell). I don't remember the last time he changed a nappy or gave him a bottle BUT what I will say is since Aiden has been smiling and reacting to us, OH has been ALOT more involved with interacting with him and wanting to have cuddles etc.

    When I spoke to my dad about all this, he said alot of men are different when it comes to babies, us women find even the remote things cute, like a slightly different facial expression lol, but alot of men don't tend to become involved until LO starts "doing" things where OH can really get involved in. So when I had calmed down and stopped getting upset, I spoke to OH and he said once Aiden was playing with toys etc, I won't be able to drag him away, but he finds the newborn baby screaming demanding stage too stressful and doesn't know what to do with him.

    I hope that helps hun, I know how disheartening it feels, but I'm sure it will get better. It's not fair I know, it is SUCH hard work in the first few months, and I literally did everything myself. But it IS getting better. Lots of hugs xxx
     
  7. Snowball

    Snowball Resident badass

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    My Dh has been the same with all 3 of ours. He ignores all the hard work bits when they are younger and then reaps the rewards of when they start communicating a bit more (whilst temporarily handing them back for potty training purposes ;)).

    It's a man thing I think. When Ozzie was a couple of weeks back I overheard him saying when babies are tiny they are a bit 'boring' because there's not a lot he can do. As our other two got to around 4 months is when he really took notice. I think when they are younger and more dependant they take a step back because they'll never be as good as us multitasking women :smug: (no offence meant men :D)
     
  8. nikki_j

    nikki_j Mummy to my baby Aiden :)

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    :haha well said :p xx
     
  9. elly75

    elly75 Guest

    Like it was mentioned earlier, all OH's are different in the way they react or bond with little ones.

    Hubby has been extremely supportive of little one and myself. He'll feed the little guy, change him, play and read with him too. If he sees that I'm getting frazzled, he'll tell me to relax and he'll look after Christian.

    I feel incredibly lucky to have such an involved OH.

    Have a talk with your OH though. See if you can work things out or have some sort of arrangement. You need some 'me' time too. :)
     
  10. Kiddo

    Kiddo Well-Known Member

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    My OH loves doing baby massage with Harvey. We were lucky that he happened to be off work when the classes started. Now I go to the classes and teach OH what we've learned each week. Harvey loves it too.
     
  11. lozenge

    lozenge Well-Known Member

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    Hi hun, try not to feel too disheartened. I think it is generally a bloke thing. They aren't too into the whole baby thing- they much prefer the toddler stage when they can mess around with them (and buy toys for them that they would secretly like to play with themselves!). Case in point- I recently saw a man post on here, his baby was 1 week old, and he was asking at what point do babies start to play and grab things!!

    My OH was/is the same. About a month ago he admitted he isn't very into babies, and felt a bit jealous that he didn't feel how I do about LO. He said he loves him, but he sees how besotted I am with him and felt a bit disappointed that he wasn't the same. I was quite upset about this at first, as I always had envisaged having a LO and the daddy being really into the pregnancy and absolutely besotted with the baby. But my OH definitely wasnt into the pregnancy thing and very much was not a newborn person! Don't get me wrong he will feed him etc and change him (although he wont deal with pooey nappies!), but I just think he much more into the stage when they can play more and talk... etc. I think also as we have carried LO for 9 months, given birth to them etc, the maternal bond is a lot stronger at first. As my LO has started to smile a lot more and interact with us, OH has developed a stronger bond. However there are still nights when LO will decide to have a screaming fit and OH will get stressed about it.

    I think you will find as your LO grows and starts smiling etc, it will help your OH loads :) xx
     
  12. Szaffi

    Szaffi Well-Known Member

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    Definitely every guy reacts differently. I am very lucky to have a very involved husband. I think it helped that he has his own 'territory' in babycare - as he has been doing bathtime from day 1, which our daughter utterly enjoys, though she can't smile yet. But he'll do nappies when I ask him, and helps with burping the LO after BF. It seems to me that he gets more stressed out when Bibi is screaming than me, but then again, a screaming baby is pretty stressful for everyone.

    I hope you'll OH will come around. Try to encourage him to do some more enjoyable tasks first, like giving baby a bath or a massage. That might give him a chance to bond with your LO. Good luck :hugs:
     
  13. faille

    faille Mummy & WTT

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    Try googling 'men with PND' or a similar term and read some of the articles that come up and see if you can relate to them.

    It isn't always that the guy just "isn't interested" in the LO, it's hard for them to bond and adapt, too.

    My OH was always saying how he couldn't wait until she was responding to her name, smiling, laughing, talking, walking etc but he always got involved from day 1 and spent quality time with her as well. I don't think it's "normal" for men to take a back seat and show no interest in the baby until it's 'x' months old (I don't mean not helping with nursing etc, I mean any interest in LO).
     
  14. TigerLady

    TigerLady CaveTiger Clan Mama

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    My DH has had a really hard time, too. TBH, I think he went through a few phases -- when LO was first born, it was all new and kinda cool. DH got a bit of extra attention from others as a "new daddy." That last about 2 weeks.

    Then he realized how much of MY time LO took -- how LO's needs always came first. How I was always on DH's case to be more aware of how what he did affected the baby (e.g. stop making so much noise when you come through the door! You are waking the baby that I JUST got to sleep! :hissy: )

    This made him start to resent the baby. Also, he had a terrible time trying to figure out how to soothe and comfort LO. So LO would always cry when DH held him and DH couldn't make him stop. It was all very frustrating for DH. I think he felt like a crap father to a son who had stolen his wife away. :dohh:

    That lasted a couple of months. JUST when I was at my wits' end and starting to worry about their bonding... LO got more interactive. He started to smile and giggle and play more. He got a bit bigger and "tougher" and would interact with DH more. DH was able to start to help LO practice sitting, standing, and rolling.

    Then, the magic day, at about 4.5 months old, when LO laughed... really laughed... JUST for DH for the first time. I finally saw happy tears in DH's eyes and it has been much better since. Now, DH comes in the door and wants LO first thing -- who is all smiles for his Daddy. :cloud9:

    ok, that was long! :haha:

    My point -- it will get better. Try to encourage bonding when you can, but try not to force it. It will come when they are ready. :)
     
  15. kelseyyy

    kelseyyy Well-Known Member

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    Hi hun I had the same problem with my DH as it seemed like I was doing everything while he would sit in the background and do nothing. I do agree with all of these posts however in my own opinion I feel that it is wrong for DH not to change nappies or make bottles and feed LO. I mean (thinking that LO is DH's baby :dohh:) I believe he should be doing almost the same amount of work. I mean yes its true I think that they have an adjustment period too, but what if women had to take sooo loooonggg to adjust, where would our LOs be? I just think its terrible for a guy to have a baby and not help his wifey out with him/her! I mean it's his baby too. I too think its just a man thing though, but some are worse than others obviously.


    good luck dear xx
     
  16. Connah'sMommy

    Connah'sMommy Well-Known Member

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    He sound very overwhelmed hun but im sure he will adapt to fatherhood soon!
    Just get him to do the odd little bit with your LO and maybe that will help.

    Im really lucky as my OH has taken really well to it.
    What we did though was make 1 thing his own 'little thing' to do with connah....e.g OH always does Connah's bedtime feed(obv only if your OH is available,he could do this?)
    Now Connah will still take his bottle from me at bedtime but he does enjoy having his daddy do it :cloud9:

    Give your OH some time,im sure he'll come round:hugs:
     
  17. Foogirl

    Foogirl Baby Abby 11 weeks early

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    I never really gave him the choice. Abby was in NNICU so our situation was slightly different, but he did her first nappy and now does most of them when he is home. He fed her when I had EBM to give her, and he has always done most of her baths.

    In the early days he found it difficult to deal with the crying and the whinging and when colic kicked in it was hell for him. He admitted he didn't like her and what she was doing to us (we would bicker and snap at each other) I pointed out that we bickered and snapped at times before she came along, I didn't like her much when she was like that either, and that it would get better. It was about a week later she started to be more responsive. I was staying with my mum and he had a week at home. He saw a difference when we came back and it has got better and better.

    But even through all of that, no matter how hard he was finding it, he still pulled his weight. I did have to remind him a couple of times that I was doing it all day every day so when he was here, it would be nice if he would, say, put her down for her naps rather than letting me do it. But for the most part, he stepped up to the plate right from the start.

    I'd say it has more to do with a blokes relationship with you pre-baby, than any feelings of whatever they are experiencing afterwards. Mr Foo has always pulled his weight and would always recognise when I needed help with things. I think if your OH didn't do this before, they won't do it after.

    As Kelseyy says, women have trouble adjusting and dealing with things, but the baby still needs fed and changed and bathed. It's too easy to make excuses about how a bloke "feels" and let them off the hook.

    Snowball, you need to sit him down and talk to him and let him know what you need and ask him to help you some more. Regardless of how he feels about becoming a dad, he is surely still a husband? He should be making sure you are ok too.

    Of course you should ask him what he needs, and look for ways to include him. Bathtime is ideal. Mr Foo loves that baths are his time with her.
     

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