How is your OH dealing?

[SpringCrane]

My first pregnancy was successful and resulted in my son, who will be 2 next month. Last year I had a surprise pregnancy that ended as a MMC with a D&C. At the time, I was very practical about it and didn't show a lot of emotion. I had a gut feeling before the scan that showed no heartbeat, so I was sort of mentally prepared for the bad news. I was scared at the idea of having another baby so soon (my due date was my son's 2nd birthday) when we had planned on a larger age gap. All this is to say that I handled the news and procedure well, considering how sad it all was. My husband was more shocked by the bad news, but after a solitary cry (which I found out about later), he was practical about it too--he knew the likelihood of miscarriage, and kind of took it in stride.

Well, it's been six months since the D&C, and he seems to have completely forgotten about the pregnancy, miscarriage, or any of it. It's something that will stay with me forever, our baby that could have been, but to him it's just sort of a bad day to forget about. We're talking about trying for our next baby, and I keep stumbling over calling it baby #2 or #3 or my "second" pregnancy or my "third" because I don't want to act like it didn't happen. I try to talk about it sometimes, but he doesn't seem to notice or care or whatever. He's a great guy, and if I sat down and said, I need to talk about my feelings about losing our baby, he would absolutely, but that's not what I want. I just want him to acknowledge that the next baby/pregnancy is not our second, but our third. Is that weird?

If it was our first pregnancy, I think it'd be more about whether I could have a successful pregnancy (and I realize there's no guarantee I will have another--but he doesn't seem to think these's any chance of it not working next time) and he'd be more saddened by the loss. But as things are, it's just something to forget about because "these things happen."

 

[Pinkys Brain]

I just made a post yesterday (I am the OH in our relationship).

It doesn't go into things explicitly and doesn't really compare to your situation but it explains how I'm (not) coping with it.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

My DH still doesn't acknowledge that I've been pregnant four other times, although only two ended in live births. The other two resulted in mc. He thinks that since I didn't "give birth" to them in his sense of the words that they don't count. I consider that I technically did give birth, except my babies were only 7/8 weeks instead of 37 weeks and 39 weeks like my other two. I still count them as my children, even though I never got to meet them. I was still pregnant with them and had very real symptoms. My body carried them at one time. They had to leave my body some way (one was natural, one was d&c). I guess the fact that they were born sleeping and he was not able to hold them doesn't make it seem real to him, like they existed. It really made me feel bad when he says it though.

 

[hanni]

It's not weird at all that you feel like that. I think men just handle things differently and think they need to stay strong for us and that's how they do it. My OH went out and bought a 2 seater sports car a month after our loss and I was furious that he seemed to have just gotten over it so quickly. When I confronted him about it he said its not that he doesn't think about it or still feel sad, he just doesn't want to bring it up and upset me. He still talks about it when I bring it up though.
Sorry for you loss.

 

[minimoocow]

I think it's just not "as real" for (some) men and for others the forgetting about it is a way of coping.

I had a MC last week and 2 things DH said in a similar vein are

1. "It might not have even been a baby"

So what was it then? I know what he means - it was early. I should have been nearly 9 weeks but there was no development past 5 weeks so yes our "baby" wasn't a baby in the sense that it didn't have a head, limbs a heartbeat etc. He is practically saying we are grieving for what could have been not what was but grrr why so matter of fact? Why not just have a good cry about it like me?


2. Me: "Has it been bothering you today at work?" (I was at home off sick). Him: "No I've been too busy so I've not really been thinking about it"

Great, I wish I could think about something else . . . but then I went back to work 2 days later as I was moping about feeling miserable so I get what he means.

Both comments were completely honest and in no way meant to hurt so I've not taken offense but good examples of the "Men are from Mars" theory!

Try not to get upset about your OH's reaction. I'm sure he is coping as best he can whilst still hurting. We all react in ways we don't mean to when we are upset. I'm a bundle of hormones at the minute. I've gone from sad to angry. I told DH I hated him the other day because I was cross (at the world not him but he was there) - so maybe we are even!

 

[AnnieMac2]

My situation is very similar to your situations.

I didn't want to talk about it with dh because I wanted him to feel it genuinely, and I thought it was pointless. After months, I became resentful and lashed out. The resulting conversations actually made things better. It helped to hear him validate my feelings and find some common ground, even though he'll never feel it like I feel it. At the very least, he no longer makes comments that stir up the resentment, which has helped us move forward.

Good luck to you.