How long to wait? Help!

[Kess]

I posted in my "I'm new" thread about how desperate I am for a child, and someone (Mrs JJ?) suggested it would be better to marry before moving house. That set me thinking and I talked with OH.

We live an hour's drive from my family, and we were intending to move in about 2 years closer to them and then get married and then have a baby. The idea has come up that we could have the baby while we lived here rather than waiting till we moved, and OH would be happier with this since he currently has a secure job and we have a suitable house etc. But I'm worried. I suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder, which are currently controlled by anti-depressant medication. I know two of the risk factors for post-natal depression are previous depression and distance from family support network. I think I'm also likely to have to come off the anti-d's when pregnant, for the baby's safety and for nursing.

I will learn to drive before we even think about getting pregnant, and my Mom is learning to drive atm, so if things got really bad either I could visit there or Mom could visit here, but it's not the same as being ten minutes away is it? But then, if we wait until we can afford a house within ten minutes of my parents' that we like, I'll be much older than I want to be when having my family.

Another thing to consider is that I'd like to do some aspects of attachment parenting, and have baby sleep in the same room as me. My Mom has already expressed negativity about this. So being a little further away might be a good thing...

Help! I can't think straight!

I could end up having an angelic baby, who in giving me something wonderful to focus on makes me less depressed (this has happened to a couple of people I know), or I could end up having the colicky, needy, screaming-non-stop baby who lives on 2 hours sleep in every 24 hours, and be desperately in need of support.

A couple of people have told me that an hour's drive isn't that far, and that there is other support available locally for people with mental health issues, and I do have a couple of friends in the area. But someone else warned that they were 200 miles from her parents when they had their baby and had to move when bubs was 2 months old because she couldn't cope, and she didn't have PND! She said it spoiled the first year of bubs' life for her.

Any thoughts, experiences or ideas?

 

[Mrs. JJ]

Aw Kess! My suggestion really threw you through a ringer didn't it!

Now keep in mind, that's was just my personal experience but then I also bought a house like an idiot when we really couldn't afford it, at the peak of house prices with a crappy loan. We didn't realize what we were getting ourselves into so we ended up having to postpone any engagement or wedding plans. Not to mention I didn't want to have to worry about losing baby weight before my wedding (I have enough trouble with regular weight!).

It sounds like with your depression and anxiety you would certainly benefit from having your family close at hand when you have a baby but then an hour isn't too far. Also I think you're so right about having the baby sleep with you in the same room. It's actually great for you and the baby, feedings and midnight changes don't have to be a huge ordeal so you and the baby will get more rest and you'll bond more. Sounds like mom just isn't informed yet so if you get her to learn more about it she'll probly come around. This is a website for co-sleeping (or family bed) which is a little different then having the baby in his/her own cot but there's a lot of good information:

cosleeping.org

Hope this helps and don't stress about it. When it's time things will come together and just flow but they WILL happen, promise!

 

[Mrs. JJ]

Also I found these wonderful beds that actually butt right up to your own bed to the baby is always very close at hand.

Arm's Reach Crib

 

[goddess25]

I live thousands of miles from any family support (family in UK & I Live in Canada)and although its very tough, when that baby arrives you have to just get on with life looking after the baby becomes your #1 priority and everything I worried about before hand does not seem to be such a big deal anymore. Obviously I wish that my family were closer and I do have a major guilt complex over this, its fine and we manage. I have skype on my laptop and visit with my parents at least once a week on it, the world is a much smaller place these days.

I also have my baby sleeping in the same room. We dont co sleep as I was worried I would roll onto him, we just have a bassinet at the side of the bed and am planning on when he gets to 6 months will put him into his own room. We will see if this happens, but for now him in the same room is much easier for nursing and just getting used to him, i was obviously worrying about him overnight to begin with but now am a bit more chilled out.

Whatever order and direction you choose to move your life in will be the right decision for you, you can analyse these things for ever. Just do whatever you feel is the right choice everything will be fine in the end.

Good Luck!

 

[Kess]

Yes it did throw me a ringer Mrs JJ, thanks for that!

Moving first wouldn't be such a big problem I don't think, because we'd be timing it to be near the bottom of the property crash here. It's just the timing issue, really - I can feel like I'm getting to where I want to be in my life (married and baby) sooner if we stay here for a bit longer and do those things first.

I've spoken to my sister, and she says if we time it right she'll come and stay for a while (if she's still at uni and we time it over summer she can come for a couple of months) and help.

My Mom said she was sad at the prospect of not being able to be involved every day, but tbh I don't know if I'll need her to be involved every single day. I want my kids to be close to their grandparents, but at the same time I think we'll need some time as a family unit, me, OH and baby. Though OH will be at work during the day so I guess being able to go to Mom's then would be nice. My Dad can drive, and he's nutty over babies, so I think he'd be over when he could find time though he has a very busy work schedule.

I hate decisions. I keep going over and over it in my mind, not being able to make a decision because I don't know what it'll be like. I have a fair bit of experience with babies since my Mom and Dad were both childminders as I grew up, but it's nothing like having 100% responsibility for one 100% of the time I'm sure! I need a crystal ball. Anyone know where I can buy one?

 

[Kess]

The nearest I can get, experience-wise I think is raising my current puppy, Chloe. She's absolutely insane, thick skinned and hyperactive, into everything and nothing I was doing (which all worked for my other dog when he was a pup) was working. She wouldn't stop nipping, would pee and poo outside then come inside and do it again, bark non-stop, counter-surf, generally be a little beggar.

She's calmed down a lot now, thank goodness, but my Mom did say she'd take two newborns over Chloe any day! With her early days, I didn't want my Mom, I wanted OH or just anyone frankly, to take her off my hands for a bit so I could relax without being so hypervigilant about stopping her chewing things she shouldn't be etc.

 

[Amygdala]

Hi Kess and welcome!

Before I say anything else, can I just say that you really seem well prepared for starting a family and I'm sure you'll cope with your depression/anxiety issues. I think the very fact that you consider these things is a good indication that you'll be fine.

Then can I ask: I take it you get on well with your parents? The reason I'm asking is that I often think I'd like to be closer to my mum when I have a baby (I live 1000miles away) but know in my heart that it would make things more stressful rather than easier.
But if your mum would be a valuable support then I think by all means, try to be closer to her. Could there be a compromise where you live about half way and your OH commutes to his job? Is your mum working? If not maybe she could come and stay with you for a little while during the first few months? Although I'd probably go for the moving closer option to give you a family life "on your own" as well.

Also can I ask how old you are? Because I think I'd seriously consider just waiting those two years if it would make the experience nicer and easier for all of you? After all a happy mommy also means a happier baby and if you know you'll be happier in 2 years time (being closer to home and everything), maybe that's worth waiting for? Obviously that's just my personal view and I don't know how badly you want a LO.

And finally, have you spoken to your psychiatrist/therapist (or whoever is prescribing your anti-depressants) about getting pregnant? Have you thought about a course of therapy rather than medication to get to grips with your issues? I know a little bit about the topic and am a firm believer in cognitive behavioural therapy especially for depression/anxiety. If you could start a course of that now you'll probably have it controlled and be off the meds in 2 years time and much better prepared for LO. Obviously I don't know your case or whether you've tried something like that but I'd definately give it a shot.

Wishing you all the best with your decision (and generally) and I'm sure you'll decide what's right for you even without that crystal ball! (Though if you find a place that sells them, could you order me one as well?)

 

[Kess]

Hi Kess and welcome!

Before I say anything else, can I just say that you really seem well prepared for starting a family and I'm sure you'll cope with your depression/anxiety issues. I think the very fact that you consider these things is a good indication that you'll be fine.

Thank you. I hope so.

Then can I ask: I take it you get on well with your parents? The reason I'm asking is that I often think I'd like to be closer to my mum when I have a baby (I live 1000miles away) but know in my heart that it would make things more stressful rather than easier.
But if your mum would be a valuable support then I think by all means, try to be closer to her.

I do get on very well with my parents, I talk to my Mom on the phone several times a day every day.

Could there be a compromise where you live about half way and your OH commutes to his job?

Commuting is hard, as OH won't travel on motorways, so there isn't really a way to move any further from his work than we are already. Basically, if we moved house, he'd have to move job.

Is your mum working? If not maybe she could come and stay with you for a little while during the first few months? Although I'd probably go for the moving closer option to give you a family life "on your own" as well.

My Mom is a foster-carer, so it's hard for her to get to me unless she can get to mine and back during the school day. She couldn't come and stay unless she had a holiday from the fostering, which she can arrange with social services but can only be a couple of weeks maximum. My sister has said she can come and stay though, which would be great. Better than my Mom in some ways as she won't try and take over!

Also can I ask how old you are? Because I think I'd seriously consider just waiting those two years if it would make the experience nicer and easier for all of you? After all a happy mommy also means a happier baby and if you know you'll be happier in 2 years time (being closer to home and everything), maybe that's worth waiting for? Obviously that's just my personal view and I don't know how badly you want a LO.

I'm 23. I know I'm young, but I always wanted kids young, and I've been so happy the past few days thinking of being closer to having a LO. I don't want to lose that again. It will probably be 2 years anyway as OH hasn't even proposed yet and we need to get married first, then start TTC. If we wait till we move, it'll be a couple of years until we move, then another couple until we marry and start trying... I might even be 28 or so before we have our first LO, which is far too old for my/our preferences, especially as it won't be our only LO.

And finally, have you spoken to your psychiatrist/therapist (or whoever is prescribing your anti-depressants) about getting pregnant? Have you thought about a course of therapy rather than medication to get to grips with your issues? I know a little bit about the topic and am a firm believer in cognitive behavioural therapy especially for depression/anxiety. If you could start a course of that now you'll probably have it controlled and be off the meds in 2 years time and much better prepared for LO. Obviously I don't know your case or whether you've tried something like that but I'd definately give it a shot.

My GP prescribes my anti-d's, and no I've not spoken to them about it. I've had a course of CBT, and it was limited in its effectiveness. Atm I am trying to come off the meds as per the GP's instructions - very, very slowly, since the withdrawal symptoms can be a problem.

Wishing you all the best with your decision (and generally) and I'm sure you'll decide what's right for you even without that crystal ball! (Though if you find a place that sells them, could you order me one as well?)

Will do.

 

[lozzy21]

What parts of atachment parenting are you thinking about? Iv read that its not recomended to practice atachment parenting if you are going back to work as it can cause realy bad seperation anxatiaty (sp?)

I plan on having LO in my room next to my bed but in their cot for at least the first 6m but this is more to do with SIDS than atachment parenting.

 

[Kess]

What parts of atachment parenting are you thinking about? Iv read that its not recomended to practice atachment parenting if you are going back to work as it can cause realy bad seperation anxatiaty (sp?)

I plan on having LO in my room next to my bed but in their cot for at least the first 6m but this is more to do with SIDS than atachment parenting.

I don't work now so won't be going "back" to work. OH supports us. The things I was thinking of were things like sleeping in my room for probably longer than 6m (though not in my bed; the dogs sleep on the bed and I'd be worried about bubs getting squished), lots of physical contact (I'll be getting a sling/Ergo carrier), bf on demand, babysigning, etc.