How many chances?

[JA1988]

How many chances do you give someone before you just give up and realise there is no reasoning with them?? I am genuinely a fairly harmonious and easy to get along with person, always tried and avoid conflict and rarely fall out with someone and even though FOB has been an absolute ***hole to me since the day I found out I was pregnant, including taking me to court, speaking to me like dirt etc etc, I still find myself thinking that I could still try and reason with him and reach a middle ground. He is taking me back to court AGAIN in several months just because he didn't like what the judge ordered last time and has cost me thousands and thousands of pounds in borrowed money so that I can pay a top solicitor to make sure lo's routine and best interests are kept intact despite FOB's efforts to try and disrupt them, yet I still keep thinking I should try and reason with him!

Perhaps I just need someone to tell me I am stupid to bother anymore and leave it to the judge now that a court order is in place. I spent over £1000 on no less than 15 solicitors letters back and forth trying to reach a middle ground before it ended up in court, so clearly there is no reasoning with the man. Should I just leave it be??

 

[v2007]

What did the Judge order??

V XXX

 

[JA1988]

He pretty much ordered what we already had in place, without going into specifics he gets to see him regularly and for a decent amount of time based on lo's age, he is just being difficult as doesnt like the specifics such as starting time for visits even though it is the same time as always has been and doesnt like the fact that the judge said it is down to me to progress contact as and when I see fit in terms of increasing time as lo gets older, unsupervised access etc. He just seems to want to make changes for changes sake and isn't thinking of our lo's needs.

 

[v2007]

Well let him waste time trying to find another agreement.

Leave it be.

The new agreement if he gets one will be the same as the old one and he will have to give up sometime.



V xxx

 

[Mally01]

It's horrible when it all goes like this isn't it. I am dreading the day when this might happen but I think it will be more about getting FOB to pay child support etc rather than visitation rights. I think you can try and be reasonable again, but that doesn't appear to work with him so he obviously see's court as the only option for him. I don't think he has much hope though if he is effectively taking you to court to challenge the decision of another judge, the new judge (or the same one if there is any justice) is highly likely to alter the previous order. The only other thing I can suggest is think about the way you communicate with him and what you say and maybe change that aspect if needed. e.g If you were sweet and nice and polite before, you might need to show another side of you and be firm and very direct or if you were too aggressive, be calmer (if you know what I mean)

Good luck hun xx

 

[JA1988]

Unfortunately I am struggling to get him to pay child support aswell and the CSA are utterly useless! I have been firm and to the point with him, never rude or abusive, but he just doesn't like what I have to say. For example if I text him to ask if he is planning to pay any maintenance this month, his reply is that I am causing him undue stress and upset and how dare I even ask him! Our case has been reserved to the exact same judge so it is likely the judge won't be pleased to have the matter brought before him once again and probably won't change anything. It just annoys me as there are so many parents out there who have a genuine court case and are being denied access to their own children, but he is not and he sees lo regularly. I am thinking perhaps I should just leave it to the judge to tell him once and for all to stop wasting court time as I really am not even sure he would listen to me.x x

 

[Mally01]

Well it certainly won't go in his favour that he is flaky with paying child support. Shooting himself in the foot there I think. You are right, if it's the same Judge and he already knows the case, I doubt he will change his mind. Men not paying child support because they are 'stressed', haven't got much money or life is hard for them at the moment, make mewant to scream. Do they think us single mum's are rolling in cash? Or that we have a choice to NOT spend money on food / nappies etc first for our child because our finances are stretched.... FFS, they are from another planet methinks. I get the impression sometimes that a lot of these FOB's that opt out are trying to send a message 'well you decided to have the kid, not me, so this absolves me from everything , you deal with it all, it has nothing to do with me'.

Half of these stupid men wouldn't even exist on the planet if all single mum's had listened to their partners wishes to not keep their baby.

Your guy sounds like he wants everything on his terms, which you know is not going to happen where your babba's best interests are concerned. Stick to your guns hun and you will always come out smelling of roses.

 

[dustbunny]

The court will not look kindly on FOB who just want to be involved in the baby's life without paying towards the baby. I know it seems like a dead end tunnel and like your smacking your head against a wall but keep in mind there will be an end to his pathetic nature, when the judge tells him to stop wasting the courts time.
Unfortunately men are selfish, they think they can waltz in and out of baby's/mothers life without little input, something I have found out for myself quite recently. As Mally01 said, stick to your guns!

 

[Laura2919]

Just leave him be. Some people arent worth the hassle.

 

[xSophieBx]

OMG.

Firstly, I would stop forking out all that money to solicitors. Its still gonna be the same outcome. Is he on legal aid? Are u good at writing letters? I would write the letters myself and use up his bloody legal aid funding by making them send more letters haha. Y should U have to pay out for solicitors when his dragging u back to court. I would represent myself as I've heard stories that judges actually hate solicitors in family courts.
You need to get strong and start standing up for yourself and LO.. by the sounds of it(and other posts of yours i read before) you are never gonna be able to reason with him.
Don't even get me started on the maintenance. I think its a joke and the justice system in this country really needs to change. Apparently they don't care about it in courts, but I do think a judge surely isn't gonna think much of a dad that isn't paying. It should be law they pay or they don't see their kids..

 

[Mally01]

It should be law they pay or they don't see their kids..

You know I really hope that happens one day. It would make a hell of a lot of difference and make most of these men who want to see their kids, shape the hell up quickly and realise the sacrifices and hardships the Mothers have to go through. Being a parent, partner or not means child comes first financially, no question. I'd starve before I let my child go without. I feel like the lioness in my avatar...grrrr don't mess with the female of the species or she will hunt you down and kill you to protect her cubs

 

[xSophieBx]

^^ Thats exactly how I feel. Men get it easy with everything in life. Once the dickhead has taken me to court(he will have 1 hell of a fight before he ever gets unsupervised access to my child) & eventually gets her on his own.. I won't be providing anything...& she certainly won't be wearing her decent clothes, I want him to see how much it really costs to bring a child up... they don't have a clue.