I'm not enjoying it either. I have to pump a lot because she isn't too efficient and I need to get sleep. When I don't sleep I get stressed and weepy (hormones + no sleep = bad combo for me) and then I don't produce much milk. I've had one issue after another. First it was milk production, resulting in cracked and bloody nipples. Then it was crap latch making it hurt. Then it was my diet, where she had horrible diarrhea from whatever was in my milk. I threw out everything in the fridge and started anew (that was week 2). This week it was her rejecting my milk and I discovered the enzyme in milk goes bad after a certain time -- it had a metallic and soapy smell. I had to chuck out 75% of what was in the fridge. Again. Now I think my right nipple might slight thrush. She can't latch properly on the left most times because it's flat and doesn't protrude. My nipples always feel wretched and occasionally (though not often) I get random sensations running through my breasts. And did I mention the hormones and libido? I have none right now. Oh, and I periodically get weepy or mad at my husband for no damned reason. I feel like I have PMS symptoms on steroids some days.
So, yes, sterilizing bottles and nipples isn't much fun, but then neither is being up constantly at night, or being unable to go anywhere (without the baby) all because the sole person responsible for feeding is me. I prefer to pump and sterilize everything because - for example - last night I got 8 hours of sleep, only woke once around 3.5-4 hours to pump and my husband fed the baby. I have also begun exercising again and was able to go out for a jog today. On a more serious note, last week I had a bureaucratic appointment on the other side of the city in which I didn't want to take her because I had to be in a waiting room full of foreigners from around the world. I was worried she might catch something either from the public transit on the way there or from the 50+ sitting in close proximity to each other. If I didn't have her father feeding her from a bottle then none of these situations would have been easily possible this early on.
I don't think this is going to last for me. I've made it into month 2 now, so my plan is to take it week by week. I hope to make it to the end of month 2. If I can do that, then I believe I can make it to 12 weeks. Not that anyone is counting (yeah, right) but for me that will be the third week in June I believe. But even 8 weeks would make me happy. I've started freezing my milk to see if that helps with the enzyme issue (midwife says it likely will if I then use the milk quickly after it's thawed, like within half a day or less).
In any case, I don't like this at all. I just feel pain and upset and guilty for not enjoying it. In contrast I feel much more bonded with my daughter when we're cuddling, napping, and "playing" together. She's already smiling at me when I talk to her and she gets excited when she hears my voice. She gladly takes the bottle from me even if she does that eye movement, rooting for, and sniffing towards my breasts (this actually really bothers me and makes me feel depressed because I feel like a dairy cow and that's it...).
I hope it get easier soon, because my mum is leaving next week and I have a toddler to care for too!
however long you end up BF for you should be SO proud of yourself, whether you stop today or in 12 months.
